happiness

Gratitude Check

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I am feeling so grateful and surrounded by love this season. I just sent out our save the dates today and am having lunch with my family this weekend! I also just had a good weekend with good friends and I am so happy to be present for all of the good things in my life.

I am grateful for our home and the fact that we have electricity, food and water. I am grateful for my body that breathes for me, pumps blood for me, and continuously regenerates my cells without me having to think about it. I am grateful to have a supportive, respectful fiancé who truly knows me and loves me for me. I am grateful for Dunkin’s iced coffee, although I definitely am addicted LOL! I am grateful for my job and for our financial situation, and overall I am grateful for this life!

Thank you to my angels and guides of the highest good and truth for protecting and supporting me along this lovely journey.

Wednesday Wisdom

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I have been feeling so much better than I felt the first week of the year, and I am fully enjoying this time. I’m still practicing discernment in my life, I am limiting the amount of information I share with others and this even includes close friends.

It is not my responsibility or even my problem if someone else is sending jealous or some negative energy my way, because I know I am protected and my energy is mine regardless; but that doesn’t mean I want to be all willy nilly with what I share.

There’s good news around me, and instead of sharing for validation or sharing to celebrate, I find that celebrating with myself and for myself is more than sufficient for me. In reality, it feels better than sharing with others. Not that my friends don’t celebrate or care, but because I can give that to myself.

I am very aware that hyper-independence is a trauma response, but it also is a strength. I know I am living in alignment with my values; I am strengthening my relationship with the universe / God, which in turn has improved my relationship with myself. I know who I can ask for help, I know I have loved ones who are truly in my corner and are rooting for me, and even though that is a small group, it is a strong, supportive, caring group.

I don’t feel the need to share all of my plans and all of my goals with people who are just waiting for me to fail, or are projecting their own self-doubt onto me. I know that I still have yet to meet members of my soul family, and I am not here to be completely shut off or turn off my empathy, but I will continue to be selective and protect myself and my dreams first.

1/11

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Today is January 11, aka 111! If you believe in angel numbers and all that fun witchy woo, then today is a powerful day that marks “new beginnings.” Today is also the first new moon of 2024, which is a wonderful day to set new intentions, new routines and get our booties into gear!

Mind you, if you are still feeling the heavy, exhausting energy of the new year, it is okay to just take today to slow down and pour into yourself. Give yourself grace and set time to check back in when you’re feeling like you’re in a better space energetically.

For myself, this year is an exciting one and I am looking forward to all of the love, connections, blessings and abundance that is heading my way. I am being my full self with absolutely no apologies! I am embracing my weird, bitchy, dark humor having ass self and instead of fighting the inevitable dualities in the human life, I am flowing with them.

I am advocating for myself.

I am prioritizing my peace.

I am moving with intention.

I am surrendering worries to the universe.

I am flowing, growing, and glowing.

I am taking back my power.

I am stepping into my authentic self.

I am grateful, graceful, and tasteful.

I have spent so much time focusing on my mental health and focusing on the positives, and now it’s time to enjoy all of my progress. I am dancing in the garden I grew for myself. I am singing in the rain that the universe pours into me. I am skipping through the fields of abundance that will continue to appear before me. I am breathing fresh air into my vessel, cleansing my soul from the inside out.

I am here.

I am alive.

I am free.

Thank you, angels and guides of the highest good for your divine support and protection.

Last Full Moon 2023

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Today is a full moon in Cancer, and the themes of this moon include nurturing yourself, releasing, isolating, reset/rebirth. I’m not sure about you but I am FEELING this energy already! I am so excited for this new year and all of the wonderful blessings heading my way. 2024 is the year I become a WIFE! I also start my new job right in the beginning of the year, and I am excited to be in a new environment. I can feel so many good things coming my way; I am so excited to get in a new self-care routine and plan this wedding! This is my season and I am here for it!

This full moon I am releasing my need to control situations that are beyond my control. I am releasing the need to “fix” or change how certain people behave. I am releasing the “shoulds” and shame I am putting on myself in regard to my workout routine and eating habits. I am releasing the need to control how others perceive me, my boundaries, or my opinions. I am releasing the need to want everything to be perfect and flawless.

As I continue into the new year, I am focusing on being absolutely impeccable with my word and setting boundaries unapologetically and with love and kindness. I am focusing on how I communicate and making sure I am speaking up when needed. I am focusing on showing myself love and acceptance, and continuing to learn about my own brain and habits. I am focused on how I perceive myself and prioritizing the important things in life. I am focused on being authentic and 100% real in everything that I do.

I am living a life I once dreamed about, and I am forever grateful to be where I am today. Thinking back 10 years ago I was battling with anxiety and depression and I had a lot of issues with self-worth. I couldn’t stand how my brain worked or why I was always worried or on edge- I always felt like I was too much and a complete burden to be around. I had so much pent up rage and issues I needed to work out, and I truly didn’t know if I’d ever feel truly happy. Now I cry tears of pure joy pretty regularly because I am finally feeling the beautiful glimmers that life has to offer. I smile more, I laugh louder… I am happy.

I am so grateful for the life I have and the people I have in it, and I never want to take that for granted. I also finally see my worth and I don’ want to take this for granted either. I, just like every other human, deserve to live my dream life and have my happily ever after- and I am determined to give myself that. Practicing gratitude, sitting in silence, writing in this blog, these are all ways I can continue to come back to myself and be present. I actively choose happiness. I actively choose to heal. I actively choose to be grateful and present. I decide how I get to live my life, and I plan to live my best one.

End of Year Reflections

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I know I have mentioned Mel Robbins on this blog before, as she is one of my favorite podcast hosts/authors/self-help influencers. Mel recently released a podcast episode titled: “How To Make 2024 The Best Year: 6 Questions To Ask Yourself.” I am finishing up listening to it now, and although Mel and her team are amazing and have even made a free downloadable workbook to work through, I still wanted to just answer the questions she asks here on my blog. When I started listened to the episode I was driving, so I wasn’t able to write down the questions or really think about my answers, so I plan to do that here.

Before I do, here is the link to the episode: https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-131

Here is the link to the free workbook to go along with the episode: https://www.melrobbins.com/bestyear

According to what Mel has been saying on this episode, the workbook is more extensive than just answering each question, as she helps people truly dive deep into each one and helps guide you along the way. Mel and her family answer these questions with her family every single year, and she recommends having your phone by you to be able to look through your camera roll and calendar to truly see how these past 12 months went. The questions are as follows: What were the highlights of your year? What were the hardest aspects of this past yet? What did you learn about yourself over the past 12 months? What are the things you want to stop doing and not bring into 2024? What do you want to continue doing? What do you want to start doing?

As I am writing these down I am getting excited to actually sit down and do a deep reflection on these past 12 months. Before I do the true deep dive with the workbook and extra prompts/guidance, let’s see how much I can get from just simply answering these. I have my phone with me, so let’s roll!

1. What were the highlights of your year?

Without even looking at my phone, our engagement comes to mind as the top highlight of 2023! My love asked me to marry him and it’s crazy to think that before the end of 2024, I will be able to call him my husband! We also celebrated 12 years together this year and finally got to eat at this nice super club that we had tried to go to before. This was also the year that I became a published author! I have two different poems of mine published in books, and this leads me into another highlight memory when my aunt and grandmother brought copies of the books to our annual girl’s retreat and asked me to sign them. It’s great to know I have family that supports me, along with my friends. I also was invited to be on a podcast that a mutual friend started earlier in the year, and I felt so happy doing the episode! Scrolling through my camera roll I see videos of me rollerblading at my friend’s birthday party back in February, which was the first time I had done that in several years. This even inspired me to have my own birthday party start at the roller rink later on in the year. My 28th birthday party was definitely a highlight from this year; it was so fun to be able to rollerblade with everyone and then end the night at our place just enjoying some drinks and food! Before my birthday I was blessed with the time to be able to travel to MN to meet up with one of my best friends for a Bryce Vine concert, and we even got to go to the mall of America! Which of course this reminds me that I also got to see Masego in concert this year which was a huge highlight! Standing up on the VIP floor with a private bar and good friends was truly an unforgettable experience. From celebrating birthdays with karaoke, to game nights where I actually won poker, to family trips and long overdue baby showers, this year has been full of celebrations and good company. I also recently accepted a new job offer and put in my notice at the place I have been at for the last two years, and I am looking forward to new beginnings!

2. What were the hardest aspects of this past yet?

I’d say one of the hardest aspects was navigating emotions and trying not to take on other people’s stress. I’ve had close friends go through terrible loss and it’s hard when I cannot take away their pain and I feel like I don’t know how to support them. Another hard aspect is feeling like I cannot stay consistent with health or wellness goals. I have been trying to be observant without judging myself, which I feel I have been, but I am still not working out or cooking as consistently as I’d want. I go through phases but it doesn’t stick so that gets discouraging. I also had immense back pain several times that prevented me from being able to bend over and I could barely walk. I had to miss work because of it, I was going to the chiropractor, then immediate care, and then ending with physical therapy. This year got another ultrasound as I thought I had a cyst or endometriosis, but I am happy to report all was normal! One of the worst parts of this year was when I witnessed a horrific accident involving the death of someone’s dog; that was something that shook me for a little bit. I was also honestly upset that Angus Cloud passed away this year, even though I obviously didn’t know him personally, I loved his character on Euphoria.

3. What did you learn about yourself over the past 12 months?

I’ve learned that I am much happier when I am being intentional and focusing on gratitude. I learned that I still struggle with how to let go of other people’s problems, but I am getting better with my communication. I still avoid conflict and times and avoid speaking up, but I am learning and growing. I learned that I am more confident than I used to think, and my empathy and observant behavior can be honed and used for good. I learned that it is always better to trust your gut and stay quiet about certain things with certain people, as not everyone has the best intentions or wishes for you. I learned that how people talk to you/treat you has a lot more to do with them than it does with you- it’s best not to take anything personal or make assumptions. I’ve learned that it’s best to stay out of gossip and drama if you want a more stress-free life. I’ve learned to trust my gut about certain feelings, because it turns out that I know more than I think. I also learned that I do have a relationship with the universe that thrives the more effort I put in, and it gives a sense of peace.

4. What are the things you want to stop doing and not bring into 2024?

Doubting myself. Talking myself out of trying things. Participating in low-vibe conversations: gossip, drama, etc. Putting off my dreams and losing site of my priorities. Caring about what other people think and keeping quiet about things I am passionate about. Dimming my light. Feeling guilty for choosing me. Downplaying my own traumas. I want to stop eating so much fast food and inflammatory foods.

5. What do you want to continue doing?

Looking at life through a lens of love and positivity. Looking for how to learn from situations and hard times, rather than letting them consume me. Focusing on being present, taking social media breaks (I loved the one I took this year), and seeking joy. I want to continue blogging and journaling. I want to continue strengthening my faith in the universe and letting go of what no longer serves me.

6. What do you want to start doing?

I want to start consistently working out and cooking. I want to start my podcast and continue working on my book, but in a consistent way. I want to start saying yes to new things that interest me. I want to go rollerblading more. I want to have a good routine that allows me to truly dive into my self care and leaves me feeling fresh and fulfilled. I want to practice self-discipline and I want to only do nice things for people who treat me with respect. I want to live intentionally every single day, and enjoy the life that I have. I want to let go of any shame or guilt that resides within me, and let it be free, so that I can be free as well. I want to live my best life.

Wow, after going through all of those questions I feel like I’ve learned so much. I still want to go through the workbook as well so I will plan to do that before the end of the year! In the meantime, I am ready to relax and enjoy this time off with my fiancé. I am excited to close the chapter on this current job and move onto bigger and better things. I am ready to get a routine in place and finally start focusing on my health and my happiness. 2023 allowed me to slow down, observe and reflect on who I really am; 2024 is the year that I reclaim my power and completely immerse myself in it – for the good of all. Thank you<3

New Week Affirmations

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This week will be full of good news, happy feelings and consistency.

I am living intentionally; everything I do is for my highest self.

I am deserving of good health, good habits, and confidence.

I refuse to prioritize other people’s peace over my own. I am responsible for my own inner peace.

This week will bring creative ideas, confidence, and inspiration.

Life is beautiful and I am a magnet for abundance.

Love and light are present everywhere around me.

I choose to see difficult situations through the lens of love.

My empathy and sensitivities are my strengths, may they amplify my inner strength and confidence.

Morning Thoughts

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I am so tired. I just woke up from a deep sleep and I need to get up and start getting ready for another day of celebration and seeing a bunch of people. Yesterday my fiancé and I went to a family birthday party and it was really nice to see everyone, and today we will go to his parents’ house for our monthly family dinner. Before that, I have a baby shower to go to for a family friend, and even though I am exhausted at this moment, I am very excited to celebrate her today! She has been through a lot to finally have this baby, and she deserves to be celebrated!

I knew getting on a screen and starting to read or write would help me wake up, and I wanted to avoid getting on social media. I went back on as of December 1st and finally posted about our engagement, and I’ve been on it pretty consistently again. Not really Facebook, but I am back on Instagram. I have honestly noticed that I feel more irritable, but it could also be PMS- I’m just trying to observe my own habits and emotions so I can see what is best for me.

I still have been very happy and grateful though, just thinking about wedding planning and all of the fun things that are coming our way. It may be a lot to plan, but I want to keep it fun and without stress or drama. I want to be fully present for all of it and keep focused on joy, being patient and calm along the way. This is a time for love and happiness, so I intend to keep that vibe!

Alright, I need to get my ass out of bed and start this day. Wishing everyone a wonderful Sunday!

Over the Moon

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Yesterday my love and I went to our usual breakfast place to enjoy some yummy food and mimosas, and there was a special surprise in mine…A RING!! WE ARE ENGAGED! 🙌🏼😍💍✨

I am so so soooo overjoyed and still cannot believe this is real life! He did such a good job because I literally had no clue at all! I even finished the entire mimosa and still didn’t notice the ring, so he of course was freaking out, but I still was so oblivious. Finally he asked me for my orange from my mimosa and when I dumped it onto his plate he moved the orange and BOOM!

I literally was in shock. I just kept staring at it like “no way!” and “what is that?” and “who’s is that?” and he was like “who’s do you think it is?” and proceeded to tell me he wished to spend all his days with me and asked me to marry him!!!! AND OF COURSE I SAID YES!!!

At this point the waitress comes over and is like “you said yes?” and I said “Yes I did!” and she started clapping and then SO DID THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT! I was in complete shock and was just elated!! I truly did not expect that and I am still in completely awe. I’m so excited to get this wedding planned and marry my best friend! I’M A MOTHRFCKING FIANCÉ!!!

Also, because you know I love my signs from the universe, get this!!

On the way to breakfast I saw something that was my sign from the universe and I even said something outloud in the car. The car in front of us had the license plate “CJ 93111” and I looked at him and said “aw CJ 111, that’s us! It means new beginnings!” LIKE WHAT! Okay universe, I see you!!

So grateful, so happy, what a great weekend!

Chill Weekend

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Yesterday my friend and I went to a local event where they turn on all of the christmas lights in the downtown area! We got hot chocolate, I purchased a new vinyl record (Khalid: American Teen) and I showed her a couple of the shops around downtown. Although it was a little chilly, we had a great time! I always love when everyone does the countdown and then suddenly the town is bright with gorgeous, white lights!

I originally planned to drive us downtown to park, but after what felt like 30 minutes of driving around and avoiding the hundreds of people walking around I decided to call my boyfriend and asked if he could just drop us off LOL. I feel so lucky to be so close to these events sometimes, because it’s much more convenient to be dropped off than to find parking and eventually have to leave!

This weekend should be nice and chill, unlike the busy weekends ahead in December, so I’m going to soak it up and enjoy it! I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, and I hope you get the rest you need.

Open, Hopeful and Grateful. ♡

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This Thanksgiving is going to be another lowkey holiday, mainly because I just got over a cold and now my boyfriend is working through his. We don’t want to spread this to any family members so we will be staying in, enjoying each other’s company, and relaxing. My idea of relaxing is bouncing between different tasks that bring me joy, such as reading, watching Netflix/YouTube, journaling, and of course I always enjoy some cuddles with my love. I am excited for today, and honestly I am excited for this next chapter in my journey.

As I had stated before, I decided to take a social media detox this month, and I am very likely extending this into December. The reason I want to extend it is that I feel like I just now started realizing how much time I spend distracting myself from the life I want to be living. I had an appointment yesterday and I learned a harsh truth: I gained 10lbs in the last three months! Like what the fuck?! How did I do that? Of course this news upset me immediately, and I felt myself entering one of my shame cycles-but this time was different. I definitely felt overwhelmed by this information and I could tell because I started basically vomiting out this information to every person I spoke to (which I am now already laughing about so feel free to join in LOL). I found myself thinking about it alone in my car and I decided to try to switch my perspective and mindset towards this information, and I am so glad I did, because I have much more confidence in myself this time around when it comes to health journey!

I made the decision to look at this new information as a new test from the universe. I had been in this position before: years ago I had a weight-loss / ketogenic journey that resulted in me losing weight relatively quickly, but it was all fueled by shame and self-hatred. I had family, friends, and coworkers complimenting my progress as I continued to drop all the weight I had put on, but they had no idea what was truly going on. I was extremely strict with myself on this diet; I was counting my carbs daily to make sure I stayed under the 20 net carbs that was recommended to stay in ketosis, which meant I was going to lose weight/fat faster. I never let myself go past that 20 carbs, and if I did I felt like a failure and was very upset with myself. I felt like I was ruining all of my progress and took out all of this frustration on myself, sending myself into a self-loathing spiral. When I look back at this now, I don’t know how I thought that this was a healthy way of living. I mean, I couldn’t even eat an apple on this diet because that apple alone would take up my entire carb intake for the day! After a day of eating only proteins and fats, I would look in my app and realize that I only took in 600-700 calories for the entire day, but I just kept going because the weight was falling off and that was the goal I had. Once I reached my goal weight, I completely let go of the diet and it was back to old habits, and now here we are today.

That whole keto journey was a few years back, and since then I have not gone on any diets, however I do go through phases of intermittent fasting as I definitely feel an increase in energy, and I decrease in bloating- but again, I have not been consistent with that. My therapist and I have discussed my need for control and how diets/counting carbs is not a healthy thing for me to do, so I will not be doing that this time around. Instead of shaming myself into losing weight and being harsh and hateful toward myself along the way, I am looking at this as a new start and new opportunity to show myself how much I do love and care for myself. As the quote goes, my past doesn’t need me, but my future does. I know that I want children in the future, and as my friends and family like to tell me, I am going to be an “older mom,” (which I really don’t think 30-33 is “old” but whatever LOL), so if I want to be able to be active and keep up with them, I need to prioritize my health. I always say I want to be the mom who cooks healthy meals and has healthy snacks for my future family, so what better time to start practicing?

This journey already feels different because I am focus on the love I have for myself and my body. I am grateful that I can walk, that my heart beats and my lungs breathe all without me having to think about it. My body digests and knows which nutrients to hold on to, while also regenerating and replenishing cells all automatically while I just live my life. I can help my body by providing it with more fuel from proteins and vegetables, and also by decreasing the amount of sugar intake. As I can choose healthier foods, I know they will make me feel better physically and mentally. I also learned that a sedentary lifestyle leads to a lack of joy and also shorter life and more risk for injury, so as I prioritize walks on the treadmill and focus on my physical therapy stretches, I will increase my longevity and my overall happiness! As I continue to show up for my health, I will only increase the trust I have in myself.

In general, I would say I hold the belief that I don’t trust myself. I mean this in the sense that I seem to give up on myself and my goals too quickly, which always has me wondering why I don’t love myself? But when I actually sit and look back at my past, I have plenty of reasons to trust myself! I think throughout my life I spent so much time in shame and guilt that it became my default emotion, but if I continue to acknowledge and celebrate my growth and progress, that self-love mindset will become my default. When I met and fell in love with my boyfriend at the young age of sixteen, I knew that I wanted this person to be my life partner. I felt it within my bones and my soul that this relationship was worth prioritizing and this person was who I was meant to be with, so I trusted my gut. Here we are, 12 years later still growing together and loving each other every step of the way. We set goals to move into an apartment, and once we did that we made a goal to buy a home within the next two years, and we did it. We had people asking us “Why rush?” and “How old are you again?” but we trusted ourselves and have been in our beautiful townhome for over six years now. I told myself I’d finish my Associate’s Degree, and I did while we were in our apartment and I was working full-time. I told myself I’d start a blog, and I have been consistently posting in one for several years. I told myself I would be a published author, and this year I had two different poems of mine published! I literally always do what I set my mind to, and this mental/physical health journey is no different.

I have made noticeable progress in my mental health and self-love journey, and the most important thing I have learned along the way is that giving yourself grace and patience along the way is a must. When you make a mistake at work, how would you feel if your boss rubbed it in your face and told you how stupid you were for messing up? You’d likely feel shameful and embarrassed and likely wouldn’t even feel motivated or worthy of trying again. Now imagine if your boss took you aside and showed empathy, explaining that they have also made this mistake and it is not that big of a deal. You’d likely feel seen and encouraged, you may even feel more motivated to do better and find solutions. In life, you are your own boss! The way you treat yourself and speak to yourself directly impacts your performance. So, as my own boss, I have decided to promote myself to a level of life where I love and care about myself, and I live a life that reflects that. I am very excited for this next chapter, and although I may stumble along the way as normal humans do, I know that I will focus on the progress and continue to work towards my goals. I am forever grateful for this life I live. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. ♡