self growth journey

Releasing Limiting Beliefs

blog

This is a post for myself to talk/write through my limiting beliefs and hopefully make more sense of them and let them go, so I can start reaching my full potential. Scorpio season is all about addressing our shadows and working with them so that we can release what no longer serves us, so I am taking this time to do so.

Limiting Belief #1: “I am stupid.”

This is not necessarily something I believe anymore, however I know there are remnants of that thought that still sneaks in every time I think about pursuing certain goals. Who am I to educate anyone? Who am I to tell my story? Who am I to know what is best for anyone? That’s the thing though, I don’t. I don’t claim to know what’s best for anyone- I only know what’s best for me. That is the same for everyone- only we know what is best for us. I never claim to know more than I do, and I am first to admit when I am wrong or when I do not know enough about a topic. Nobody knows everything, and I am no exception. I do know what has helped me navigate through my own life and I find myself admiring others who are vulnerable and authentic, so why deny myself that right? Likely this stems from the next limiting belief.

Limiting Belief #2: “Attention is bad.”

I notice a lot of triggers around attention within myself. I’ve talked about it before that I am not one who loves the spotlight, nor am I one who needs to tell everyone my business or my struggles when I am going through it, because I just don’t like that sort of attention. I never have dressed really flashy or worn anything really revealing as I know that draws attention; and I especially do not like any sort of sexual attention like cat-calling or stares as I am not easily accessible so I do not like to advertise myself as such. I do get confused when I see others who are constantly looking for attention and validation online, and I don’t judge because I don’t know their life, but I also can’t help but have questions in my head because it is so different from how I think.

I struggle with this battle of attention because I no longer feel that keeping myself “small” in the world is serving me. With these certain projects I want to pursue, it would take me putting my full, vulnerable self out in the world and even promoting it so that it can reach the audience it is meant to. I understand this means going completely against my weird animosity towards attention, but I am also trying to focus on the mission behind it. I have always been one to care deeply for others and I also always want people to have happiness and peace in their lives, mainly because I know how horrible it is to feel empty when life is going exactly as you wished it would.

I guess I just have to focus on my intentions, and let go of the fact that everyone will always have their own opinions and perspectives, just as I have mine. If I share my story publicly, I know the intention is to help others and show how freeing it can be once you acknowledge the pain and work to release it. If I dress in a way that is different from the “norm” and it draws some attention, the intention behind any outfit of mine is to feel good for myself. I remember if someone was wearing something bright or “different,” I’d always hear “they just want attention.” But in reality, people typically dress for themselves, not others. One of my favorite artists is Qveen Herby, and that bitch is always rocking some loud ass clothes and has zero shame because that is what she feels the most herself in. She doesn’t do it for attention, she does it to make herself and her inner child happy.

Limiting Belief #3: “I am not worthy.”

As someone who has most definitely had judgments of loved ones, who has been a chronic “fixer,” who has been a perfectionist and a people-pleaser (aka manipulative), why am I worthy of any sort of love or success? Why should I share love and light when I have fallen victim to the ego a plethora of times? Why should I give advice when sometimes I can’t even take my own? Why should I encourage everyone to seek happiness and inner peace when there are times that I’d rather sit and pout? When I write this out I realize though that this is everyone, isn’t it? Aren’t we all battling between ego and soul? Isn’t our human body and experience about growing and finding the balance between the two? I don’t even believe that everything is just black and white, I know it’s a million shades of grey- so why wouldn’t it be acceptable for myself to be one (or more) of those shades? We’re meant to evolve and grow, and it’s inevitable that we will make mistakes along the way… but that’s the point. I have to make mistakes to learn from them. I have to try and fail in order find the best path forward. I have to be as human as everyone else if I am trying to relate to the humans around me. I am not meant to be perfect or be everyone’s cup of tea- I am meant to be my own person and be a person that I love.

In reality, I am not stupid- I am forever learning. Having attention on me is not wrong, as long as I am true to my values and intentions. I am worthy of love and joy because I radiate that from my soul, and genuinely want the best for everyone. I am more than these limiting thoughts that come into my head, and I refuse to feed them anymore. We are not our thoughts, but also we can choose certain thoughts that help us create a better reality. I am choosing to love myself for me, and free my authentic self from the shame and guilt that I sat in for so long, because I deserve it. I deserve peace, I deserve love, and I deserve happiness, so I am choosing to give these things to myself.

Good Days & Grateful Tears

blog

Today I was eating lunch with my boyfriend in our dining room as we listened to Mac Miller’s Tiny Desk Concert on vinyl, and out of nowhere I started to cry. I could feel the tears coming and I didn’t even try to keep them away, because what I felt wasn’t sadness… it was happiness. I felt so present in that moment and I was just taking note of how wonderful my life is, and it made me emotional.

I thought back to when my boyfriend and I first moved into our apartment over eight years ago, and just how mentally unwell I was. I remember thinking to myself that I had everything I wanted, and I was still so empty. It felt like even though I had achieved my goals and lived a life I wanted, it wasn’t enough. I was confused and angry with myself, and I just kept thinking “what is wrong with me?” I blamed myself. I hated myself. I didn’t feel worthy of the life I had, and in reality, I was anxious and depressed.

Every day felt like a battle. I was constantly arguing with myself between “rational me” and “irrational me,” which really now I look at as my inner child vs. my present (or not so present back then) self. I hated that I had such a short fuse and I was always racing the clock; I never could sit still or enjoy anything in my life, because to me, my worth came from what tasks I was completing. I didn’t feel worthy of relaxation when I had assignments to do or house chores. I didn’t feel I was worthy of fun or any sort of meaningful time to myself, and looking back, all I can say is I am so happy to be where I am today.

I feel so blessed when I can just sit and feel the joys around me, and actually feel full inside. I notice the blessings and actively practice gratitude and that honestly has made a huge difference in my journey. I have found it easier to let go of what is beyond my control, and I also find it easier to flip my perspective to a better one when I find myself in moments of stress.

Eight years ago I never would have imagined that I’d be living this way; having self-compassion, actively seeing a therapist and seeking self help through podcasts and books, and truly feeling joy in my every day life. Life is a journey and I know I will have more challenges to come and curveballs to be thrown my way, but now I know I can trust myself to navigate any situation thrown my way- and for that I am so thankful and proud.

Thank you for this wonderful life. Thank you for the blessings around me. Thank you for the love I have surrounding me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Who am I?

blog

Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?

Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?

Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?

Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?

Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?

Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?

Who am I?

I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.

I am light, even with the shadow.

I am love, even with the heaviness.

I am peace, even with the chaos.

Solar Eclipse / Self Check-In

blog

This morning we will experience a solar eclipse. Although I only dabble in astrology and I don’t believe everything I see or read, I definitely believe that our energy is affected by the planets, sun and moon. Especially for me, being highly-sensitive/empathic definitely allows me to feel the shifts.

I’ve been having some interesting dreams this week: I had one where I met Taylor Swift, which was a super fun and relaxed dream, but I also had a dream that I needed to take in a 12-year old child to take care of and that I needed to convince my boyfriend to adopt him. I really don’t spend a lot of time analyzing my dreams, although I always say that I want to and then don’t, but I feel like maybe my dreams are trying to remind me to see the good in myself.

Throughout this year I’ve been battling with myself about the idea of me being a fraud. I kept feeling like because I have some negative thoughts or judgments about other people’s actions that made my niceness and empathy fake. However, I know that during the human experience we are going to experience dualities in our lives, and some like to break it down between the Ego and the Soul.

As I’ve been more aware and I’ve been open in my therapy sessions, I’ve recognized that I am not a fraud at all- I am simply a human being. If someone else does something that does not align with my values, it is normal to feel put off by that. Me trying to empathize with them and still being nice and supportive about other parts of them or their life doesn’t make me fake, because I truly do try to see other people’s perspectives and I care about others.

I think where I struggle is that sometimes I wonder if I should be bringing up to that person how I am seeing their actions and behaviors from my lens. I know I am not God and I do not know what is best for anyone at all, but I feel dishonest sometimes if I am not being fully transparent about how I feel about something. At the same time though, it isn’t my job to tell people about themselves or change anyone. This is where my battle lies, but it’s easy for me to just say “If this doesn’t impact my life directly, then I am not going to bring anything up.” Which isn’t really wrong, but something in me still feels inauthentic.

It is not my job to fully understand anyone or everyone, it is my job to understand myself. It is not my job to tell people about how I see them, it is my job to treat them with respect, while simultaneously setting my own boundaries with them. Distancing from people is nothing to feel guilty about, especially when you know that a conversation has no chance of going anywhere (i.e. narcissistic people, people with victim mentality).

All I can do is listen to my gut and spend time with those who fill my cup, rather than just use me to fill theirs. I am sensitive, which allows me to be nurturing. I am grateful, which allows me to be happy and to spread my joy. I am resilient, which allows me to give hope. I am emotional, which allows me to be empathetic to others. I deserve to be around people who make me feel light and recharged, not drained and confused.

I will continue to heal myself and listen to my intuition, and I am grateful for this next chapter. This solar eclipse represents transformation, illumination, and abundance and I am ready for it all.

Welcoming October

blog

This October:

May I be free of worries and fears as I learn to trust in both myself and in the divine timing of the universe.

May I release all that does not belong to me and focus on the love and happiness in my life.

May I have peace of mind and body as I pay more attention to my gut feelings/intuition.

May I let go of any lingering self-sabotaging behaviors as I step into habits that support my best self.

May this month remind me of just how beautiful life can be when you stay focused on the blessings and love.

Thank you in advance for all of the abundance and blessings that are flowing towards me.

Thank you in advance for allowing me to feel confidence in my authenticity and fully love myself.

Thank you for answering my prayers and wishes, and thank you for allowing me to be full present to receive them.

I welcome October with open arms.

Dualities

blog

I am struggling, yet thriving. I am filled with joy, but also irritable. I am grateful, but also ready to release what is not serving me. I am proud, but also always looking forward to more growth. I am all of these things, all at the same time, because this is the human experience. At times it hurts like hell, and other times the happiness can feel like I’m floating on clouds; regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I am working on trusting my gut, instead of working against it, but I won’t lie, I still lose myself in guilt and people-pleasing. I have this habit of somehow making everything my fault and talking myself out of my own gut feelings as a way to not hurt others and also still avoid confrontation. However, I am recognizing that I need to release the confrontation I have within myself.

I feel it’s time to release and let go of these people-pleasing habits, and truly tune into myself and my intuition. I have always known what’s best for me, and I have always gotten myself through the challenges life throws my way. I am wise, I am open, I am empathetic, and I am humble. I am intelligent, I am loved, I am safe, and I am blessed. I deserve peace, and I am ready to give that to myself.

It’s 5am on Sunday…

blog

…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!

I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.

It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.

On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.

I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.

Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.

Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.

-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-

I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.

The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”

This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.

In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).

I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.

I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.

We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.

We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.

Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.

Twenty-Eight

blog

Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.

I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.

I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.

This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!

Good morning Monday

blog

I’m starting this week off right by slowing it down this morning. I gave myself time to stretch this morning and now I am sitting at the table, drinking my greens and writing this post! My boyfriend and I decided to try some vegan, powdered greens supplement so this is the first time I’ve had it and it honestly tastes pretty good!

This weekend I was able to see a few good friends and make some awesome memories. My best friend took me to the sunflower field as an early birthday gift which was so beautiful and fun! I also was able to attend my other friend’s daughter’s 2nd birthday party, which was 70s themed so of course I had to dress up for the occasion.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I worked on some decluttering and rearranging a couple rooms in the house, which honestly made me feel very happy and productive! We were able to just jam out to good music and get shit done, and boy did I sleep well last night LOL.

Now it’s time for a new week, and I have more exciting plans this coming weekend! This week I will focus on getting ahead at work since I decided to take off next Monday for my birthday, and then after work is for continuing to clean and make sure everything is ready for the weekend! In between all of that, the focus is finding joy and gratitude in every day, because this life is a blessing and I plan to see it that way.

Sending love to all this Monday, and I hope you have a wonderful week ahead!