mental health blog

Sleepy Sunday

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Last night I had the best time with one of my good friends and her boyfriend because WE WENT TO WISCANSIN FEST!! We got to see our favorite singers/rappers from our middle school/high school days like T-Pain, Soulja Boy, Akon, Waka Flaka, and Pink Sweats! I actually discovered Pink Sweats in my more recent years, but literally it was such an amazing time!

We got to the festival in Milwaukee around 4pm and T-pain didn’t even go on until 11pm, so it was a pretty long night for me, but again all 100% worth it!!! T-pain was on the balcony watching his friends perform and my friend and I looked up and waved at him and he literally waved back to us!! We were so excited like little kids LOL but honestly it was the best.

Today I plan to lay in bed for as long as I can. I already got up to shower and I know I have to eat something here, but other than that I am exhausted. I’m glad I got all my laundry done and made my lunches for the week on Friday, because I knew I’d be tired today.

Overall, I had an amazing weekend. I got to have lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in several years after I got off on Friday, and then of course going to this festival was a huge highlight! I am just feeling so happy and grateful for this life!

Feels

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Been waking up a little anxious these past few days. Today is a new moon with new intentions to be set, and I’m excited to have plans with a friend after work today. I need some good conversation with someone else who is going through their own healing journey.

I know this anxiety will pass and it’s all stemming from something that happened Monday morning when I was driving to work. I had to call 911 because some man was aggressively tailgating me, and when I signaled to move off the road to let him go, he stopped his car next to me, forcing me to go back in front of him so he could continue to intimidate me and ride so close to me.

While on the call with 911 he finally swerved around me, nearly causing a head on collision with another car, and I was able to give them the license plate. They told me they were getting someone to pull him over, but I didn’t see it happen. I guess I could call for a follow up to see, but maybe that would make me more anxious if I know he’s just still out there driving my same route to work. Luckily I am fine, and I did the right thing, but my body is definitely still recovering from the stress. I just have to give it time and keep breathing and helping my nervous system.

Good morning, Wednesday

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It’s honestly incredible how much someone else’s energy can change ours. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, and as soon as I reached over to lay my hand on my sleeping fiancés back, it all washed away. I immediately felt relaxed and safe, as it reminded me that I am only right here in bed at this moment, next to the love of my life. Becoming grounded in the present moment often gives a sense of ease, as my intrusive thoughts tend to be about the future and losing the people I love the most. I know our time here is finite, so I use those thoughts to remind me to truly enjoy the here and now, and wrap myself in gratitude for what is. I am grateful for this life, and this love. Thank you.

Social Media

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I got my first social media account when I was 16. I felt so behind compared to all of my friends, because I was just joining the online world of facebook for the first time, while they’ve already had years on myspace. I remember feeling excited to join, add all my friends and post pictures; it quickly became my new favorite hobby.

Being a teenager is hard as it is, so naturally I had a sassy attitude at home, but it seemed to start getting worse once I was using social media regularly. Of course I would ignore my mom when she’d tell me that and I assumed she just wanted to control me and take social media away, but once I was actually grounded from my social media/phone for a week, that is when I noticed she could be right. she had brought up to me how I seemed a lot calmer and happier, which is definitely not how a grounded teen would usually act, but I still wasn’t convinced.

After punishment was up, I was back connecting and posting my statuses with weird ass spelling that I now cringe at. I don’t know when I was allowed to then get my Instagram and Twitter, but the addiction and stress just grew from there. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but now as an adult who still uses and honestly abuses social media now, I have a better understanding of myself.

I get overwhelmed and anxious when I am consuming too much information, and social media is a cesspool for horrifying videos, images, and emotionally charged content. In general, human beings have never consumed so much traumatic information in their lives, and just do a quick google search to see what that is doing to our brains. Even the NCBI lists research to show excessive screen time is causing depression and anxiety… so is it worth it?

For me, I’ve always enjoyed pictures and cute aesthetics, so with that I had decided I could eliminate twitter and facebook. I do still have facebook go on occasionally, but Instagram is the main one I’m still on, and I debate getting off of it entirely every day, because when I take my social media breaks I noticeably feel more at peace. I feel more in tune, less rushed, and overall just happier.

With or without socials, writing has always been my passion, and I am so grateful to have my blog and journals at home so I can still write and share my writing. I’d like to take time to get back into writing for the community I joined and just get back in touch with myself. Thank you for all who take the time to read this post, and let me know if you’ve had similar experiences with social media.

Focus

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Today is a relaxing day, and I am enjoying some time alone while my fiancé plays his VR. I decided to do a card pull from Gabby Bernstein’s “The Universe Has Your Back” deck. Before I pulled the first card, I asked the universe to “show me what I need to know.” When I pulled the card, one I have pulled recently, I actually giggled.

After reading “The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need,” I immediately took that as a sign to just surrender and release expectations for the next pull. Normally I don’t even pull two cards, but I knew this time I was meant to. The second pull, also a familiar card to me, read: “I’m unapologetic about what I desire and trust that what I focus on will grow.” That was the card I needed.

I find myself not allowing myself to fall deeply into my desires out of fear of them not being able to be fulfilled. I don’t want to feel disappointed or upset when things don’t go as planned, but I also have to give myself credit where it’s due. I have been able to let go of control a lot more this year as I lean into my faith in the universe. I focus on being present in my life, which has brought so much peace and happiness, and I know that in the present is where I belong.

I feel so lucky to be where I am today. Years ago I dreamt about these peaceful days of hanging out with the love of my life in our beautiful home. I dreamt of the days where I didn’t have constant panic attacks or angry explosions. I dreamt of being able to just relax and do nothing without feeling guilty or unworthy of love. These are the very best days, and I know that I will have even better days ahead, but for now I am so grateful to be where I am.

Full Moon Thursday

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Normally I am feeling pretty good on the full moon, but today’s PMS is making me so crabby. I left to work without deodorant on and was literally so hot and sweaty this morning, so I had to stop at the store on the way. Then of course I was late to work- luckily I am at a place where they are understanding, but it still had me stressed. Then at work a bird kept flying into the window and when I went outside to see how the paper/poster-board we were putting up looked, I ripped my scrub pants pocket on the door on my way back in.

I ended up canceling plans w my friend because I know my energy is off and heavy and I am not trying to put it on anyone else, so I am excited to just spend time with myself after work. I know these are all minuscule things that won’t matter tomorrow, so I am not trying to sit and ruminate on it all, but I did want to get it out so now I can work on switching to gratitude.

Luckily, when my pant pocket ripped, it was in a way where no one can see my underwear. When I forgot deodorant, at least I am blessed enough that I could stop on my way to work to get a new one. When I was late, again I at least have bosses who are understanding. I had left work early yesterday due to nausea, and they were kind about that as well. I got to work safely, I have an understanding friend, I have access to things to help me with my PMS, and overall it is not a bad day.

Wednesday Morning

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I’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.

I am grateful for rest and good sleep.

I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.

I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.

I am grateful for our home and our love.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this beautiful life.

Monday Monday Monday

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Today I am tired, but that’s because it’s cloudy out and my weekend was full of fun and good company! My mom and I went shopping and found her an outfit to wear to my wedding, and it was actually the first thing she tried on! She got some cute, flows pants which are perfect for the beach and then a solid cream top! We also found earrings for me to wear and some cute clothes for vacation!

My fiancé and I went to a brewery with this best friend this weekend which was also nice. We had good beer, ordered some yummy pizza from the place next door and just got to enjoy the outdoors! His friend’s dog was with us and she is so well-behaved, but she is also a great guard dog. There were a couple of people stumbling around near us (cops were already nearby trying to handle them), and immediately she was on guard and ready to let them know that they weren’t to come near us.

Yesterday was a more productive day just spent with my fiancé! We got some cleaning done and picked up our groceries as well, and then I cleaned up and re-twisted his dreads at the end of the day! I love days where we just get to spend time together and get ourselves all set for the week.

This week leads up to a long weekend and if weather permits, we will be going on our friend’s boat on Saturday! If weather does not permit, I’ll likely just do more purging around the house and get a schedule together for myself for the week ahead! During the week I have a nail appt and a dinner date with a friend, so those will be nice little self care things to get me through the week!

My lunch break here is almost done so I’m gonna enjoy my yogurt and get back to it! I hope everyone has a great week ahead ✨

Rest Day

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It’s a gorgeous day outside, and I am currently sitting in my papasan chair with my cat laying on my torso. I went on a walk this morning which was very refreshing and peaceful. Once I got back home, my fiancé and I went on a scenic drive out to grab some lunch and we treated ourselves to the new summer berry lemonade refreshers from Starbucks.

I decided to read a little while he is playing VR and after a chapter with Mushu purring on me I was quickly falling into a nap. Today is a day to rest and really soak up the love around me. I am so grateful for this life, and I’m happy to be present in these beautiful moments.

Freedom is Peace

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What does freedom mean to you?

Freedom means feeling at ease physically, spiritually, and mentally. Freedom is not worrying about how situations will play out or how long it’ll take to reach your dreams, it’s trusting that all is happening for you and in the best timing that is possible. Freedom is waking up without your heart racing in a panic, but instead you have a deep feeling at peace and are ready to go with the flow of the day. Freedom is not giving a f*ck what other people think of you, because after years of healing and diving into the depths of your soul, you know exactly who you are and you know you can trust yourself. Freedom is peace.