The sun is shining, and I’m in bed soaking up the most of this rest I can before this busy’s week at work. Today is my brother-in-laws birthday, and we’re all having family dinner over at my in-laws place. Technically we will do a late lunch/early dinner as my husband has his first go-karting race of the season this evening! He races with one of our friends and I am hoping they can start off the season strong!
I’ve been trying to balance social media usage and I as much as I like making my reels and being on Instagram, I really think I need to just delete the app off my phone and take a break for a bit. I always notice when I return from a long break that I don’t have the same impulses to go click the app and scroll anymore, so I feel like that reset is needed. I can still be creative IRL as well as here on my blog.
It’s crazy how addicting social media is, and I am working on a creative project where I have a separate IG page for that endeavor, but I literally can just work on making content / posts from my iPad and then just login to schedule any posts, and log back off. I put limits on my phone for apps too, but I’m terrible and will just not listen to them so I feel like I just need a reset.
May everyone have a wonderful week ahead, and may we all remind ourselves that we are only one person and we can only do so much. We all deserve grace and the same respect and love we give to others.
The sun is shining through the sliding glass door across the room as I type this at my standing desk. It is Christmas eve, and although most may be wishing for a white Christmas, I am grateful that we are not getting any snow this year. This is definitely a selfish wish simply because my husband and I are taking a little mini-Christmas vacation tomorrow and we have to drive a couple hours away, so I prefer to have some clean roads for the trip!
I know sometimes weird feelings come up for me during the holidays, and this year has been a little of the same, but also a little different. Sometimes I find myself playing the comparison game: you know, wishing I had the huge family that got together with fun Christmas outfits and had kids running around screaming with joy. This year, I still do not have these things, but what is different is that I am just feeling at peace; I am feeling that I can fully lean into faith and know that I can trust in divine timing in my life, as it has all worked out better than I could have planned.
This holiday season, I have very close friends of mine who are pregnant, and another close friend who just welcomed her new baby to the family less than a month ago. I am absolutely overjoyed for all of them, especially because my pregnant friends have wanted to be pregnant for a long time! It also just gives me hope for my own future family planning, as sometimes I let fears creep in regarding that topic. I can’t lie, I have had moments where part of me is like “OMG I need to get pregnant now and start our family now!” but I quickly recognize that I am lost in comparison, and instead I just focus on leaning into the joy of how amazing this is for all of my friends!
We’re in the last month of the year, and I am feeling some weird closure around 2025 that feels weirdly final. I feel like I have learned a lot from repeated lessons this year, and one of the most often repeated lesson is that I should always just lean into faith over fear. I know that my thoughts and emotions can be a bit more extreme, so when I get stressed/anxious, I often catastrophize and get myself all worked up and it is always for no reason. In the end, things will work out how they are supposed to, and no matter what, I can always handle it. Life is chaotic and tragic and full of so many feelings, but it is also immensely beautiful and magical all at the same time.
As I go into 2026, I want to be my own best friend. I want to hype myself up the way that I hype my friends up and cheer them on. When my negative self-talk comes in and tries to make me feel stupid and ruminate in the failures, I know that it is just remnants of the traumatized me, and I just have to give myself love and grace. I do not hold anyone else to the insane, perfectionistic standards that I have created for myself, nor do I deserve to have that pressure on myself either. Being a perfectionist just breeds stress and tension, and I am letting go of this as I keep leaning into faith and divine timing.
2026 is a “1” year in numerology, which is looked at as a fresh reset- a true new beginning. I am all about signs from the universe and leaning into angel numbers, and I am leaning into that energy of new beginning and using it to boost my motivation! I am working on a creative project and I want to lean into that more in the new year, especially because I always feel so happy after I’ve made progress on it! It is also is a fun way for me to let go of perfectionism, and just focus on authenticity and joy.
It has been a while since I have made a longer post on here, and today felt like a great day to take some time to just reflect. It has been an interesting year, and I am excited that my husband and I are going to have a fun Christmas together and this will hopefully be the start of a new annual tradition! Sending love to everyone who needs a little extra this season, and I hope your holiday season brings you love and peace.
Yesterday was rough at work – again thanks to Aetna just dropping their contracts with Careington and forcing so many providers out of network with NO NOTICE!!! But I’m just trying to remind myself that I am doing the best I can with what we have to work with, I just feel bad for patients and it’s frustrating that the insurance company literally tells patients that we decided to leave the network which is BS! There’s only so much I can do, we’re doing all we can to help and keep our patients, so that is what matters.
Letting go has been a challenge for me lately, and today I really want to keep returning to center. It’s easy for me to get worked up when I care about something, but most of the time it isn’t worth getting upset about. In reality, I can put a positive twist on almost anything, and I want to continue to focus on the good and letting my body feel at peace. No need to get myself physically ill over something not worth stressing over.
Angels, guides, and ancestors who are watching over me and supporting my journey in life, please stand by me and assist me as I am learning to let go. Allow me to be present to my peace and gratitude, and please protect and guide me along the way. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I woke up and was burning up, and not because of a fever this time. I walk out to the thermostat (that we clearly need to upgrade) and it did it’s fun thing where the batteries on it just stopped, so instead of regulating the heat, it just let it go up to 81 degrees! Can’t wait to see our next gas bill LOL.
I also had to call the vet to schedule one of our cats, because he is doing this dry heaving thing without throwing up which isn’t normal for him. Of course, he’s our problem child who has to be medicated before even going to the vet because he howls and screams like a wild animal and scares all the other animals. They can’t get him in until Monday so I am just going to try to forget about it until then. It’s honestly not fun drugging and dragging him to the vet- it’s actually pretty traumatizing for everyone with how he acts.
My other cat was throwing up this morning, but I knew it was because she got into something based on the puke. Sure enough she chewed through my husband’s bag of SunChips he left on the desk. She is obsessed with plastic and has had her fair share of expensive visits to the vet as well, so we’re just keeping an eye on her. She’s acting normal for now and honestly she likely will continue to based on past behavior- at this point I am sure she has a plastic coated stomach that is used to it.
So yeah, I’ve been awake for a whole 30 minutes and I am feeling very stressed out, but all I can do is wait for the vet (also praying they call with a cancellation for today), buy a new thermostat, and breathe.
Hey little girl, How are you doing today? Did you have a good day at school? Did you go outside and play?
I hope you had your time to escape From the anger and chaos within the walls Of the apartment on that second floor Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls
You often weren’t aware of how bad it was Not in the younger years that is Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles You were more worried about her pain and his
You were good at removing yourself from the suffering You were always able to see the good and humor in things Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark But it helped get through the bitter words and stings
You were so observant and smart Too grown up for your young age You could sense when things were off Even when they tried to keep you in your cage
You knew that life wasn’t normal Even if it seemed better than others you saw You started your plans on how you would free yourself And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe
You got to work as soon as you could Working multiple jobs and saving away You knew the environment you grew up in Was not where you were destined to stay
You planned and you prayed Staying both focused and hopeful You trusted your gut when others had doubt And along the way, you found someone very special
A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you You both fell so hard and so fast You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one And even at such a young age, you knew it would last
You have always followed your intuition You listened to the knowing within your soul I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child For you both took on and released control
You knew what was within your power You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing You did everything you could to build your ideal life One full of peaceful, lovely feelings
You are so strong and resilient Even today, you reside within my heart and bones Together, we get to live our favorite lives And we get to create a happy, healthy home
Thank you for your empathetic nature Thank you for your strength and determination Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities Thank you for your love and admiration
Thank you for your open mind Thank you for your appreciation of the little things Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings
Been waking up a little anxious these past few days. Today is a new moon with new intentions to be set, and I’m excited to have plans with a friend after work today. I need some good conversation with someone else who is going through their own healing journey.
I know this anxiety will pass and it’s all stemming from something that happened Monday morning when I was driving to work. I had to call 911 because some man was aggressively tailgating me, and when I signaled to move off the road to let him go, he stopped his car next to me, forcing me to go back in front of him so he could continue to intimidate me and ride so close to me.
While on the call with 911 he finally swerved around me, nearly causing a head on collision with another car, and I was able to give them the license plate. They told me they were getting someone to pull him over, but I didn’t see it happen. I guess I could call for a follow up to see, but maybe that would make me more anxious if I know he’s just still out there driving my same route to work. Luckily I am fine, and I did the right thing, but my body is definitely still recovering from the stress. I just have to give it time and keep breathing and helping my nervous system.
This week has been very stressful and chaotic, and I’m excited to end it on a good note and head into the weekend. I know that being on my period doesn’t help with the stress, in fact it 100% makes it worse, but it’s no longer day one or two so I am feeling a lot better.
As I reflect on all of the things that have happened that set me into my bad moods, in reality none of them were really detrimental concerns. Just aggravation/annoyance really, and the hormones exacerbate the reaction. I even caught myself during one of my rage fits and yelled at myself: “Jena, you’re literally making it worse by not stopping to breathe!” And boy was I right!
It’s crazy how pausing and taking a few deep breaths can help. Slowing the heart rate and also your thoughts definitely makes a difference, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t get frustrated again shortly after. Once I was able to address all of the stressful things (aka cat puke, spilled food / water, putting away groceries, etc), I took a shower and did a meditation and it helped to reset my mood before I went to bed.
Last night I definitely needed some rest though, as a tension migraine hit me around 8-8:30pm and I just decided to lay on my heating pad and I fell asleep. I feel a lot better this morning after good rest, and I am excited for my massage after work because it is much needed (I decided to book that yesterday after being very stressed at work).
I am trying to take my own advise of filling my own cup first, because I know that is what will help me. I’ve been slacking on my own self care and listening to my needs, and I am done with this now. I need to take care of myself, as it will help me to handle the days better. Now here’s to a great Friday and weekend!
I believe my last post had to do with my back pain, and I am happy to say that I have had much improvement over the week, but I do still have some pain. I went to my chiropractor and got some new x-rays done, and basically I am making progress which is kind of causing the pain. My hips are off-center because of the 10-degree curve in my spine, and as we are making progress on the curve, my hips are realigning. The way he explained it is that the joint in my hip doesn’t want to continue making progress and it is fighting back, but as we continue with adjustments and my therapies that it will continue to get better.
I am excited to get back in the gym and get back to being active, as I’ve been laying pretty low since having this pain. I have been stretching and still running errands and what not as I want to stay moving, but I can’t wait to be back to 100%! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling that way by the end of this week, considering I’ll be seeing my chiropractor Mon-Wed!
I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little rough for me not to start getting down on myself or anxious. I hate “falling behind” on house chores and I was also super motivated for this new year and to feel like I’ve been spending most of it in pain makes me upset. I have to make sure I take time to remember all of the beautiful things that have already happened this year.
For example, I got to make vision boards with my best friend! We are going to make this a yearly tradition to make vision boards for the new year, and I am so happy with how mine turned out! I also got to hang out with my childhood bff, and just laughing and chilling with her felt healing in and of itself. We’re excited to hang out more this year, and overall I am very excited for this year ahead.
Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Portillo’s, which was such a yummy treat. I literally was craving their cheese fries for three days leading up to that lunch date, so to say I was excited was an understatement. After that we traveled out to the Dick’s Warehouse Sale, and after sifting through some very interesting products, we each found a pair of shoes we liked! Once we were home I went to hang out with a friend of mine, and just enjoyed a pretty chill night.
This year hasn’t been bad, I am just learning to live slower and more mindfully. I also feel that this pain has taught me that I need to keep moving and take care of myself, which is something I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t been doing. I deserve to be healthy and enjoy life, and I am the only one who can give myself that. As I continue to heal, I will remember to keep tuning into gratitude and being present. Happy Sunday!
So glad it is Friday! This week honestly flew by and it really wasn’t a bad week! Of course I am back to dealing with a late period and negative pregnancy tests so that’s a bit annoying, but I am trying to stay positive and remind myself that there’s no point in worrying because that will only delay it more. I’ve been trying to figure out if I am having some underlying stress that is contributing, but I can’t seem to pinpoint it.
As much as I get frustrated with drama at work, I don’t feel like I am letting it affect me mentally, but maybe I am! I know I was feeling some anxiety about the fact that I’m going to be on a billboard for a few hours in a couple weeks, but it feels like it’s mainly anxiety around my parents in a weird way. I know that my mom will be supportive of my writing and she knows I am healing and it’s my right to share my story and my thoughts, but just knowing how my dad has been my whole life, I just feel like he is gonna shit on it.
What matters is that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments, but maybe that’s my problem. I have such a hard time celebrating myself, it’s almost as if I got this exciting news and felt good about it for a day and then kinda shoved it away. It hasn’t even happened yet, but it’s like mentally I won’t allow myself to be proud or happy. I just keep making excuses about how they just needed a face in my town and it just happened to work out, but they also have enjoyed my writing and have been so encouraging on our zoom meetings and in the community. I guess I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me to celebrate myself, but it’s so easy for me to tear myself down.
Luckily I have therapy after work today, and maybe we can unpack that together. I honestly haven’t seen my therapist since July, so I am very much looking forward to this session. I just have to be conscious of my talking and making sure I’m not just venting so long that I waste the whole session. It’s hard when you only have 50 minutes and it’s been literal months since we’ve talked, but I know we will be able to have a productive session. I’m going to end this will an affirmation for myself- and I hope you all have a great Friday!
Affirming: I am healthy, I am calm and I am at peace. I release all that is not mine to carry, and I focus on what is aligned with my higher self.
From Dark to Light 