mental health blog

Focus

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Today is a relaxing day, and I am enjoying some time alone while my fiancé plays his VR. I decided to do a card pull from Gabby Bernstein’s “The Universe Has Your Back” deck. Before I pulled the first card, I asked the universe to “show me what I need to know.” When I pulled the card, one I have pulled recently, I actually giggled.

After reading “The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need,” I immediately took that as a sign to just surrender and release expectations for the next pull. Normally I don’t even pull two cards, but I knew this time I was meant to. The second pull, also a familiar card to me, read: “I’m unapologetic about what I desire and trust that what I focus on will grow.” That was the card I needed.

I find myself not allowing myself to fall deeply into my desires out of fear of them not being able to be fulfilled. I don’t want to feel disappointed or upset when things don’t go as planned, but I also have to give myself credit where it’s due. I have been able to let go of control a lot more this year as I lean into my faith in the universe. I focus on being present in my life, which has brought so much peace and happiness, and I know that in the present is where I belong.

I feel so lucky to be where I am today. Years ago I dreamt about these peaceful days of hanging out with the love of my life in our beautiful home. I dreamt of the days where I didn’t have constant panic attacks or angry explosions. I dreamt of being able to just relax and do nothing without feeling guilty or unworthy of love. These are the very best days, and I know that I will have even better days ahead, but for now I am so grateful to be where I am.

Full Moon Thursday

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Normally I am feeling pretty good on the full moon, but today’s PMS is making me so crabby. I left to work without deodorant on and was literally so hot and sweaty this morning, so I had to stop at the store on the way. Then of course I was late to work- luckily I am at a place where they are understanding, but it still had me stressed. Then at work a bird kept flying into the window and when I went outside to see how the paper/poster-board we were putting up looked, I ripped my scrub pants pocket on the door on my way back in.

I ended up canceling plans w my friend because I know my energy is off and heavy and I am not trying to put it on anyone else, so I am excited to just spend time with myself after work. I know these are all minuscule things that won’t matter tomorrow, so I am not trying to sit and ruminate on it all, but I did want to get it out so now I can work on switching to gratitude.

Luckily, when my pant pocket ripped, it was in a way where no one can see my underwear. When I forgot deodorant, at least I am blessed enough that I could stop on my way to work to get a new one. When I was late, again I at least have bosses who are understanding. I had left work early yesterday due to nausea, and they were kind about that as well. I got to work safely, I have an understanding friend, I have access to things to help me with my PMS, and overall it is not a bad day.

Wednesday Morning

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I’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.

I am grateful for rest and good sleep.

I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.

I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.

I am grateful for our home and our love.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this beautiful life.

Monday Monday Monday

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Today I am tired, but that’s because it’s cloudy out and my weekend was full of fun and good company! My mom and I went shopping and found her an outfit to wear to my wedding, and it was actually the first thing she tried on! She got some cute, flows pants which are perfect for the beach and then a solid cream top! We also found earrings for me to wear and some cute clothes for vacation!

My fiancé and I went to a brewery with this best friend this weekend which was also nice. We had good beer, ordered some yummy pizza from the place next door and just got to enjoy the outdoors! His friend’s dog was with us and she is so well-behaved, but she is also a great guard dog. There were a couple of people stumbling around near us (cops were already nearby trying to handle them), and immediately she was on guard and ready to let them know that they weren’t to come near us.

Yesterday was a more productive day just spent with my fiancé! We got some cleaning done and picked up our groceries as well, and then I cleaned up and re-twisted his dreads at the end of the day! I love days where we just get to spend time together and get ourselves all set for the week.

This week leads up to a long weekend and if weather permits, we will be going on our friend’s boat on Saturday! If weather does not permit, I’ll likely just do more purging around the house and get a schedule together for myself for the week ahead! During the week I have a nail appt and a dinner date with a friend, so those will be nice little self care things to get me through the week!

My lunch break here is almost done so I’m gonna enjoy my yogurt and get back to it! I hope everyone has a great week ahead ✨

Rest Day

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It’s a gorgeous day outside, and I am currently sitting in my papasan chair with my cat laying on my torso. I went on a walk this morning which was very refreshing and peaceful. Once I got back home, my fiancé and I went on a scenic drive out to grab some lunch and we treated ourselves to the new summer berry lemonade refreshers from Starbucks.

I decided to read a little while he is playing VR and after a chapter with Mushu purring on me I was quickly falling into a nap. Today is a day to rest and really soak up the love around me. I am so grateful for this life, and I’m happy to be present in these beautiful moments.

Freedom is Peace

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What does freedom mean to you?

Freedom means feeling at ease physically, spiritually, and mentally. Freedom is not worrying about how situations will play out or how long it’ll take to reach your dreams, it’s trusting that all is happening for you and in the best timing that is possible. Freedom is waking up without your heart racing in a panic, but instead you have a deep feeling at peace and are ready to go with the flow of the day. Freedom is not giving a f*ck what other people think of you, because after years of healing and diving into the depths of your soul, you know exactly who you are and you know you can trust yourself. Freedom is peace.

2:22 on the clock

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The angel number of “alignment” is on the clock as I start this, and today I am feeling it so much. I have been at my current job since the beginning of the year, so just over 4 months, and I have been enjoying it! I still do dental billing, just at a new office and I am so amazed at how great the doctors/owners are with being transparent and appreciative. I have been told multiple times that I am doing a great job and they’re so happy with me, and this is something I never heard from other employers other than that their required yearly reviews.

Well today the doctor who I work with the most pulled me into her office today and again gave me great feedback on how I’m doing, and then she proceeded to say: “We want to give you a $2 raise.” My jaw dropped. I literally felt myself getting emotional and my body felt so light but also weird. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate her and the other doctors being so open and supportive, and I told her that I’ve never worked anywhere like this and how grateful I am to be there.

I am just feeling so supported and loved this year. I’m blessed that I always feel that from friends and family, but to finally also have a job where I feel appreciated is honestly incredible. I work full time 40 hours a week I am at this office, and for a lot of my life those 40 hours were at incredibly toxic work environments.

I worked in places where the boss would talk shit about other employees right to you, which only has you wondering what they say about you when you’re gone. I worked where you are constantly getting more and more work dumped on you, but no compensation to go with it. I’ve also worked places where you’re told to do something but once you do it they are mad and said they never told you to do that.

I think part of me always chose to stay in these chaotic workplaces because I was used to that type of environment in my childhood. Since I no longer had those issues in my home life, part of me would still seek out toxicity so I’d just find it in abusive work environments. In reality, I want peace in and all around me, and I’m finally at a place where I can allow peace and rest to be a priority. Now that I have a job where I am not constantly on eggshells, I finally feel free enough to speak up and discuss any concerns I have without fear of retaliation.

I feel so grateful for this job, and for this life. I feel even more grateful that I am able to be present to it all.

New Moon in Taurus: A Love Letter To Myself.

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It’s been amazing to watch you grow into the woman you are today. A woman who is no longer afraid of her emotions. Once upon a time you wanted to completely rid herself of them, and with just a few months of Zoloft that goal was achieved. It didn’t take long for you to recognize how lost you were without them, without your powers.

The sensitivity you have to others and to the world around you is a gift when you learn how to use it, and it’s amazing to see you catching on. I see you allowing yourself to feel that childlike joy and also allowing yourself to feel the anger that you’ve been shoving away for too long. Far too long. See how the world has shifted now that you accept and embrace these feelings? No wonder you want to share this with the world.

You care so deeply for others, for humanity as a whole actually. You’ve seen and felt what pain and trauma does to one’s mental health and well being, which makes it easy to have empathy for those who are struggling. You know what it’s like to not be able to feel the true love and joys around you, and now that you can feel them, you want everyone else to be able to feel them too.

You used to let this empathy consume you; losing yourself in everyone else’s worries that they all endlessly dumped on you. You absorbed the anxieties they had and abandoned yourself for too long, completely losing track of what was yours and what wasn’t. You did all of this while trying to keep up a perfect appearance to literally everyone around you- never releasing your own problems or feelings, because they all had enough to worry about.

You always felt like a burden, which is why you made sure to always put everyone else’s happiness before your own. If other people were happy, then there was less likely to be any conflict, thus giving a feeling of safety. You were in survival mode for most of your childhood and early 20s, and I am proud of the transformation you have made through your healing journey.

You allow yourself to rest without shaming yourself about it; instead you now realize it is necessary to recharge your own battery. You are present in your life, making new memories and taking time to enjoy the time with loved ones. You no longer talk about yourself negatively, but instead with the same empathy and grace you’ve always given to others. You have recognized the importance of speaking up and being authentic, and you openly and kindly share your thoughts and opinions with those who you’re close to. You prioritize spending your time and energy with the right people, and you aren’t afraid to say “no.”

You have grown so much throughout the years, and I am so proud of who you are. You deserve peace and love, and you have it all around you and within you. You are a magical woman with a strong intuition, and you’re a magnet for miracles. I love you so much, and I’m so happy to finally be here with you in this beautiful and crazy world. I am here. I am home.

Free Writing, Free Thoughts. 4-28-24

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I am proud of myself for being able to speak about my opinions while still having empathy, and I have had this ability all along. I’ve kept quiet, keeping my true thoughts to myself in times where it was actually appropriate to share them all in fear of hurting another person. Having a different opinion or thought may be offensive or triggering for some, but that is not to be feared, that is to be expected and even celebrated.

If you think about it, now you have an opportunity to learn about this new perspective that has you bothered- meaning now you can learn where this belief may stem from. If you are very set in your belief and opinion, now you get to move forward with these relationships knowing how the other person feels and you get to decide if that is something you can deal with. If I completely disagree with someone’s morals or learn something that changes my view of them, I am allowed to express my concern and/or distance myself. Just as they are allowed to do the same once they know my opinion as well!

It is not a loss when someone leaves after you are open and authentic; instead you now have more room for the real connections that you’re going to make in your life. The authentic and genuine connections only come from you being authentic and genuine. Whatever it is you’re seeking, make sure you’re embodying that in your own life. You are not required to share everything with everyone, and the more you’re open to having conversations, the more you learn to practice discernment. Not everyone is entitled to know every detail of your life, you do not need to share anything that you don’t want to.

The more time you spend with yourself, the more you learn about yourself- but the more you spend connecting with others, the more you learn from others and gain new perspectives. Balance is important. Being in tune with your gut is important. Be still, be brave, and be authentic.

777 – Lucky

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I’ve been seeing 777 so often lately. I even took a snapchat video for myself a couple weeks ago when I saw CJ 777 on a license plate after seeing a car with CJ on license plate and an “easy money” sticker on back of the car. CJ are mine and my fiancés first initials, so I always see that as a sign for us.

Today I decided to take old scratch offs that had a total of $7 of winnings to the gas station & see use it to play back into it. One of the tickets was so old it actually expired, so I only had $2 to play with. I ended up getting two $1 games called 7-11-21 (the number of this card was 34 and immediately in my head I’m like 3+4 = 7), so I end up playing. One didn’t win anything, but the other one won $15!!

I was so excited and so I’m like “I’m gonna play this back in and get 3 of the $5 Lucky Seven scratch offs. At this point my fiancé sarcastically says: “you have a gambling problem.” Mind you, we literally never get scratch offs or play the lottery or go to casinos. So I reply with “no I don’t, this is free money from my Grandma and I am playing on sevens right now! I keep seeing 777 everywhere!” So I go in and do as planned and we go off to have breakfast and stop at the store.

We come home and we’re scratching off the tickets and none of them won any of the actual game, but there was a bonus where if you matched two symbols in the bonus, you won the prize shown. I go to scratch my last bonus and see two symbols- both are grapes!! I start scratching the bonus and the prize revealed that we won $77!! I was like “$77 on sevens!!!! yaaassssss!!!”

My fiancé literally just looks at me and he’s like “okay, that’s wild.” (he normally thinks i’m delusional when it comes to my signs from the universe). I felt so aligned and connected and overall just happy!! I am gonna go cash that in tomorrow and keep it for my next nail appt LOL!

It’s so crazy because just over a week ago I was feeling like some sort of abundance was on its way, and I am feeling so happy and just in tune. I am grateful to be her and present for these beautiful moments. I am feeling so divinely protected and guided, and for that I am so thankful.