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Choose Wisely

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What is sacred anymore?

What is intimate?

What is worth keeping in private?

Where is the discernment?

Does anyone keep anything to themselves anymore? To their closest loved ones?

Does anyone value having anything that is theirs, and only theirs?

Does every envious and evil eye have the right to see your most precious moments?

Does every judgmental person deserve your energy and attention?

Does everyone in your digital friends list meet the requirements to actually be a part of your life? To come into your home? To watch your kids?

Does every horny individual on your feed deserve to see your naked body? To look at you as an object? To assume you did this all for them?

Are the views and the likes worth it? The followers and possibility of going viral?

Does the external validation go far? Could you give yourself that validation without getting it from someone else?

Would you still like your posts if it was only for you and your loved ones? Would you be proud of your children doing and posting the same content?

In the worlds of real life and “reel” life, are you living in your values in both? Are you the same person both on and offline?

Everything in life is temporary, yet the content we post to the internet remains forever. It has become to normal to share every aspect of our lives online to both people we know and complete strangers… but just because something is normal, doesn’t mean it’s good.

In an age of being so “connected” through apps and technology, we are so far disconnected from ourselves.

We’ve become addicted to external validation to feed our unhealed wounds of unworthiness.

We’ve become addicted to the dopamine rush when we get a lot of views or engagement.

We’ve become addicted to our screens and “connecting” with others, while ignoring the real world around us.

And we can run around and say it isn’t our fault and blame everyone else, but it’s our responsibility now. We know now.

So sit with yourself, and ask:

What do you value most in this life? Are you living in your values?

What are you grateful for? Have you thought about how many blessings are around you on a daily basis?

What habits are you wishing to let go of? What habits have you been wanting to develop?

What do you do when you’re avoiding something else? Is this beneficial to you in anyway? Is this something you wish to continue?

We all get a little lost sometimes, but the important part is that we come back home to ourselves over and over again.

None of us get out of here alive. We deserve to live lives that we are proud of. We deserve lives that we will be grateful to look back on when we’re lying peacefully on our deathbeds.

You are in charge of you.

You get to decide who has access to your mind, to your body, and to your soul.

You get one life to live, and you are the one who chooses who and what you give your energy to.

Choose wisely.

Today’s Thoughts

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I’ve always had this feeling that I am meant for “more.” I have always felt that my words could reach many people and inspire them to live their best, happiest lives, even though the self-improvement category itself has millions of authors and podcasters already. I’ve always dreamed of writing a book and starting a podcast, because I was able to improve my own life with the help of therapy and consuming this very content that I wish to create. But why do I feel the need to spread the word? Is this really for the good of all and helping others, or am I feeding a need for validation that I was constantly seeking throughout childhood? Do I actually crave the spotlight when I have been doing so well at hiding from it my entire life? Do I feel the need to “fix” and “help” people, because I didn’t feel like anyone was there to do that for me as a kid? I’m just going to journal out some thoughts and see if I can get clarity to any of these questions.

From my current perspective, I can acknowledge that I had a traumatic childhood when it came to my home/family life. My parents were functioning alcoholics that seemed to hate each other based on the profane words they screamed at each other every night. I was overly sheltered and controlled, all while my parents were most certainly out of control. As I grew into my teenage years, I started recognizing how abnormal my family situation was, and this is where the anger inside grew. I never rebelled in my opinion, but I did start to have a pretty smart-ass attitude due to the fact that I was not allowed to have the same big emotions that my parents had. I remember being upset about something and my dad mocking me by saying “awwww why don’t you go slit your wrists.” He felt that I was overly dramatic… I wonder where I got it from.

That was a very small blip of the kind words I heard directed towards me, but all to say that I had a lot of anger and self-worth issues within me. Once I moved out of their apartment and into my own with my boyfriend, I thought all my issues would be gone. In my head, I knew that clearly my parents were the problem, so I was confused when my anxiety and anger issues did not dissipate, instead they started to eat me alive. I felt so much shame, and I started taking the anger out on myself in my mind. I repeated phrases I heard from my father repeatedly inside my head. “Dumbass.” “You’re not gonna make it on your own.” “You’re so dramatic.” “You’re the reason we fight.” I never believed any of those drunk words at home, but now as I sit in my own apartment with these uncontrollable thoughts, I can’t help but think that it must have been me the entire time. Why did I still feel like this even though I was no longer under my parents’ control? After months of constant crying and panic attacks, my fiancé finally said to me: “I think you need help.” And I knew I did. I didn’t want to feel that way every single day of my life, and I had no idea how to help myself, so I found a psychiatrist and started my journey.

I know I have talked about my medication journey and all of that before on this blog, but long story short I was not happy with my psychiatrist or the medication I was on. I ended up quitting cold turkey after my doctor refused to allow me to stop the medication, and it took a while for me to consider starting any other anti-anxiety medications again. Over the years, I found help in talk therapy, but also found a lot of help in listening to podcasters such as Jay Shetty, Mel Robbins and Gabby Bernstein. I found help in self-help books, as well as spiritual books such as The Four Agreements and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I found help in talking walks outside and focusing on play, rather than perfectionism. To this day, I am still in therapy and thanks to my doctor, I have been able to gain a better understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. I am still practicing being present and allowing myself to try new things without focusing so much on being good at whatever it is I am doing. Life isn’t about being good at everything, life is about being able to handle failure and recognizing that we are here to learn and grow constantly. I used to feel so defeated if I made a single mistake, and I would go down a shame spirals of self-loathing that took a while to dig myself out of. Now I still will have moments where I feel upset with myself or my progress, but it is much easier to pull myself out of that headspace and remind myself to give the same grace and love that I give to others to myself.

I remember how horrible it was to live in my head when it was riddled with abuse and negative self-talk. I remember feeling guilty for being sad and feeling empty when I had such a beautiful life around me. On the outside, everyone saw success, but on the inside I was dying. All of my worth came from my accomplishments and what I was doing with my life, but inside I felt less than worthy of any of it. I felt inauthentic and angry, and instead of allowing myself to just feel through the hard feelings, I kept hating them and shoving them away into a deep, dark shame hole, which only seemed to grow and consume me. It was when I finally recognized that fighting against my thoughts only made everything feel more chaotic that I started to actively just allow the thoughts to just be and then go. When I gave each of these negative thoughts the extra attention, it only made them stronger and allowed them to ruminate around and around; but once I acknowledged the thought and let it pass, it became so much calmer in my mind and body.

I prefer to have a calm mind and body. I prefer to feel control over my thoughts, rather than the other way around. I’d rather feed the positive thoughts and ruminate on good news. I’d rather see the good in the world and the lessons in the chaos, knowing that all is happening for the greatest good. I’d love a world in which we could stop hating ourselves, thus making it easier to love another, bringing peace across the world. This is a dream I have, as I can see the difference in myself and how I interact with the world around me now that I understand and love myself. I truly believe that if humans were in tune with themselves and had empathy and compassion towards others, we could have peace here on Earth. When I started this post, I was looking for an answer as to why I had these dreams to write a book and start a podcast, but that is because those are tools that can be used to assist in this large, seemingly impossible dream. I know in my heart that love always is the answer, and love is always meant to win. No matter how dark the world gets, there is light that can break through and shine brightly. The world needs more light, and the only way to achieve that dream is to do my part and spread light of my own.

Good morning, Wednesday

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It’s honestly incredible how much someone else’s energy can change ours. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, and as soon as I reached over to lay my hand on my sleeping fiancés back, it all washed away. I immediately felt relaxed and safe, as it reminded me that I am only right here in bed at this moment, next to the love of my life. Becoming grounded in the present moment often gives a sense of ease, as my intrusive thoughts tend to be about the future and losing the people I love the most. I know our time here is finite, so I use those thoughts to remind me to truly enjoy the here and now, and wrap myself in gratitude for what is. I am grateful for this life, and this love. Thank you.

Tonight’s Thoughts

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Propaganda (Oxford): “Persuasive mass communication that filters and frames the issues of the day in a way that strongly favours particular interests; usually those of a government or corporation.”

Propaganda (Merriam-Webster): “The spreading of ideas, information, or rumor for the purpose of helping or injuring an institution, a cause, or a person.”

Propaganda (Brittanica): “Ideas or statements that are often false or exaggerated and that are spread in order to help a cause, a political leader, a government, etc.”

I hated history in school, but I do remember learning a bit about propaganda. The generation I am a part of is the first one who grew up with the internet and social media. we don’t have to wait for the channel 7’s breaking story, we have thousands of stories at our fingertips at every waking moment.

It is so easy for anyone with power behind the media/algorithms to control us, because we’re addicted to the screens and we’re addicted to the stress. It’s sad to see so much hatred and division, but diving and conquering seems to work for those in power.

I know this all sounds sooooo doom and gloom, but I honestly think there’s hope. I think that more people have common goals than they think, and we need to actually learn how to sit and actually have a conversations to listen, learn, and collaborate. We need to learn how to manage our emotions, rather than letting our emotions manage us. Consuming copious amounts of traumatic images and horrendous events repeatedly is actually doing something to our brains.

I thought the answer was to get off of social media, and honestly I still feel that in a way, but this is also a way to share information and hopefully help people to realize how much we could actually do together. We’re all skin and bones, and I’m always going to be hopeful that love wins in the end. Humans deserve peace.

Free Writing, Free Thoughts. 4-28-24

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I am proud of myself for being able to speak about my opinions while still having empathy, and I have had this ability all along. I’ve kept quiet, keeping my true thoughts to myself in times where it was actually appropriate to share them all in fear of hurting another person. Having a different opinion or thought may be offensive or triggering for some, but that is not to be feared, that is to be expected and even celebrated.

If you think about it, now you have an opportunity to learn about this new perspective that has you bothered- meaning now you can learn where this belief may stem from. If you are very set in your belief and opinion, now you get to move forward with these relationships knowing how the other person feels and you get to decide if that is something you can deal with. If I completely disagree with someone’s morals or learn something that changes my view of them, I am allowed to express my concern and/or distance myself. Just as they are allowed to do the same once they know my opinion as well!

It is not a loss when someone leaves after you are open and authentic; instead you now have more room for the real connections that you’re going to make in your life. The authentic and genuine connections only come from you being authentic and genuine. Whatever it is you’re seeking, make sure you’re embodying that in your own life. You are not required to share everything with everyone, and the more you’re open to having conversations, the more you learn to practice discernment. Not everyone is entitled to know every detail of your life, you do not need to share anything that you don’t want to.

The more time you spend with yourself, the more you learn about yourself- but the more you spend connecting with others, the more you learn from others and gain new perspectives. Balance is important. Being in tune with your gut is important. Be still, be brave, and be authentic.

Thoughts on Thots on Thoughts

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I am a big believer in karma: what you give is what you get. The energy you emit into the world is what will return back to you. What you present yourself as is what you will attract. Karma is real; it is not good or bad, it just is. It is important to be intentional with yourself and your actions.

I was called a slut-shamer in high school because of a facebook post. I can’t even remember what my post was about- likely something like “finding love isn’t easy, but being easy won’t find you love.” Looking at that now, I can see how that could offend people, however I do believe that how you present yourself will attract certain people. For be fair, growing up I was taught that boys just want to have sex with you and once they do they’ll either leave or just use you for that.

With that being said, I was never person who dressed in super revealing clothing, because I knew that would bring certain attention. No, I don’t think it’s right that girls are taught to cover up, while boys aren’t taught how to be respectful- but this is the society and reality we live in. I know 100% if I were to post pictures of myself in more revealing clothing that I’d get more likes. This is not to sound cocky, this is the reality for any woman, because sex sells and the are literal horn-dogs everywhere. However, I also know that me putting those images out there will attract the men / people who are looking for that- and that was never something I wanted.

I never wanted one-night stands or flings or to be known as the girl who was “easy,” so I didn’t present myself that way. I never wanted a man who just wanted me for my body or sex, I wanted something real. I knew I wanted a respectful man who wasn’t going to use me or my body; I wanted someone who loved me for me, because my my body will inevitably change over the years, and there will always be someone younger / hotter. I knew that if someone wanted me based on my body or based on just sex, there’s a higher chance they’d leave me for a body better than mine, or be entertaining another body.

I don’t have anything against woman / people who show off their bodies or do SW or anything like that, because that really doesn’t have any effect on my life. I will say I have seen videos of p-stars / S-workers crying online saying how it’s a lonely life, and that people only look at you as an object and not as a person- which is 100% wrong, but it’s also an unfortunate consequence when that is what is advertised. I can imagine it is hard for a man to be out with his woman and guys just keep coming up saying how they’ve seen your girl naked and watched her get her back blown out by someone else- I definitely would be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed.

In reality that is all it comes down to- what are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Are you in alignment with the values you are seeking in a relationship? What do you consider to be faithful / loyal? Do you care about loyalty? I think the easiest question to use in any sort of relationship is: If your significant other did what you were doing, would you be comfortable with that? That will prevent many conflicts.

Now again this may be offensive and that’s not the intention, I just am an old soul and more conservative in that way than almost everyone I know and I felt the need to write through it. There definitely are people who are doing SW that have found love and have relationships, and they absolutely deserve healthy love! There are men and women who are completely okay with their significant others doing SW, and regardless, in any relationship, there just has to be open communication and understanding between each other in order to keep everyone safe, healthy and happy.

Overall, what other people do is none of your business, but what you do and how you present yourself attracts the life you’re seeking. Be intentional with the energy and frequency you emit into the world, as you get to make that choice. Live a life where you are aligned with your own values, goals and purpose.

Releasing Limiting Beliefs

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This is a post for myself to talk/write through my limiting beliefs and hopefully make more sense of them and let them go, so I can start reaching my full potential. Scorpio season is all about addressing our shadows and working with them so that we can release what no longer serves us, so I am taking this time to do so.

Limiting Belief #1: “I am stupid.”

This is not necessarily something I believe anymore, however I know there are remnants of that thought that still sneaks in every time I think about pursuing certain goals. Who am I to educate anyone? Who am I to tell my story? Who am I to know what is best for anyone? That’s the thing though, I don’t. I don’t claim to know what’s best for anyone- I only know what’s best for me. That is the same for everyone- only we know what is best for us. I never claim to know more than I do, and I am first to admit when I am wrong or when I do not know enough about a topic. Nobody knows everything, and I am no exception. I do know what has helped me navigate through my own life and I find myself admiring others who are vulnerable and authentic, so why deny myself that right? Likely this stems from the next limiting belief.

Limiting Belief #2: “Attention is bad.”

I notice a lot of triggers around attention within myself. I’ve talked about it before that I am not one who loves the spotlight, nor am I one who needs to tell everyone my business or my struggles when I am going through it, because I just don’t like that sort of attention. I never have dressed really flashy or worn anything really revealing as I know that draws attention; and I especially do not like any sort of sexual attention like cat-calling or stares as I am not easily accessible so I do not like to advertise myself as such. I do get confused when I see others who are constantly looking for attention and validation online, and I don’t judge because I don’t know their life, but I also can’t help but have questions in my head because it is so different from how I think.

I struggle with this battle of attention because I no longer feel that keeping myself “small” in the world is serving me. With these certain projects I want to pursue, it would take me putting my full, vulnerable self out in the world and even promoting it so that it can reach the audience it is meant to. I understand this means going completely against my weird animosity towards attention, but I am also trying to focus on the mission behind it. I have always been one to care deeply for others and I also always want people to have happiness and peace in their lives, mainly because I know how horrible it is to feel empty when life is going exactly as you wished it would.

I guess I just have to focus on my intentions, and let go of the fact that everyone will always have their own opinions and perspectives, just as I have mine. If I share my story publicly, I know the intention is to help others and show how freeing it can be once you acknowledge the pain and work to release it. If I dress in a way that is different from the “norm” and it draws some attention, the intention behind any outfit of mine is to feel good for myself. I remember if someone was wearing something bright or “different,” I’d always hear “they just want attention.” But in reality, people typically dress for themselves, not others. One of my favorite artists is Qveen Herby, and that bitch is always rocking some loud ass clothes and has zero shame because that is what she feels the most herself in. She doesn’t do it for attention, she does it to make herself and her inner child happy.

Limiting Belief #3: “I am not worthy.”

As someone who has most definitely had judgments of loved ones, who has been a chronic “fixer,” who has been a perfectionist and a people-pleaser (aka manipulative), why am I worthy of any sort of love or success? Why should I share love and light when I have fallen victim to the ego a plethora of times? Why should I give advice when sometimes I can’t even take my own? Why should I encourage everyone to seek happiness and inner peace when there are times that I’d rather sit and pout? When I write this out I realize though that this is everyone, isn’t it? Aren’t we all battling between ego and soul? Isn’t our human body and experience about growing and finding the balance between the two? I don’t even believe that everything is just black and white, I know it’s a million shades of grey- so why wouldn’t it be acceptable for myself to be one (or more) of those shades? We’re meant to evolve and grow, and it’s inevitable that we will make mistakes along the way… but that’s the point. I have to make mistakes to learn from them. I have to try and fail in order find the best path forward. I have to be as human as everyone else if I am trying to relate to the humans around me. I am not meant to be perfect or be everyone’s cup of tea- I am meant to be my own person and be a person that I love.

In reality, I am not stupid- I am forever learning. Having attention on me is not wrong, as long as I am true to my values and intentions. I am worthy of love and joy because I radiate that from my soul, and genuinely want the best for everyone. I am more than these limiting thoughts that come into my head, and I refuse to feed them anymore. We are not our thoughts, but also we can choose certain thoughts that help us create a better reality. I am choosing to love myself for me, and free my authentic self from the shame and guilt that I sat in for so long, because I deserve it. I deserve peace, I deserve love, and I deserve happiness, so I am choosing to give these things to myself.

Current Thoughts / Downloads

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Take what’s for you, leave what isn’t.

I don’t need what doesn’t need me.

What goes around always comes back around.

Intentions matter.

Finding comfort in the chaos will help you go far; change is the only thing promised in life.

Let it go, let it flow, and you will glow.

No need to worry about things that you literally have zero control over. Worrying only takes away from the peace of the moment, and you deserve peace.

Protected. Guided. Aligned.

Love is always the answer. We don’t have all of the answers, but if we have love, that’s all that matters.

What triggers you is what inspires you. Anger comes from passion- what are you passionate about? What brings that anger out of you? Feeling unheard? Unseen? Feeling as if someone is being selfish? Closed-mindedness? Dishonesty? You are passionate about expression, about selflessness, openness, and authenticity!

Grey days are great days for resting, recharging, releasing. Nothing is black and white, it’s all grey. (LOL I just realized I’m also wearing all grey)

Connected, not attached- nothing is permanent, therefore nothing is worth losing your peace over.