self love

Monday post because I fell asleep yesterday.

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Happy Monday! Last week was my first week at my new job, I turned 25, I had a get together with some close friends- overall I’d say it was a great week! I am loving the new job so far; it’s very busy but it is extremely organized, there are procedures in place, and it is a very well-run office.

I am already feeling so much less anxious and stressed. I haven’t thrown up before work at all, not even on my first day when I was nervous/anxious about starting the new job. The office coordinator is very smart, hard-working, organized and a great trainer. The other front desk girl is also a hard-worker; it’s nice to be part of a team where everyone helps each other out!

During this week I will still technically be in training, but starting next week I will have a couple days where I don’t start until noon so I want to start working out on those days and making sure I really take time for myself. I am feeling very positive at this point!

Fresh Start

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Tomorrow I start my new job, and I’m honestly pretty excited. This week I will have a couple days where I’ll have extra time for myself before work and then I’m off on Friday which happens to be my birthday! I’m having a few good friends over on Saturday after work (I’ll work 8-2pm) to celebrate and I’m looking forward to it!

I just ordered some balloons and decorations off of amazon because I just feel like being a little extra this time, I am turning 25 and we haven’t been able to really party at all this year so I want to make it fun! I’m ready to just let loose and celebrate fresh starts with my close friends.

Today has been a nice day spent with the love of my life. We had a personal training session together this morning which was great! We spent the rest of the day just hanging around the house- we even took a nap together. I can already tell this is going to be a great week- I’m willing it into existence now (hopefully LOL). I hope everyone else has a wonderful week!

Monday post

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I didn’t post yesterday, but it was an overall decent day. I went to breakfast with my mom, aunt and uncle and went over to meet my aunt’s new kittens! After that I went back home and did an at-home workout and spent most of the rest of the day with my boyfriend.

I start my new job next Monday and I am honestly pretty excited! I will have more mornings to myself which I plan to dedicate to working out and practicing self-care. I will have more time for myself overall and I need to take care of my overall health.

Fresh starts are always a little nerve-wracking, but at least at this time I am not feeling very nervous. I feel relieved knowing I am stepping into an organized environment and it is properly staffed so I shouldn’t have 8 million things on my plate at every given moment. Even if I do, there are set procedures in place and an office manager that has been there for over ten years who should be able to help if I need it.

My last day at my current job is this Thursday, unless of course I get angry and leave sooner. My boss is really pushing me and I know she’s doing it on purpose, but I want to help the other staff as much as I can while I’m still here. She can keep sending me home early and giving me the silent treatment, I only have a couple more days to deal with it anyways.

New medication (again)

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On Friday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my therapist referred me to, and after an hour long discussion of me quickly describing my life childhood to now and explaining how I’ve felt on all of my previous and current medications he prescribed Cymbalta. I am to wean off my Buspar for the next couple weeks while starting the new one which I just started yesterday.

I am more hopeful with this medication; now that I’ve tried a few others and was able to self-reflect and then inform an educated physician about my experiences I feel like there’s more of a chance of success compared to when I first started with medications. I remember seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and talking to her for 20 minutes about how I was feeling and she put me on Zoloft right away. And when I wanted to come off of it after almost nine months she told me I needed to stay on it for a year. Well I didn’t listen and took myself off of it and stayed away from medications for a while.

When I started having almost daily panic attacks and chest pains I decided to see my primary care and was prescribed Lexapro which I had a weird delayed allergic reaction to and then was switched to Prozac. I felt like that was helpful for a while until we increased the dose and I felt like things were getting worse (I had lots of racing thoughts which didn’t help my anxiety at all), and I realized that I had been having side effects that I didn’t like the entire time I was on prozac, they just weren’t as severe as when we increased the dose.

When I explained that to the primary care doctor I was switched to an anxiety only (rather than an antidepressant) medication called Buspar which is what I am now currently weaning off of. This medication I honestly feel like it hasn’t done anything. I felt reassured when I saw this new doctor on Friday and he told me that many colleagues of his rarely saw good results for anxiety patients that medication.

Overall I am hopeful as I previously stated-lately I’ve been so down and unmotivated to do anything which is really bumming me out. I know I should just try faking it until I make it but I just feel so tired all the time. Hopefully I won’t be feeling this way much longer.

Battles

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When I started this blog, my intention was to work on myself and learn how to love myself and hopefully help others along the way. Instead I feel like it’s been me battling my anxiety and depression and just journaling about life, but honestly I think it’s an important part of the journey.

Lately I have been hard on myself per usual and I’ve been toying with the idea of leaving my job which always brings tons of feelings of guilt and anxiety. I just have to remind myself that I need to care about my mental health and sanity, and also my therapist reminds me at every session how toxic and chaotic my work environment is and I just work work work work work all the time.

It has always been difficult for me to leave jobs. I get very attached to people, and I also know how much of a benefit I am in my positions and that it won’t be great for them. But again, that is not my problem, as I am my own person and am responsible for myself.

I do keep getting a guilty feeling when I think about having to tell my boss I’m leaving (even though I literally haven’t even interviewed anywhere) because I think she’s going to be caught off guard. The problem with me is I tend to internalize issues and also I tend not to disrespect authority/my boss even when she’s being disrespectful to me – so I don’t think she even realizes how much anxiety she’s caused me and that I’m burnt out.

I could have a conversation with her, but even so she has these insane mood swings and is literally emotionally abusive to her staff and although I can sympathize with the fact that she has a lot going on and the world is shit right now, it doesn’t make it right. Other people who have been there for much longer have said that she’s getting bad like she used to be, and that she does this and doesn’t change. People do get stuck in their ways and it is what it is.

I’ll pick and choose my battles, I don’t have any just yet in regards to leaving my job or anything like that. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about and arguing about in my head and it’s exhausting me and I just wish things were easier.

Tired or depressed or both

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I feel exhausted all the time, and I look it too. I feel like my under eye bags have been darker than usual. When I get off work all I want to do is lay in bed and watch mindless TV, and making plans to do something other than that seems too tiring. I have no motivation to do anything and feel no desire to leave my bed- normally I’d be on a walk right now enjoying the sun. Summer is typically my prime time and I’m hoping this is just a minor “funk” that’ll be over soon.

Not much to say

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It has been an overall good day today- which was much needed. Yesterday after working for the 6th day in a row I visited my mother which was nice! I was so tired once I got home and was in bed at 8:30pm. Before that of course I had a breakdown and couldn’t stop crying. I was feeling so down and hard on myself. I also have been very overwhelmed with work and debating looking for a new job.

It’s a lot right now, but today was a good day and I’m thankful for that.

Frustrated

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I’m at home in bed as I write this. I went to work this morning but left after a couple hours due to throwing up twice at work (once at home before work). I also threw up yesterday before work. We didn’t even have a busy schedule and I have no reason to be feeling anxious.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am not motivated anymore. I probably should get back on my antidepressants, but the thought of that makes me more depressed. I don’t want them. I don’t want my anxiety medication either since I feel like it’s not helping.

The rainy weather doesn’t help… neither does the quarantine. I have to keep that in mind and remember this is only temporary. But if I can’t stop puking every day I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Rain

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I feel like all it does it rain, even though just yesterday I was out out a walk enjoying the sun. I’ve tried to stay motivated today by doing my makeup, and I ended up face-timing with a good friend of mine for a while today, but right now I just feel drained.

I’m tired of quarantine and everyday feeling like the same day over and over again. I’m upset with myself for not getting into healthy habits such as working out like I had planned to do. I know I still can do those things but I honestly don’t feel like it right now.

I don’t even really feel like writing today. I know I should channel this into creativity, but today’s not that day. At least not right now. I will however attach a photo of myself from today since I did do my makeup and felt at least energetic enough to do that. Hope everyone has a good rest of their Sunday.

Gotta keep going

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No matter what, life goes on. Day by day, we are blessed with another morning (until we aren’t) and I am thankful for each day. Today I took a few hours to reorganize a couple spots in the house that really needed it. I also cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes. I always feel better when the house is clean.

I’m thinking about investing in a paddle board for the summer- maybe making it a habit to drive up to Lake Geneva and just find peace on the water. Unfortunately they’re about $450+, but sometimes it’s worth it to spend a bit if it means endless opportunities to get out on the water and escape from reality for a bit.

I kept telling myself that I’d get more fit and exercise more during the quarantine… well I lied to myself. I’m not going to be hard on myself about it because I am working on trying not to “bully” myself. I have had some awesome neck/back pain which has resulted in me doing more yoga so that’s good (kinda)?

Now that the house is nice and clean I’m going to relax and eat something. I think I have a new episode of Insecure to watch so that makes me happy 🙂 I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother’s day.