healing journey

my forever love

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for years we’ve heard the same questions over and over again: everyone was always wondering why we weren’t engaged or married after being together for so long. people will always have their views, and most of the time you’ll find that it often has to do with society. it’s funny how people complain about “society’s standards” and then simultaneously push them upon one another, when in reality, society isn’t even meant to be in your relationship- so why let it dictate your timeline?

as I’ve been healing and growing throughout my life, I’ve recognized the importance of blocking out noise. people will always have an opinion or something to say, but they are NOT in your partnership. I feel it is important to hear people out if those are people who truly love and support you, but when it comes down to it, your relationship is about you and your partner. it’s important to pay attention to who is giving you advice and who is projecting their own issues and opinions. you wouldn’t ask someone who is thrice divorced for marriage advice, just like you wouldn’t ask someone who has never purchased a home for homeowner advice- so why let that outside noise affect your relationship?

when Cameron and I started dating, we were 16 years old. we told each other we loved each other after eleven days of dating. he wrote me a letter after a couple months where he told me that he understood why people would meet and get married within six months. if we would have gotten married in a rush at that age, I can’t tell you where we would be, but I can tell you that society and others around us would have disapproved. when we were buying a home at age 21, we had people asking why were we rushing to do that, while simultaneously asking us when we would be getting married. to us, it never mattered what people told us.

we have always listened to what we wanted and needed, and I am so blessed that we have been able to grow along side each other for the past 13 years. marriage is a lifelong commitment, even though society may not see it that way any longer, but it is to us. I’m glad we spent time building our foundation and I am so excited to spend forever with my husband.

Protected and Blessed

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(post from my Instagram)

4:44 is the angel number that symbolizes protection. when we were planning our wedding, we never anticipated that a hurricane would form and hit Florida a few days prior to our arrival. we were incredibly lucky that hurricane Helene did not touch Pensacola Beach, and our wedding went on as planned. 🤍

after we spent time in Pensacola, we headed over to Orlando to enjoy our Harry Potter package we bought and we had the best time riding all the rides, buying Harry Potter gear, and just enjoying each others company as a husband and wife. a couple days after we arrived, we got word that hurricane Milton was now forming and also heading toward Florida. this caused initial panic considering we are not trying to be in the middle of this storm, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but thank the universe.

I say that because when we had originally planned this trip in April, we had booked to stay in Orlando until October 11. A few weeks after we booked it, we changed our minds and decided to cut off a couple days and rescheduled to come home today. I can’t help but feel like the divine stepped in with this plan, because the Orlando airport is shutting down tomorrow in anticipation of hurricane Milton, which means we would have been stuck in FL.

I have been on a healing journey for a while now, but within this last year I have been more dedicated to my faith in angels/source/the universe- and I can’t help but feel so blessed and protected by the divine. I always struggled with faith and letting go of control, but I have learned so much over this year, and truly in these past few weeks, that has only increased my faith in a higher power.

I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that my husband and I have landed safely back in our home town, and I feel so grateful for whatever is above that is watching over us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍✨

Stop and Just Be

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Today I went inside Dunkin’ to order coffee, because the drive thru line was insane. Once I was inside I was able to order right away and went over to the pick up area to wait for my drinks. The cold brew for my fiancé came out quickly, and then I was just waiting on my iced coffee. A line of people start forming by me as they are also awaiting their orders, and the start minutes going by. Turns out they had run out of iced coffee, so they were working on making another batch. The beeping of the machines was so loud and felt never-ending, and the staff was all moving around quickly doing each of their duties as best as they could with the circumstances.

As I was sitting there, I started thinking about the experience as a metaphor for life. Being in that restaurant, as overstimulating as it was, was really just showing me the art of patience and mastering our own minds. Whether the employees decide to get frustrated or customers decide to get angry, nothing was going to change. Yelling and being upset is not going to make the iced coffee come faster. Giving up and throwing in the towel was not going to stop the mobile orders receipts from piling up. As much as it can feel like “when it rains, it pours,” how we shift our mindset and process our emotions is key.

There is so much external sh*t in our lives that we cannot control. The more time we spend trying to control our external environment, the more we are ignoring our inner world. Instead of focusing on how long the wait is or why the staff didn’t make iced coffee “fast enough,” why not focus on the fact that you are still having your iced coffee made for you. Why not focus on the fact that you’re lucky enough to not be behind that counter with the stress of having customers scream around you for things you’re actively trying to fix. When we focus on what is within our control (aka our mindset/perspective) we can become less rigid and overwhelmed by life.

There are things in life that you truly can never prepare for. Things like becoming a parent, having a parent pass away, witnessing an unexpected tragedy- these are beyond our control, yet we still have to live with the results. Life will continue to throw challenges our way, which is why mental health and emotional wellbeing are so important. The more we understand ourselves and how we process certain things, the more we can support ourselves during the journey of life.

Being able to have a more positive perspective or being able to lean into faith and letting go allows for less tension and suffering in our minds and bodies. Worrying about things beyond our control only fuels fear and robs us of the peace and joy we can find in the present moment. I have been actively trying to be more present in my life, and I know that there is so much comfort in stepping back and getting out of survival mode.

I could have become irritable and impatient waiting for my iced coffee, and I could have even used the excuse of all of the chaos that ensued in my life over this past week, but what was that going to do for me? Encourage my misery? Allow me to stay in a victim mentality? Instead I tapped into this “life imitates art” moment and recognized the metaphor in front of me. There is peace in letting go- whether it’s letting go of expectations, outcomes, or the need to control the situations around you, you’ll find that there is a feeling of content that washes over you when you stop and just be.

Lessons

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Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

If there’s anything I wish I would have learned or known earlier, it’s that I should be keeping my own peace, not everyone else’s. I didn’t need to stay sheltered away, hiding my true feelings and thoughts as a way to make sure I never made anyone else feel uncomfortable. I didn’t need to keep saying “yes” to things out that I really wanted to say “no” to, because a fake yes is really just a resentful one, and no one wants that either.

I wish I had recognized just how toxic “people-pleasing” was, because in reality, it’s manipulative and completely inauthentic. It makes so much sense to me now, and I see how avoiding potential conflict just delays having any sort of meaningful conversations and connections. I also see how wild it is to put so much on your plate to be “helpful” for others, just to burn out and feel resentful when, in reality, you didn’t have to help in the first place.

It’s much better to be open and honest if you want to create and true friendships/relationships. It’s important to be mindful and intentional with our words, and that does include saying how we feel and sharing our own opinions so that we can authentically connect with others. If you share your true self with someone and they don’t like it, now you both have the ability to decide if it is a relationship worth keeping.

I never needed to deny my own gut feelings or opinions, I have always been allowed to share them. I know in the past I struggled a lot more with self-worth, so it was much harder to deal with the thought of losing a friendship. Now, as I have been healing and learning more about myself, I’d rather have real friends who truly know and support the real me.

I know who I am and how much I care about others, and I know that my close connections deserve to know the real me. I now am able to say “no” to things without feeling guilty, I am able to express an opinion that could be rough to hear and not be worried or afraid, because I know I am being true to myself.

I am an open-minded person, and I am able to empathize, but I also have to have boundaries to remain healthy. It has been quite a journey, but I vow to myself that I will no longer dim my own light or make myself small for the sake of “keeping the peace.” Instead I will focus on keeping my own peace, and that means being completely honest and authentic.

Tears of Joy

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What brings a tear of joy to your eye?

Since this year is my wedding year, I feel like I’ve been crying more tears of joy than I have in my lifetime. From trying on the dress for the first time, to visualizing walking down the aisle and up to the altar, the tears have been flowing steadily.

I used to hate my sensitivities as how often I cried at everything, but now when I find myself getting emotional, I meet myself with love. Although it can feel exhausting when I feel pain and sadness very deeply, it is absolutely incredible when I feel joy and love at that same depth.

This year I have found myself sitting in those moments of pure joy, and just allowing the tears to flow. Then when I actually think about my growth/progress with my mental health, the tears just flow faster. I used to feel so empty and numb, feeling like nothing in life would ever be enough, and that is no longer my reality.

Crying is honestly one of my favorite things about being a human, because it is sooo relieving. I’ve had those days/weeks/months of grieving losses throughout the years, and as much as I felt like I’d never ever be able to stop, I never held them back. So what if I cried everyday for months? I wasn’t going to shame myself for how much love I had for someone.

Love is a beautiful thing, and we all deserve to be well loved… especially by ourselves. I am leaning more and more into love and this journey has brought many tears of happiness along the way. I am so proud of who I am today and how dedicated I have been to the journey. I have talked about having my emotions basically turned off with medications, and that experience has made me appreciate my feelings and sensitivities so much more.

I am grateful to have access to therapy, as I continue to learn about and understand myself, it makes it easier to love myself. I am also grateful for podcasters/authors like Mel Robbins and Dr. Nicole Lepera, as they give resources for self-help and share their own experiences in a meaningful way to help others grow and be their most authentic selves.

Life is a wild ride, full of every single emotion you could ever imagine, and I am prioritizing joy wherever I can. We never know when life will end for us or those around us, so take this time we have now to let your loved ones know they’re loved by you. Spend time with the friends who you can be your full self around and where you’re laughing 70%+ of the time.

We are all going to cry tears of pain and sadness in this lifetime, which is why I embrace and enjoy the tears of joy when they come. I am blessed to be here in this moment, and I am so grateful for where I am today.

Sunday Card Pull

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Deck: Gabby Bernstein’s “The Universe Has Your Back”

Take a moment to tune into the energy of love. When is a time where you felt the warmth in your heart? A time where your cheeks hurt because you couldn’t stop smiling? Was it during the holidays? At a concert? On a hike? Tap into that feeling, and sit with it. Let that feeling wash over your entire body, from your crown to your toes. Soak it in so deeply that you take this loving energy with you today, spreading it to any and all who come your way.

The world always needs more love, start with yourself. 💖

Favorite Time of Day

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What’s your favorite time of day?

Lately I’ve been loving evenings, because that’s when I get to cuddle up with my fiancé and watch Game of Thrones together. This is my first time watching it, and I’m really enjoying it! I had tried to watch it with him years ago, but I just couldn’t get into it- now we’re almost done with season six!

I also enjoy mornings when I don’t have to go to work. For example, right now it’s 6:51am and I have nowhere to be today. I get to lay in bed and write in my blog, while listening to this YouTube fireplace I had originally put on to fall asleep. Peaceful mornings like these are also quite enjoyable.

Releasing / Accepting

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I release any tension stored within my shoulders and hips, letting go of the traumas that wish to stay buried within me.

I release any shame that my inner child carries, letting go of hurtful words and beliefs that were never mine to hold onto.

I release the limiting beliefs that float around in my brain, letting go of perfectionism and fears that only hinder me from following my dreams.

I accept and am open to the loving support from the universe, please allow me to be a light in this world.

I accept and am open to the abundance that is waiting for me, please allow me to make room for the gifts that are meant for me.

I accept and am open to peace and harmony, please allow me to release any blockages that are keeping me from that state of mind.

I am so grateful to be here healing and growing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sunday 8/18

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I feel like I haven’t really sat down to write an actual long blog post in a while. I guess I could go back and look, and maybe this just feels different because I am writing this on my laptop, rather than my phone. Regardless, I am just happy to write and happy with this season of my life. I feel so supported by loved ones around me, and it has been such a beautiful year. It is crazy to think that in just 6 weeks, I will be marrying the love of my life!

Whenever I visualize seeing him at the end of the aisle and up at the alter, I cannot help but feel so warm and full of pure joy. We have been building this foundation for many years- I mean, we’re getting married on our 13th anniversary! I feel so grateful to have such a loving, respectful man as my life partner. I have been seeing so many signs that feel like direct support from the divine, and I am so thankful for all of the love we have received from friends and family.

This year also has felt very transformative for me and for my relationships. I have been able to overcome fears and have difficult conversations that have only strengthened the connections. Me hiding my true feelings or staying quiet when I feel uncomfortable was not good for anyone. I always thought it was better to keep the peace and not try to question anyone’s opinions or actions when I was confused or felt differently, but that was creating inauthenticity within the friendship.

I feel that if you truly want a healthy relationship with another person, whether platonic or romantic, you have to be honest with yourself and each other. For me, leaning into authenticity is one of the best ways to do this. Saying what you need to say with love and good intentions, even if it means feelings could come up, is better than holding in all of your true thoughts and basically pretending to be okay with everything. Any relationship you lose from being authentic isn’t a loss; we deserve to be surrounded with people who love us for who we are.

For years I made sure everyone around me always felt at ease or as comfortable as possible, putting their own needs before my own, and now I vow to live a life where I take into account my own comfort level. I am allowed to speak up when uncomfortable. I am allowed to say “no” when my normal reaction would be to say “yes” out of obligation. I owe it to myself and to my inner child to trust my own instincts and to set boundaries where needed. I am an empathetic person, but I recently read a quote that said: “empathy without boundaries is self-sabotage.”

Honestly, I am feeling quite excited for what the future holds, and I am eager to continue leaning into authenticity and be proud of who I am, as I am. The more I pay attention to my emotions and my triggers, the more I learn about myself and what I need and what aids in my inner peace. Knowing what I need allows me to do those things for myself, but also communicate with loved ones when I need to set certain boundaries. I am the one who is guaranteed to be with me until my soul leaves this Earth, and I deserve to give myself peace and love during this lifetime.

Sunday July 28, 2024

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I have been feeling so present in my life lately, which has also been making me cry a lot LOL. I have been really in my feelings about the wedding, and I find myself visualizing us just beaming at each other at the alter and the tears just start flowing. I’ve dreamt of marrying this man for so many years, and it’s finally coming to fruition. We’re just over two months away from the special day, and I’m just soaking in this lovely time.

I also am about to go on a girls trip with a couple of my close friends from high school! We are seeing the gorgeous, witchy rap goddess herself: Qveen Herby!!! I am so stoked to see her live. I just discovered her music a couple of years ago and I just love listening to an independent artist who shares her healing transformation through her art. She’s not ashamed of who she was or is, she is just filling embracing her truest self; I feel like this concert is going to have the most immaculate energy. We’re also celebrating my birthday on this trip; I’m so excited to start off my last year in my 20s with my best friends!!

Aside from all of the upcoming events, I also recently had a great breakdown/breakthrough within myself and with another close friend of mine. Without going too much into detail, there was an event that triggered me that I could not ignore, and because I had ignored many other triggers throughout the years of our relationship, all of those memories came flooding through. Although the start of the interaction wasn’t how I exactly planned, I am positive that it was all supposed to happen this way, and I am glad that it did.

We were able to sit down in person, not once, but twice for a couple of difficult conversations. We are both people who grew up without seeing healthy conflict resolution, so we both were super anxious going into these discussions, even with our significant others joining us. There were heated moments, but no one got disrespectful or rude, which was honestly relieving and appreciated. I always have to think of worst case scenarios, so I was pleasantly surprised when this all ended on high notes.

Overall, now I feel I can have clear, authentic communication with my friend, when in reality I didn’t always feel that way before. As I’ve talked about many times in this blog, I am a recovering people-pleaser, and with that I have had to realize how much of a disservice I have been giving my friendships by not being open and honest when I’m feeling bothered by something. I swept things under the rug because it felt easier than facing conflict, especially when my mind always goes to the worst possible case scenario- but this only harmed myself and my friendships.

They had no clue I was bothered, I built up resentment that I could easily push away, but in reality we will end up getting triggered again and then all of the things we “pushed away,” just resurface. Until we address and resolve our issues, the cycles will continue to repeat. This time around, I did not want that to continue. No matter how difficult a conversation may be, I have to stay true to myself. I deserve to feel authentic and comfortable in my life and my relationships, so it’s up to me to be honest with myself and with those I love.

I am feeling so good this season. Astrologically it makes sense considering it is now Leo season and your girl here is a Leo herself! Leo sun, and rising here, and I am finally leaning into my confidence and my authenticity. I am so proud of myself for all of the work I’ve been doing for my mental health, and I am excited to see how much I grow over this next year. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍✨