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Grateful Sunday

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Time to check in and count some blessings. Life’s been feeling heavy lately, and I am ready to release this energy and allow good vibes to flow. I know there is so much beauty beyond the pain when we are present enough to see it.

I am grateful for my husband- I’m blessed to have someone in my life who is such a supportive, caring person; truly my rock. I feel like I have a teammate in this lifetime, and I am so happy to see our evolution throughout the years. He makes me feel beautiful every day, and I just feel so lucky to have him in my life.

I am grateful that we both have our jobs. We’re blessed to have jobs that allow us to live our life comfortably, and we’re blessed to not hate our jobs as well. I’m very grateful to be at my current job, and honestly I can’t see myself leaving unless I actually get to be a stay at home mom one day. My husband has climbed up through departments at his job over the last ten years, and I’m just so proud of all of his growth.

I’m grateful for our home. We everything we could ever need in our home. From food and clean water, to appliances and electricity- we’re blessed to have access to all of these things and to be able to afford them.

I’m grateful for my genuine friends. I am blessed to have friends who truly love and support me for who I am. I have friends who don’t see me as competition or anything other than a loved one, and that’s how I see them as well. We all just want to see each other thriving and happy.

I am grateful for sunshine and nature. Sitting in the grass and just being still while soaking up the sun has been a way for me to ground myself and kind of let go. I’ve done this a few times during my current grieving, and I will say it feels good to just sit in it all. Being in nature just reminds me of how small we all are in this world, and how blessed we are to just be here.

More than honorable mentions: my cats, iced coffee, music, my car, slippers, yoga pants, my comfy bed, shampoo, youtube… there are truly so many things I could list, and for that I am also grateful. I live an incredible, abundant life, and although it feels heavy and dark at times, I know how lucky I am, and I know how important it is to check in and count our blessings.

Sat 6-21

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Today we went to my husband’s cousin’s funeral- it was rough. I swear I was the only one who was crying and not composed- and I’m like damn, am I really the only one who feels? To be fair, the older we get, the more loss we have to experience. I’m sure many of the older people have been through this so many times that they may be more used to it- or numb to it. I’ve felt that numbness before, but today it was just waves- like I was feeling all the things that everyone else was refusing to feel.

Father’s Day Feels

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Father’s day is always a bit weird for me. My father is alive and still very much married to my mother, and I am not even going to say that he is a bad guy or horrible person, because he is truly just unhealed. Hurt people hurt people, and my father must suffer a lot internally. I would too if I fucked up having a genuine connection with my only child.

As a teenager I would have told you he was terrible though. I would have told you how angry and mean he was to myself and my mother when no one was around to witness it. I would have told you how the more he drank, the angrier he became, and how you could 100% tell if he took something else along with his Jaeger.

Depending on how close we were, I may have told you about the time he slapped my glasses clean off my face for standing up for myself after he called me a “bitch.” Maybe I would have told you about how he cornered me in my bathroom, while I looked behind him at my mother with fearful eyes. Maybe I would have told you that after the cops came that night and we didn’t press any charges that it somehow got even worse after that.

I would have told you that my parents didn’t love each other. Hell, I’d still probably tell you that today if I hadn’t been on the healing journey I’ve been on. Now to be able to see the wounds and codependency, and I can understand why they would feel love for one another, especially when they have been together for 35 years. I just could not be apart of a relationship like that- and I have my father to thank for that.

As fucked up as my childhood was at some points, it definitely showed me a lot of what I did not want my life to be. I always knew I wanted calm, comforting love with my future husband. I knew I wanted to be with someone who handled their emotions well, and who wasn’t an angry drinker if they did have an occasional beer.

I knew I wanted a partner who saw me as a beautiful person and addition to their life; a true teammate to do this shitty thing called life with. I knew that the man I would marry would never hurt me physically or mentally, nor would he do that to our future children. I knew I had a chance to build a life outside of those walls once I got old enough, and I can’t help but be thankful for the motivation that kept me focused.

No, it wasn’t right. The rage and hurtful words I heard and witnessed was not necessary. The control and disrespect as I became an adult who was taking classes at community college was unacceptable. The lack of love I felt and lack of support for my own emotions made me realize that I’d never have a partner like that in my life- and luckily, I have the complete opposite.

My husband makes sure that I feel beautiful every single day. He does not raise his voice, nor does he have outbursts. He respects me, as well as my values and beliefs- even if he doesn’t always hold the same beliefs. He is someone who I am proud of and happy to come home to; he is someone who makes me feel safe. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I just know that one day, he will be the best father to our child(ren).

I still will see my father today, I just make sure to go early when no drinking is happening yet. I have set my own boundaries quietly which have worked for me to have less problems and resentment over the years. I pray that he is able to heal and face what haunts him so he can put down the bottle one day, and until then I will still love him, just from a distance.

6-13-25

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What notable things happened today?

On my way to work this morning I could not get myself together, so I ended up texting my bosses and calling off. Last night we found out that my husband’s cousin lost her battle with cancer. Her health started to rapidly decline recently, and she passed away yesterday morning.

Grief is such a hard thing to navigate. One moment you’re frozen in shock; complete disbelief- almost numb. The next moment, all the emotions come crashing down and around you- completely engulfed in the heaviness. The next you start to think about how grateful you are to have had time with your loved one… to have had them there at your wedding only less than a year ago- then the sadness washes back.

I felt guilty for calling in and being an emotional wreck while my husband, the one who is blood related to his cousin, is at work and holding it together. We are here for each other, we comfort one another, yet I feel guilty for being the one who seems to need more of it. At the same time, I am just a feeling person. I’m sensitive and I love hard, so the loss is hard.

I also am spiritual, unlike my husband, and I right after we found out about his cousin’s passing, I had to tell him about the butterfly I saw. When I was at work yesterday morning, a large, gorgeous black butterfly flew over to the window by my desk. I honestly don’t recall ever seeing a black butterfly before, and definitely not one of this size. I was so amazed and captivated by this butterfly that I couldn’t help but just be in that moment.

When we found out about her passing, after the initial shock and tears I thought about that butterfly. I couldn’t help but think… was that her? This brought a moment of peace amidst the grief: she was telling me that she was still here with me (us) but in a different form now.

Today I am sitting in the grief. I am releasing the guilt and shame about how I grieve. I am not ashamed of how deeply I feel and how much I love people. As a child I was often shamed for my big emotions, which is where this icky feeling stems from; but I know I am not being dramatic. I am being human.

Today I am also leaning into my spirituality and beliefs in our angels on the other side. The signs I see are clear to me, and I know that our loved one is watching us and supporting us from the other side. She had so much love for us here earth-side, so I can only imagine the power of her divine love.

Black Butterfly

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Today I saw a black butterfly

Flying by the window near my desk

I had never recalled seeing such a unique creature

A black butterfly? Was it really?

I kept watching it as it flew past the window in the next room over and then to the next

It was so large and captivating

I couldn’t help but just pay attention to that butterfly in that moment

I just admired in awe

Tonight we got a sad message that a loved one of ours passed away this morning

She was a positive force in this world

So authentic, so caring

She was always smiling and laughing

She truly had the best energy

She remained in strong spirits during her fight with cancer, and today she rests comfortably in peace

This morning I believe she visited me in the form of a black butterfly

Her presence was strong, and captivating

I couldn’t help but just be in that moment

A moment for her to say she is still here, just in another form

Always beautiful

Always remembered

Always missed

Always loved

Saturday Blurb

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Went on a solo walk today and really enjoyed my time soaking in the sun and enjoying the peace. I’ve been allowing myself to enjoy this quiet time in my life, and I am just so happy that I’ve been able to feel so present.

I’m at the vet now so my cat Mushu can have her glucose checked again now that she’s been on insulin for a week, so we’re praying for good numbers. There are still more tests after this, but again I’m just grateful for the access to the vet and the fact that we can afford these visits for her.

My husband has a fun couple of days happening this weekend! He is playing AirSoft with some friends this morning, and tomorrow he has his second race in his go-karting league. I’m going to his race tomorrow since I was out of town for his first one, and I plan to go to all of them for the rest of the season! I’m excited that he’s doing something for himself and finally doing something with racing.

My dance class starts back up in a couple weeks, so I’ll be back to that weekly for the summer! I am excited to get back into it and keep moving my body in my fun way! I am hoping to keep working on being loose and flexible when I’m dancing, rather than ridged and stiff. I just want to be in my body and in the moment, and dancing helps to ground me there.

I gotta run to the grocery store and get ready for the week ahead! I want to have ginger shots ready and lunches for my husband and I. I also want to have a couple ideas for dinners during the week so I don’t feel the need to think about it after working all day. I am ending May on a high note, and I’m so excited to see what joy and abundance June brings!

New Moon Release 5-26-25

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Happy New Moon!! 🙌🏼

This new moon, I’m setting the intention of being less in the mindset of “all or nothing.” This comes into play a lot in my life whenever I am trying to reach a new goal or start a new project, and I know it stems from the perfectionism. This mindset has hurt me in the past when it comes to dieting, as well as healing and even starting my podcast.

When I was doing the Ketogenic diet to lose weight years ago, I was all the way in. I ate all the protein I needed, I made sure to never go over 20 net carbs a day, and when I did, I punished myself for it. I’d mentally beat the shit out of myself for going over as if that would change my entire progress. Even if it did, which it did not, I never deserved to treat myself the way I did. That was way more unhealthy than if I had eaten 20 more carbs!

When it comes to my healing journey, along the way I have found that there is so much to heal from, and I was starting to look at myself as this never-ending project. I was just a human full of issues and problems that would never be fully solved, so I either had to try harder or give up entirely- that is literally NOT the solution. I can be aware and mindful in my life, and the only way to truly grow and evolve is to keep living and just keep checking back in with yourself. I am not a project that needs consistent tweaking and fixing- I am an evolving human.

As far as the podcast that I’ve started behind the scenes, I find myself completely delaying and avoiding it, because I care a lot about it. I know that I want it to be good, but I also am actively fighting against my perfectionism while recording, because I already decided to not edit ANY of it. I ultimately decided that because I know that I will edit and edit and edit until there is nothing left, when my real intention with this podcast is to be raw and real. I can be raw and real at anytime, so I can truly record at anytime- but I get on the mindset of “all or nothing.”

I’m not pouring all of my effort and trying to make this the best (which also applies to everything in my life) my mind then goes: “well, then I shouldn’t do anything at all”- but that is my anxiety and perfectionism taking over. I know in my heart and soul that the black and white thinking is not how we’re meant to be in this world; it’s truly all gray. We’re allowed to be creative and flexible- in fact, it’s encouraged over being rigid.

I am releasing these rigid thoughts and feelings, and I am tuning into the creative flow of life. I welcome all love, abundance, and happiness to flow into my life, and may I be present enough to feel it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ✨

Sunday Thoughts and Gratitude

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I feel grateful for the beautiful day I have spent with my husband. We’re about to go on a walk together which always makes me happy! Well, we’re actually going to play frisbee golf, which is also a fun time! I just want to get outside in the sun.

This morning we were up pretty early- we have to give our cat her insulin at the same time every day, and the doses are 12 hours apart. Since I was up so early to give her the insulin, I ended up staying up and watching the rest of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (lol don’t judge me) and my husband woke up about an hour and a half later.

We decided to go for a drive to go get some coffee, and then we went shopping for a little bit before heading back home. We did some cleaning around the house today which feels really good, and I purged my closet which was also needed!

This long weekend was much needed, and I’m just feeling so present and so grateful for so many things. I’m happy the weather is getting warmer and the sun is out. I’m happy that we learned how to give our cat her insulin and she will be feeling a lot better soon; I’m also grateful that she can still live for many years with diabetes, and remission is also a possibility!

I’m grateful that my husband and I get to enjoy this long weekend together, and that we can afford this life that we live. We’re so blessed to have our jobs and our skill sets, and I’m so proud of how far we’ve come, both individually and as a couple, over the past 13.5 years. I am so thankful for this life, and thankful to be present here in my body to feel all of the love.

Thursday Morning Thoughts

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I’m tired and in bed before I have to get up for work, and just wanted to take a moment to jot down some random thoughts I’ve had recently:

  • peace and calmness can feel odd or off to someone who has experienced a lot of anxiety and hyper-vigilance
  • if you’re taught that everything is scary and is the end of the world, that makes sense why you’d think that. however, we can still unlearn / de-program those concepts that aren’t actually helping us
  • sometimes it feels like our brains are actively working against our healing journeys and that’s because they’re wired for survival.
  • I don’t need apologies from those who have hurt me- I apologize to myself for not speaking up and setting boundaries when needed.
  • we judge people we love because we want better for them, yet we get mad when people judge us or tell us how to live our lives because we know what’s best for ourselves. (plot twist: they already know, it’s just hard to change and develop new habits)
  • life on earth includes oceans, sunsets and sunflower fields, friendships, true love and hugs: it’s not all bad here

FriYAY

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I’m laying in bed because I really don’t feel like getting up, but I’m reminding myself that it’s Friday and I have a nice weekend ahead of me. I also have therapy after work which I always look forward to!

This week was kind of a wild one at work, but it’ll be nice to finally have a day where I can just keep my head down and my headphones in and just get stuff done! I’m excited to see the sun shining, and I know today is going to be a good day!