life

Chill Sunday- Reflecting

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I am so glad to be spending today at home with my love. I am finally getting over this virus, but unfortunately he has the beginning symptoms of it now. I keep encouraging vitamins and hydration, and today’s important task of rest. Although I will say it definitely is a beautiful day outside, and it wouldn’t hurt to go out and get some fresh air. Vitamin D is a necessity anyways, and I always feel better after a nice walk in nature. Next weekend I am going on a mini vacation and I am super excited to hang with my good friend! We are going to a concert and going to do some shopping, and I am happy that I will be feeling 100% by then!

I keep finding myself feeling upset about the fact that I haven’t been feeing 100% really much this year. I feel like I am either in some sort of pain or I am battling with an illness or allergies, and it has had me feeling pretty down considering I keep wanting to get into a good gym routine and work on my health. To be fair, these ailments have been requiring me to rest and to focus on my health, so I guess that’s what they mean when they say “be careful what you wish for” LOL! I will say I am appreciating the lesson of needing to rest, and I as I said last post I have seen progress in myself as far as not being so hard on myself about falling behind on certain chores. The tasks will always be there, but those aren’t what I want my focus to be on. Yes, I still will be responsible and maintain a decent home, however I refuse to punish myself and make myself avoid pleasure until all chores are done, as that is not how I want to live.

I always tell my boyfriend that once we are married and have children, I don’t want to be so focused on the house being a mess or the laundry needing to be done, but instead on enjoying time with our kids. We only have so much time in this life, why would I want to rob myself of precious moments with my babies to be angry about house chores? I feel like I am learning important lessons now that I will be able to apply to my future self, and I am happy to be present to it. I know that thinking about my future may seem like I am not being present, but I truly feel the difference between when I used to fixate on my future life vs. having these brief, fleeting thoughts about it.

My focuses for now are on regulating my nervous system and focusing on inner peace. Having inner peace is something that I do have, but I want to become more emotionally mature and make it so that no one can ever take that peace away from me. I often get agitated by others and find myself easily annoyed, and that is something I am continuing to work through. For example, I have been sick, so I have been more irritable than usual, and the other day I felt myself becoming so bothered by what someone next to me was doing. Honestly, it was a dumb reason to be annoyed, and instead of fixating on it and allowing myself to let the anger build, I started talking to myself in my head.

I reminded myself that I am ill and that everything feels amplified in that moment, and that what other people do does not have an effect on my life. I sat and told myself that all I can do is what I am supposed to do in the way that I want to, and just as I wouldn’t want others to tell me how to do it, I have no business to comment on what someone else is doing. I do not know what is best for anyone, nor do I need to know; my focus is on myself and how I am handling situations in life. Even if I have shared stories and information with others to help them understand me and my situation, they still have never walked in my shoes or lived through my traumas the way I did, therefore they do not know what is best for me or my life.

Now let’s flip that that the other way around: just because someone has told me about their traumas and stories does not mean I know how they felt or truly understand the impact it had on them or in what ways. It is not my place to ever tell someone how to live their life. However, that does not mean I am not allowed to share my opinion from my own point of view, but it is important to me that I am mindful of other people’s feelings. I also feel that minding my own business tends to be an easier, less emotional approach, although I am trying to practice the art of listening to others’ traumas without taking them on. I have felt a huge difference in this over the past couple of years, and I am extremely grateful for that. A quote that someone I know likes to live by is “be connected to everything, but attached to nothing,” and I feel that completely.

I love human connection and seeing how similar we all truly are, but I cannot become attached to others based on having comparable walks of life. This is how trauma-bonds start forming and it can be a toxic situation to be in. I don’t want to attach myself to anything, as everything is temporary-whether we are talking about feelings or people, nothing is forever. This doesn’t mean I don’t love the people around me or that I don’t seek connection in conversation, it just means that I won’t allow an attachment to distract me from my path. I used to let other people’s problems weigh me down and become my focus, which in turn allowed me to abandon myself and become lost. I didn’t know what I was feeling was my own, or if I was letting others have an influence on me, and ultimately that was to my own demise.

I have come quite far on my self-love journey, and I can see why people say you cannot love someone else until you love yourself. I still disagree in some ways, because I know that I fell in love with my boyfriend at 16 years old and we have spent the last 11+ years growing together and continuing to build this love. However, I also am very blessed to have a partner who has been both patient and respectful throughout the entire relationship. I know that I got lucky, and if I had dated someone who had more malicious intentions or narcissistic tendencies, that I would have easily fallen into a toxic, likely anxious attachment style. I was fortunate enough to be able to have someone who has been supportive, and even encouraging of my healing, and I think that connection has assisted in my progress. However, I also know that I am the one is putting in the hard work, and I am the one who can get myself through anything in life. I am connecting to my inner peace and my healing, and detaching from the outside noise; I am dedicated to being my best self, for myself.

Rest

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There is this quote I have read before goes something like “if you do not make time to rest, your body will do it for you,” and boy did my body do that. I haven’t been at work the past two days because I have been battling a nasty virus. I was so happy to wake up without a headache today, because yesterday I had probably the worst headache of my life. I spent most of yesterday maneuvering an ice pack around my head in different positions because the pain was literally everywhere, including my neck. When I wasn’t trying to numb away the pain, I was napping to escape it. I definitely got a lot of sleep yesterday, which my body desperately needed. Today I still have an annoying cough and quite a bit of phlegm, but I am feeling a lot better now that I no longer have a migraine. I am taking the Mucinex and Flonase as immediate care recommended to me, and I am continuing to rest and hydrate.

I am honestly proud of myself for not feeling guilty about being home and taking care of myself, because that is almost always how I am. I usually get so stressed out when I am sick and I start worrying about falling behind on work and chores, but this time I truly listened to my body and let myself rest. I feel like this allowed me to heal quicker, and I am planning to go back to work tomorrow. As I had written before, I had a pretty busy weekend full of lots of events and people, and in the future I likely won’t jam pack my weekends like that again. I am a sensitive person and I often need some time to recoup from being around people and in public, and I will keep that in mind moving forward.

In the meantime, I am going to take the rest of today to rest and focus on gratitude. I feel so blessed to have my boyfriend to take care of me and things around the house while I am sick. I am also quite thankful that tissues and Aquaphor exists LOL. I am grateful to have access to over-the-counter medicines to help me, and most of all the fact that we have clean water to drink. As much as I don’t feel 100% like myself, I still want to take time to recognize all of the wonderful gifts around me, and I never want to take the present moment for granted.

Happy and Tired

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This weekend has been full of fun events and seeing friends, and honestly I feel like a little kid again except the part where kids have endless amounts of energy and I am feeling wiped the fuck out LOL. On Friday it was my friend’s birthday and we all went to the roller rink and then bowling! We are all definitely nearing thirty, but with the amount of joy and laughter that came from this, you’d think we were all teenagers again. Strapping up those dirty, painful plastic blades brought me back to a place in the body where nothing mattered at all, except rolling around that rink. I got right back in the rink as if I never left! Also, when it came to bowling, I ended up playing pretty well! Honestly I normally suck when I go bowling, but I ended up getting multiple strikes! Maybe it was the good ass food that arrived, or maybe it was the overall vibe of the night, but I had a great time.

On Saturday a few of us from the same group went to see an interesting show: we saw America’s greatest mind-reader, Joe Diamond. I’m not going to lie, there was some shit that he did where all of us just looked at each other like “how???” It was definitely an experience and I am glad we went! Before we went I had a super productive day around the house, and I was proud of myself for taking time to be slow and present in the morning, rather than just rushing to get all of the chores done. I ended up being more efficient when I took my time, and I was in a better mood overall!

This morning I met up with my high school bff for some coffee and brunch, and we also got to go around to some cute little shops. I was excited to catch up with her and just enjoy a nice sunny morning after having these terrible winter/ice storms. Unfortunately, I believe this nice weather has contributed to the cough and sore throat that I am now experiencing. On that note, I am exhausted after this weekend and this day, and I am going to get some rest now so I can be ready for the week ahead. Wishing all of you a great week ahead, and a great March as well since February is just about over!

Proud of Me

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I want to take this time to celebrate myself, because I feel like I haven’t taken time to sit and truly reflect on all of the work I have been doing. For over a year, I have been immersing myself in self-help podcasts and books and I have started to make and keep more promises to myself. I have started to take time to prioritize myself by taking time to move my body, even if somedays it is just ten minutes of stretching. I recently started reading a fiction book from an author I used to read all the time; honestly, it feels good to take a break from the self-help books. I am in the middle of a daily challenge that was at the end of the book I just read :”Disease to Please.” I am doing this at my own pace, as some of the challenges I feel require a bit more time, and I am okay with that. I also am better at reminding myself that prioritizing my health and my rest is essential for growth and healing, and that slow progress is still progress- after all, you can’t rush greatness! I am enjoying living slowly and prioritizing my peace, and I find myself being a lot more present in my interactions with friends and with the world around me. There’s something so freeing in slowing down, rather than constantly feeling like I am racing through life to some imaginary finish line.

I have become more self aware, which has been hard and rewarding at the same time. There was something I read in the people-pleasing book I read that really opened my eyes to why I am the way I am. There was a section in the book that was titled: “Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents,” and although it was only one page, it completely blew my mind. Within the page it discussed how children of alcoholic parents try to maintain control by being “good” and doing “nice” things in order to make parents happy and/or keep the peace. It also said the following: “Avoiding disapproval and criticism by keeping a low profile and not drawing parental attention become the safest means of childhood survival in alcoholic families.” After I read this, I immediately thought of how I hate having attention on me. I’ve never wanted a large wedding, I always say that when I have future baby showers I don’t want to open gifts in front of everyone… I have always hated having all eyes on me. This is probably also why I struggle to celebrate myself or share my wins or accomplishments with others. In life I maintain a low profile, and this is to avoid any unwanted attention, and also any unwanted confrontation.

Although I can appreciate the inner parts of me that are trying to protect me from the world, I also recognize how they are hindering me from stepping into my full potential. I don’t want to go through life trying to be invisible and quiet, instead I would like to be able to speak my mind and share my opinions, even if they differ from someone else’s. I am happy to say I have been more vocal when it comes to speaking out when I am bothered, and I am working on getting better at asking for help when I need it and learning about what my needs are. Since I had abandoned myself for so long, I realized that I don’t even know what I want/need from the relationships in my life outside of mine and my boyfriend’s. I have been lucky enough to grow with him throughout the years and we continue to learn about each other as we grow, but I haven’t had that same experience with my friendships or family relationships. I often would default to being “nice” and people-pleasing, rather than saying “no” to things and saying how I really felt, and that is something I refuse to do going forward.

Overall, I am proud of myself. I am prioritizing my health, both physical and mental. I am prioritizing my inner peace as I continue to regulate my nervous system. I am checking in with myself and setting my intentions, all while allowing myself to rest and reset. I am giving myself the grace I deserve as I continue to work through hard truths and emotions. I am showing up for me, for the first time in my life, and it feels good keeping these small promises to myself. And I know I can appear selfish or conceited to others on the outside, but what other people think of me is none of my business. The only approval I need is my own, the other person I care to impress is myself, and I will continue to progress and heal.

Sending love and healing to all who need it.

Sunday-Tarot Pull

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Happy Sunday! I want to start off by saying that this past week I have felt kind of “off.” I haven’t felt as positive or easy-going as I have been wanting to feel; instead I have been tired, emotional, and it’s definitely been easier to spiral into self-doubt and negative self-talk than it has been to focus on the good. I still am working on re-wiring my brain, and I know that I need to take time to rest and just let myself be in peace, and maybe that is just what I am meant to do at this time.

Today I am doing a mind, body, soul tarot card pull for myself from the Black Cats Tarot deck that a good friend got me for my birthday last year, and I thought I’d pull them and write about them here today. I have my cards pulled so let’s get started:

Mind- The Fool-The White cat represents freedom and purity, manifesting no fear in its gait: he always walks ahead serenely without every glancing back. No link and no attachment can stop it. He knows that the most profound wisdom means remaining humble before the mystery of Creation.

My Interpretation: Although I have these attachments to my old ways of thinking, or links of the past voices telling me I was stupid, or fat, or not good enough…I know that none of that will impact how beautiful my future will be. I also read the “remaining humble before the mystery of Creation,” as me doing what I am doing now, by being open and vulnerable about my mental health and showing everyone that it is not always positive rainbows and sunshine, and you have to feel to heal. It is human nature to have emotions and to have ups and downs, I am embracing the waves, rather than fighting them.

Body- Three of Wands: Ascent– This card represents a constructive path. Working to attain one’s own objectives. Ambition and talent collaborate harmoniously.

My Interpretation: It makes complete sense for my body/health; I am working on listening to my body and seeing what works best for me when it comes to mindful eating and exercise. I have found myself comparing myself to friends recently, some losing weight, some gaining muscle, and I had to take a step back and realize that I was working against myself in those moments. My goal is to listen to myself and my body and do what feels good to me, not doing what I see other people doing.

Soul- Two of Wands: Discussion- This card represents our inner and outer conflicts. There is never progress without a struggle. It is necessary to act, trying to take into consideration the various aspects of a problem.

My Interpretation: This came full circle for me, and I love love looovvee that it is my “soul” card. It is normal to struggle, and I need to take this time to do just that. Let me sit and heal the inner conflicts, and that will help me with the outside ones. Progress comes from hard work and sometimes taking a step back and inwards is the hardest work to do.

2•12•23 Tarot Pull

Monday Morning

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Starting the week off with some gratitude. First I want to say that my intention for this week is to focus on getting my body more aligned with my mind, as I haven’t been eating the best over the weekend or the last few weeks honestly. I’m starting this morning with some yoga at home and lemon/cucumber water, and I am happy to celebrate even that “small” win!

In which case, I’ll start by saying I’m very grateful for that win this morning and the fact that I am up early enough to be able to stretch and even write up this short blog post! I promised myself I’d get up early, and I did!

I am very grateful for this blog. I started this years ago and I have been better and better about writing it in weekly and I am happy that I started this when I did, and I am excited to keep it going!

I am thankful for my boyfriend, as he truly makes my days better. He always makes me laugh and makes me feel loved, and I admire the mutual respect and support we have for one another.

I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a job that I don’t hate, that has PTO and insurance, and allows me to pay my bills and still be able to enjoy life. I also don’t work weekends which is something I’ve always wanted!

I am grateful for my three beautiful cats! I always grew up with cats and I’m so happy that we have our babies at home who love us and bring us joy. Kitty purrs and cuddles always put me in a better mood.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, such a podcasts, books, great friends, sunrises/sunsets, days with minimal traffic, iced coffee, the fact that my car has heat so I. can be warm on my way to work when it’s only 14 degrees out. I could go on and on, but instead I’m going to get back to some stretching before I go to work.

Have an incredible Monday and great week ahead!

Wednesday Affirmations

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Lunch break means it’s time for some affirmations! Some I have in my phone as reminders, some just will come as I write. Feel free to write some in the comments or let me know if any resonate with you!

All is well.

Everything always works out in my favor.

I am loved, I am safe, I am at peace.

I release all fear and allow the universe to work her magic.

I trust that all will work out how it should.

I am capable of more than I realize, as I am divinely supported.

I am a confident in myself and my abilities.

I trust myself to navigate what life brings me.

I am strong and resilient; I have survived all of my worst days.

I allow the light within me to shine through.

Looking Forward

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As I write this, I am winding down with my boyfriend after a nice weekend spent with my family. We celebrated our Christmas, and I love that we always do this in January after the holidays are over, because it just feels a lot less stressful. We always do a white elephant exchange and this time we had a fun twist on the game which made it more interesting; my boyfriend and I somehow ended up taking several gifts home, so if there was supposed to be a winner, I feel like it was definitely us LOL.

It was nice to spend time with family, and I know we will all spend more time with each other this year! I definitely want to go visit again when it gets warmer out, and every year we also have our annual girls’ trip, but I want to make an effort to see family more this year, as well as my friends. I also want to make sure I am getting outside as much as I can, as I always feel happy after a walk through nature or a few hours at the beach.

I am happy to say that I already have a mini girls’ trip planned in March. I am going to meet up with a couple friends in Minneapolis so we can shop and go to a concert! I have never been to the Mall of America, and I also have never been to a concert in MN so I am looking forward to that! Then sometime late summer another friend and I are planning a trip to celebrate our birthdays! I love traveling, I love new experiences, and I am making sure to prioritize that where I can, while still being mindful with money and our future goals.

Life is all about balance, and I definitely feel like I have spent most of my life falling off of the balance beam. But as I am learning about myself and how my brain functions, I am able to understand myself more and I am slowly unlearning unhealthy patterns and coping mechanisms. Part of healing includes seeking joy and doing things that bring life back to you, and I am going to do that this year without feeling guilty about it. I deserve joy and I deserve grace and non-judgment from myself as I continue to heal and improve my mental health.

I truly believe that 2023 is the year where I bloom. I will breakthrough my self-doubt and self-defeating patterns, and I will do it all with love. I will do it with small acts of kindness, both for myself and others. I will do this by keeping the promises I make to myself. I will do this by forgiving those who have hurt me, and forgiving myself for the judgment I hold towards myself. I will give myself that same grace and empathy that I give to those I love, because I deserve it.

“This Too Shall Pass”

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I survived Monday! And if you’re reading this, that means you did too! Congratulations! I hope you did something for yourself today, because you deserve it! I am happy to report that I woke up today in less pain than I’ve been in all week, and it really wasn’t a bad Monday! Work was productive, getting adjusted and chatting with the chiropractor’s assistant was pleasant, and doing some stretches in the comfort of my living room while listening to Mel Robbins is honestly quite therapeutic.

I just wanted to write for a second, because I was reflecting on my generally good mood today, and it truly is insane how different my mood was when I was in pain. I mean it makes total sense! Not only was I irritable because of the pain I felt and how slowly I had to move when doing literally anything, but I felt myself getting anxious about the house chores piling up, and of course starting the worst case scenarios: “what if I am in this horrific pain forever?” But when I found myself sobbing softly in the kitchen (because a hard sob would hurt too much) my brain did something different. Instead of letting myself go down that dark rabbit hole of guilt and negative self-talk, during the very worst of the pain I found myself saying, out loud too myself: “This is temporary, I am okay.”

I knew the back pain was temporary, because I had this same pain a month prior. I knew that I’d continue to see the chiropractor and actually start wearing the back brace (so maybe I didn’t wear the brace and maybe I skipped out on my therapies…I wonder why the pain started. LOL) and that I could get help myself out of this pain. I knew the pain wasn’t going to be there forever, and that I would feel myself again… so why not apply this to all of life’s hard times?

If I wanted to relive my past, which quite frankly I am actively trying to live in the present so that doesn’t sound very appealing, I would wish that I could have thought this way in so many moments. To be able to remind yourself that heavy emotions are temporary, the physical pain is temporary, the need for more rest is temporary, that stressful job is temporary…that can ease so much of the weight in those hard times. It’s easy for me to spiral into negative thought patterns and turn on the self-loathing soundboard, so to be able to stop the downward spiral with the simple reminder that “this too shall pass” is honestly a game-changer. I know, I know… I’ve heard that phrase a million times over in my twenty-seven years of life, but this is when it clicked for me.

As I move through the week and face challenges as they come (including hormonal ones, because sometimes I think mother nature f*cking hates me), I will continue to remind myself that everything is temporary. I get to choose what I focus on, and I am choosing to focus on my happiness. And no matter how heavy things may feel, I’ll just remind myself that this too shall pass.

Low

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I believe my last post had to do with my back pain, and I am happy to say that I have had much improvement over the week, but I do still have some pain. I went to my chiropractor and got some new x-rays done, and basically I am making progress which is kind of causing the pain. My hips are off-center because of the 10-degree curve in my spine, and as we are making progress on the curve, my hips are realigning. The way he explained it is that the joint in my hip doesn’t want to continue making progress and it is fighting back, but as we continue with adjustments and my therapies that it will continue to get better.

I am excited to get back in the gym and get back to being active, as I’ve been laying pretty low since having this pain. I have been stretching and still running errands and what not as I want to stay moving, but I can’t wait to be back to 100%! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling that way by the end of this week, considering I’ll be seeing my chiropractor Mon-Wed!

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little rough for me not to start getting down on myself or anxious. I hate “falling behind” on house chores and I was also super motivated for this new year and to feel like I’ve been spending most of it in pain makes me upset. I have to make sure I take time to remember all of the beautiful things that have already happened this year.

For example, I got to make vision boards with my best friend! We are going to make this a yearly tradition to make vision boards for the new year, and I am so happy with how mine turned out! I also got to hang out with my childhood bff, and just laughing and chilling with her felt healing in and of itself. We’re excited to hang out more this year, and overall I am very excited for this year ahead.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Portillo’s, which was such a yummy treat. I literally was craving their cheese fries for three days leading up to that lunch date, so to say I was excited was an understatement. After that we traveled out to the Dick’s Warehouse Sale, and after sifting through some very interesting products, we each found a pair of shoes we liked! Once we were home I went to hang out with a friend of mine, and just enjoyed a pretty chill night.

This year hasn’t been bad, I am just learning to live slower and more mindfully. I also feel that this pain has taught me that I need to keep moving and take care of myself, which is something I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t been doing. I deserve to be healthy and enjoy life, and I am the only one who can give myself that. As I continue to heal, I will remember to keep tuning into gratitude and being present. Happy Sunday!

2023 vision board