There’s this app called “The Pattern” that one of my coworkers showed me. I don’t look at it very often but I felt the need to look at it this evening, and honestly, it is incredibly relevant. I wanted to share this, as I feel I have been more self-critical than normal lately. 
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Now.
blogI need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.
I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.
Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.
On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.
Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.
Stumble
blogI can feel myself moving backwards in my progress. The anxiety is back; it has been for a couple weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I feel so exhausted and defeated. I can see my lack of effort around the house, and it upsets me, I just don’t have the energy to fix it.
I’m overwhelmed at work which has caused me to make a couple mistakes, which isn’t helping with the constant anxiety and self doubt. I mean, I am aware that I’m too hard on myself… I always have been. In 5th grade I remember getting my report card and seeing all A’s and one big, ugly C and being so upset. I went home to my parents in tears and showed them the horror that was my biggest academic failure yet (I mean, it was 5th grade)! But guess what? They weren’t upset at all. They were proud of my A’s and weren’t angry about the C, but I still was.
I’ve always been like this, and I hate it. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack by the time I’m 30 with the way I stress myself out. I want to learn to live in the present. I need to be at peace.
What is going on with me?
blogI’m writing this at work on my lunch because I just feel the need to. I’m very anxious today; I threw up before work and all day I’ve been just “GO GO GO” all day and I need this break.
Last week was rough: I threw up before work, I worked almost 60 hours, and it was also that time of the month so I was already feeling super exhausted and anxious. I figured that this week would be better (because literally how couldn’t it be) and here I am, still very anxious and exhausted.
Last night I fell asleep at 8:30pm, which is very early for me. I have barely any appetite, I’m exhausted and I literally can’t tell if I’m actually ill or if it’s just my anxiety. Lately my anxiety has been sneaking into my dreams as well which is torture because they’re so realistic that I wake up confused and literally don’t know what’s real or not.
My next appt with my therapist isn’t until January 31- I’m always on the cancellation list but my boyfriend is suggesting that I try to talk to her on the phone before my appointment. I’m trying to deal with it on my own because I feel like I should be able to, its just rough right now.
Self Care Sunday
blogToday my friend and I got up and went to a coffee shop for some lattes before our 10:30am Yin Yoga class. This was our first time taking this type of yoga class, and I’m glad we did! It’s a class where all of the poses are done sitting or laying down, and it focuses on long, deep stretches and meditation. I was in desperate need of it after this past week.
I don’t want to dwell on the past, so I’ll keep it pretty short and simple. I worked almost 60 hours this past week, which included Saturday when I went to work in scrubs because one of the dental assistants called off due to the weather (when it didn’t even snow until after 10am). Thankfully I had a tattoo appointment yesterday after work and my friend came out to visit me and stay over so we could go to the yoga class today.
This upcoming week will be better than the last one, and I have more plans to look forward to next weekend. I’m going out with a friend Friday night and she’s staying overnight. I also have plans to hang with another friend on Sunday as well! I just have to stay busy and make sure I’m making time and doing thing that I enjoy.
I am exhausted and am most definitely not ready for work tomorrow, but again it’ll be better than last week. I’m going to relax with my boyfriend and my cats now. Goodnight. ♡
this year is mine.
blogI finally saw my therapist last Friday after six weeks without a session. She had to cancel one of our sessions earlier in December and she didn’t have any cancellations prior to this appointment I had for January 3rd, so it’s been a little longer than usual between sessions. I am always happy to see my therapist, and as usual we had a good session. I will say that it has left me with open eyes and I realize I am needing to deal with certain things in friendships/relationships. I have a problem where I often spread myself too thin and I feel like I over book myself, but it’s not always with things that I want to do. I can’t keep doing things that I don’t want to do, and I can’t keep accepting guilt from those who try to guilt trip me into doing certain things.
I am often exhausted; I typically drive to work before the sun is up and I come home long after it had already set. Besides my job, I also have to keep up with things at home such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking (which I plan to start doing more or this year), cat-moming, garbage etc. Not only that, but I am also trying to work on developing healthy habits such as going to the gym, reading more often, and focusing on my poetry. Now, I know I don’t have any children, and I know I’m not ready for them yet which is why my boyfriend and I take necessary precautions, but that does not mean I am not busy or stressed.
I understand that other people are stressed as well, as we all have different lives and stress, but I think people often look at me like I have all of the time in the world, when in reality I don’t. I do make sure to spend time with friends, but I typically will spread that out over weekends as again, I’m often very tired. I also love spending time at home with my boyfriend since I spend long hours away from him during the week. I know I have good friends who understand these things, and I also know that I have friends who enjoy spending time with me and would probably prefer I spent more time with them; but as adults we all need to understand that our priorities in life are changing, and we have more responsibilities taking our time.
What’s important is that I am happy with how I am spending my time. It is important to be a little selfish- we are the only people who will be with ourselves every day until we die. I feel that one of the most important things in life is to love and care about yourself, and for some of us it takes time and effort to get to that point. That is what I want to focus on right now. I am 24, I’m in a committed relationship, I have an Associates Degree, I’m a home-owner, and I am a manager of a dental practice. I work for what I want, and at this point I want to work on myself. This will also not only benefit me, but my relationship with my boyfriend, my friends, my family, and my future children. ♡
Goodbye 2019
blogIt is 9:08pm on NYE and my boyfriend and I are at home in our sweats with no plans to leave. Our evening shall consist of drinking wine (me) and whiskey (him) together while watching funny shows and playing checkers.
Well, actually I just looked over at my boyfriend who is laying in bed and his eyes were closed so I yelled out “hey! are you sleeping??” and he just looked up at me with his tired eyes and laughed. So who knows if we’re even going to make it to midnight… to be fair I didn’t last year! LOL
I drew out a schedule for myself that I will start in a few weeks once the Planet Fitness in my town opens up. I already signed up for my membership and got the more expensive one so I can bring a guest for free whenever I want. My 2020 schedule includes a steady workout schedule, as well as a plan to start cooking more and eating at home. I also have schedule in reading and writing, as well as yoga.
Another goal of mine is to sign up for a yoga and/or fitness class at least once a month. Lucky for me, I have a friend who wants to join me in yoga classes, so we can hold each other accountable! I am also going to continue seeing my therapist on a regular basis, and keep working on being the best version of myself.
I feel so lame because I am very tired right now. I think I’m going to pour myself a glass of wine and just chill and watch Netflix while my boyfriend sleeps; I mean I’m basically 24 going on 70. Well, tomorrow is the start of a new year, and a new decade- honestly, thinking of that makes me even more exhausted. I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe NYE, and I also hope 2020 brings nothing but blessings. ♡
Treating myself
blogI feel like I’ve been treating myself a lot lately, and I’m having mixed feelings about it. On one hand I know that I am a hard worker and I am good with my money so I deserve to splurge every once in a while. However, on the other hand I already have a decent balance on my credit card and I feel like I shouldn’t be spending more money on myself until that’s paid off.
Today I went to the mall with my mom because I wanted to get my friend something for Christmas. My family and I go to Iowa for our family Christmas in January, and my friend lives in the same town as my family and I want to bring her and her daughter a little something for the holiday (and because I love them). I ended up getting a couple of cute things that I think they will really enjoy.
Although I succeeded in getting gifts for them, I also decided to buy myself some clothes and candles because “why not just treat myself!” right?? To be fair the candles were on sale, and I didn’t spend too much on clothes. I got a cute baggy sweatshirt that I’m wearing right now, as well as a post malone shirt and two sweaters. I could have been a lot worse, but I still have a lingering feeling of guilt in the back of my brain.
I have to remember that I am still responsible and good with my money, even if I do have a bit of money sitting on my credit card. I guess a good example is that I always make sure that all of our bills are able to be paid every month. We don’t pay bills late, and we always make sure to put the same amount of money in our account so we are equally responsible for all bills/groceries/etc. I also make sure my separate bills are paid as well, like my car and phone. Whenever I get paid I put money towards my credit card balance (when there is one)… it’s not like I am ignoring the debt that’s there.
Money has always been a struggle and almost a trigger for me. Not in the way that I’ve ever been in debt or huge financial trouble, but the fact that I just obsess over it and basically let it run my life. I really shouldn’t feel guilty for buying a couple of outfits and/or getting my nails done, when I am making sure all other important things are paid first. I should probably bring this up in therapy on Friday, but also is it even important or relevant? I mean I obviously just wrote a whole blog post about it so I guess so.
Coming to the end.
blogI’m looking forward to the new year. I’m ready to get back into the gym and make it a routine, and hopefully develop an overall healthier lifestyle throughout the year. I am looking forward to working on my writing, both poetry and my general blog posts, such as this one. I’m looking forward to visiting a couple of friends out of state, and hopefully going to Hawaii as well! I am also excited to continue therapy and working on myself.
Although for the past couple of weeks I have been really feeling the “good-fucking-bye 2019- I will not miss you at all” vibe, I do realize that there were some great things that happened this past year. Even though I have been extremely stressed out, I know that I have made progress in both myself and my career. I feel like this is the first year where I have really learned how to say “no,” and I have set healthy boundaries with certain relationships. I definitely still have work to do, but seeing how far I’ve already come only makes me want to continue moving forward.
This year I was able to leave my place of work that I very much disliked, and I found a job where I have a boss who genuinely cares about her employees. I also have freedom when it comes to my schedule and how I want to do things in the office. I’m not going to lie, this job has been the most stressful one I have had in my entire life- I literally used to throw up every morning before work for two months straight because my anxiety was so high. I knew that it would get better though, and now that I have been here for over six months I feel like it has gotten much better. There is still plenty to do, but it is getting to be more manageable.
Although I did not stick to the ketogenic/low-carb lifestyle, I feel like I still had an improvement with my relationship with food. I am not going to do another strict diet anytime soon, but I am going to limit my sugar intake and make sure to avoid binge eating. I want working out/going to the gym to become a hobby for me again. I feel like the best part of working out is the fact that you are truly benefiting yourself and practicing a form of self-care. Caring about your health is important, and this upcoming year I turn 25 and people tell me its harder to lose weight and get the body you want the closer you get to 30+ (so basically its now or never).
I am excited to see what 2020 brings. Oddly enough, I am very optimistic about this upcoming year. I feel that may be because I know that I can control my attitude and responses to situations and make the year great all on my own. Of course I expect life to take a few shits on me throughout the year, but I know that I can handle anything. Luckily for me, I don’t have to handle it on my own, as my boyfriend will be right by my side supporting me and loving me; so when life inevitable shits on us, we will get through it together. ♡
Merry Christmas
blogI hope everyone had a wonderful day. This was my least favorite Christmas ever, and I plan to do it much different next year.
This year my parents and I decided not to do presents, which I was fine with because I need to save money and we’re all adults. My boyfriend and I also decided not to do Christmas presents because we want to invest in a new bed within the next few months. I only got gifts for one friend and her child, which was fun, but I just wish I would have done more.
I always love giving people gifts and I feel like that really helps to keep me in the Christmas spirit. I told my boyfriend that next year I would like to do gifts again, and he said that was fine.
Another thing I want to do next year is get a child or two off of a giving tree or angel tree. Or maybe donate to a local animal shelter. I feel like I should be giving more and I would feel better. I know I don’t have to wait for a certain time of year to do that, it just seems like a good time.
Well, Christmas is over so New Year’s eve is next which I’m looking forward to. I’m ready to say goodbye to 2019 and not look back. Don’t get me wrong, I had some positive changes in myself as well as my career, but overall I just feel that 2019 had a lot of sadness and stress. I just know that 2020 will be much better. ♡
finding light in the dark 