Today we went to my husband’s cousin’s funeral- it was rough. I swear I was the only one who was crying and not composed- and I’m like damn, am I really the only one who feels? To be fair, the older we get, the more loss we have to experience. I’m sure many of the older people have been through this so many times that they may be more used to it- or numb to it. I’ve felt that numbness before, but today it was just waves- like I was feeling all the things that everyone else was refusing to feel.
faith
Tuesday Blurb
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The days feel extra long lately, but at least the sun is shining. Grief is such a weird thing. It hurts so bad that it numbs you out, until your brain and body are ready to feel it again – then it crashes down, and all you can do is float along and try to keep your head up.
6-13-25
blogWhat notable things happened today?
On my way to work this morning I could not get myself together, so I ended up texting my bosses and calling off. Last night we found out that my husband’s cousin lost her battle with cancer. Her health started to rapidly decline recently, and she passed away yesterday morning.
Grief is such a hard thing to navigate. One moment you’re frozen in shock; complete disbelief- almost numb. The next moment, all the emotions come crashing down and around you- completely engulfed in the heaviness. The next you start to think about how grateful you are to have had time with your loved one… to have had them there at your wedding only less than a year ago- then the sadness washes back.
I felt guilty for calling in and being an emotional wreck while my husband, the one who is blood related to his cousin, is at work and holding it together. We are here for each other, we comfort one another, yet I feel guilty for being the one who seems to need more of it. At the same time, I am just a feeling person. I’m sensitive and I love hard, so the loss is hard.
I also am spiritual, unlike my husband, and I right after we found out about his cousin’s passing, I had to tell him about the butterfly I saw. When I was at work yesterday morning, a large, gorgeous black butterfly flew over to the window by my desk. I honestly don’t recall ever seeing a black butterfly before, and definitely not one of this size. I was so amazed and captivated by this butterfly that I couldn’t help but just be in that moment.
When we found out about her passing, after the initial shock and tears I thought about that butterfly. I couldn’t help but think… was that her? This brought a moment of peace amidst the grief: she was telling me that she was still here with me (us) but in a different form now.
Today I am sitting in the grief. I am releasing the guilt and shame about how I grieve. I am not ashamed of how deeply I feel and how much I love people. As a child I was often shamed for my big emotions, which is where this icky feeling stems from; but I know I am not being dramatic. I am being human.
Today I am also leaning into my spirituality and beliefs in our angels on the other side. The signs I see are clear to me, and I know that our loved one is watching us and supporting us from the other side. She had so much love for us here earth-side, so I can only imagine the power of her divine love.
Black Butterfly
blogToday I saw a black butterfly
Flying by the window near my desk
I had never recalled seeing such a unique creature
A black butterfly? Was it really?
I kept watching it as it flew past the window in the next room over and then to the next
It was so large and captivating
I couldn’t help but just pay attention to that butterfly in that moment
I just admired in awe
Tonight we got a sad message that a loved one of ours passed away this morning
She was a positive force in this world
So authentic, so caring
She was always smiling and laughing
She truly had the best energy
She remained in strong spirits during her fight with cancer, and today she rests comfortably in peace
This morning I believe she visited me in the form of a black butterfly
Her presence was strong, and captivating
I couldn’t help but just be in that moment
A moment for her to say she is still here, just in another form
Always beautiful
Always remembered
Always missed
Always loved
A Moment
blogI took a moment this morning to pause and set myself in the shoes of those who are anxious and angry right now- this is what came about:
Imagine getting ripped away from your family, or watching yours get ripped away from you.
Imagine fearing going to work or walking down the street because you think you may get mistakenly arrested or even kidnapped by your own goverment.
Imagine not knowing what tomorrow holds for you or your family… this is how so many people are feeling at this time.
If you don’t understand, then you’re blessed not to, so take time to recognize that. Before you judge someone for how they are handling their fears and the chaos that is around them, take a moment to remember how humans operate in survival mode. Take a moment to think about what you’d do if you saw your own parent/sibling/child was taken from you.
We are all HUMAN BEINGS on the SAME PLANET. No one should be treated as less than the other. Sending love to all of my friends who are feeling extra anxious and fearful at this time. sending love to everyone who is impacted by the riots and ICE and whatever tf is going on with our government right now.
I am privileged to be so “disconnected” from this by not watching the news, but in my soul I can feel the weight of this collective fear, and I cannot remain silent. again, we’re all humans on this planet, and we all deserve to live loving, peaceful, and free lives.
Gratitude on a Saturday in June
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Just having a seat outside, soaking up the sun and grounding my feet in the grass. The birds have lots to say to one another this morning, and lucky for me, I just get to listen.
My husband and I are going to visit my family in Iowa this afternoon to celebrate my great grandma’s 97th birthday! I’m so grateful that we are able to see her and spend time with her, as well as the rest of the fam bam.
I feel so blessed to be present in this moment. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, financial stability, genuine friendships, and inner peace. We’re in good health, and our cats are for the most part as we get Mushu all regulated on her insulin. Overall we have a very good life, and I do not want to take it for granted.
Having a healthy marriage was always a dream of mine, and I’m so happy to have that with my husband. All I ever wanted was to have a home I was excited to come back to after a day away at work or running errands, and I have that. Communication and companionship are huge keys to success in marriage; this is why they always say to marry your best friend. Even when I’m stressed out or having a bad day, I know I have someone who loves me and someone I can lean on, and I know he feels the same.
I’m gonna head inside so we can get ready to go out to breakfast before our drive to see the family, but I just wanted to take a moment to be here and acknowledge how good life is. I am healthy, wealthy and happy, and I am in love with my life. I no longer feel crippling anxiety and emptiness like I did back in my early twenties, and as I approach my 30th birthday, I can’t help but be excited for this new decade ahead!
Wednesday Gratitude
blogIt’s rainy and gloomy outside which makes me just want to stay home and snuggle with my husband and my cats all day. Instead, I will be going to work LOL.
With that being said, I am truly grateful to have a job that I enjoy and that I do well at, and I am happy that my husband and I have jobs and are able to afford our bills. I’m grateful to have a home and clean water, as well as food in the fridge and food for our cats.
I’m grateful that we have each other to lean on and support one another throughout this lifetime, all while loving each other. I thank the universe and my angels for all of the divine support around our marriage and our love, as well as for keeping us safe and healthy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Happy June
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June is for giving yourself credit for all you’ve accomplished so far this year. 🙌🏼
June is for basking in the sunshine and feeling present in your everyday life. ☀️
June is for surprise miracles and abundance around every corner. ✨
June is for noticing and appreciating all of the love around you. 🤍
June is here to remind you of your true power and potential- may you be present and open to receiving all that is for you. 🥰
Thursday AM
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222- the angel number for alignment. No matter how hard the days can feel, just know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. All of this is preparing you for the level up! You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
New Moon Release 5-26-25
blogHappy New Moon!! 🙌🏼
This new moon, I’m setting the intention of being less in the mindset of “all or nothing.” This comes into play a lot in my life whenever I am trying to reach a new goal or start a new project, and I know it stems from the perfectionism. This mindset has hurt me in the past when it comes to dieting, as well as healing and even starting my podcast.
When I was doing the Ketogenic diet to lose weight years ago, I was all the way in. I ate all the protein I needed, I made sure to never go over 20 net carbs a day, and when I did, I punished myself for it. I’d mentally beat the shit out of myself for going over as if that would change my entire progress. Even if it did, which it did not, I never deserved to treat myself the way I did. That was way more unhealthy than if I had eaten 20 more carbs!
When it comes to my healing journey, along the way I have found that there is so much to heal from, and I was starting to look at myself as this never-ending project. I was just a human full of issues and problems that would never be fully solved, so I either had to try harder or give up entirely- that is literally NOT the solution. I can be aware and mindful in my life, and the only way to truly grow and evolve is to keep living and just keep checking back in with yourself. I am not a project that needs consistent tweaking and fixing- I am an evolving human.
As far as the podcast that I’ve started behind the scenes, I find myself completely delaying and avoiding it, because I care a lot about it. I know that I want it to be good, but I also am actively fighting against my perfectionism while recording, because I already decided to not edit ANY of it. I ultimately decided that because I know that I will edit and edit and edit until there is nothing left, when my real intention with this podcast is to be raw and real. I can be raw and real at anytime, so I can truly record at anytime- but I get on the mindset of “all or nothing.”
I’m not pouring all of my effort and trying to make this the best (which also applies to everything in my life) my mind then goes: “well, then I shouldn’t do anything at all”- but that is my anxiety and perfectionism taking over. I know in my heart and soul that the black and white thinking is not how we’re meant to be in this world; it’s truly all gray. We’re allowed to be creative and flexible- in fact, it’s encouraged over being rigid.
I am releasing these rigid thoughts and feelings, and I am tuning into the creative flow of life. I welcome all love, abundance, and happiness to flow into my life, and may I be present enough to feel it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ✨
finding light in the dark 