Doing my best to lean into faith over fear, and trusting all will work as it should. My fiancé and I are planning to be married in eight days, and there is a potential for a hurricane to strike our wedding location by the end of this week. I can only pray that the storm dissipates and never hits land, as obviously the weather is beyond my control. Regardless, we will be getting married on our 13th anniversary and that is truly what matters. I am doing what I did with the last situation and just doing my best to turn my worries over to my angels and focus on the good that is here now.
anxiety
Trusting The Universe
blogI’ve seen the signs. I’ve felt the positivity and the love. I know all is happening as it should, and all is well. Thank you.
Friday Feels
blogToday I’m off while my fiancé is at work. I’m using today to take care of my car, the groceries, and ending the afternoon with a nail appointment. Maybe I’ll finally get over my anxiety about birds swooping at me and I’ll actually take a walk in the park!
I have definitely been avoiding walks since the cicadas were all over the place, which then made the birds fly crazy all over the place… but I miss my me time just connecting with myself and nature. I know I need to get my body moving again and soak up some sunshine. I did spend a little time laying in the sun on my balcony yesterday which was much needed.
It’s so crazy to think that my fiancé and I will be husband and wife in just under three months! I’m looking forward to relaxing on our vacation together, saying our “I do’s,” and just enjoying pure, present time together away from work and regular life. We haven’t had a vacation in so long, and I just know we’re gonna have the best time.
I’ve been feeling so grateful and just going with the flow of life. Letting everything happen, making observations without attaching any feelings, and just being thankful for the genuine love around me and in my life. It’s incredible to look back and see how much both I and my fiancé have evolved over time, and that only brings me more confidence and assurance as we transition into marriage life together.
The more I move through life, the more I recognize just how important it is to follow your gut and to forget about the unavoidable, irrelevant opinions. You know you better than anyone else, which is why it is so important that we all reconnect and come home to ourselves. Constant distractions and comparisons just keep us from our own intuition, so take time to remove them and sit in the stillness with yourself.
Sit with yourself and your feelings.
Count your blessings.
Release the worries that you truly have no control over.
Be here, in the now.
Be love. Send love.
To My Younger Self (6•23•24)
blogHey little girl,
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?
I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls
You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his
You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings
You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage
You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe
You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay
You planned and you prayed
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special
A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last
You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control
You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings
You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home
Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration
Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings
Feels
blogBeen waking up a little anxious these past few days. Today is a new moon with new intentions to be set, and I’m excited to have plans with a friend after work today. I need some good conversation with someone else who is going through their own healing journey.
I know this anxiety will pass and it’s all stemming from something that happened Monday morning when I was driving to work. I had to call 911 because some man was aggressively tailgating me, and when I signaled to move off the road to let him go, he stopped his car next to me, forcing me to go back in front of him so he could continue to intimidate me and ride so close to me.
While on the call with 911 he finally swerved around me, nearly causing a head on collision with another car, and I was able to give them the license plate. They told me they were getting someone to pull him over, but I didn’t see it happen. I guess I could call for a follow up to see, but maybe that would make me more anxious if I know he’s just still out there driving my same route to work. Luckily I am fine, and I did the right thing, but my body is definitely still recovering from the stress. I just have to give it time and keep breathing and helping my nervous system.
Good morning, Wednesday
blogIt’s honestly incredible how much someone else’s energy can change ours. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, and as soon as I reached over to lay my hand on my sleeping fiancés back, it all washed away. I immediately felt relaxed and safe, as it reminded me that I am only right here in bed at this moment, next to the love of my life. Becoming grounded in the present moment often gives a sense of ease, as my intrusive thoughts tend to be about the future and losing the people I love the most. I know our time here is finite, so I use those thoughts to remind me to truly enjoy the here and now, and wrap myself in gratitude for what is. I am grateful for this life, and this love. Thank you.
Social Media
blogI got my first social media account when I was 16. I felt so behind compared to all of my friends, because I was just joining the online world of facebook for the first time, while they’ve already had years on myspace. I remember feeling excited to join, add all my friends and post pictures; it quickly became my new favorite hobby.
Being a teenager is hard as it is, so naturally I had a sassy attitude at home, but it seemed to start getting worse once I was using social media regularly. Of course I would ignore my mom when she’d tell me that and I assumed she just wanted to control me and take social media away, but once I was actually grounded from my social media/phone for a week, that is when I noticed she could be right. she had brought up to me how I seemed a lot calmer and happier, which is definitely not how a grounded teen would usually act, but I still wasn’t convinced.
After punishment was up, I was back connecting and posting my statuses with weird ass spelling that I now cringe at. I don’t know when I was allowed to then get my Instagram and Twitter, but the addiction and stress just grew from there. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but now as an adult who still uses and honestly abuses social media now, I have a better understanding of myself.
I get overwhelmed and anxious when I am consuming too much information, and social media is a cesspool for horrifying videos, images, and emotionally charged content. In general, human beings have never consumed so much traumatic information in their lives, and just do a quick google search to see what that is doing to our brains. Even the NCBI lists research to show excessive screen time is causing depression and anxiety… so is it worth it?
For me, I’ve always enjoyed pictures and cute aesthetics, so with that I had decided I could eliminate twitter and facebook. I do still have facebook go on occasionally, but Instagram is the main one I’m still on, and I debate getting off of it entirely every day, because when I take my social media breaks I noticeably feel more at peace. I feel more in tune, less rushed, and overall just happier.
With or without socials, writing has always been my passion, and I am so grateful to have my blog and journals at home so I can still write and share my writing. I’d like to take time to get back into writing for the community I joined and just get back in touch with myself. Thank you for all who take the time to read this post, and let me know if you’ve had similar experiences with social media.
Wednesday Morning
blogI’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.
I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.
I am grateful for rest and good sleep.
I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.
I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.
I am grateful for our home and our love.
Thank you for this beautiful day.
Thank you for this beautiful life.
New Moon in Taurus: A Love Letter To Myself.
blogIt’s been amazing to watch you grow into the woman you are today. A woman who is no longer afraid of her emotions. Once upon a time you wanted to completely rid herself of them, and with just a few months of Zoloft that goal was achieved. It didn’t take long for you to recognize how lost you were without them, without your powers.
The sensitivity you have to others and to the world around you is a gift when you learn how to use it, and it’s amazing to see you catching on. I see you allowing yourself to feel that childlike joy and also allowing yourself to feel the anger that you’ve been shoving away for too long. Far too long. See how the world has shifted now that you accept and embrace these feelings? No wonder you want to share this with the world.
You care so deeply for others, for humanity as a whole actually. You’ve seen and felt what pain and trauma does to one’s mental health and well being, which makes it easy to have empathy for those who are struggling. You know what it’s like to not be able to feel the true love and joys around you, and now that you can feel them, you want everyone else to be able to feel them too.
You used to let this empathy consume you; losing yourself in everyone else’s worries that they all endlessly dumped on you. You absorbed the anxieties they had and abandoned yourself for too long, completely losing track of what was yours and what wasn’t. You did all of this while trying to keep up a perfect appearance to literally everyone around you- never releasing your own problems or feelings, because they all had enough to worry about.
You always felt like a burden, which is why you made sure to always put everyone else’s happiness before your own. If other people were happy, then there was less likely to be any conflict, thus giving a feeling of safety. You were in survival mode for most of your childhood and early 20s, and I am proud of the transformation you have made through your healing journey.
You allow yourself to rest without shaming yourself about it; instead you now realize it is necessary to recharge your own battery. You are present in your life, making new memories and taking time to enjoy the time with loved ones. You no longer talk about yourself negatively, but instead with the same empathy and grace you’ve always given to others. You have recognized the importance of speaking up and being authentic, and you openly and kindly share your thoughts and opinions with those who you’re close to. You prioritize spending your time and energy with the right people, and you aren’t afraid to say “no.”
You have grown so much throughout the years, and I am so proud of who you are. You deserve peace and love, and you have it all around you and within you. You are a magical woman with a strong intuition, and you’re a magnet for miracles. I love you so much, and I’m so happy to finally be here with you in this beautiful and crazy world. I am here. I am home.
Taking the Leap.
blogLast night was a Full Moon with partial lunar eclipse. Eclipses are a powerful time, and they tend to stir up some chaos within us, and we can choose to go about this in two ways: let it consume you, or embrace it and let it heal you. I have been looking inward at some of the issues that have been coming back up to surface, as I am ready to release them and focus on what is meant for me.
I spent a lot of my life in an anxious state; I would worry about my loved ones dying suddenly, or I’d worry that I’d get a horrible car accident- really I was always on edge waiting for something horrible to happen to me or someone I loved. I struggle to have many memories as I was constantly worrying about the future that I wasn’t there to enjoy the present. I get sad when I think about all of the memories I have that I will never be able to access because I never truly soaked them in.
I have been working hard on being more present in my life, and I am proud of the progress I have made. As much as therapy and certain books have helped me along the way, I feel like stepping into my spiritual journey has also helped me to make great progress. Being able to recognize how little control I actually have over situations in my life and being able to surrender those to the universe has lifted a weight off my shoulders.
Sitting and worrying about death or health issues or natural disasters does absolutely nothing except for stress out my brain and body, and take away the ability for me to be present. Reading quotes like “if it’s out of your hands, it deserves to be free from your mind” is definitely easier said than done, but with faith in a higher power it makes it feel easier.
I feel like I turned away from God pretty young, likely because I was raised going to church and Sunday school only until I was about 8 or 9, and then it seemed like we never went or talked about God again. I don’t even know what I thought about that when I was a kid, but as I dealt with more death in life it seemed like I believed less and less in a heavenly Father. I still can’t tell you that I believe in God, but I do believe there is something bigger than us.
I can feel it in the synchronicities that I see in my every day life. I can feel it in the love that I have with my life partner. I can feel it in the connections I have with good friends. I can feel it in the gratitude I have for the wonderful people and things in my life. I can feel it in the silence when I actually sit down to mediate. I can feel it when I write.
I used to shy away from this as I always felt the need for logic and science to explain what is happening, and honestly most synchronicities can be explained by neuroscience (neuroplasticity- brain rewriting), but I can feel it in my gut that there is a higher power. The more that I think about it, I believe that power is actually love. As a collective, when we all come together for peace and love, the energy changes.
My mom often talks about after the tragedy of 9/11 how people seemed to care more about one another and actually speak to each other, rather than how we all turn away and argue today. When we are divided, we are easily manipulated and can lose control and a sense of love for one another. It’s easy to see things as black and white or red and blue, but really it’s all grey and purple. Instead of judging and assuming someone else is wrong, we should be looking for productive conversation and try to learn from one another.
Every person I’ve met has trauma, and we are all a lot more the same than we are different. I also recently heard this on a podcast and although it is obvious, it still opened my eyes: the villain and the hero both have traumatic pasts, but the choices they made after their trauma is what determined their future. I remember after seeing the Joker movie how I sympathized with his character and saw how only just some help and love could have him to create a different life- and we can all do that.
We can show compassion to one another.
We can empathize with one another.
We can listen and learn from one another.
We can help one another.
In reality, we’re all mirrors. We’re all reflections of each other, and we aren’t as different from each other as we may think we are. Stepping out of the Ego mindset and into the Soul allows for love and acceptance to flourish. When there is love, there is peace, and we all deserve both. I leaned into spirituality and will continue to do so as it has helped me to release so much fear and anxiety and has allowed me to be present to the beauty around me, and I have no shame in that.
From Dark to Light 