Another year around the sun, my 30th one
This one feels different; mature. demure.
30 feels more settled and peaceful
30 feels like confidence; like I’m actually more than enough
30 feels how I want it to feel, because I no longer aim to please everyone around me; my only goal is to be authentically myself.
I was never meant to be everyone’s cup of tea
Nor do I actually want to be
In reality, I just want to be me
And so, this is 30
Goodbye to my 20s
I accomplished so much in this past decade
My husband & I bought our home together
We grew in our careers
We got married
I went through a whirlwind of a mental health journey, and I’m still forever learning and evolving (as we all are)
I feel like so much abundance is on the horizon
Like I’m shedding these layers of programming
My inner critic is shrinking
My inner child is happy and growing
My inner compass is aligned
My inner knowing is strong
I always had the strength – I survived through everything in the last 3 decades
I survived when I was too young to know how to- my brain / amygdala knew how to though
I lived a lot of my life in survival mode, and within the last couple years I have finally been able to feel present- I’ve cried tears of joy over just being.
Just being.
And it’s crazy to think that maybe that’s the them of 30s… just being.
No pressure.
No people pleasing.
No perfectionism.
Just authenticity and honesty.
Just being.
Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.
My people-pleasing phase has been difficult to let go of, but I can see the difference in how I feel now compared to when I was in the thick of it. I feel so much lighter, like I’m not carrying a bunch of pressure or resentment within me.
It was hard to come to the realization that people-pleasing actually has nothing to do with “pleasing” the other person, and everything to do with yourself. I thought I was saying “yes” when I meant “no” and when I signed up to help for things when I didn’t want to that I was doing a good thing. I thought that I am sacrificing my time for someone in need, because that’s what they needed, and if the roles were reversed, I may want them to help me too!
In reality though, as much as it was true that I wanted to be a helpful person, I was also doing it to avoid conflict and this only created internal conflict. I didn’t want to be responsible for disappointing someone, because deep down I already felt like a huge disappointment. This was all my perspective based on childhood issues and what not, but I know now that adults can handle disappointment and it is not my job, nor do I have the ability to control other people’s emotions.
Leaning into a place where I take time to decide whether or not I want to do something has made life so much easier for me. I used to feel tremendous guilt when I would tell people “no” or when I needed to reschedule, but now I just give myself the same grace I give to others! I was never upset when my friends had to reschedule plans or were unable to help me with something, I knew that was part of life and I didn’t hold it against them- so why was I so concerned they’d hold it against me? Or was I just holding it against myself?
I used to have pretty low self-worth, and I think that deep down I was worried about people hating me or deciding that I was a bad friend. I had that fear because that was how I was viewing myself- I didn’t like myself and I never felt like I was good enough for anyone or anything. I had a horrible, dark view of myself and I am so grateful that I can finally see myself in a lens of love and light.
It has taken years of therapy and mental re-wiring, and although I can still feel those people-pleasing tendencies pulling at me at times, I have created much stronger boundaries and a stronger sense of self, so I no longer feel guilty and eaten alive when I am choosing myself. For the longest time I put other peoples’ feelings and comfort levels before my own, but that is not a healthy life.
I am not only allowed to, but I am encouraged to express when I am feeling uncomfortable. I would never want a future daughter of mine to feel that she has to be overly polite to someone she is uncomfortable around, nor would I want her to be quiet when someone is being mean to her. I have always had an easier time standing up for my friends rather than myself, and I look at that as a huge problem. Of course it’s nice to stand up for others, but the fact that I’d do it for anyone else before myself shows that I care more about their feelings than my own.
That is not a lesson I wish to teach, nor one I wish to live by any longer. I used to worry that I’d become selfish or a narcissist if I stopped people-pleasing, but in reality, it isn’t selfish to have boundaries and self worth. I am empathetic and compassionate, but with strong boundaries, this is no longer to my own detriment. Letting go of people-pleasing was a hard phase to overcome, and I still know I’ll be learning lessons around this throughout my lifetime.
Feeling fabulous this Friday because it’s about to be the weekend! Also feeling great because day by day I am leaning into faith and just trusting that all is exactly how it should be. I can only control my mindset and my responses to the world, so that is all I can really focus on controlling. I can’t control how other people act or treat others, but I can control how much energy and attention I give to others.
I am only putting time and energy in where it is being reciprocated, and I only want to focus on what is serving me, rather than wasting time on negative sh*t. How someone acts is none of my responsibility, but if someone treats me with disrespect, it’s my right to stand up for myself. I am in an era of being as authentic as possible, and that means I’m not longer prioritizing other people’s comfort over my own.
Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.
I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?
I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.
But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.
If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.
That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.
From Dark to Light 