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Social Media

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I got my first social media account when I was 16. I felt so behind compared to all of my friends, because I was just joining the online world of facebook for the first time, while they’ve already had years on myspace. I remember feeling excited to join, add all my friends and post pictures; it quickly became my new favorite hobby.

Being a teenager is hard as it is, so naturally I had a sassy attitude at home, but it seemed to start getting worse once I was using social media regularly. Of course I would ignore my mom when she’d tell me that and I assumed she just wanted to control me and take social media away, but once I was actually grounded from my social media/phone for a week, that is when I noticed she could be right. she had brought up to me how I seemed a lot calmer and happier, which is definitely not how a grounded teen would usually act, but I still wasn’t convinced.

After punishment was up, I was back connecting and posting my statuses with weird ass spelling that I now cringe at. I don’t know when I was allowed to then get my Instagram and Twitter, but the addiction and stress just grew from there. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but now as an adult who still uses and honestly abuses social media now, I have a better understanding of myself.

I get overwhelmed and anxious when I am consuming too much information, and social media is a cesspool for horrifying videos, images, and emotionally charged content. In general, human beings have never consumed so much traumatic information in their lives, and just do a quick google search to see what that is doing to our brains. Even the NCBI lists research to show excessive screen time is causing depression and anxiety… so is it worth it?

For me, I’ve always enjoyed pictures and cute aesthetics, so with that I had decided I could eliminate twitter and facebook. I do still have facebook go on occasionally, but Instagram is the main one I’m still on, and I debate getting off of it entirely every day, because when I take my social media breaks I noticeably feel more at peace. I feel more in tune, less rushed, and overall just happier.

With or without socials, writing has always been my passion, and I am so grateful to have my blog and journals at home so I can still write and share my writing. I’d like to take time to get back into writing for the community I joined and just get back in touch with myself. Thank you for all who take the time to read this post, and let me know if you’ve had similar experiences with social media.

Simple Joy

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Describe one simple thing you do that brings joy to your life.

A simple thing I do that brings me joy is practicing gratitude. When I am feeling lost and chaotic within my brain, taking a pause to count my blessings really brings me back to the present, and brings me a sense of peace.

I’ve actually been feeling off the past few days, and I haven’t actually sat in stillness to remember all that I have to be grateful for, so I’ll take that opportunity now.

1. I am grateful for my fiancé. The fact that we have built a solid foundation over the past twelve years keeps me at peace as we get closer to our wedding date and starting a family. He has been such a patient, supportive man throughout even the worst of time, and I am so grateful to be loved by him, and so very grateful to love him as well.

2. I am grateful for my cats. It’s so crazy to think we adopted our first cat, Sky, almost nine years ago! She’s so sweet and cuddly and totally my baby. Mushu we rescued under someone’s porch only a few months after we adopted Sky, and at only four weeks old we had to bottle feed her and teach her how to use the litter and she truly did feel like our baby. Deacon we adopted from our old tattoo artist as she was moving out of state and told us she never bonded with him, which of course made me really sad- so we took him in and he is 100% my fiancé’s cat. He is always cuddling with him, and sometimes he will with me too. I feel so lucky to have our three black cats and to have them all here and healthy with us now.

3. I am grateful for our home and everything within in. We are blessed to have electricity, gas, water and all of our appliances and items. The fact that we get to wake up in a bed with a roof over our head is truly a blessing, and that’s not one I want to take for granted. We are so fortunate to have our home.

4. I am grateful for music. Music is something that can help me to escape, but also help me reconnect to myself all at the same time. Singing and dancing along to the songs I love makes me feel so free and happy. I love how there is such a variety of music in the world so that everyone can find something they like.

5. I am grateful for my health. I can walk, talk, breathe, eat and use the bathroom without any assistance or issues, and as someone who has dealt with bouts of horrendous back pain, I am grateful to be where I am today. My heart beats and my lungs breathe all for me without me even having to think about it, and that is a huge blessing. I am also grateful for access to healthcare, as both physical and mental therapy have been so helpful for me and my journey.

Overall, life has joy all around. Sometimes it feels harder to see it/feel it, but focusing on gratitude really helps to bring me back to how wonderful life is.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this beautiful life.

Tonight’s Thoughts

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Propaganda (Oxford): “Persuasive mass communication that filters and frames the issues of the day in a way that strongly favours particular interests; usually those of a government or corporation.”

Propaganda (Merriam-Webster): “The spreading of ideas, information, or rumor for the purpose of helping or injuring an institution, a cause, or a person.”

Propaganda (Brittanica): “Ideas or statements that are often false or exaggerated and that are spread in order to help a cause, a political leader, a government, etc.”

I hated history in school, but I do remember learning a bit about propaganda. The generation I am a part of is the first one who grew up with the internet and social media. we don’t have to wait for the channel 7’s breaking story, we have thousands of stories at our fingertips at every waking moment.

It is so easy for anyone with power behind the media/algorithms to control us, because we’re addicted to the screens and we’re addicted to the stress. It’s sad to see so much hatred and division, but diving and conquering seems to work for those in power.

I know this all sounds sooooo doom and gloom, but I honestly think there’s hope. I think that more people have common goals than they think, and we need to actually learn how to sit and actually have a conversations to listen, learn, and collaborate. We need to learn how to manage our emotions, rather than letting our emotions manage us. Consuming copious amounts of traumatic images and horrendous events repeatedly is actually doing something to our brains.

I thought the answer was to get off of social media, and honestly I still feel that in a way, but this is also a way to share information and hopefully help people to realize how much we could actually do together. We’re all skin and bones, and I’m always going to be hopeful that love wins in the end. Humans deserve peace.

Affirmations to get me through the day

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I have a beautiful, abundant life.

Things are always working out for the highest good, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

Everything is working out for me.

My worth is not based on my performance or my productivity- I am worthy just as I am.

My body is a temple that keeps me alive and thriving.

I am divinely guided and protected by only the purest angels and ancestors.

All of the answers are with me, as God is with me.

Focus

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Today is a relaxing day, and I am enjoying some time alone while my fiancé plays his VR. I decided to do a card pull from Gabby Bernstein’s “The Universe Has Your Back” deck. Before I pulled the first card, I asked the universe to “show me what I need to know.” When I pulled the card, one I have pulled recently, I actually giggled.

After reading “The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need,” I immediately took that as a sign to just surrender and release expectations for the next pull. Normally I don’t even pull two cards, but I knew this time I was meant to. The second pull, also a familiar card to me, read: “I’m unapologetic about what I desire and trust that what I focus on will grow.” That was the card I needed.

I find myself not allowing myself to fall deeply into my desires out of fear of them not being able to be fulfilled. I don’t want to feel disappointed or upset when things don’t go as planned, but I also have to give myself credit where it’s due. I have been able to let go of control a lot more this year as I lean into my faith in the universe. I focus on being present in my life, which has brought so much peace and happiness, and I know that in the present is where I belong.

I feel so lucky to be where I am today. Years ago I dreamt about these peaceful days of hanging out with the love of my life in our beautiful home. I dreamt of the days where I didn’t have constant panic attacks or angry explosions. I dreamt of being able to just relax and do nothing without feeling guilty or unworthy of love. These are the very best days, and I know that I will have even better days ahead, but for now I am so grateful to be where I am.

Full Moon Thursday

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Normally I am feeling pretty good on the full moon, but today’s PMS is making me so crabby. I left to work without deodorant on and was literally so hot and sweaty this morning, so I had to stop at the store on the way. Then of course I was late to work- luckily I am at a place where they are understanding, but it still had me stressed. Then at work a bird kept flying into the window and when I went outside to see how the paper/poster-board we were putting up looked, I ripped my scrub pants pocket on the door on my way back in.

I ended up canceling plans w my friend because I know my energy is off and heavy and I am not trying to put it on anyone else, so I am excited to just spend time with myself after work. I know these are all minuscule things that won’t matter tomorrow, so I am not trying to sit and ruminate on it all, but I did want to get it out so now I can work on switching to gratitude.

Luckily, when my pant pocket ripped, it was in a way where no one can see my underwear. When I forgot deodorant, at least I am blessed enough that I could stop on my way to work to get a new one. When I was late, again I at least have bosses who are understanding. I had left work early yesterday due to nausea, and they were kind about that as well. I got to work safely, I have an understanding friend, I have access to things to help me with my PMS, and overall it is not a bad day.

Wednesday Morning

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I’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.

I am grateful for rest and good sleep.

I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.

I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.

I am grateful for our home and our love.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this beautiful life.

Monday Monday Monday

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Today I am tired, but that’s because it’s cloudy out and my weekend was full of fun and good company! My mom and I went shopping and found her an outfit to wear to my wedding, and it was actually the first thing she tried on! She got some cute, flows pants which are perfect for the beach and then a solid cream top! We also found earrings for me to wear and some cute clothes for vacation!

My fiancé and I went to a brewery with this best friend this weekend which was also nice. We had good beer, ordered some yummy pizza from the place next door and just got to enjoy the outdoors! His friend’s dog was with us and she is so well-behaved, but she is also a great guard dog. There were a couple of people stumbling around near us (cops were already nearby trying to handle them), and immediately she was on guard and ready to let them know that they weren’t to come near us.

Yesterday was a more productive day just spent with my fiancé! We got some cleaning done and picked up our groceries as well, and then I cleaned up and re-twisted his dreads at the end of the day! I love days where we just get to spend time together and get ourselves all set for the week.

This week leads up to a long weekend and if weather permits, we will be going on our friend’s boat on Saturday! If weather does not permit, I’ll likely just do more purging around the house and get a schedule together for myself for the week ahead! During the week I have a nail appt and a dinner date with a friend, so those will be nice little self care things to get me through the week!

My lunch break here is almost done so I’m gonna enjoy my yogurt and get back to it! I hope everyone has a great week ahead ✨

Fractured

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Have you ever broken a bone?

I have never broken a bone (knocks on wood), but when I was 8 years old I did fracture my growth plate in my right hand by the ring finger knuckle. This was my first year of public school after being homeschooled for a couple of years and I was enjoying my time at recess. When they blew the whistles and it was time to line up to go back to class, I started running down the hill and on my way down I tripped and fell. As I went to catch myself, my middle finger and ring finger on my right hand basically did the splits, and I felt immediate pain.

When I went to get myself up, I took a look at my hand and my fingers were stuck split apart and I remember feeling scared and just crying out in pain. A teacher took me to the nurse and they called my dad to come and get me, and he ended up taking me to either the hospital or some sort of urgent care that had imaging available.

They took x-rays and brought the doctor in who let me and my dad know that I dislocated my ring finger, and that they needed to put it back into place. My 8 year old self was immediately scared, because something told me I was about to be in pain again. Of course, I was right and they told me that they needed to pull on my finger and move it back where it’s supposed to be, and that they really want to do it in one try to that they don’t have to do it again.

I cooperated mainly because the idea of me flinching or messing it up and having to do it all over again sounded worse than just getting it done in one shot. I did as they said and relaxed to the best of my ability and as I sat there on the table the doctor quickly grabbed my hand, pulled and shifted my finger back where it was supposed to me. In the midst of that I definitely let out a little scream and began to cry again, and immediately asked “do you have to do it again!?”

They told me they’d need another x-ray to know for certain so they started that process. Once they said it was all in place, I was so relieved to find out that I didn’t have to go through that torture again. I remember them telling me and my dad that there was a fracture and I’d have to wear a cast, and that I was excited for, because I’d seen other kids have people sign their casts.

I left with my fingers tapped together with a wrap bandage that they put all the way to my elbow for whatever reason, and a whole ass sling. We had to make a separate appointment elsewhere to go get the hard cast, and once we did that I only had the cast on my hand- it was cut off right by the wrist. I got hot pink because that was what I wanted, and I don’t remember how many weeks I had to wear it for, but I do remember seeing a very colorfully bruised (and kinda smelly) hand once they removed it.

I didn’t have to get recasted or do anything different in life once the cast was removed, other than going back to writing with my dominant hand that was out of commission for a few weeks (bet my teachers loved trying to read my homework during that time). I remembered being told that later in life I could feel aches or pains associated with the fractured growth plate, and this past winter I started having days where it would just throb in the exact area that was injured. It took 20 years, which was likely exacerbated by cell phone and computer mouse usage, but they were definitely right.

I really would rather not do that again or break any bones, which means I probably should be working out more and working on my balance to help me as I continue to age. I just checked the weather right now after writing that and it’s 66 and sunny out, so I think that means it’s time for a walk! I’ll make sure not to run down any hills.