Another year around the sun, my 30th one
This one feels different; mature. demure.
30 feels more settled and peaceful
30 feels like confidence; like I’m actually more than enough
30 feels how I want it to feel, because I no longer aim to please everyone around me; my only goal is to be authentically myself.
I was never meant to be everyone’s cup of tea
Nor do I actually want to be
In reality, I just want to be me
And so, this is 30
Goodbye to my 20s
I accomplished so much in this past decade
My husband & I bought our home together
We grew in our careers
We got married
I went through a whirlwind of a mental health journey, and I’m still forever learning and evolving (as we all are)
I feel like so much abundance is on the horizon
Like I’m shedding these layers of programming
My inner critic is shrinking
My inner child is happy and growing
My inner compass is aligned
My inner knowing is strong
I always had the strength – I survived through everything in the last 3 decades
I survived when I was too young to know how to- my brain / amygdala knew how to though
I lived a lot of my life in survival mode, and within the last couple years I have finally been able to feel present- I’ve cried tears of joy over just being.
Just being.
And it’s crazy to think that maybe that’s the them of 30s… just being.
No pressure.
No people pleasing.
No perfectionism.
Just authenticity and honesty.
Just being.
The moon is as full as my heart.
The moon is as bright as my future.
Through every phase, I am beautiful and powerful.
Today some are crying tears of joy
While others tears are ones of sorrow
Anger and hatred proudly shared
Is this the future we want for tomorrow?
When emotions are high
When we are in a triggered state
When we don’t feel at peace inside
We will struggle to have any rational debate
It makes it hard to see the other side
It makes it hard to lean into empathy
But this is why we need to take a step back
So we can focus on light, love and unity
We all will endure these next years together
All with different pasts and upbringings
When we recognize similarities in each other
We can truly discuss the important things
We can see how much we have in common
We can ask each other questions to understand
We can see where our fears and goals line up
And we can lend each other a hand
We can accomplish a lot more together
Than we can when we are divided
We the people have the freedom of speech
With strength in numbers we can stand united
We can stand for our rights and our freedoms
We can stand for access to great education
We can stand for a healthier future
We can stand for what we want in this nation
Together we can harness the power of unity
Together we can make sure the future is bright
Together we can lean into faith over fear
Together we can show the darkness our light
Do you ever look back at old poems you wrote?
Wondering if you really did that on your own?
Do you admire your work and embrace it with awe?
Do you scroll on past it like you do on your phone?
When you read words you wrote in your teenage years
Does it feel so distant and far away?
Does it feel like you could feel that pain again?
Could you step back in that headspace today?
If you could then would you?
Just to see how it would feel?
To be able to pull yourself out of it
Now that you’re grown and healed?
Would you rescue your inner child?
Tell her that she is safe in your arms?
Would you tell her of all the good things
While shielding her from the world’s harms?
Would you tell her to keep writing?
Would you encourage her to follow her dreams?
Would you give her unconditional love?
Protect and care for her by any means?
Would you give that love to her freely,
Without expecting anything in return?
Would you be happy as she grew older?
Would you inspire her to learn?
You’d give your full heart to her,
Without any question or doubt.
So as you sit here as the grown inner child,
Thinking of something to write about,
You were able to answer your question.
Did you deserve the bad things that happened to you?
Are you responsible for unhealed people’s actions?
Are all of the things your parents said true?
No, no and no.
Your life may have been unfair,
But your life is now yours to live,
So please do so with care.
Please give yourself that same love and grace
That you’d give to your younger self.
Please allow yourself to accept love from others
While also focusing on your mental health.
Focus on the peace and blessings
Feel deeply into the joy and warmth life brings
As life is known to have challenges
But you’ll be able to handle these things
You have your intuition to guide you
As well as your angels and the divine;
You know deep down that no matter what,
Everything will be just fine.
Let go of that control,
Breathe into that inner peace;
Hand over your worries
So all tension can be released.
Lean into faith and self trust,
Relax your shoulders and jaw.
Allow yourself to embrace life;
Just sit back and admire in awe.
You didn’t come this far just to come this far,
Where you are in life is only beginning.
It will get better than you can even imagine,
Just lean into faith and stop over-thinking.
What is sacred anymore?
What is intimate?
What is worth keeping in private?
Where is the discernment?
Does anyone keep anything to themselves anymore? To their closest loved ones?
Does anyone value having anything that is theirs, and only theirs?
Does every envious and evil eye have the right to see your most precious moments?
Does every judgmental person deserve your energy and attention?
Does everyone in your digital friends list meet the requirements to actually be a part of your life? To come into your home? To watch your kids?
Does every horny individual on your feed deserve to see your naked body? To look at you as an object? To assume you did this all for them?
Are the views and the likes worth it? The followers and possibility of going viral?
Does the external validation go far? Could you give yourself that validation without getting it from someone else?
Would you still like your posts if it was only for you and your loved ones? Would you be proud of your children doing and posting the same content?
In the worlds of real life and “reel” life, are you living in your values in both? Are you the same person both on and offline?
Everything in life is temporary, yet the content we post to the internet remains forever. It has become to normal to share every aspect of our lives online to both people we know and complete strangers… but just because something is normal, doesn’t mean it’s good.
In an age of being so “connected” through apps and technology, we are so far disconnected from ourselves.
We’ve become addicted to external validation to feed our unhealed wounds of unworthiness.
We’ve become addicted to the dopamine rush when we get a lot of views or engagement.
We’ve become addicted to our screens and “connecting” with others, while ignoring the real world around us.
And we can run around and say it isn’t our fault and blame everyone else, but it’s our responsibility now. We know now.
So sit with yourself, and ask:
What do you value most in this life? Are you living in your values?
What are you grateful for? Have you thought about how many blessings are around you on a daily basis?
What habits are you wishing to let go of? What habits have you been wanting to develop?
What do you do when you’re avoiding something else? Is this beneficial to you in anyway? Is this something you wish to continue?
We all get a little lost sometimes, but the important part is that we come back home to ourselves over and over again.
None of us get out of here alive. We deserve to live lives that we are proud of. We deserve lives that we will be grateful to look back on when we’re lying peacefully on our deathbeds.
You are in charge of you.
You get to decide who has access to your mind, to your body, and to your soul.
You get one life to live, and you are the one who chooses who and what you give your energy to.
Choose wisely.
Hey little girl,
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?
I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls
You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his
You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings
You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage
You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe
You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay
You planned and you prayed
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special
A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last
You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control
You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings
You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home
Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration
Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings
This morning I woke up to an email from the founder of the writing community “The Unsealed,” and I was notified that I am officially a published author. She created a book compiled of poems and essays from the members of the community, and one of my poem’s was selected! I want to sit with this for a bit, as I feel like I often don’t allow myself to fully feel the excitement that I deserve. I think back to the billboard I was on, and although I definitely felt proud and accomplished, I still found myself downplaying it. I was saying “well I just got lucky,” or “I didn’t really do much,” when in reality…who the hell do I know that has been on a billboard? Who else do I know that is a published author at my age? And to be honest, even if I knew a bunch of people who were on billboards and having their writings published, I still deserve to be proud my own work and effort.
I have always enjoyed writing, hence why I have had this blog for over five years now. As a child, writing was my therapy; it was a way for me to express my emotions without having any repercussions or judgments. It was a heathy way for me to get out any anger or sadness I was feeling, and it allowed me to be there with my emotions, rather than trying to dissociate or numb them out. Writing in a journal, or this personal blog, really allows myself to feel more centered and in touch with myself and my thoughts. I am happy that I can see my progress throughout the years, seeing how my perspectives and mental health has changed as I continue through my healing journey.
I also enjoy writing creatively, and I often find I impress myself with my work. I struggle with expressing that though for a couple reasons. One reason I believe stems from the fear of coming off arrogant or like I have a “big head,” but also I know that deep down I care for others and I know that no one human is “better” than another, so I cannot imagine I would get that way. Another reason is that I know I find “normal” things to be somewhat profound at times, so I may think that I did something amazing, but to the general society they may feel it is just “okay.” So, I guess I do still care a bit about what others think, but I am still trying to break through that. Sharing my poems with the writing community has only resulted in support and love, and I am grateful to have found a place where I can share and feel heard.
I know that in therapy some psychologists believe that humans seek external validation to fill the void of a lack of acceptance during childhood. I know that my parents loved me and supported me in the general sense, but there are other times where I felt very misunderstood and like something was “wrong” with me. However, I think that is normal for most adolescents, especially when going through puberty and learning how to navigate emotions amongst the new flooding of hormones. Now as an adult, it is up to me to support myself and give myself the validation that I may be seeking. I am blessed to have a supportive partner, as well as some great friends, but what it truly comes down to is how I feel about myself and how I celebrate my wins.
I am proud of the woman I am today. I am a positive force of light who enjoys genuine connection with others. I am an empathetic woman who feels everything so deeply, which allows me to love hard and be supportive. I do what makes me happy, whether that is writing or singing or simply going on a walk in nature, I make sure to prioritize my joy. I have worked through my anxieties and have learned so much about myself, which has allowed me to let love in and pour into myself in the way I deserve. I also have a healthy, happy relationship with my life partner, and I am forever grateful for the love we have together. Having your best friend cheering you on and supporting your goals and dreams is something that I wish for everyone, as that love is unmatched. I am happy with my life and myself, even during the times that are hard and it feels like it is all crashing down, I know that I am supported and loved. I am grateful for this life and all of the love around and within me.
If you are interested in purchasing the book, you can do so following this link: https://amzn.to/3PfQ5q7
I appreciate all of you who support my writing and this blog, it means more than you know. ♡
From Dark to Light 