2020

It’s exhausting in here (my mind)

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I’ve been really stressed out lately and in turn I am disappointed and angry at myself for the way I’ve been reacting to certain situations and the mindset I’ve been in. As if being in lockdown isn’t stressful enough, I am still stressed at work; then I feel like I can’t/shouldn’t even complain about it because I am also blessed to be working and should be thankful that I can still pay my bills (and I very much am).

Work is stressful because everyone is on edge as it is, and my boss keeps leaving to Hawaii because she can’t see patients during this time. I am trying to get the office cleaned up, however I also need certain things from her and she keeps getting mad about certain things, which some are justified, but also were outside of my control considering there are issues from years ago when I was not working there. I also feel like us communicating mainly via text might be throwing me off a bit because you can’t read tone through text and I may be taking things the wrong way.

As I’ve explained before, I am very critical of myself. Even if someone thinks I am doing a great job, I still will find a way to feel like I’m failing, rather than talking myself up and reminding myself of how far I’ve come considering the situation I’m in. Things may not even be as bad as I think they are, but I always seem to find a way to worry about everything and doubt myself. I need to get out of this mindset, and when my therapist and I talked on Friday she said I need to pay attention to how much I am bullying myself- so good thing I’m jotting this down.

I keep worrying that even if I were to leave this job (which I am not about to do, especially in the current state or the world), that no matter where I go I will get into this cycle of being a perfectionist and people-pleaser and will always end up feeling like I failed in some way. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, and this is when I get mad at myself. Why do I keep being so negative? Why can’t I just care less and stop worrying and focus on the good things? Why do I have to have this same conversation in my head over and over and over again?

Maybe one day it’ll end- until then I will continue this exhausting cycle in my head.

Hyper

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I haven’t talked to my therapist in quite a while- I am finally doing a teletherapy session with her this upcoming Friday. I haven’t been writing things down and I have to start, but there was something I wrote down earlier today and I was wanted to think about it a little more on my own.

A few years ago I saw a therapist that was really nice but I didn’t feel like she was helping me- but now I’m wondering if she was just trying to figure me out. She kept making me take these ADHD quiz/test things and she kept thinking I had it but also knew I didn’t because I didn’t have the “attention deficit” part, just the hyperactive part.

Now my current therapist had mentioned the hypomania but we haven’t really dove into that yet; however I feel that I am ready to dive in myself. Like I had mentioned before, one of my childhood friends has recently mention on a FaceTime call that I have always been hyper and “crazy” (I’m not offended, she gets me). Mind you, we weren’t even talking about mental health at all, we were just reminiscing about easier times.

If I have hypomania, I am unsure exactly what medication I will need to be on, if any! I feel like I’m going to have to do a lot of cognitive work and make sure to pay attention to my triggers. I know I’ve always been hyper, and I also know I could do better at managing my anger. I feel like this weeks therapy session will be productive, at least I hope it is!

Easter Sunday

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I remember loving Easter as a kid. I’d have Easter at home with my parents and I’d look around the apartment for my eggs and basket. After that we’d always go over to my Grandparents house and my cousins were usually in town so we could all search for our eggs and baskets together.

I’m sure Easter will be fun again once I have kids of my own. Neither my boyfriend nor I are religious, but I was raised Christian and I did go to church when I was younger, but I never remember doing any Easter mass or anything. I’ll make sure my children do understand the holiday and the meaning behind it- I’m sure then they’ll start asking why there’s a big bunny involved LOL.

Today I am feeling a little restless. I think it’s because we’re supposed to go do a birthday parade for my boyfriend’s grandfather, but we don’t have a set time yet and that’s really making me anxious. I already hate that we just found out about this yesterday, but I’m even more irritable today because it’s already 11am and we still have no clue when this is happening. I’m trying to go with the flow of things but it’s just not always easy for me.

I also haven’t taken my medication yet this morning which probably has a little to do with the irritability. Now that I’m strictly on an anxiety medication (rather than with the anti-depressant), I definitely notice my short temper returning. I’m somewhat upset about it, but also I think it’s a good thing because this has always been a part of me and I need to embrace it to be able to work through it.

I will say that I notice when the dose or this one wears off; not right away, but usually I find that I’m being angry or irrational for no reason, and then I remember to take the second dose. I need to put an alarm in my phone for it because I’m used to only taking a pill in the morning, so taking another dose later is hard for me to get used to and remember.

It’s nice and sunny out so I’m gonna go on a walk while my boyfriend goes to his personal training session. My best friend is going to Facetime me after my walk so we can chat and check in with each other during this weird time- I can’t wait for us to be able to go grab a coffee and just walk through the city again. Until then, we will make the best of the current situation.

When this is over

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When this is over, people will be more friendly. Strangers will say “hello!” and engage in polite conversation, rather than just faking smiles or simply not making eye contact.

When this is over, people will reach out to their friends and loved ones more often. Family members will catch up and have meaningful discussions, without being distracted by their devices.

When this is over, people will be nicer to themselves. The constant self-doubt and loathing will disappear, and instead self-care and confidence will take over.

When this is over, people will enjoy concerts and festivals more than ever and will learn to live those moments to the fullest, rather than recording and taking pictures to post for irrelevant “likes.”

I hope that during this time people are working on themselves and improving aspects of their lives as best as they can in their situations. I hope people are self-reflecting and realizing what is truly important to them, and what makes them genuinely happy.

We never know what life will throw at us, but having good people beside us when it gets hard makes it all a bit easier. More importantly, we are the only ones who are guaranteed to be by our side the entire time, therefore it is crucial that we love and care for ourselves. ♡

Little bits of happiness.

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The sun has been shining all weekend long, and the weather has been in the 50s and 60s which has been great! Friday after work I went on a bike ride and then today I went on a walk through the park while listening to some good music. I’ve always said how being outside makes me feel so much better, and I’m grateful that I was able to experience that this weekend.

I started writing a poem the other night which made me feel happy- I haven’t really been hit with the inspiration and motivation to just stop what I’m doing and start writing in a while. There’s a lot of more time in the day today, and I’m sure my boyfriend will want to play video games so I’m going to sit down and do some writing.

I kind of want to mess around with my makeup today too, because why not? Or maybe I should declutter and reorganize a new area of the house. I mean, I guess I could do both if I really wanted to. We will see where the day takes me! I hope everyone else finds something to be happy about today. ♡

For you.

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This morning I did a kettlebell workout and also used my WonderCore- ya know, since I purchased it over a year ago and have only used it a handful of times. It feels great dedicating time to myself and knowing that it is only going to benefit me. I made sure to wash my face and moisturize, and I’m taking daily vitamins which again, will only benefit me.

One of the best parts of working out is listening to music and getting pumped up before and during the workout. I love listening to music, and discovering new songs and artists. I have Apple Music and I will usually just throw on R&B radio station and anyone that that I like, I just download their album, although there is a lot of R&B that I don’t like to workout to.

Often times I listen to music when I’m writing (as I’m writing this right now Jhené Aiko is playing in the background. Music has always been important in my life, as it is for most. I love to sing, and although I don’t currently play any instruments, I have an interest in learning piano, but also in making music on the computer with beats and what not (can you tell I know so much about it LOL)!

I also enjoy dancing, and lately I’ve been teaching myself how to dance with a hula hoop. I can’t wait for the sun to come out and warm weather so that I can practice outside and not have to worry about breaking stuff in the house and/or scaring my cats. For now, while it is grey and cold outside, I will continue to work on myself, both physically and mentally.

“Untitled”

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Trying not to get sucked into the negativity with everything that’s going on right now is just about impossible… but I’m really trying to practice self care during this time (which is why I’m writing this right now). I could definitely do better at eating healthy, but I am happy that I’ve been doing at-home workouts and I’ve been taking care of my skin. Working on yourself matters, and it’s important to develop healthy habits.

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate this quarantine shit and how weird everything is right now. I miss being able to just get on the train to the city to visit one of my best friends and just being able to explore the city or go to the arcade bar or do whatever without having to worry about this insane virus. I miss being able to call up an old friend and go meet up for lunch. I just know when this is over, many people will start being more grateful for those things.

What’s even worse is the fact that so many people have lost their jobs during this pandemic, including a lot of my staff. I am lucky to be working right now, and I’m happy that my boyfriend is also working. We have a lot to be thankful for during this time, and I don’t want to take it for granted. We can continue to pay our bills, we can feed ourselves and our cats, and we get to spend more time together! In a way I feel guilty for being able to work all of my hours… but also, I have worked my ass off at this job and I’ve been the most stressed that I’ve ever been, so in a way I have earned this. Now is finally the time that I am catching up and cleaning things up at the office!

I hope people start staying home so we can get though this virus and flatten the curve and go back to normalcy. Remember that we are all in this together, and there are many people that are struggling right now. I have friends who have had to postpone their weddings. A family member of mine just went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to an almost 3lb baby girl, and as if that isn’t scary enough, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! No matter what you’re going through, we just remember we are all living through this coronavirus outbreak together.

People are dying from this virus, and what’s terrifying is that people can not have symptoms and can just be spreading it everywhere without knowing. Social distancing signs areeverywhere, and it surprises me how people act in grocery stores towards each other now (personally, I love social distancing 6+ft apart and think we should always do this); everyone acts like they are scared of the other people.

I will say, it is nice when you make eye contact with someone and they just smile, even in the midst of all this shit, they still gave the effort to smile at a stranger- return the smile and go on and share one with someone else. The little things matter and you never know how you can help someone without even knowing it. It’s kind of a dark time, so let’s try to brighten it up a little bit.

Weird World

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I feel like we’re in an endless episode of black mirror; it feels like we’re in some alternate universe. The stores are more empty than ever before, there’s barely any traffic, and it’s eerily quiet outside. I have so many thoughts but I seem to focus on any of them for more than a few minutes.

Our state just issued a shelter in place that starts at 5pm today. We can still go to grocery stores, work, pharmacies, and gas stations- but other than that many places are closed and we are all to stay inside to prevent the spread of coronavirus. I understand that we don’t want this to spread, and many people are dying from this in other countries, it just really feels like there’s more going on than just the virus.

My dad was always into conspiracy theories, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he may have passed some of that onto me. No, I’m not crazy and I understand that conspiracies aren’t always reality, but sometimes you can’t help but question certain things. I think that there’s something much bigger going on than this virus, and this just happens to be a great way to instill fear in people so we are more willing to give up rights; but I digress.

I decided to work on my woman cave yesterday. I might as well have a space that I love to be in if we have to quarantine for weeks! It honestly will be nice to spend time with my boyfriend and the cats; I feel like it’s good for humanity to take a step back and remember what is truly important in life. I don’t want to just sulk around when all of this is happening- I feel it is important to stay positive and keep looking at the bright side.

Busy

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I’ve been staying busy on the weekends, which has its pros and cons. I love seeing my friends and making new memories, but I am usually missing my boyfriend and feeling guilty for being away knowing that he’s going to be gone for basically a month. I know he isn’t bothered by me having plans with other people- I mean he also has other plans and enjoys playing video games without his girlfriend breathing down his neck (LOL)!

Today we both got a good workout in and we ended up going out to lunch and donating a bunch of clothes. I love doing productive things over the weekend; I always feel like I’m successfully adulting when I’m able to declutter and take care of things around the house. Tomorrow he is off of work and I should hopefully be off early(ish) so we’re going to hang up the new curtains that we bought! When we moved in, we said that we wanted to get rid of the blinds and get curtains… literally three years later and we are just now putting up curtains. Better late than never, right?

I need to sign up for another yoga class. I told myself that I would go once a month and we’re already over halfway done with February! I feel like this year is already flying by and it’s honestly stressing me out. I wanted the office that I work for to be in a better place at this point, but I have to remember that I’m just one person and I’m doing the best that I can. I work hard, I do well, and I am only human.

I’m ready for a good week this week- I have a feeling tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend and I are putting curtains up after work, but regardless of the reason I want to try to keep up the positive mindset and carry it through this week! ♡

Now.

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I need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.

I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.

Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.

On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.

Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.