We were never meant to take on the weight of the world, we’re meant to focus on making our own world better and allowing that to pour into the rest of the universe.
It can be hard to watch loved ones struggle and be stressed, but that is when they need love and support more than ever.
“Give, but don’t let it empty you.”
Confirmation bias is real- use it to your advantage.
Boredom means you aren’t in constant chaos; you feeling bored? Congratulations, you’ve found peace.
You don’t have to fix anyone else’s problems, just like they don’t have to solve yours.
I am releasing perfectionism; I no longer hold myself to impossible standards, I just prioritize authenticity.
I am releasing the tension and stress that is stored in my physical body.
I am releasing the negative thoughts and feelings that are keeping me from following my dreams.
I am releasing all attachments that are not genuine or pure; I only have space for people who lift me up and love me in the same way I do for them.
I am releasing any left over resentment and anger that has been sitting in my body and mind.
I am releasing the negative programming and thoughts that I absorbed from others who were projecting their own fears and insecurity onto me.
I am releasing the feeling of needing to prioritize other people’s comfort over my own; I am allowed and encouraged to speak up for myself when I feel uncomfortable.
I release all that no longer serves me, or my higher purpose, and I do so gently and with love.
Today was such an incredible day. My family from Iowa came out to visit and take me and my husband out for my birthday. They also blessed us with a very generous gift, and I’m beyond grateful for them. I feel just so grateful and lucky honestly, and I am just happy to be present to it all.
My husband and I also went over to visit his family at the farmer’s market! They have a barbecue business and they’re a vendor at the market every Friday, so we decided to stop by and say hi! When we were leaving the market, another vendor selling cute jewelry caught my eye, and I ended up getting a cute evil eye bracelet, ring, and a pair of snake earrings! It was 3 for $30 and I just happened to have $30 cash in my wallet!
Tomorrow I get to see some of my good friends as we all get together to celebrate my birthday!! We’re gonna go to the local fair and I can’t wait to get a funnel cake as my birthday cake! I’m not a huge cake fan, but I loooveee me some funnel cake so honestly I’m so excited for this! I’m also just excited to see all the people who make me happy and feel loved- it’s just the best feeling.
I also get to take a mini girls trip early next week to go see Glass Animals in concert and I am looking forward to that as well! I’m just feeling so blessed and happy to be living this life. I’ve healed enough that I am actually able to feel the love around me and truly be happy, and I am so grateful for that.
I went through a whirlwind of a mental health journey, and I’m still forever learning and evolving (as we all are)
I feel like so much abundance is on the horizon
Like I’m shedding these layers of programming
My inner critic is shrinking
My inner child is happy and growing
My inner compass is aligned
My inner knowing is strong
I always had the strength – I survived through everything in the last 3 decades
I survived when I was too young to know how to- my brain / amygdala knew how to though
I lived a lot of my life in survival mode, and within the last couple years I have finally been able to feel present- I’ve cried tears of joy over just being.
Just being.
And it’s crazy to think that maybe that’s the them of 30s… just being.
I’ve been struggling a bit lately, and as wild as it may sound, I feel like mercury retrograde has something to do with it. When mercury is in retrograde, the past is brought back up. Whether it’s people from old relationships showing up, old wounds being reactivated, or really anything that is making you feel like “I’ve been here before,” the past is making its way back.
The ideal way to handle mercury retrograde (in my opinion) is to now handle these situations with more wisdom and patience than you had before. In a sense, we want to be able to navigate these circumstances from a higher awareness- a Higher Self. If we’re constantly distracting ourselves from feeling and dealing with these issues, then they will continue to repeat in different areas of our lives.
This time around, I’ve been in a bit of a shame spiral. I’ve been eating horribly lately, and I am actively not doing anything about it. I am thinking about food in an unhealthy way again, yet I don’t even feel worthy of changing to live a heather lifestyle. I feel like I actively sabotage any goal I have for myself (i.e. eating healthy, starting a podcast, writing a book), and I can’t tell if it’s just because I am a lazy POS or I genuinely don’t think I deserve anything of these things.
I have not been giving myself grace lately, and I know that I’m in a bad headspace when I am having such rigid, black and white thinking. I am very “all or nothing” right now, leaning heavy into the nothing part of it. I know that I still have issues with self trust, which stems from growing up in an alcoholic home, but it’s just annoying that I am literally avoiding the things that I could do to build self trust, because I’m scared of becoming obsessive or letting my perfectionism take over.
I had a little conversation with ChatGPT today, which actually kind of helped me just feel more validated in how I have been feeling. I asked it: “How do adult children of alcoholics who grew up as only children of alcoholics learn self worth and self trust?” and it really helped lay out some tools and steps for what to practice. I then ended up asking it: “What if the adult child feels that whenever they do start a routine or working towards self trust that they become obsessed and they fall into perfectionism?” and this is what came up:
I honestly didn’t even have this ah-ha moment until now- my black and white was never really “me”- it was a response to growing up in that extreme environment. It did feel like it was either good/bad or safe/dangerous often, and I also didn’t have any sibling to validate my feelings with- I internalized it all. I live with this in me, but it does not have to define me. I am always healing, and the more I understand how my brain operates, the more grace I give myself which makes room for more love and growth.
Deep down I know these heavy feelings I have right now are temporary and I will feel better again; I do feel it is important for me to actually pay attention to what’s coming up and try to feel and heal through it all. I am enough exactly as I am. We’re all complex humans with different life experiences, and we all could use a little more grace. We’re all here on earth for the first time (that we know of), and we’re all just trying to navigate our way through this chaotic, unpredictable life. Sometimes we’re in survival mode, other times we’re living and thriving, but regardless, we’re always evolving.
Time to check in and count some blessings. Life’s been feeling heavy lately, and I am ready to release this energy and allow good vibes to flow. I know there is so much beauty beyond the pain when we are present enough to see it.
I am grateful for my husband- I’m blessed to have someone in my life who is such a supportive, caring person; truly my rock. I feel like I have a teammate in this lifetime, and I am so happy to see our evolution throughout the years. He makes me feel beautiful every day, and I just feel so lucky to have him in my life.
I am grateful that we both have our jobs. We’re blessed to have jobs that allow us to live our life comfortably, and we’re blessed to not hate our jobs as well. I’m very grateful to be at my current job, and honestly I can’t see myself leaving unless I actually get to be a stay at home mom one day. My husband has climbed up through departments at his job over the last ten years, and I’m just so proud of all of his growth.
I’m grateful for our home. We everything we could ever need in our home. From food and clean water, to appliances and electricity- we’re blessed to have access to all of these things and to be able to afford them.
I’m grateful for my genuine friends. I am blessed to have friends who truly love and support me for who I am. I have friends who don’t see me as competition or anything other than a loved one, and that’s how I see them as well. We all just want to see each other thriving and happy.
I am grateful for sunshine and nature. Sitting in the grass and just being still while soaking up the sun has been a way for me to ground myself and kind of let go. I’ve done this a few times during my current grieving, and I will say it feels good to just sit in it all. Being in nature just reminds me of how small we all are in this world, and how blessed we are to just be here.
More than honorable mentions: my cats, iced coffee, music, my car, slippers, yoga pants, my comfy bed, shampoo, youtube… there are truly so many things I could list, and for that I am also grateful. I live an incredible, abundant life, and although it feels heavy and dark at times, I know how lucky I am, and I know how important it is to check in and count our blessings.
This new moon, I’m setting the intention of being less in the mindset of “all or nothing.” This comes into play a lot in my life whenever I am trying to reach a new goal or start a new project, and I know it stems from the perfectionism. This mindset has hurt me in the past when it comes to dieting, as well as healing and even starting my podcast.
When I was doing the Ketogenic diet to lose weight years ago, I was all the way in. I ate all the protein I needed, I made sure to never go over 20 net carbs a day, and when I did, I punished myself for it. I’d mentally beat the shit out of myself for going over as if that would change my entire progress. Even if it did, which it did not, I never deserved to treat myself the way I did. That was way more unhealthy than if I had eaten 20 more carbs!
When it comes to my healing journey, along the way I have found that there is so much to heal from, and I was starting to look at myself as this never-ending project. I was just a human full of issues and problems that would never be fully solved, so I either had to try harder or give up entirely- that is literally NOT the solution. I can be aware and mindful in my life, and the only way to truly grow and evolve is to keep living and just keep checking back in with yourself. I am not a project that needs consistent tweaking and fixing- I am an evolving human.
As far as the podcast that I’ve started behind the scenes, I find myself completely delaying and avoiding it, because I care a lot about it. I know that I want it to be good, but I also am actively fighting against my perfectionism while recording, because I already decided to not edit ANY of it. I ultimately decided that because I know that I will edit and edit and edit until there is nothing left, when my real intention with this podcast is to be raw and real. I can be raw and real at anytime, so I can truly record at anytime- but I get on the mindset of “all or nothing.”
I’m not pouring all of my effort and trying to make this the best (which also applies to everything in my life) my mind then goes: “well, then I shouldn’t do anything at all”- but that is my anxiety and perfectionism taking over. I know in my heart and soul that the black and white thinking is not how we’re meant to be in this world; it’s truly all gray. We’re allowed to be creative and flexible- in fact, it’s encouraged over being rigid.
I am releasing these rigid thoughts and feelings, and I am tuning into the creative flow of life. I welcome all love, abundance, and happiness to flow into my life, and may I be present enough to feel it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ✨
Today I wrote out the draft for episode one of my podcast. The goal is to record it sometime this weekend. They always say that you just have to start- so I am starting now.
finding light in the dark 