I’ve always had this feeling that I am meant for “more.” I have always felt that my words could reach many people and inspire them to live their best, happiest lives, even though the self-improvement category itself has millions of authors and podcasters already. I’ve always dreamed of writing a book and starting a podcast, because I was able to improve my own life with the help of therapy and consuming this very content that I wish to create. But why do I feel the need to spread the word? Is this really for the good of all and helping others, or am I feeding a need for validation that I was constantly seeking throughout childhood? Do I actually crave the spotlight when I have been doing so well at hiding from it my entire life? Do I feel the need to “fix” and “help” people, because I didn’t feel like anyone was there to do that for me as a kid? I’m just going to journal out some thoughts and see if I can get clarity to any of these questions.

From my current perspective, I can acknowledge that I had a traumatic childhood when it came to my home/family life. My parents were functioning alcoholics that seemed to hate each other based on the profane words they screamed at each other every night. I was overly sheltered and controlled, all while my parents were most certainly out of control. As I grew into my teenage years, I started recognizing how abnormal my family situation was, and this is where the anger inside grew. I never rebelled in my opinion, but I did start to have a pretty smart-ass attitude due to the fact that I was not allowed to have the same big emotions that my parents had. I remember being upset about something and my dad mocking me by saying “awwww why don’t you go slit your wrists.” He felt that I was overly dramatic… I wonder where I got it from.

That was a very small blip of the kind words I heard directed towards me, but all to say that I had a lot of anger and self-worth issues within me. Once I moved out of their apartment and into my own with my boyfriend, I thought all my issues would be gone. In my head, I knew that clearly my parents were the problem, so I was confused when my anxiety and anger issues did not dissipate, instead they started to eat me alive. I felt so much shame, and I started taking the anger out on myself in my mind. I repeated phrases I heard from my father repeatedly inside my head. “Dumbass.” “You’re not gonna make it on your own.” “You’re so dramatic.” “You’re the reason we fight.” I never believed any of those drunk words at home, but now as I sit in my own apartment with these uncontrollable thoughts, I can’t help but think that it must have been me the entire time. Why did I still feel like this even though I was no longer under my parents’ control? After months of constant crying and panic attacks, my fiancé finally said to me: “I think you need help.” And I knew I did. I didn’t want to feel that way every single day of my life, and I had no idea how to help myself, so I found a psychiatrist and started my journey.

I know I have talked about my medication journey and all of that before on this blog, but long story short I was not happy with my psychiatrist or the medication I was on. I ended up quitting cold turkey after my doctor refused to allow me to stop the medication, and it took a while for me to consider starting any other anti-anxiety medications again. Over the years, I found help in talk therapy, but also found a lot of help in listening to podcasters such as Jay Shetty, Mel Robbins and Gabby Bernstein. I found help in self-help books, as well as spiritual books such as The Four Agreements and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I found help in talking walks outside and focusing on play, rather than perfectionism. To this day, I am still in therapy and thanks to my doctor, I have been able to gain a better understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. I am still practicing being present and allowing myself to try new things without focusing so much on being good at whatever it is I am doing. Life isn’t about being good at everything, life is about being able to handle failure and recognizing that we are here to learn and grow constantly. I used to feel so defeated if I made a single mistake, and I would go down a shame spirals of self-loathing that took a while to dig myself out of. Now I still will have moments where I feel upset with myself or my progress, but it is much easier to pull myself out of that headspace and remind myself to give the same grace and love that I give to others to myself.

I remember how horrible it was to live in my head when it was riddled with abuse and negative self-talk. I remember feeling guilty for being sad and feeling empty when I had such a beautiful life around me. On the outside, everyone saw success, but on the inside I was dying. All of my worth came from my accomplishments and what I was doing with my life, but inside I felt less than worthy of any of it. I felt inauthentic and angry, and instead of allowing myself to just feel through the hard feelings, I kept hating them and shoving them away into a deep, dark shame hole, which only seemed to grow and consume me. It was when I finally recognized that fighting against my thoughts only made everything feel more chaotic that I started to actively just allow the thoughts to just be and then go. When I gave each of these negative thoughts the extra attention, it only made them stronger and allowed them to ruminate around and around; but once I acknowledged the thought and let it pass, it became so much calmer in my mind and body.

I prefer to have a calm mind and body. I prefer to feel control over my thoughts, rather than the other way around. I’d rather feed the positive thoughts and ruminate on good news. I’d rather see the good in the world and the lessons in the chaos, knowing that all is happening for the greatest good. I’d love a world in which we could stop hating ourselves, thus making it easier to love another, bringing peace across the world. This is a dream I have, as I can see the difference in myself and how I interact with the world around me now that I understand and love myself. I truly believe that if humans were in tune with themselves and had empathy and compassion towards others, we could have peace here on Earth. When I started this post, I was looking for an answer as to why I had these dreams to write a book and start a podcast, but that is because those are tools that can be used to assist in this large, seemingly impossible dream. I know in my heart that love always is the answer, and love is always meant to win. No matter how dark the world gets, there is light that can break through and shine brightly. The world needs more light, and the only way to achieve that dream is to do my part and spread light of my own.