self care

Focus

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Today is a relaxing day, and I am enjoying some time alone while my fiancé plays his VR. I decided to do a card pull from Gabby Bernstein’s “The Universe Has Your Back” deck. Before I pulled the first card, I asked the universe to “show me what I need to know.” When I pulled the card, one I have pulled recently, I actually giggled.

After reading “The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need,” I immediately took that as a sign to just surrender and release expectations for the next pull. Normally I don’t even pull two cards, but I knew this time I was meant to. The second pull, also a familiar card to me, read: “I’m unapologetic about what I desire and trust that what I focus on will grow.” That was the card I needed.

I find myself not allowing myself to fall deeply into my desires out of fear of them not being able to be fulfilled. I don’t want to feel disappointed or upset when things don’t go as planned, but I also have to give myself credit where it’s due. I have been able to let go of control a lot more this year as I lean into my faith in the universe. I focus on being present in my life, which has brought so much peace and happiness, and I know that in the present is where I belong.

I feel so lucky to be where I am today. Years ago I dreamt about these peaceful days of hanging out with the love of my life in our beautiful home. I dreamt of the days where I didn’t have constant panic attacks or angry explosions. I dreamt of being able to just relax and do nothing without feeling guilty or unworthy of love. These are the very best days, and I know that I will have even better days ahead, but for now I am so grateful to be where I am.

Wednesday Morning

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I’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.

I am grateful for rest and good sleep.

I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.

I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.

I am grateful for our home and our love.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this beautiful life.

Rest Day

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It’s a gorgeous day outside, and I am currently sitting in my papasan chair with my cat laying on my torso. I went on a walk this morning which was very refreshing and peaceful. Once I got back home, my fiancé and I went on a scenic drive out to grab some lunch and we treated ourselves to the new summer berry lemonade refreshers from Starbucks.

I decided to read a little while he is playing VR and after a chapter with Mushu purring on me I was quickly falling into a nap. Today is a day to rest and really soak up the love around me. I am so grateful for this life, and I’m happy to be present in these beautiful moments.

New Moon in Taurus: A Love Letter To Myself.

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It’s been amazing to watch you grow into the woman you are today. A woman who is no longer afraid of her emotions. Once upon a time you wanted to completely rid herself of them, and with just a few months of Zoloft that goal was achieved. It didn’t take long for you to recognize how lost you were without them, without your powers.

The sensitivity you have to others and to the world around you is a gift when you learn how to use it, and it’s amazing to see you catching on. I see you allowing yourself to feel that childlike joy and also allowing yourself to feel the anger that you’ve been shoving away for too long. Far too long. See how the world has shifted now that you accept and embrace these feelings? No wonder you want to share this with the world.

You care so deeply for others, for humanity as a whole actually. You’ve seen and felt what pain and trauma does to one’s mental health and well being, which makes it easy to have empathy for those who are struggling. You know what it’s like to not be able to feel the true love and joys around you, and now that you can feel them, you want everyone else to be able to feel them too.

You used to let this empathy consume you; losing yourself in everyone else’s worries that they all endlessly dumped on you. You absorbed the anxieties they had and abandoned yourself for too long, completely losing track of what was yours and what wasn’t. You did all of this while trying to keep up a perfect appearance to literally everyone around you- never releasing your own problems or feelings, because they all had enough to worry about.

You always felt like a burden, which is why you made sure to always put everyone else’s happiness before your own. If other people were happy, then there was less likely to be any conflict, thus giving a feeling of safety. You were in survival mode for most of your childhood and early 20s, and I am proud of the transformation you have made through your healing journey.

You allow yourself to rest without shaming yourself about it; instead you now realize it is necessary to recharge your own battery. You are present in your life, making new memories and taking time to enjoy the time with loved ones. You no longer talk about yourself negatively, but instead with the same empathy and grace you’ve always given to others. You have recognized the importance of speaking up and being authentic, and you openly and kindly share your thoughts and opinions with those who you’re close to. You prioritize spending your time and energy with the right people, and you aren’t afraid to say “no.”

You have grown so much throughout the years, and I am so proud of who you are. You deserve peace and love, and you have it all around you and within you. You are a magical woman with a strong intuition, and you’re a magnet for miracles. I love you so much, and I’m so happy to finally be here with you in this beautiful and crazy world. I am here. I am home.

Free Writing, Free Thoughts. 4-28-24

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I am proud of myself for being able to speak about my opinions while still having empathy, and I have had this ability all along. I’ve kept quiet, keeping my true thoughts to myself in times where it was actually appropriate to share them all in fear of hurting another person. Having a different opinion or thought may be offensive or triggering for some, but that is not to be feared, that is to be expected and even celebrated.

If you think about it, now you have an opportunity to learn about this new perspective that has you bothered- meaning now you can learn where this belief may stem from. If you are very set in your belief and opinion, now you get to move forward with these relationships knowing how the other person feels and you get to decide if that is something you can deal with. If I completely disagree with someone’s morals or learn something that changes my view of them, I am allowed to express my concern and/or distance myself. Just as they are allowed to do the same once they know my opinion as well!

It is not a loss when someone leaves after you are open and authentic; instead you now have more room for the real connections that you’re going to make in your life. The authentic and genuine connections only come from you being authentic and genuine. Whatever it is you’re seeking, make sure you’re embodying that in your own life. You are not required to share everything with everyone, and the more you’re open to having conversations, the more you learn to practice discernment. Not everyone is entitled to know every detail of your life, you do not need to share anything that you don’t want to.

The more time you spend with yourself, the more you learn about yourself- but the more you spend connecting with others, the more you learn from others and gain new perspectives. Balance is important. Being in tune with your gut is important. Be still, be brave, and be authentic.

Early Sunday Thoughts from my Bed

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As I lie here half asleep in my comfortable, warm bed, I can’t help but feel content. I remember the days where the second my eyes were open, I was immediately up working on household chores or school work or some other task that probably didn’t actually need to be done; I wouldn’t allow myself to rest. I’d always tell myself “I just have to get it all done now so I can relax later,” but later never came. I’d just add more and more tasks, none of which contained any rest or self care.

I used to feel chronically guilty and shameful when I’d rest or spend any time (or money) on myself. I felt shame around resting because it felt like laziness. I felt shame around spending money on myself because it felt like a waste- like whatever I had just purchased was stupid or completely unnecessary. If something unexpected came up and we needed money, I’d immediately think of how much I spent on myself and feel guilty and like everything was my fault. I always felt like everything was my fault.

I now live a life where I have unlearned some unhealthy patterns and I have released such shameful, guilty feelings for the most part. As a human, sometimes I will get triggered again, but it’s easier to acknowledge and give myself grace as I am aware of where these issues stem from. I feel so blessed to be able to just lay in bed next to the love of my life and relax for hours and not feel an ounce of guilt. Tasks will get done, life will go on, and it’s important to think about which memories are the ones I’ll want to bask in when I’m an old lady.

I’ll never regret cuddles with my fiancé or with my cats. I won’t regret the iced coffees or trips to cute downtown areas. I won’t regret the times I spent writing or being creative. I won’t regret taking the time to count my blessings. I won’t regret nice phone calls with friends. I won’t regret the fact that I decided to focus on my mental health and my own well-being, as it has allowed me to be more present in my life and truly soak in the love that surrounds me. More importantly, it allows me give that love to myself.

Tired

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I’ve been lazy with writing lately, but I’ve been present in my interactions. I’ve been slacking on my movement and healthy eating, but I’ve been better about giving myself grace. I’ve been tired and feeling like taking a little break, so I think I’m actually going to do that and minimize interactions with people for the next couple weeks. It’s been a good day, and a good weekend overall- I am ready for a pleasant, lucky week ahead. 🤍✨

New Moon Intentions

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Focus on the joy, and seek more of it.

See through a lens of love, and accept more of it.

Speak with honesty and kindness, and practice discernment.

Give time and effort to what fuels me and my future, and release the habits that are holding me back.

Be present.

Be mindful.

Be intentional.

Just be.

Authenticity Only

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I was a people-pleaser for too long, and this year I am actively working against it. I have ignored red flags and disrespectful behavior all in the name of “keeping the peace.” I was keeping quiet to keep others happy. I was agreeing when I didn’t, just to avoid conflict/confrontation. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in reality I still did, because I have been lying. People-pleasing is manipulative; going along with things or saying “yes” when you actually mean “no” is just presenting yourself in a false light. I have been doing this my entire life- avoiding conflict, keeping quiet, and making sure everyone else is comfortable while sitting in my own discomfort. I’m done.

I deserve peace and comfort. I deserve friends who love the real me, and who are real with me. I deserve honesty and to unleash my true feelings, and in reality, anyone you lose from being honest and setting your boundaries is not a loss, it is a blessing. This makes more room for your true friends and support system to come in, and there is no reason to hold onto people who aren’t truly happy for you or manipulate you out of your own boundaries. Now, it is 100% on you to enforce your boundaries, but also it is important to watch who is actively pushing against them and take proper action.

What bothers me or makes me uncomfortable is valid, I will no longer let my mind manipulate me into settling for less than what I deserve. What is mine is mine and I am not required to share everything with anyone; I value my privacy. I deserve to speak my mind and I refuse to build up any resentment or hard feelings when I can just have a conversation. Like Glennon Doyle’s podcast says: “We can do hard things.” I am doing this hard thing this year, because I know it is necessary and will free me in so many ways.