Fresh Start

Tomorrow I start my new job, and I’m honestly pretty excited. This week I will have a couple days where I’ll have extra time for myself before work and then I’m off on Friday which happens to be my birthday! I’m having a few good friends over on Saturday after work (I’ll work 8-2pm) to celebrate and I’m looking forward to it!

I just ordered some balloons and decorations off of amazon because I just feel like being a little extra this time, I am turning 25 and we haven’t been able to really party at all this year so I want to make it fun! I’m ready to just let loose and celebrate fresh starts with my close friends.

Today has been a nice day spent with the love of my life. We had a personal training session together this morning which was great! We spent the rest of the day just hanging around the house- we even took a nap together. I can already tell this is going to be a great week- I’m willing it into existence now (hopefully LOL). I hope everyone else has a wonderful week!

Monday post

I didn’t post yesterday, but it was an overall decent day. I went to breakfast with my mom, aunt and uncle and went over to meet my aunt’s new kittens! After that I went back home and did an at-home workout and spent most of the rest of the day with my boyfriend.

I start my new job next Monday and I am honestly pretty excited! I will have more mornings to myself which I plan to dedicate to working out and practicing self-care. I will have more time for myself overall and I need to take care of my overall health.

Fresh starts are always a little nerve-wracking, but at least at this time I am not feeling very nervous. I feel relieved knowing I am stepping into an organized environment and it is properly staffed so I shouldn’t have 8 million things on my plate at every given moment. Even if I do, there are set procedures in place and an office manager that has been there for over ten years who should be able to help if I need it.

My last day at my current job is this Thursday, unless of course I get angry and leave sooner. My boss is really pushing me and I know she’s doing it on purpose, but I want to help the other staff as much as I can while I’m still here. She can keep sending me home early and giving me the silent treatment, I only have a couple more days to deal with it anyways.

Glad it’s over

After several months of puking daily, being extremely stressed, and dealing with emotional abuse..I finally put in my two weeks to my boss yesterday. It didn’t go very great, which was expected, but I was a little shocked at how unprofessional she was. However, at the same time this is exactly why I’m leaving.

Quitting this job was a very tough decision for me to make, especially because I am very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes and I know how much I do for the office. But I’ve been throwing up every morning before work for several months, and my anxiety is completely out of control. Whenever I talk to my therapist (which I am super excited to talk to her next Friday) we always talk about how toxic she is and my work environment is and how many hours I spend there. I’ve been so depressed lately and I can’t handle her constant outbursts.

When I gave her my resignation letter I was obviously nervous and I knew she would be upset, but I had to do it and I waited for everyone else to be out of the office. She told me that she wished I would have told her sooner that I was unhappy (even though she knew I was throwing up because we talked about it more than once). She also said I know she’s losing one of her assistants in August and another is going on maternity leave in October and that it’s going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks (which is hard, but I have to do what’s best for my health).

I told her I had no ill intentions, even though she is literally the reason I’m leaving, and she said that she wouldn’t have paid me all that overtime if I didn’t want it and that she’s just “so nice to everyone” and everyone just screws her over. She is clearly delusional because she is NOT a nice person. She has literally yelled at me on multiple occasions for simply doing my job! I was entering insurance checks at 7:30am because the day before I didn’t have time to do it, and she came over asking to see them before I enter them so I started handing them to her and I let her know I set some aside because she recently came out of network with them and she just snaps and yells “I got the mail! Just let me deal with the mail!!” and stormed off.

Anyways, I also told her that I just need to work on myself and she literally said to me “Yeah, you need to work on yourself because you’re going to be your own worst doom.” I already feel that way and know that I am my own worst enemy, and her saying that to me was completely inappropriate. I am leaving in a professional manner, and two weeks is a courtesy! I’ve been there a little over a year and we have literally had eight people come and go, and before I started she literally had a new front desk person every other month for years! Maybe she should look at the common denominator.

At the end she told me to give her my keys and to “forget about Saturday,” because I was supposed to have to work tomorrow (which I’m glad I don’t have to!) and after I got home she text me that I am already at 39.77 hours for the week so not to come in today. And at work she told one of my coworkers that we (her employees) need to learn how to manage our stress. She is the one who takes out all her stress/issues on us and makes us so anxious! I’m not the only one who has thrown up at work because of anxiety! She also told my other coworker that she didn’t understand why I’m leaving because she was never bad to me.

She is clearly not very aware of her actions and how she comes across, or she’s very much in denial, but either way she needs to do some self-reflecting and this is not my issue to deal with. I have my own life and my own health to worry about. Putting in my notice and dealing with her reaction was probably one of the most stressful times in my life, and I am just glad it’s over.

Long weekend with nothing to do

Honestly this weekend is making me a bit upset when I think about how I’m not out having a huge BBQ with friends or family and/or not going to the dells… I just want life to be normal again. I don’t like complaining but I also am very much tired of all of this.

Today I streamed on my Twitch channel because that’s something I decided to start doing. It’s interesting, I am trying to figure out more things to do on the stream so if anyone has suggestions just let me know! I could just be open about my mental health on there… I’m not sure if Twitch is the place for that though LOL.

I also went on a walk which was both great yet terrible. It’s hot and sunny today, which I love, but also it’s like 90% humidity outside and I was dying. I’m so glad to be inside enjoying the AC right now. I’m going to go shower and get ready for my stream at 6:30 because my boyfriend agreed to try to do my makeup which should be fun! I hope everyone’s enjoying their weekend!

Rain

I feel like all it does it rain, even though just yesterday I was out out a walk enjoying the sun. I’ve tried to stay motivated today by doing my makeup, and I ended up face-timing with a good friend of mine for a while today, but right now I just feel drained.

I’m tired of quarantine and everyday feeling like the same day over and over again. I’m upset with myself for not getting into healthy habits such as working out like I had planned to do. I know I still can do those things but I honestly don’t feel like it right now.

I don’t even really feel like writing today. I know I should channel this into creativity, but today’s not that day. At least not right now. I will however attach a photo of myself from today since I did do my makeup and felt at least energetic enough to do that. Hope everyone has a good rest of their Sunday.

Gotta keep going

No matter what, life goes on. Day by day, we are blessed with another morning (until we aren’t) and I am thankful for each day. Today I took a few hours to reorganize a couple spots in the house that really needed it. I also cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes. I always feel better when the house is clean.

I’m thinking about investing in a paddle board for the summer- maybe making it a habit to drive up to Lake Geneva and just find peace on the water. Unfortunately they’re about $450+, but sometimes it’s worth it to spend a bit if it means endless opportunities to get out on the water and escape from reality for a bit.

I kept telling myself that I’d get more fit and exercise more during the quarantine… well I lied to myself. I’m not going to be hard on myself about it because I am working on trying not to “bully” myself. I have had some awesome neck/back pain which has resulted in me doing more yoga so that’s good (kinda)?

Now that the house is nice and clean I’m going to relax and eat something. I think I have a new episode of Insecure to watch so that makes me happy 🙂 I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother’s day.

It’s exhausting in here (my mind)

I’ve been really stressed out lately and in turn I am disappointed and angry at myself for the way I’ve been reacting to certain situations and the mindset I’ve been in. As if being in lockdown isn’t stressful enough, I am still stressed at work; then I feel like I can’t/shouldn’t even complain about it because I am also blessed to be working and should be thankful that I can still pay my bills (and I very much am).

Work is stressful because everyone is on edge as it is, and my boss keeps leaving to Hawaii because she can’t see patients during this time. I am trying to get the office cleaned up, however I also need certain things from her and she keeps getting mad about certain things, which some are justified, but also were outside of my control considering there are issues from years ago when I was not working there. I also feel like us communicating mainly via text might be throwing me off a bit because you can’t read tone through text and I may be taking things the wrong way.

As I’ve explained before, I am very critical of myself. Even if someone thinks I am doing a great job, I still will find a way to feel like I’m failing, rather than talking myself up and reminding myself of how far I’ve come considering the situation I’m in. Things may not even be as bad as I think they are, but I always seem to find a way to worry about everything and doubt myself. I need to get out of this mindset, and when my therapist and I talked on Friday she said I need to pay attention to how much I am bullying myself- so good thing I’m jotting this down.

I keep worrying that even if I were to leave this job (which I am not about to do, especially in the current state or the world), that no matter where I go I will get into this cycle of being a perfectionist and people-pleaser and will always end up feeling like I failed in some way. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, and this is when I get mad at myself. Why do I keep being so negative? Why can’t I just care less and stop worrying and focus on the good things? Why do I have to have this same conversation in my head over and over and over again?

Maybe one day it’ll end- until then I will continue this exhausting cycle in my head.

Hyper

I haven’t talked to my therapist in quite a while- I am finally doing a teletherapy session with her this upcoming Friday. I haven’t been writing things down and I have to start, but there was something I wrote down earlier today and I was wanted to think about it a little more on my own.

A few years ago I saw a therapist that was really nice but I didn’t feel like she was helping me- but now I’m wondering if she was just trying to figure me out. She kept making me take these ADHD quiz/test things and she kept thinking I had it but also knew I didn’t because I didn’t have the “attention deficit” part, just the hyperactive part.

Now my current therapist had mentioned the hypomania but we haven’t really dove into that yet; however I feel that I am ready to dive in myself. Like I had mentioned before, one of my childhood friends has recently mention on a FaceTime call that I have always been hyper and “crazy” (I’m not offended, she gets me). Mind you, we weren’t even talking about mental health at all, we were just reminiscing about easier times.

If I have hypomania, I am unsure exactly what medication I will need to be on, if any! I feel like I’m going to have to do a lot of cognitive work and make sure to pay attention to my triggers. I know I’ve always been hyper, and I also know I could do better at managing my anger. I feel like this weeks therapy session will be productive, at least I hope it is!

Sunny Sunday

I will always be grateful when the sun is shining- today the sun was shining all day and it was 60 degrees out! I went on a walk, talked to my mom and one of my good friends… nothing too terribly interesting, but also very much enjoyed every activity I did today.

Lately the boyfriend and I have been able to pay off some bills of ours and thanks to the stimulus check we were able to pay a good chunk of cash towards a loan we took out for our miata. Since were both blessed to still be working we want to use any extra money we get to pay off our debts.

I’ve been doing decluttering around the house. This weekend I tackled the whole bathroom closet, the baker’s rack, and purged the pantries/fridge of things that had expired. It feels great getting rid of things that aren’t needed and creating a more organized space.

Yesterday and today I decided to play around with my makeup a bit since I got a new palette from E.L.F. (highly recommend- affordable and impressive product). It’s fun learning how to do eye shadow and contour, and it also forces me to wash my face every night, which I struggle at for some reason.

Taking this time to catch up on bills and cleaning up the house is really satisfying. I feel like I’m successfully adulting, and I can’t wait until I can reward myself with a trip to the nail salon (or a trip to Hawaii… whatever works)!

Easter Sunday

I remember loving Easter as a kid. I’d have Easter at home with my parents and I’d look around the apartment for my eggs and basket. After that we’d always go over to my Grandparents house and my cousins were usually in town so we could all search for our eggs and baskets together.

I’m sure Easter will be fun again once I have kids of my own. Neither my boyfriend nor I are religious, but I was raised Christian and I did go to church when I was younger, but I never remember doing any Easter mass or anything. I’ll make sure my children do understand the holiday and the meaning behind it- I’m sure then they’ll start asking why there’s a big bunny involved LOL.

Today I am feeling a little restless. I think it’s because we’re supposed to go do a birthday parade for my boyfriend’s grandfather, but we don’t have a set time yet and that’s really making me anxious. I already hate that we just found out about this yesterday, but I’m even more irritable today because it’s already 11am and we still have no clue when this is happening. I’m trying to go with the flow of things but it’s just not always easy for me.

I also haven’t taken my medication yet this morning which probably has a little to do with the irritability. Now that I’m strictly on an anxiety medication (rather than with the anti-depressant), I definitely notice my short temper returning. I’m somewhat upset about it, but also I think it’s a good thing because this has always been a part of me and I need to embrace it to be able to work through it.

I will say that I notice when the dose or this one wears off; not right away, but usually I find that I’m being angry or irrational for no reason, and then I remember to take the second dose. I need to put an alarm in my phone for it because I’m used to only taking a pill in the morning, so taking another dose later is hard for me to get used to and remember.

It’s nice and sunny out so I’m gonna go on a walk while my boyfriend goes to his personal training session. My best friend is going to Facetime me after my walk so we can chat and check in with each other during this weird time- I can’t wait for us to be able to go grab a coffee and just walk through the city again. Until then, we will make the best of the current situation.