On my way to work this morning I could not get myself together, so I ended up texting my bosses and calling off. Last night we found out that my husband’s cousin lost her battle with cancer. Her health started to rapidly decline recently, and she passed away yesterday morning.

Grief is such a hard thing to navigate. One moment you’re frozen in shock; complete disbelief- almost numb. The next moment, all the emotions come crashing down and around you- completely engulfed in the heaviness. The next you start to think about how grateful you are to have had time with your loved one… to have had them there at your wedding only less than a year ago- then the sadness washes back.

I felt guilty for calling in and being an emotional wreck while my husband, the one who is blood related to his cousin, is at work and holding it together. We are here for each other, we comfort one another, yet I feel guilty for being the one who seems to need more of it. At the same time, I am just a feeling person. I’m sensitive and I love hard, so the loss is hard.

I also am spiritual, unlike my husband, and I right after we found out about his cousin’s passing, I had to tell him about the butterfly I saw. When I was at work yesterday morning, a large, gorgeous black butterfly flew over to the window by my desk. I honestly don’t recall ever seeing a black butterfly before, and definitely not one of this size. I was so amazed and captivated by this butterfly that I couldn’t help but just be in that moment.

When we found out about her passing, after the initial shock and tears I thought about that butterfly. I couldn’t help but think… was that her? This brought a moment of peace amidst the grief: she was telling me that she was still here with me (us) but in a different form now.

Today I am sitting in the grief. I am releasing the guilt and shame about how I grieve. I am not ashamed of how deeply I feel and how much I love people. As a child I was often shamed for my big emotions, which is where this icky feeling stems from; but I know I am not being dramatic. I am being human.

Today I am also leaning into my spirituality and beliefs in our angels on the other side. The signs I see are clear to me, and I know that our loved one is watching us and supporting us from the other side. She had so much love for us here earth-side, so I can only imagine the power of her divine love.