emotions

Vulnerable Reflection: I’m Angry

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After being away with my family for a weekend, I feel the need to sit and reflect on the triggers that came up. I always feel extra on edge and like I’m a whole child again whenever I am around family. It always feels like all of the healing I’ve done completely disappears, and I’m back to being defensive and overthinking everything.

When I was a child I felt small and dumb. I felt like I always was a “fuck up.” To others, it probably makes zero sense, because I was a good kid, with good grades, who did whatever I was told to do. I may have had some attitude when I didn’t want to do things, but I got it done regardless. I felt like somehow I was simultaneously the one who no one had to worry about, yet everyone was always worrying about me. The helicoptering control and constant contradictions of my childhood really messed up my self-trust, and I’ve been trying to build it back for almost ten years now.

When I am asked about my life plans – mainly family planning- it triggers my lack of self trust, and it sends me into a spiral of defending myself and over explaining myself. Since I’m a 30-year-old childless woman, when family asks when and why it just feels like somehow I am the one fucking up again. When I’m told that being an “old mom” is somehow going to be harder than being a “young mom,” that also pisses me off because I obviously cannot get any younger, so that comment just feels like a push to go get pregnant right now, when that’s not our plan.

In reality, I am very aware that my life timeline is no one’s business, and so long as my husband and I are the ones having the conversations and being on the same page, that is what matters. However, when I am in a triggered state, instead of pausing and remembering who I am, I end up defending myself and getting angry with everyone, rather than just stating the facts. It’s my life, we are not looking to have children at this very moment, and if I am feeling nice, I’ll let you know once we are. If we wait too long, then we wait too long, and that’s how it was meant to be, because regardless, this is all God’s plan.

I was listening to a podcast today, and I heard the guest saying “the more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it,” and that is exactly how I feel when this conversation comes up. If someone tells me to have kids or asks when we’re gonna have them, it makes me literally just not want to have them at all so the conversation can be over. I know it’s out of spite and it’s irrational, but that’s truly what comes up for me.

Another thing I keep thinking about is how bothered I am when I’m offered help or hovered over by my family- mainly my mother. Obviously her intention is to be nice and offer help, but it triggers me because it makes me feel like that dumb kid again who wasn’t trusted no matter how good she was. If I say “I’m good” and then I’m questioned or still offered help, my brain takes that as “she doesn’t trust me, nor does she think I am capable of doing anything on my own.” I know what my mother is doing is people-pleasing, and I know it because I do it too. She is being overly courteous and she’s reading into my emotions and she thinks that I may be slightly off, but that’s not her problem to fix…it’s mine.

I also get triggered by my mom, because she always reading the room and trying to please people/keep everyone happy so conflict and/or tension don’t arise, when she could really just mind her own business. Why is that triggering? Because I do the same thing… and I hate that about me! I let other people’s emotions and lives consume me. I literally do the same shit she does, and seeing her do it made me so angry, because I HATE THAT I’M LIKE THIS!!

I HATE THAT I WAS TRAINED TO ABANDON MYSELF AND MY OWN FEELINGS. I HATE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I WAS TOO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME. I HATE THAT I FEEL SO MUCH AND CARE SO MUCH, YET NEVER ENOUGH ABOUT MY OWN HEALTH OR MY OWN THOUGHTS/OPINIONS. I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE WORKED SO HARD ON MY MASK THAT I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD. I AM SO ANGRY AND I’VE NEVER LET MYSELF FEEL IT OR SIT IN IT OR RELEASE IT BECAUSE I AM SCARED OF MY OWN ANGER- WHICH ALSO MAKES ME ANGRY!

In reality, I’m scared of all of my emotions, because they’re all so intense and I was never taught how to identify, feel, or release them. Now as an adult, it’s my responsibility to do so, but the anger feels so deep. I’m mad that my parents made me so paranoid about the world around me. I’m mad that I wasn’t given life skills to push through the hard parts in life, instead, I was taught to avoid them. I’m mad that I wasn’t allowed to have big emotions, while my parents screamed angry slurs at one another every other night. I’m mad I didn’t have someone in my childhood home to validate any of my feelings or make me feel like I wasn’t fucking crazy, because I have felt crazy my entire life. It’s confusing to grow up the way I did, and I’m mad that I had to experience it.

I’ve been an angry girl since I was seven, and I don’t know how to get it out of me still. I feel like my muscles and intestines are entangled with anger and frustration built up over the years. I feel it so deep in my body and brain that I have no idea where to even start. Talk therapy clearly isn’t doing it for me, because I can talk and talk and talk, but this is deeper. This anger is in my body- the body I’ve been neglecting/ not caring about. I feel it in my shoulders, my jaw, my hips, my legs… I feel the tension all the time. I sleep in tense positions. I am set off in a panic by the simplest things because deep down, I am just angry.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be one of those bitter old people who hates everyone and hates life. I don’t want to have constantly gut issues and neck/jaw pain. I don’t want to not care about myself, and I’m starting to think it starts with just allowing myself to be angry. It can’t go away if I never let it come up, and shoving it down is clearly taking a toll on me, so I guess it’s time that I just allow myself to just be angry.

5/20/25

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Just been feeling kinda off, but also not? Like I’m not depressed or anxious which is nice- I’d like to say I’m content, but also I do have some stresses. We just found out our cat is diabetic; I’m happy that it is manageable and she will feel better soon once we start her insulin, but it’s just going to be a life adjustment for sure.

Luckily my parents had a diabetic cat as well, so my mom could help me out if we go on a vacation or something, but it’s a bit harder when it’s a family trip. Either way, we have our appointment at the vet on Friday to learn how to give her the shots and I will just ask my questions at that time. My coworker said her vet would have vet techs available to go to the home to give medication while they were out of town, so I’ll see if that’s an option if ever needed.

I’m not super overwhelmed by this; honestly I’m just glad we can afford this and give her this treatment. I just feel like I’m sitting in a “calm before the storm” type situation, but I’m realizing right now that it’s just my anxiety telling me I’m not allowed to feel calm or at peace. I’m just going to sit in this present moment and let myself enjoy the lack of anxiety.

Coping/Life

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What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

Journaling/writing has always been an outlet for me, even as a child. It allows me to say what I need to say, without doing so out loud. It allows me to slow down and actually process through my thoughts, rather than letting them run wild in my head.

Breathing is definitely another helpful exercise. When I’m feeling physically anxious and overwhelmed, I breathe in for four seconds, hold for one to two seconds, and then exhale for six to eight seconds. The important part is to exhale longer than the inhale, as this puts your nervous system into a parasympathetic state, allowing you to calm down. Another type of breathing I use is called box breathing, and this is where you inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and then repeat that cycle.

I am fortunate to have good health insurance through my husband’s job, and so I have been able to see a therapist to help me learn about myself and coping mechanisms. It’s nice to be able to talk things out with someone who is truly there to help you find solutions, and also to not judge you during the process. Even if I didn’t have my therapist, it’s nice to have my husband and my friends to talk to. I’m fortunate to have good people in my life, and it’s nice to be able to truly connect with others on that deeper level.

In reality, we all have struggles to deal with in this life. Whether big or small, it can weigh on us, so it is important that we learn how to soothe ourselves in these difficult situations. I feel like growing up, it was normal to see parents shoving away their children’s emotions, telling them to just go away until they aren’t crying or upset anymore… this image now breaks my heart.

I remember struggling with big emotions when I was younger and then especially moving into middle and high school where I had zero clue what to do with my anger and anxiety. I never knew how to pause to stop and breathe; I never knew how to calm my body down when I felt like I was about to implode. Although I did write a lot, the emotions had built up for so long, I felt like they were taking over- unfortunately this did lead to some self-harm when I was a teenager.

I feel like if I had someone who was empathizing with my sensitivities and emotions and helping me to breathe/talk through them, it would have made it a lot easier to get through life. Basically it felt like my emotions were completely disregarded. Unless I was angry or upset, then I was called “dramatic” and basically mocked.

I understand now that my parents were going through their own life struggles, and I know they loved me and were doing their best, but as an only child to functioning alcoholic parents, and I often felt like I was going crazy. They were anxious and controlling, yet also completely out of control. They would shelter me from the world, yet expose me to their loud, drunken slurs. They would make me feel like shit for having big emotions, while they’d erupt in a fit of rage every other night.

I walked around knowing my life at home wasn’t normal, yet I also never told anyone. I was already the kid who smelled like cigarette smoke for elementary and middle school, why would I want anyone to know that my parents also drank every night? Instead I’d just lose myself in being overly observant, so I’d find the flaws in other people’s parents and lives so I could tell myself that mine wasn’t so bad. I think it was actually to manipulate myself into thinking this was normal or okay.

Even now I feel the need to say that I wasn’t hit or beat- most of the abuse was verbal. Physically I was slapped across the face once. My dad also pulled my towel off my head which had my hair all wrapped in it because I “showered too late at night” (mind you, it had to be before 10pm). I also remember him putting me in a headlock because he broke my chain on my necklace and my mom felt bad and bought me a new one. It always scared me when he’d get in my mom’s face, because I never knew if he’d snap further.

There was one night he cornered me in the bathroom. I actually fell into the tub and the entire shower curtain ripped off- I remember staring past my dad at my mom who was behind him in the doorframe and saying “are you going to do something?!?!” She called the cops… it got worse after that. For weeks, maybe even months, he was referring to my mom as a traitor for calling the police. Instead of taking any accountability for the fact that he was so belligerent that we were scared of what he would do, he put all the blame back on her (well, it felt like us to me).

I am realizing this daily prompt here has got me fully journaling again; I guess I needed to release some things! Needless to say, my childhood was a big chaotic and stressful, and at the time I did not have many coping skills, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve dedicated time to learning how to manage my emotions. I don’t want to go through life projecting all of my troubles and traumas onto the people around me. I’d much rather live a present life, focused on the blessings and prioritizing inner peace… so thats what I’m doing!

My Favorite Thing

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What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

My favorite thing about me is the same thing I used to despise: my sensitivity. I have always felt everything so deeply and fully, and it wasn’t until I had my emotions turned off that I recognized how much I needed them. Not caring and feeling numb made me feel so disconnected from myself and from the word around me, and that is something I never wish to experience again. In summary, I can bring it down to one of my favorite quotes: “it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

my tattoo I got in 2018

I cry

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I cry when I listen to people who are brave enough to release their truth- being completely vulnerable and open in front of such a chaotic, loud world.

I cry when I hear someone talking about the progress they’ve made and celebrating their successes.

I cry when I hear about devastating loss, and when I think about the strength that each human has to be able to continue through life after such tragedy.

I cry when I listen to people talk about true, pure love and when I can see it beaming from their eyes- seeing the wave of emotion take over and wash away all fears.

I cry when I feel, which is often. I used to hate crying but now I love it. It’s a release, but it’s also a reminder of how deeply we can connect to ourselves and each other.

Empathy

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I have a tattoo that says: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” This was a quote I read several years ago that resonated deep within me, and I feel that I am being reminded of it’s curse lately. I have been feeling all of the heavy energy within and around me; I wrote last week about the tragedy I had witnessed, and honestly since that day all I have been hearing about seems to be tragedy. I have a couple of friends going through painful experiences, all of which are out of their control. It hurts to see (and basically feel) their pain and know that there isn’t anything that can take it away. I’ve been feeling very fatigued and drained, and I am trying to remind myself to release and let go what does not belong to me.

Since I have been on this self-awareness journey, I am trying to look at this tough times and figure out what all of this is teaching me. I have spent a lot of my life worrying about things that are beyond my control, and I’ve also spent a lot of time focusing on other people’s emotional needs over my own. The combination of these resulted in my never being present with myself in any given moment. How could I sit in stillness with myself and my body when everything around me was spiraling out of control? How could I enjoy my life when someone else is suffering? How can I focus on myself when others need help? It all may sound nice that I care about others, but at what capacity do I really care for others if I don’t even know how to care for myself? If I cannot fill my own cup, how do I expect to pour into others in the way that they need? If I do not take care of myself, what message is that sending to my inner child? This is the reason I always preach that self-care is necessary, and it is NOT selfish in any way. Now it’s time I get back to focusing on myself and my self-care practices.

As much as it can hurt, I want to be able to feel everything deeply, as I know that will allow others to feel heard and understood. Not only that, but I remember what it was like to be numbed out from anxiety medications, and I missed all of my feelings. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to have such strong emotions or care about everything so deeply, but once that was taken away from me, I no longer felt like myself. My empathy fuels my creativity, which also fuels my happiness. My empathy allows me to feel joy for and celebrate others in the most genuine way. My empathy allows me to learn about myself in a deeper capacity, as I can identify my triggers and see them in new ways; these are all ways that empathy becomes a blessing. Even though it feels heavy at times, I wouldn’t trade this away for anything.

As I send love and positive, healing thoughts to my loved ones who are in need of it, I also release any stress or tension that I’ve held onto. As they receive the love and positive, healing energy, may they release any stress or tension that they have been holding onto. May we all recognize what is within our control, and what isn’t; and may we surrender what does not belong to us to the healing powers of the universe. May we accept out emotions as they are and not judge them, but appreciate them for allowing us the full experience of the human life. May the heaviness be lifted, and may we all feel lighter inside and out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤

Celebrating Growth

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I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.

I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.

Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.

I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.

Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.

I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡

Thought Vomit (Random)

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Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.

I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?

I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.

But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.

If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.

That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.

Thought Blurb

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I want to be nice and spread love and light, until I am getting attention I don’t want. I don’t want special treatment, I don’t want people to become obsessive over me, I don’t want to feel like I have to now shut down my love and light in order to get that person away from me. Am I too attached to their perception? Or do I feel fake if I am being kind when I don’t want to be someone’s friend? Just because I care for others does not mean I want to be everyone’s friend. Just because I am kind does not mean I want to hang out. If I set that boundary, and it is not respected, what is next? Of course it’s easier when it’s an actual friend you’re dealing with, because you can distance yourself or whatever… but what if this is in a work environment? What if I cannot escape this person and I can feel my negativity bubbling under the surface when I’m around them? What if it’s because when I am nice they start to think we’re friends? I guess that is her problem considering I have made it very clear and said “I’d like to just keep this a work relationship.” Maybe that wasn’t direct enough? Neither are my constant declines of her invites. Or me clearly sharing less and less of my life with her? I felt guilty because I was too kind at first and didn’t know who this person was, but I also do see how she can be my indicator to do more shadow work.

I hate that she cares so much about me and what I am doing and won’t mind her own business- I used to be that way. I called it “being an empath” and I’d obsess over everyone else and their lives, and it wasn’t until I started doing the work and realizing I was abandoning myself that I was able to make these changes. I was always trying to appease everyone else and be super nice to avoid confrontation, and I can see that coming off of her as well. I am doing what I used to do by letting her change my attitude and being so negative… I have to let go of caring what she thinks of me or this so-called relationship she seems to need from me. I can only stay firm in my boundary, I do not have to be anyone’s friend, and like I said before, I can still be kind. I can’t let others dim my light, and I cannot help what they interpret things as, I can only be direct and set my boundaries.

Life’s Guarantee: Death.

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I hate death. I mean, I feel like everyone feels the same way about it (well, other than psychotic serial killers I suppose), but throughout my life, it was something I often feared. I know people have fears of dying, but my fears had to do with the people I love dying. I would find myself having intrusive thoughts about loved ones, especially my boyfriend, dying in horrific accidents. Or sometimes I’d just be thinking about getting those terrifying phone calls from police or a family member. I found myself dreading seeing family names pop up on caller ID, and it was because I always thought there was bad news on the other end of that line.

I can remember the first death that had a large impact on me, and that was my maternal grandfather dying when I was seven years old. It was a tragic accident and due to the severity of the head/facial injury, my family thought it was best that I did not see him in the hospital while he was fighting for his life. I do not blame them at all for this, in fact I am grateful that I remember him as he was, and also he did happen to look very much like himself in the casket. I remember continuously crying at that funeral…the grief and sadness felt heavy on my small body.

Fast-forward to age twelve, when I come home to find out that my 16-year old cousin had passed in a tragic accident. This one hurt like hell, because although we didn’t see each other often, when we did, he was one of my favorite people. He was so authentic and didn’t care what anyone thought, and he was hilarious as f*ck! I remember constantly laughing and just having a great time when we were together. Going to that memorial service was really rough for me, and seeing everyone else, knowing we all felt that pain but with different levels of severity…it all felt so heavy again.

Jump a couple years ahead and one of the neighbors at the apartments I was growing up in also suddenly passed. She had been the one who hosted annual Luau each year, as well as the Halloween and Christmas parties. She was always so fun to be around and her nephew was a good friend of mine as he also was my neighbor. Her death was hard to deal with, but for me, I was older and had dealt with death before, but for some of my friends/neighbors, they hadn’t dealt with anything like this before. I saw how hard it was for a few of them, and it hurt knowing too that there was nothing I could do to make that pain go away.

At age 20, I found out that one of my best friends from middle school and freshman year had unfortunately taken her life. This death really shook me and made me feel guilty for numerous reasons. We had never really had a falling out, we just slowly grew apart as our interests and lives changed, but of course I felt guilty that I hadn’t been there for her and that we hadn’t talked in so long. It is easy to spiral and get into the “what ifs,” but after obsessing and ruminating for too long, I realized all of that was pointless. It was hard to let go, especially with the lack of closure and the questions that still were running through many peoples’ minds, but I had to move on with my life.

Less than two years ago, someone else who I had known and recently seen had also suddenly passed. Although some people on the outside who didn’t really know her feel that they would have seen this coming, this was shocking to her close friends who were still in touch with her. I am closer with her best friend, but seeing her go through this loss and hearing about all of the questions still unanswered and all of the uncertainty, it started bringing me back to when my friend had passed. I realized that I would become physically ill whenever we would talk about the recent death of her friend, and I had to take a step back even though I felt like a terrible friend for doing so. I am blessed that she understood and was not upset, and still had other friends who she could lean on for support.

Today I went to a memorial service for a family friend. A couple of the neighbors I grew up with recently lost their uncle. Growing up with them, I also knew their cousins as well (the ones who just lost their father), and my parents and I went to pay our respects. I was reluctant to go at first, because I hate death. I know that the energy is heavy, and it is easy for me to feel those emotions and put myself in their shoes, but that is also why I had to go. I wanted to be there to support my childhood friends and their family, and I also know how hard it is to deal with loss. People need to be around those who love and care about them during these times.

Unfortunately, death is an inevitable part of life; but that love that we have for people during the time we have alive…that is what makes the grief so rough. So when thinking about it that way, grief truly is a powerful form of love. The fact that you have so much adoration and love for another person, and that fact that you physically ache and feel something detach when they leave shows how truly connected we are. For me, instead of fearing death and grief, I want it to serve as a reminder to love now, and be present. It’s important to appreciate what we have right now in this moment, because life is too short, and we never know how short it is.

Death brings a form of heartache that can be hard to describe, but at the same time, if that person was here for one more day, you know you would spend every moment with them. Loving them, breathing in their scent, admiring their features…you wouldn’t shy away and distance yourself in hopes to make the pain easier, you would embrace all of the love that is present and appreciate it, even if that makes it harder when its time to let go. And when the inevitable happens, and the pain is at its worst, you can still lean into that love. Lean into the positive memories. Lean into supportive family and friends. Lean into that power of love that has brought so much joy into your life. Feel that grief move through you; cry it out and don’t feel guilty about it. Sending love to all who need it, and make sure you tell your loved ones how important they are to you.