Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?
Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?
Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?
Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?
Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?
Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?
Who am I?
I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.
On Friday I decided to go and get a haircut. I absolutely love my long hair, but I knew the ends were extremely dead and thin and I could see them splitting so badly. It makes sense considering it has been over a year since I’ve been to the salon, but this time I made sure to schedule an appointment for end of December so I can keep up with it.
I’m not going to lie, I was a little shocked at first, but this is nothing new. We always say it’s only going to be a couple of inches, but my curls get so happy and they start to spiral, so it automatically looks much shorter. I am feeling a lot better about it today, and I’m using it as a reminder to let go of what no longer serves me.
I was holding onto dead weight just because it appeared a certain way, but in reality it wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t helping me in anyway, as it just let my hair continue to split and deteriorate. This is a good reminder for myself to let go of unhealthy habits and release any negative thoughts that don’t serve me.
I also recently got my nails fixed after snapping one down to a nub, so I feel much better now that they are cute and even. I also am finally upgrading my phone after four years! I feel like a whole new me and I am ready for abundance and new beginnings! I feel that this is going to be a good week ahead and even if it isn’t, I’m going to do my best to focus on the positives!
I have a lot on my mind, but at the same I feel very relaxed. I am simply letting things flow and letting things go, rather than attaching myself to every thought or idea. I am finding myself in more states of “boredom,” which I have been appreciating as times of peace. As someone who used to never allow myself to rest, I am feel that I am finally meeting my needs when it comes to rest and relaxation. If I find myself getting irritable or getting down on myself about not “doing more,” I remember that rest is a necessity, and it is an act of self-love to relax.
There is a slippery slope though when it comes to having mental health/depression problems, because this can lead to feeling unmotivated and eventually feeling stuck. I am blessed that I have self-awareness and I am able to make sure I am still living a productive life and finding time for joy. Even if sometimes the joy is sitting an enjoying some reality dating series, it is still time I am taking for myself. Today I went out for a walk, although I did slightly regret that decision considering it was 90 degrees outside. I also am taking this time to write in my blog, and I have been spending quality time with my boyfriend. I am finally starting to prioritize myself and I am focusing on giving my time to people that truly bring me joy.
I got to spend some time with my mom and a family friend yesterday. It was nice to just chat and enjoy some yummy appetizers together. We also all went around the shops downtown and shopped around for a while, all leaving with items that we loved! There was a new shop that opened up and it has a bunch of old school candy, candy from different cultures, and a bunch of weird, unique bottles of soda! We had a fun time looking around in there, and I even found the cutest evil eye ring for $4!
Speaking of which, I also got an evil eye tattoo on Monday that I am OBSESSED with! I also got the number 1144, which I see as my angel number. I see this number at times and I get this ping of relief and happiness, and it just reminds me to let go and trust in the universe. This is also the only tattoo I have that actually faces me, as this is specific to me and my spiritual journey. The evil eye is used is used to ward off variations of evil intentions and also serves as a reminder to “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” I truly believe that our works are powerful, so I am being more mindful of how I use my words. It is also a reminder to stay true to my word, and always say what I mean. I no longer wish to sugarcoat and hide from my own feelings, I wish to say what I mean with respect and good intentions without difficulty and without worrying about how the other person will react. I am only responsible for my own emotions and responses, not anyone else’s.
As I learn to let go and release what is not mine to hold, I am realizing how important it is to be authentically me. I will only find people who learn to love the real me, by being the real me! I will only attract successful and loving friendships by focusing on being both successful and loving. If we actually sit with ourselves and write out what we want, we can learn how to be that for ourselves and then we can also see those same traits and characteristics in others. We can learn to appreciate ourselves and make our minds happy places, and we can also find people to help make the outside world a happy place. Humans thrive on connection, in fact, researchers have found that people with active social lives live longer!* I absolutely love connecting with other people, and as I continue to practice the art of “letting go,” I know that I will continue to find success and accomplish great things. We all have that fire within us, it’s just up to us to ignite it.
Here’s to lighting that match! Now fuel your fire, and burn bright. ♡
As humans it’s so easy for us to make snap judgments about others or about situations going on, but in reality, we never know the full extent of what someone is going through. I do not know what is best for anyone else, as I have not lived their life, felt their traumas, or experienced their childhood.
I can truly only know what’s best for myself, and even that doesn’t come through judgment, it comes from listening to myself and becoming self aware. When we judge ourselves harshly, we tend to project that same judgement outwards into the world, and that is something I’ve been working on.
I recognize that we were all just human beings doing our best with what we know, and we deserve grace. Of course, it’s important to acknowledge our own toxic habits and traits if we wish to not hurt others or ourselves, but amongst the healing and learning we are allowed to fuck up. perfection is not real or attainable; the authentic beauty is in the failures and imperfections.
So stop being so hard on yourself. Let go of that shame that you hold onto so dearly that tells you you’re not enough. Stop worrying about how others live their lives, and start living your life with intention.
Do what makes you happy, even if others have something to say out about it. and when you feel judged or like someone isn’t being authentic with you, just remember that what we reject in ourselves, we project onto others. Someone else’s judgment about you has a lot more to do with themselves…so just live life for you!
Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.
I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.
I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.
This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!
Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.
I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?
I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.
But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.
If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.
That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.
I always admire how the moon is so beautiful in every single phase, and I do my best to love myself the same way. sometimes I like to isolate myself from the world and hide in the dark, and sometimes I like to shine my light and be loud, but most the time I’m in the middle just finding balance between the two.
I also get excited about angel numbers, mainly because it’s a reminder that I am being present. for a long time I was always overthinking about the future and was worried about being nine steps ahead as an attempt to be “prepared” and to “relieve my anxiety,” but in reality, I was feeding it. you cannot plan the future, no matter how hard you try. things happen unexpectedly, and it’s important that we are not attached to these future plans we have, as that only leads to disappointment and frustration.
putting trust in the timing of the universe and recognizing that you can navigate through any obstacle brings such a sense of empowerment and peace. there’s so much beauty in the here and now, and I never want to take that for granted 🤍✨
I definitely skipped writing yesterday and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Yesterday I returned from a much needed, yet also exhausting weekend away with a couple of friends. I was energized and excited from the time I got there on Friday afternoon, all the way until waking up yesterday morning knowing I had over a five hour drive home, and then the fatigue kicked in. I was so happy to come home to my love and my fur babies, and just shower away the sweat and filth from the night before. The reason this weekend came about is my friend and I wanted to see Bryce Vine this year, and we decided to meet up in Minneapolis! Saturday night after that incredible show, we met back up with her other friend and went out until bar close. The bars closed at 2am, but then daylight savings happened and suddenly we’re driving back to the apartment at 3am.
I will say, as tired as I felt today, I have zero regrets from this trip and am so happy that I got to see a concert and hang with my girls. We also went to the Mall of America and it was my first time there! Of course we did some shopping and eating, but we also went to the aquarium and the amusement park! We got a free behind-the-scenes and were able to feed the fish at the aquarium, and we even got a free ride at the amusement park! Overall I felt like a giddy child the entire weekend and absolutely lived for it.
Now that I am home I am resetting and refocusing on my current priorities in life, and I want to focus on eating better and taking care of my body more consistently. My boyfriend and I got up this morning and went to the gym before work, and even though it was a short workout for me, I am proud that I went. I am the only person in my way of achieving what I want to achieve, and it is time to take a break and re-prioritize my time and schedule. I always say I want to know how to cook, so I am going to try a new recipe this week. It doesn’t mean I have to switch my whole life in one day and make a new recipe every night of the week, but just making small efforts will help get the ball rolling.
I am excited for this season in my life, as I continue to turn inward and focus on myself and my needs, I will continue to build confidence and more love for myself and others. I truly believe that when people are feeling their best, then they give their best, which is why I never think self-care or self-improvement is selfish. But to some people it is, and with that being said, it’s time for me to start enjoying my selfish era.
There is this quote I have read before goes something like “if you do not make time to rest, your body will do it for you,” and boy did my body do that. I haven’t been at work the past two days because I have been battling a nasty virus. I was so happy to wake up without a headache today, because yesterday I had probably the worst headache of my life. I spent most of yesterday maneuvering an ice pack around my head in different positions because the pain was literally everywhere, including my neck. When I wasn’t trying to numb away the pain, I was napping to escape it. I definitely got a lot of sleep yesterday, which my body desperately needed. Today I still have an annoying cough and quite a bit of phlegm, but I am feeling a lot better now that I no longer have a migraine. I am taking the Mucinex and Flonase as immediate care recommended to me, and I am continuing to rest and hydrate.
I am honestly proud of myself for not feeling guilty about being home and taking care of myself, because that is almost always how I am. I usually get so stressed out when I am sick and I start worrying about falling behind on work and chores, but this time I truly listened to my body and let myself rest. I feel like this allowed me to heal quicker, and I am planning to go back to work tomorrow. As I had written before, I had a pretty busy weekend full of lots of events and people, and in the future I likely won’t jam pack my weekends like that again. I am a sensitive person and I often need some time to recoup from being around people and in public, and I will keep that in mind moving forward.
In the meantime, I am going to take the rest of today to rest and focus on gratitude. I feel so blessed to have my boyfriend to take care of me and things around the house while I am sick. I am also quite thankful that tissues and Aquaphor exists LOL. I am grateful to have access to over-the-counter medicines to help me, and most of all the fact that we have clean water to drink. As much as I don’t feel 100% like myself, I still want to take time to recognize all of the wonderful gifts around me, and I never want to take the present moment for granted.
finding light in the dark 