depression

Hyper

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I haven’t talked to my therapist in quite a while- I am finally doing a teletherapy session with her this upcoming Friday. I haven’t been writing things down and I have to start, but there was something I wrote down earlier today and I was wanted to think about it a little more on my own.

A few years ago I saw a therapist that was really nice but I didn’t feel like she was helping me- but now I’m wondering if she was just trying to figure me out. She kept making me take these ADHD quiz/test things and she kept thinking I had it but also knew I didn’t because I didn’t have the “attention deficit” part, just the hyperactive part.

Now my current therapist had mentioned the hypomania but we haven’t really dove into that yet; however I feel that I am ready to dive in myself. Like I had mentioned before, one of my childhood friends has recently mention on a FaceTime call that I have always been hyper and “crazy” (I’m not offended, she gets me). Mind you, we weren’t even talking about mental health at all, we were just reminiscing about easier times.

If I have hypomania, I am unsure exactly what medication I will need to be on, if any! I feel like I’m going to have to do a lot of cognitive work and make sure to pay attention to my triggers. I know I’ve always been hyper, and I also know I could do better at managing my anger. I feel like this weeks therapy session will be productive, at least I hope it is!

Sunny Sunday

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I will always be grateful when the sun is shining- today the sun was shining all day and it was 60 degrees out! I went on a walk, talked to my mom and one of my good friends… nothing too terribly interesting, but also very much enjoyed every activity I did today.

Lately the boyfriend and I have been able to pay off some bills of ours and thanks to the stimulus check we were able to pay a good chunk of cash towards a loan we took out for our miata. Since were both blessed to still be working we want to use any extra money we get to pay off our debts.

I’ve been doing decluttering around the house. This weekend I tackled the whole bathroom closet, the baker’s rack, and purged the pantries/fridge of things that had expired. It feels great getting rid of things that aren’t needed and creating a more organized space.

Yesterday and today I decided to play around with my makeup a bit since I got a new palette from E.L.F. (highly recommend- affordable and impressive product). It’s fun learning how to do eye shadow and contour, and it also forces me to wash my face every night, which I struggle at for some reason.

Taking this time to catch up on bills and cleaning up the house is really satisfying. I feel like I’m successfully adulting, and I can’t wait until I can reward myself with a trip to the nail salon (or a trip to Hawaii… whatever works)!

“Untitled”

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Trying not to get sucked into the negativity with everything that’s going on right now is just about impossible… but I’m really trying to practice self care during this time (which is why I’m writing this right now). I could definitely do better at eating healthy, but I am happy that I’ve been doing at-home workouts and I’ve been taking care of my skin. Working on yourself matters, and it’s important to develop healthy habits.

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate this quarantine shit and how weird everything is right now. I miss being able to just get on the train to the city to visit one of my best friends and just being able to explore the city or go to the arcade bar or do whatever without having to worry about this insane virus. I miss being able to call up an old friend and go meet up for lunch. I just know when this is over, many people will start being more grateful for those things.

What’s even worse is the fact that so many people have lost their jobs during this pandemic, including a lot of my staff. I am lucky to be working right now, and I’m happy that my boyfriend is also working. We have a lot to be thankful for during this time, and I don’t want to take it for granted. We can continue to pay our bills, we can feed ourselves and our cats, and we get to spend more time together! In a way I feel guilty for being able to work all of my hours… but also, I have worked my ass off at this job and I’ve been the most stressed that I’ve ever been, so in a way I have earned this. Now is finally the time that I am catching up and cleaning things up at the office!

I hope people start staying home so we can get though this virus and flatten the curve and go back to normalcy. Remember that we are all in this together, and there are many people that are struggling right now. I have friends who have had to postpone their weddings. A family member of mine just went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to an almost 3lb baby girl, and as if that isn’t scary enough, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! No matter what you’re going through, we just remember we are all living through this coronavirus outbreak together.

People are dying from this virus, and what’s terrifying is that people can not have symptoms and can just be spreading it everywhere without knowing. Social distancing signs areeverywhere, and it surprises me how people act in grocery stores towards each other now (personally, I love social distancing 6+ft apart and think we should always do this); everyone acts like they are scared of the other people.

I will say, it is nice when you make eye contact with someone and they just smile, even in the midst of all this shit, they still gave the effort to smile at a stranger- return the smile and go on and share one with someone else. The little things matter and you never know how you can help someone without even knowing it. It’s kind of a dark time, so let’s try to brighten it up a little bit.

Weird World

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I feel like we’re in an endless episode of black mirror; it feels like we’re in some alternate universe. The stores are more empty than ever before, there’s barely any traffic, and it’s eerily quiet outside. I have so many thoughts but I seem to focus on any of them for more than a few minutes.

Our state just issued a shelter in place that starts at 5pm today. We can still go to grocery stores, work, pharmacies, and gas stations- but other than that many places are closed and we are all to stay inside to prevent the spread of coronavirus. I understand that we don’t want this to spread, and many people are dying from this in other countries, it just really feels like there’s more going on than just the virus.

My dad was always into conspiracy theories, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he may have passed some of that onto me. No, I’m not crazy and I understand that conspiracies aren’t always reality, but sometimes you can’t help but question certain things. I think that there’s something much bigger going on than this virus, and this just happens to be a great way to instill fear in people so we are more willing to give up rights; but I digress.

I decided to work on my woman cave yesterday. I might as well have a space that I love to be in if we have to quarantine for weeks! It honestly will be nice to spend time with my boyfriend and the cats; I feel like it’s good for humanity to take a step back and remember what is truly important in life. I don’t want to just sulk around when all of this is happening- I feel it is important to stay positive and keep looking at the bright side.

Reflections

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We’re driving back from the Dells right now; everyone’s tired and ready for a shower at this point. We honestly had a blast yesterday/last night and I’m surprised that I’m not hungover right now. I probably drank more than I ever have before, and I even was mixing alcohol which is normally a huge no, but apparently 24-year-old me can handle more than 22-year-old me somehow!

Letting loose was fun, especially since I feel like I’m always uptight and anxious lately. Being able to just forget about work and reality for a day always feels like a good reset… especially after a shitty week. On Friday there was so much chaos in the office that I missed our pilates lesson, which of course didn’t help my shitty mood, but luckily I got to see my therapist after work.

I feel like our session was productive, but I’m also a bit frustrated because now I need to go back to my doctor (and I literally just saw one on Wednesday because I have a sinus infection) and start coming off of my current anxiety medication and start a new one. I know it’s the best thing for me right now, I’m just not very patient. I would rather just stop cold turkey and start a new one, but obviously that’s not a great choice and it would most likely make things worse.

We talked about how a lot of my anxiety comes from work and we talked about the work environment and I’m honestly a little worried that this may not be my forever job. I am not giving up, and I don’t plan to leave anytime soon, but I have to think long term and how things are going to go down the line and if there are things that I’m always uncomfortable with that are out of my control, then it may be time to look elsewhere. My therapist said that she had recently read about how sometimes our bodies/selves just cannot adapt to a certain environment. For me, I feel like if I can’t adapt then I have failed, but I also know that’s not the case.

I keep getting aggravated with myself because I don’t understand why I am so hard on myself and why I overthink everything all the time. Well, I guess I kind of do understand why I’m this way just based on my childhood and what my therapist and I have discussed, but I wish I had more control. It sounds stupid, but I don’t feel like I have control over my brain/thoughts most of the time. If I did, I wouldn’t be wasting most of my life worrying about work or death or being late to something or any other thing that takes away from my peace or happiness.

I need to find my peace and learn how to live there. I feel that I’ve just made my boyfriend my “peace” and I need to find peace in myself. I have no issue being alone, and I consider myself to be pretty independent, but I’m also very tense and chaotic all the time that finding any calmness within me seems impossible. I know working out and yoga is good for me and will likely help me when it comes to finding my inner peace, but lately I feel too exhausted to do anything and I choose sleep over most things.

Once it gets warmer, which it should soon, I’ll be able to get outside more and that always makes me feel better. Whether it’s a walk through the park or hiking trails or just going to the neighborhood pool, being outdoors always gives me some sense of inner peace. I’m sure it’s because when I was a child, being outside was my escape from the chaos inside our home. I was always outside with my friends/neighbors climbing trees or riding bikes; life was always better outside.

Busy

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I’ve been staying busy on the weekends, which has its pros and cons. I love seeing my friends and making new memories, but I am usually missing my boyfriend and feeling guilty for being away knowing that he’s going to be gone for basically a month. I know he isn’t bothered by me having plans with other people- I mean he also has other plans and enjoys playing video games without his girlfriend breathing down his neck (LOL)!

Today we both got a good workout in and we ended up going out to lunch and donating a bunch of clothes. I love doing productive things over the weekend; I always feel like I’m successfully adulting when I’m able to declutter and take care of things around the house. Tomorrow he is off of work and I should hopefully be off early(ish) so we’re going to hang up the new curtains that we bought! When we moved in, we said that we wanted to get rid of the blinds and get curtains… literally three years later and we are just now putting up curtains. Better late than never, right?

I need to sign up for another yoga class. I told myself that I would go once a month and we’re already over halfway done with February! I feel like this year is already flying by and it’s honestly stressing me out. I wanted the office that I work for to be in a better place at this point, but I have to remember that I’m just one person and I’m doing the best that I can. I work hard, I do well, and I am only human.

I’m ready for a good week this week- I have a feeling tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend and I are putting curtains up after work, but regardless of the reason I want to try to keep up the positive mindset and carry it through this week! ♡

Circles.

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Life has been rough lately, and music has always been something that helps me through tough times. Mac Miller (RIP ♡) recently had his newest album “Circles” released to the world. Hearing his voice on those tracks after thinking we wouldn’t hear any new music from him has been somewhat surreal. When he passed away it was one of the hardest celebrity deaths for me. I think what made it more difficult was that he had recently released his album “Swimming,” and I had related so much to so many of those songs and wanted to see him perform them live on his upcoming tour. My boyfriend and I were lucky enough to see him live a few years back, at a Lolla after show (definitely one of the best shows we have been to). I’ll never forget his energy in that venue; the love he has for music combined with his insane talent is truly a gift. I’m glad that we were blessed with what is likely to be his last album- and in my opinion, his best one. ♡

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“Well I’m way too young to be getting old.”

“Don’t you put any more stress on yourself, it’s one day at a time.”

“Some people say that want to live forever. That’s way too long, I’ll just get through today.”

“Why can’t it just be easy? Why does everybody need me to stay?”

“I need somebody to save me before I drove myself crazy.”

“I’m busy trippin’ ’bout shit that still ain’t even happened yet.”

“Inside my head is getting pretty cluttered. I’ve tried but can’t clean up this mess I’ve made. Before I start to think about the future, can I just get through a day…”

“Yeah sometimes the going gets so good, but then again it gets pretty rough.”

Malcolm McCormick (Mac Miller.) Circles. Warner Records Inc., 2020.

Merry Christmas

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I hope everyone had a wonderful day. This was my least favorite Christmas ever, and I plan to do it much different next year.

This year my parents and I decided not to do presents, which I was fine with because I need to save money and we’re all adults. My boyfriend and I also decided not to do Christmas presents because we want to invest in a new bed within the next few months. I only got gifts for one friend and her child, which was fun, but I just wish I would have done more.

I always love giving people gifts and I feel like that really helps to keep me in the Christmas spirit. I told my boyfriend that next year I would like to do gifts again, and he said that was fine.

Another thing I want to do next year is get a child or two off of a giving tree or angel tree. Or maybe donate to a local animal shelter. I feel like I should be giving more and I would feel better. I know I don’t have to wait for a certain time of year to do that, it just seems like a good time.

Well, Christmas is over so New Year’s eve is next which I’m looking forward to. I’m ready to say goodbye to 2019 and not look back. Don’t get me wrong, I had some positive changes in myself as well as my career, but overall I just feel that 2019 had a lot of sadness and stress. I just know that 2020 will be much better. ♡