2023 Highlights, Lessons, and Blessings

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As we approach the end of 2023, I feel the need to reflect and appreciate all that this year has taught me. I feel so fresh and happy going into the new year with the new beginnings ahead, and I owe that to my own efforts that I have put in throughout this year. I still struggle sometimes to find time or care enough to actually celebrate myself, but I know how important it is to recognize our own strengths and triumphs as they encourage us to keep going and keep growing!

This year was full of love and laughter and so many blessings, and I feel like I was more present this year than ever before. I remember seeing Masego in concert earlier this year and having the best time in the upstairs VIP w/ my good friend and her sister. He put on such a great show and the venue was amazing! I also drove out to Minneapolis to meet up with one of my best friends from high school so we could see Bryce Vine! He also put on a great show with his dope pink hair as he floated across the crowd on a blow up flamingo LOL! I also got to experience the Mall of America for the first time!

This year I actually went to the roller rink twice- once for my friend’s birthday party and then I ended up using that idea as a part of my own 90s themed birthday party months later! My birthday party was honestly one of my favorite days, because I had so many of my closest friends all dressed up in their best 90s gear and we got to rollerblade and then got to chill back at our house listening to my 90s/early 2000s playlist that I spent way too much time curating LOL. The 90s theme was also inspired by a fun 90s night out that I got to attend for another friend of mine’s birthday about a month prior to mine!

This year I was able to reconnect with my childhood best friend and we have spent more time together than we have the last couple years. It’s felt so good to dive back into that authentic friendship and be able to laugh like we did as kids, but also be able to have fun conversations about astrology and the universe and not feel judged! We believe in the magic of the world and encourage each other to recognize it and seek it out! We also have improved our communication which has overall helped our friendship to thrive!

This summer my high school best friend and I went back to the sunflower field that we went to a couple years back and we had wine, walked through the fields and even got to cut our own sunflowers to bring home! Although my dress was making all of my sweat on my back and under-butt completely noticeable, I reminded myself that I didn’t know any of the other people around me, and human bodies sweat in the hot sun and didn’t let it ruin my time! It took me a minute to get out of the anxiety/embarrassment phase, but once I realized how laughable it was, I was able to get present again and enjoy myself.

I got to meet my new baby cousin this year and she is so sweet and adorable, I am excited to see her again for our January Christmas celebration! My fiancé also got to meet her at her “fairy first birthday party” which was so cute! I also enjoyed my annual girls weekend with my mom, grandma and aunts as we explored a small town in WI and stayed in a VRBO that has an amazing deck and view! One of the highlights from that trip is when my aunt and grandma asked me to autograph the poetry book that I was in- it’s still crazy to think I am a published author! I am blessed to have a family that is supportive and excited for me.

Of course, the most exciting part of 2023 for me was definitely when my fiancé asked me to marry him at our favorite breakfast place. The universe told me it was going to happen, and it may not make sense, but even though I felt it deep inside, I was still entirely surprised when that ring came out of my mimosa glass. Part of me feels like it knew that the proposal was coming, but I also was finally at such a sense of peace around waiting for that moment where I didn’t even think about it.

I do want to say, I used to get in my head and obsess over when it was going to happen. This year I recognized that there was no point in wondering and waiting when I knew it was going to happen eventually, so I did my best to release that anxiety around it and just lean into faith and patience. One day one of my friends was telling me how she was thinking and hoping her boyfriend was going to propose soon, and I remember having a moment later where my ego was screaming inside of me: “if she gets engaged before me I’m gonna be so pissed off because I have been waiting way longer than her!”

But after that thought, it’s almost like my soul stepped in to counter and I just had this thought: “The goal is not the engagement, the goal is the lasting relationship.” I paused. I didn’t know where this thought came from, but it completely shifted my mindset- the goal really was the lasting marriage/relationship, and considering we had already grown together and loved each other through 12 years, we technically already were living the goal! This is where I was able to completely let go of my anxiety around getting engaged, and they always say once your surrender is when you receive, and boy do I believe that.

There are so many other wonderful things that happened this year, and I am excited to take these memories and these life lessons into 2024 with me. I am starting a new job this coming year, I am planning a wedding, and my goal is to stay focused on the joy around me. I want to be completely present for my wedding and throughout the planning process, and I will do so by practicing gratitude along the way, and just focusing on all of the love I have in my life. I feel so lucky every day, and I am excited to see what 2024 brings! For now, I am going to finish off these last couple weeks of 2023 strong and with a positive attitude!

Morning Thoughts

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I am so tired. I just woke up from a deep sleep and I need to get up and start getting ready for another day of celebration and seeing a bunch of people. Yesterday my fiancé and I went to a family birthday party and it was really nice to see everyone, and today we will go to his parents’ house for our monthly family dinner. Before that, I have a baby shower to go to for a family friend, and even though I am exhausted at this moment, I am very excited to celebrate her today! She has been through a lot to finally have this baby, and she deserves to be celebrated!

I knew getting on a screen and starting to read or write would help me wake up, and I wanted to avoid getting on social media. I went back on as of December 1st and finally posted about our engagement, and I’ve been on it pretty consistently again. Not really Facebook, but I am back on Instagram. I have honestly noticed that I feel more irritable, but it could also be PMS- I’m just trying to observe my own habits and emotions so I can see what is best for me.

I still have been very happy and grateful though, just thinking about wedding planning and all of the fun things that are coming our way. It may be a lot to plan, but I want to keep it fun and without stress or drama. I want to be fully present for all of it and keep focused on joy, being patient and calm along the way. This is a time for love and happiness, so I intend to keep that vibe!

Alright, I need to get my ass out of bed and start this day. Wishing everyone a wonderful Sunday!

Over the Moon

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Yesterday my love and I went to our usual breakfast place to enjoy some yummy food and mimosas, and there was a special surprise in mine…A RING!! WE ARE ENGAGED! 🙌🏼😍💍✨

I am so so soooo overjoyed and still cannot believe this is real life! He did such a good job because I literally had no clue at all! I even finished the entire mimosa and still didn’t notice the ring, so he of course was freaking out, but I still was so oblivious. Finally he asked me for my orange from my mimosa and when I dumped it onto his plate he moved the orange and BOOM!

I literally was in shock. I just kept staring at it like “no way!” and “what is that?” and “who’s is that?” and he was like “who’s do you think it is?” and proceeded to tell me he wished to spend all his days with me and asked me to marry him!!!! AND OF COURSE I SAID YES!!!

At this point the waitress comes over and is like “you said yes?” and I said “Yes I did!” and she started clapping and then SO DID THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT! I was in complete shock and was just elated!! I truly did not expect that and I am still in completely awe. I’m so excited to get this wedding planned and marry my best friend! I’M A MOTHRFCKING FIANCÉ!!!

Also, because you know I love my signs from the universe, get this!!

On the way to breakfast I saw something that was my sign from the universe and I even said something outloud in the car. The car in front of us had the license plate “CJ 93111” and I looked at him and said “aw CJ 111, that’s us! It means new beginnings!” LIKE WHAT! Okay universe, I see you!!

So grateful, so happy, what a great weekend!

Open, Hopeful and Grateful. ♡

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This Thanksgiving is going to be another lowkey holiday, mainly because I just got over a cold and now my boyfriend is working through his. We don’t want to spread this to any family members so we will be staying in, enjoying each other’s company, and relaxing. My idea of relaxing is bouncing between different tasks that bring me joy, such as reading, watching Netflix/YouTube, journaling, and of course I always enjoy some cuddles with my love. I am excited for today, and honestly I am excited for this next chapter in my journey.

As I had stated before, I decided to take a social media detox this month, and I am very likely extending this into December. The reason I want to extend it is that I feel like I just now started realizing how much time I spend distracting myself from the life I want to be living. I had an appointment yesterday and I learned a harsh truth: I gained 10lbs in the last three months! Like what the fuck?! How did I do that? Of course this news upset me immediately, and I felt myself entering one of my shame cycles-but this time was different. I definitely felt overwhelmed by this information and I could tell because I started basically vomiting out this information to every person I spoke to (which I am now already laughing about so feel free to join in LOL). I found myself thinking about it alone in my car and I decided to try to switch my perspective and mindset towards this information, and I am so glad I did, because I have much more confidence in myself this time around when it comes to health journey!

I made the decision to look at this new information as a new test from the universe. I had been in this position before: years ago I had a weight-loss / ketogenic journey that resulted in me losing weight relatively quickly, but it was all fueled by shame and self-hatred. I had family, friends, and coworkers complimenting my progress as I continued to drop all the weight I had put on, but they had no idea what was truly going on. I was extremely strict with myself on this diet; I was counting my carbs daily to make sure I stayed under the 20 net carbs that was recommended to stay in ketosis, which meant I was going to lose weight/fat faster. I never let myself go past that 20 carbs, and if I did I felt like a failure and was very upset with myself. I felt like I was ruining all of my progress and took out all of this frustration on myself, sending myself into a self-loathing spiral. When I look back at this now, I don’t know how I thought that this was a healthy way of living. I mean, I couldn’t even eat an apple on this diet because that apple alone would take up my entire carb intake for the day! After a day of eating only proteins and fats, I would look in my app and realize that I only took in 600-700 calories for the entire day, but I just kept going because the weight was falling off and that was the goal I had. Once I reached my goal weight, I completely let go of the diet and it was back to old habits, and now here we are today.

That whole keto journey was a few years back, and since then I have not gone on any diets, however I do go through phases of intermittent fasting as I definitely feel an increase in energy, and I decrease in bloating- but again, I have not been consistent with that. My therapist and I have discussed my need for control and how diets/counting carbs is not a healthy thing for me to do, so I will not be doing that this time around. Instead of shaming myself into losing weight and being harsh and hateful toward myself along the way, I am looking at this as a new start and new opportunity to show myself how much I do love and care for myself. As the quote goes, my past doesn’t need me, but my future does. I know that I want children in the future, and as my friends and family like to tell me, I am going to be an “older mom,” (which I really don’t think 30-33 is “old” but whatever LOL), so if I want to be able to be active and keep up with them, I need to prioritize my health. I always say I want to be the mom who cooks healthy meals and has healthy snacks for my future family, so what better time to start practicing?

This journey already feels different because I am focus on the love I have for myself and my body. I am grateful that I can walk, that my heart beats and my lungs breathe all without me having to think about it. My body digests and knows which nutrients to hold on to, while also regenerating and replenishing cells all automatically while I just live my life. I can help my body by providing it with more fuel from proteins and vegetables, and also by decreasing the amount of sugar intake. As I can choose healthier foods, I know they will make me feel better physically and mentally. I also learned that a sedentary lifestyle leads to a lack of joy and also shorter life and more risk for injury, so as I prioritize walks on the treadmill and focus on my physical therapy stretches, I will increase my longevity and my overall happiness! As I continue to show up for my health, I will only increase the trust I have in myself.

In general, I would say I hold the belief that I don’t trust myself. I mean this in the sense that I seem to give up on myself and my goals too quickly, which always has me wondering why I don’t love myself? But when I actually sit and look back at my past, I have plenty of reasons to trust myself! I think throughout my life I spent so much time in shame and guilt that it became my default emotion, but if I continue to acknowledge and celebrate my growth and progress, that self-love mindset will become my default. When I met and fell in love with my boyfriend at the young age of sixteen, I knew that I wanted this person to be my life partner. I felt it within my bones and my soul that this relationship was worth prioritizing and this person was who I was meant to be with, so I trusted my gut. Here we are, 12 years later still growing together and loving each other every step of the way. We set goals to move into an apartment, and once we did that we made a goal to buy a home within the next two years, and we did it. We had people asking us “Why rush?” and “How old are you again?” but we trusted ourselves and have been in our beautiful townhome for over six years now. I told myself I’d finish my Associate’s Degree, and I did while we were in our apartment and I was working full-time. I told myself I’d start a blog, and I have been consistently posting in one for several years. I told myself I would be a published author, and this year I had two different poems of mine published! I literally always do what I set my mind to, and this mental/physical health journey is no different.

I have made noticeable progress in my mental health and self-love journey, and the most important thing I have learned along the way is that giving yourself grace and patience along the way is a must. When you make a mistake at work, how would you feel if your boss rubbed it in your face and told you how stupid you were for messing up? You’d likely feel shameful and embarrassed and likely wouldn’t even feel motivated or worthy of trying again. Now imagine if your boss took you aside and showed empathy, explaining that they have also made this mistake and it is not that big of a deal. You’d likely feel seen and encouraged, you may even feel more motivated to do better and find solutions. In life, you are your own boss! The way you treat yourself and speak to yourself directly impacts your performance. So, as my own boss, I have decided to promote myself to a level of life where I love and care about myself, and I live a life that reflects that. I am very excited for this next chapter, and although I may stumble along the way as normal humans do, I know that I will focus on the progress and continue to work towards my goals. I am forever grateful for this life I live. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. ♡

Intentions

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It’s back for work for me today after a three-day weekend. I am happy that I was able to sleep well and I am feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, so I’m trying to keep that positivity going today.

Today at work I am going to focus on getting my tasks done and getting ahead since I have an appointment to go to in the morning tomorrow. I am grateful we are able to wear our headphones at work again so I will be listening to some positive podcasts and learning while I work.

The intention for today is staying grateful and positive, and not letting other people’s stress or worries interfere with my own happy day! I am in control of my own emotions, and I am choosing to make it a great day.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday!

Social Media Detox

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Sniffles and cuddles are making up my weekend, and I’m so glad that I took tomorrow off. I’m getting over a cold so it’s nice to just relax and spend time with my love. I was feeling good enough on Friday to get lunch and go shopping with my mom, and we had a great time getting stuff for an upcoming baby shower that we’re looking forward to!

I’ve been on a social media break this month, only using snapchat as I consider it to be basically like texting, but the other day I did realize I was watching those ad-ridden snap drama videos and that’s when I realized why it is also social media and a huge distraction. I logged out of Instagram which I honestly don’t know if I have ever done, and right now I don’t even miss it. I was noticing myself fall into the pressure of posting consistent reels and trying to keep up with engagement, but in reality I don’t have any need to do that. I want to increase my joy in life, not my stress levels.

When I first logged off, I was noticing how often I would just click into the app without even thinking about it, and honestly it was several times a day! I’d see I was logged out and immediately back out, but it has made me realize how instagram / social media has become a total impulse and addition in my life. I originally didn’t want to detox from Instagram because I don’t want to miss out on my favorite podcasters and creators who are looking for topics or questions for their content, or missing out on any giveaways or announcements, but I just kept reminding myself that what is for me won’t miss me.

I’ve been on this spiritual journey, and I honestly love the positive, magical posts I typically see in my feed- but I didn’t feel like I was living to my fullest potential and focusing on my own goals because I was constantly distracting myself with other people’s lives and content. I won’t lie, I’ve found myself still distracting myself with TV and maybe a little shopping, but this is all good information for me to have. I need to start being real and honest about how I abandon my own needs and goals, and I know I’m not the only human who falls into these patterns.

I have also spent time listening to podcasts, which honestly just makes me feel like I’m learning and it gets the wheels turning when I hear different opinions and perspectives. I also started reading a couple of books, but definitely haven’t dedicated enough time to reading as I originally planned. At least now as I actually sit and check in with myself, I am able to slow down and remind myself of what I feel is truly important. I have been resting and have had a packed lunch for work every day, which has definitely made me feel better!

I told myself I’d be taking a month of social media, and at this point I am honestly thinking about taking more than that off. I want to refocus and keep coming back to myself every single day, and make sure I am prioritizing what actually makes me feel happy and fulfilled. Reading, movement, music, podcasts, conversation… I have to actively make room for these things that are helping me to reach my goals. It’s 11:11- I think that’s a sign to end on that note.

Sending love to all, and some extra to those who need it right now.

Happiness According to Aristotle

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It’s 11:11am as I start this post, just after we celebrated the date 11/11 yesterday! I’ve been seeing that number a lot lately, even prior to this weekend we just had, and I see it as a good sign. A couple weeks ago I listened to an episode of the House of Herby podcast where Qveen Herby (Amy) and her cohost/husband Nick talked about the concept of happiness. Within the episode they discussed Aristotle’s levels of happiness, and it keeps popping into my head so I decided to look back into it for myself. I added sources to the bottom of this blog, but all of this information (other than my own insight/experiences) is from the articles listed at the end. Now let’s dive in!

According to Aristotle there are only four levels of happiness: Laetus, Felix, Beatitudo, Sublime Beatitudo. Laetus is happiness from material objects, Felix is Ego gratification, Beatitudo is the happiness from doing good for others and making the world a better place, and Sublime Beatitudo is ultimate, perfect happiness. I’d say it is important to note that the first two levels focus more on ego, while levels three and four focus more on soul. As human beings, we all have an ego, so make sure to give yourself grace as you reflect on these levels. I can admit fully that I definitely get happy after making purchases or getting my nails done, which is happiness you find in the Laetus phase. This level’s happiness comes from external sources and is short and fleeting. In this article from The World Counts, it mentions how people who only focus on this level of happiness often see life as shallow or without meaning, because all of your happiness comes from things/external sources. I could definitely see how that could be a problem in life. If all of my happiness came from the clothes I purchases or the dip manicures I get, I would be constantly spending money and seeking out more dopamine hits, while simultaneously creating a financial burden for myself. I’d also probably get bored of spending money on the same few items, so I may start to add in bigger purchases like vacations or designer bags. Considering this would definitely feed parts of my ego, this could technically lead into that second level of happiness: Felix.

Felix focuses on ego gratification, where one’s happiness comes from appearing to be “better” or more admired than others. Sometimes when we are proud of a purchase or are excited about a nice vacation, we like to post pictures to our social media accounts for everyone to see. This isn’t necessarily “good” or “bad,” but it does produce some sort of result. One may feel more happy when they notice they are getting a lot of likes or views on their post, and they may feel supported or validated from these external opinions. This again isn’t “good” or “bad,” but for some, this dopamine hit can start to create an addictive pattern where they may start to seek this external validation more often, which in turn does feed the ego. According to a 2023 article from Forbes, when humans achieve a short-term goal and feel a sense of accomplishment, that is when we experience Felix. This happiness can come from a promotion, raise or some sort of recognition/praise, and this can be beneficial to the human experience. I personally see this as a good thing, as I have received raises and promotions in my lifetime, and experiencing those achievements makes me feel even more motivated to work harder and keep moving forward. In my personal life, having reached certain goals with my mental and emotional health, it makes me eager to learn more and I personally wish to help others grow and see their own potential for creating more happiness. This type of mindset of helping others to succeed leads into level three: Beatitudo.

Beatitudo starts the shift from ego to soul, as this level focuses on the happiness from helping others and making the world a better place to be. This level is about moving away from doing things just for yourself, and making intention decisions and actions that benefit those around you. It is important to note that people can get lost in this level and forget the importance of still tending to one’s own needs. According to this post from cbttherapies.org.uk it is important that we do not define ourselves as unworthy if we don’t always give love. We are still human beings with egos, emotions, flaws, and we are not meant to be perfect. It is essential to one’s own health that we are still tending to our own happiness and making sure we are at our best in order to have the capacity to act in service of love. This level is based on the desire humans have for compassion, connection and meaning, and this level leads to more lasting happiness and it feels deeper than levels one and two. I have a goal to help others, but am still finding the balance so I do not lose myself in other people’s emotions and lives. I always have been a sensitive person and I often feel I physically take on other people’s worries and pain, so it is important that I do not drain myself or lose myself in the process of helping others, as that will ultimately defeat the purpose. I have to be at my best to give my best, I have to be in a state of love to spread love- it is important that you take care of your own needs first.

Level four, a.k.a Sublime Beatitudo is a level that most would see as being in a spiritual realm. This happiness is akin to enlightenment or transcendent, and psychologists label this desire for ultimate happiness as a call for connection to source. This level seems impossible to achieve, but in reality this level has no definitive answer, as each human has to discover their own purpose in this lifetime. Some will fulfill this desire through religion or spirituality, while others through art or science… the choice is up to you and what you feel called to do. Just as level three is basically leaning into “love,” I’d say level four is also “love,” but actively and consistently showing love to all others and one’s self. I’d say this is when we release the ego and start to fulfil our soul’s purpose and desires for the greater good. In this state, and I’d even say in level three, one does not feel “better” than another person, one sees themselves in everyone. We are all humans, and we are all mirrors of each other. The good you can see in others is within your own soul. The ugly you see in others is often something you can see within your own ego. Living in a state of grey, recognizing that it is not just all black and white, this is where (I believe) true peace is achieved. Not being attached to fears, but being free from the pressures that the ego feels.

Overall, happiness is an emotion that us humans are lucky to feel. Sometimes happiness can be short and fleeting, but in other regards it can be lasting and satisfying. I do ultimately feel like the choice is up to us, but I also feel like many people are stuck in survival mode and dealing with unhealed trauma that can hinder their mental processes in different ways. Becoming self-aware and having knowledge about your own brain and how it works can open doors to new perspectives and ways of thinking, and doing so from a place of love and compassion is absolutely crucial. The ego is delicate and often can feel threatened when confronted with the fact that it may be toxic in some ways, but in reality all humans have toxic traits. The only way we can deal with them is actually sitting and reflecting on our own responses and habits, rather than avoiding them. Becoming self-aware has helped me tremendously in my growth and my healing journey, even if some stuff wasn’t easy to hear. I believe that in order to achieve perfect, absolute happiness, we need to fully lean into love and the desire for overall peace. It is crazy to see how Aristotle’s ancient philosophy applies to the modern world, and overall interesting how he looked at humans and their happiness on this four-level scale. Thank you to House of Herby for mentioning this scale, and thank you to the below articles/sources for providing me with more information/insight on the topic. Wishing everyone a happy Sunday, make it as happy as you want it to be!

Sources:

https://www.theworldcounts.com/purpose/four-levels-of-happiness.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesbusinesscouncil/2023/07/06/happiness-as-a-benefit-how-aristotles-four-levels-work-in-business/

Releasing Limiting Beliefs

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This is a post for myself to talk/write through my limiting beliefs and hopefully make more sense of them and let them go, so I can start reaching my full potential. Scorpio season is all about addressing our shadows and working with them so that we can release what no longer serves us, so I am taking this time to do so.

Limiting Belief #1: “I am stupid.”

This is not necessarily something I believe anymore, however I know there are remnants of that thought that still sneaks in every time I think about pursuing certain goals. Who am I to educate anyone? Who am I to tell my story? Who am I to know what is best for anyone? That’s the thing though, I don’t. I don’t claim to know what’s best for anyone- I only know what’s best for me. That is the same for everyone- only we know what is best for us. I never claim to know more than I do, and I am first to admit when I am wrong or when I do not know enough about a topic. Nobody knows everything, and I am no exception. I do know what has helped me navigate through my own life and I find myself admiring others who are vulnerable and authentic, so why deny myself that right? Likely this stems from the next limiting belief.

Limiting Belief #2: “Attention is bad.”

I notice a lot of triggers around attention within myself. I’ve talked about it before that I am not one who loves the spotlight, nor am I one who needs to tell everyone my business or my struggles when I am going through it, because I just don’t like that sort of attention. I never have dressed really flashy or worn anything really revealing as I know that draws attention; and I especially do not like any sort of sexual attention like cat-calling or stares as I am not easily accessible so I do not like to advertise myself as such. I do get confused when I see others who are constantly looking for attention and validation online, and I don’t judge because I don’t know their life, but I also can’t help but have questions in my head because it is so different from how I think.

I struggle with this battle of attention because I no longer feel that keeping myself “small” in the world is serving me. With these certain projects I want to pursue, it would take me putting my full, vulnerable self out in the world and even promoting it so that it can reach the audience it is meant to. I understand this means going completely against my weird animosity towards attention, but I am also trying to focus on the mission behind it. I have always been one to care deeply for others and I also always want people to have happiness and peace in their lives, mainly because I know how horrible it is to feel empty when life is going exactly as you wished it would.

I guess I just have to focus on my intentions, and let go of the fact that everyone will always have their own opinions and perspectives, just as I have mine. If I share my story publicly, I know the intention is to help others and show how freeing it can be once you acknowledge the pain and work to release it. If I dress in a way that is different from the “norm” and it draws some attention, the intention behind any outfit of mine is to feel good for myself. I remember if someone was wearing something bright or “different,” I’d always hear “they just want attention.” But in reality, people typically dress for themselves, not others. One of my favorite artists is Qveen Herby, and that bitch is always rocking some loud ass clothes and has zero shame because that is what she feels the most herself in. She doesn’t do it for attention, she does it to make herself and her inner child happy.

Limiting Belief #3: “I am not worthy.”

As someone who has most definitely had judgments of loved ones, who has been a chronic “fixer,” who has been a perfectionist and a people-pleaser (aka manipulative), why am I worthy of any sort of love or success? Why should I share love and light when I have fallen victim to the ego a plethora of times? Why should I give advice when sometimes I can’t even take my own? Why should I encourage everyone to seek happiness and inner peace when there are times that I’d rather sit and pout? When I write this out I realize though that this is everyone, isn’t it? Aren’t we all battling between ego and soul? Isn’t our human body and experience about growing and finding the balance between the two? I don’t even believe that everything is just black and white, I know it’s a million shades of grey- so why wouldn’t it be acceptable for myself to be one (or more) of those shades? We’re meant to evolve and grow, and it’s inevitable that we will make mistakes along the way… but that’s the point. I have to make mistakes to learn from them. I have to try and fail in order find the best path forward. I have to be as human as everyone else if I am trying to relate to the humans around me. I am not meant to be perfect or be everyone’s cup of tea- I am meant to be my own person and be a person that I love.

In reality, I am not stupid- I am forever learning. Having attention on me is not wrong, as long as I am true to my values and intentions. I am worthy of love and joy because I radiate that from my soul, and genuinely want the best for everyone. I am more than these limiting thoughts that come into my head, and I refuse to feed them anymore. We are not our thoughts, but also we can choose certain thoughts that help us create a better reality. I am choosing to love myself for me, and free my authentic self from the shame and guilt that I sat in for so long, because I deserve it. I deserve peace, I deserve love, and I deserve happiness, so I am choosing to give these things to myself.

Good Days & Grateful Tears

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Today I was eating lunch with my boyfriend in our dining room as we listened to Mac Miller’s Tiny Desk Concert on vinyl, and out of nowhere I started to cry. I could feel the tears coming and I didn’t even try to keep them away, because what I felt wasn’t sadness… it was happiness. I felt so present in that moment and I was just taking note of how wonderful my life is, and it made me emotional.

I thought back to when my boyfriend and I first moved into our apartment over eight years ago, and just how mentally unwell I was. I remember thinking to myself that I had everything I wanted, and I was still so empty. It felt like even though I had achieved my goals and lived a life I wanted, it wasn’t enough. I was confused and angry with myself, and I just kept thinking “what is wrong with me?” I blamed myself. I hated myself. I didn’t feel worthy of the life I had, and in reality, I was anxious and depressed.

Every day felt like a battle. I was constantly arguing with myself between “rational me” and “irrational me,” which really now I look at as my inner child vs. my present (or not so present back then) self. I hated that I had such a short fuse and I was always racing the clock; I never could sit still or enjoy anything in my life, because to me, my worth came from what tasks I was completing. I didn’t feel worthy of relaxation when I had assignments to do or house chores. I didn’t feel I was worthy of fun or any sort of meaningful time to myself, and looking back, all I can say is I am so happy to be where I am today.

I feel so blessed when I can just sit and feel the joys around me, and actually feel full inside. I notice the blessings and actively practice gratitude and that honestly has made a huge difference in my journey. I have found it easier to let go of what is beyond my control, and I also find it easier to flip my perspective to a better one when I find myself in moments of stress.

Eight years ago I never would have imagined that I’d be living this way; having self-compassion, actively seeing a therapist and seeking self help through podcasts and books, and truly feeling joy in my every day life. Life is a journey and I know I will have more challenges to come and curveballs to be thrown my way, but now I know I can trust myself to navigate any situation thrown my way- and for that I am so thankful and proud.

Thank you for this wonderful life. Thank you for the blessings around me. Thank you for the love I have surrounding me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Taking the Leap.

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Last night was a Full Moon with partial lunar eclipse. Eclipses are a powerful time, and they tend to stir up some chaos within us, and we can choose to go about this in two ways: let it consume you, or embrace it and let it heal you. I have been looking inward at some of the issues that have been coming back up to surface, as I am ready to release them and focus on what is meant for me.

I spent a lot of my life in an anxious state; I would worry about my loved ones dying suddenly, or I’d worry that I’d get a horrible car accident- really I was always on edge waiting for something horrible to happen to me or someone I loved. I struggle to have many memories as I was constantly worrying about the future that I wasn’t there to enjoy the present. I get sad when I think about all of the memories I have that I will never be able to access because I never truly soaked them in.

I have been working hard on being more present in my life, and I am proud of the progress I have made. As much as therapy and certain books have helped me along the way, I feel like stepping into my spiritual journey has also helped me to make great progress. Being able to recognize how little control I actually have over situations in my life and being able to surrender those to the universe has lifted a weight off my shoulders.

Sitting and worrying about death or health issues or natural disasters does absolutely nothing except for stress out my brain and body, and take away the ability for me to be present. Reading quotes like “if it’s out of your hands, it deserves to be free from your mind” is definitely easier said than done, but with faith in a higher power it makes it feel easier.

I feel like I turned away from God pretty young, likely because I was raised going to church and Sunday school only until I was about 8 or 9, and then it seemed like we never went or talked about God again. I don’t even know what I thought about that when I was a kid, but as I dealt with more death in life it seemed like I believed less and less in a heavenly Father. I still can’t tell you that I believe in God, but I do believe there is something bigger than us.

I can feel it in the synchronicities that I see in my every day life. I can feel it in the love that I have with my life partner. I can feel it in the connections I have with good friends. I can feel it in the gratitude I have for the wonderful people and things in my life. I can feel it in the silence when I actually sit down to mediate. I can feel it when I write.

I used to shy away from this as I always felt the need for logic and science to explain what is happening, and honestly most synchronicities can be explained by neuroscience (neuroplasticity- brain rewriting), but I can feel it in my gut that there is a higher power. The more that I think about it, I believe that power is actually love. As a collective, when we all come together for peace and love, the energy changes.

My mom often talks about after the tragedy of 9/11 how people seemed to care more about one another and actually speak to each other, rather than how we all turn away and argue today. When we are divided, we are easily manipulated and can lose control and a sense of love for one another. It’s easy to see things as black and white or red and blue, but really it’s all grey and purple. Instead of judging and assuming someone else is wrong, we should be looking for productive conversation and try to learn from one another.

Every person I’ve met has trauma, and we are all a lot more the same than we are different. I also recently heard this on a podcast and although it is obvious, it still opened my eyes: the villain and the hero both have traumatic pasts, but the choices they made after their trauma is what determined their future. I remember after seeing the Joker movie how I sympathized with his character and saw how only just some help and love could have him to create a different life- and we can all do that.

We can show compassion to one another.

We can empathize with one another.

We can listen and learn from one another.

We can help one another.

In reality, we’re all mirrors. We’re all reflections of each other, and we aren’t as different from each other as we may think we are. Stepping out of the Ego mindset and into the Soul allows for love and acceptance to flourish. When there is love, there is peace, and we all deserve both. I leaned into spirituality and will continue to do so as it has helped me to release so much fear and anxiety and has allowed me to be present to the beauty around me, and I have no shame in that.