anxiety

Hard Decision (Prompt)

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?
View all responses

I’d say one of the hardest decisions I had to make was when I sought out help for my mental health and decided to take medication for my anxiety. I had been completely against medication for most of my life (I was 20 at the time, so this is about nine years ago), so starting it felt like I was going against my entire belief system. However, I definitely needed the assistance, as my panic attacks were so frequent that there was no way I ever would have calmed down enough to be able to rationally work on healing. I am blessed to say that after years of trying different medications and seeing different health care providers, and continuously going to therapy to this day, I have been off of medication for a couple years now.

I am glad that I was able to step out of my comfort zone and get help for myself, and I am grateful that my (now) husband was there for me through the entire journey. I am also happy that I was able to see a new perspective on these medications, because if I ever need them again in my life, I won’t be so hesitant or afraid, as I know myself and I know I have great support around me.

Sunshine and Iced Coffee

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Happy Sunday!

The sun is shining and my iced coffee was extra satisfying this morning, so no complaints here. What you focus on expands, so keep that in mind today while you let your thoughts wander. May you find beauty and peace in the most unexpected places, and may you give yourself the same love and grace you give others. Sending love and positivity to everyone this Sunday. ♡

Back to Trusting

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Doing my best to lean into faith over fear, and trusting all will work as it should. My fiancé and I are planning to be married in eight days, and there is a potential for a hurricane to strike our wedding location by the end of this week. I can only pray that the storm dissipates and never hits land, as obviously the weather is beyond my control. Regardless, we will be getting married on our 13th anniversary and that is truly what matters. I am doing what I did with the last situation and just doing my best to turn my worries over to my angels and focus on the good that is here now.

Friday Feels

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Today I’m off while my fiancé is at work. I’m using today to take care of my car, the groceries, and ending the afternoon with a nail appointment. Maybe I’ll finally get over my anxiety about birds swooping at me and I’ll actually take a walk in the park!

I have definitely been avoiding walks since the cicadas were all over the place, which then made the birds fly crazy all over the place… but I miss my me time just connecting with myself and nature. I know I need to get my body moving again and soak up some sunshine. I did spend a little time laying in the sun on my balcony yesterday which was much needed.

It’s so crazy to think that my fiancé and I will be husband and wife in just under three months! I’m looking forward to relaxing on our vacation together, saying our “I do’s,” and just enjoying pure, present time together away from work and regular life. We haven’t had a vacation in so long, and I just know we’re gonna have the best time.

I’ve been feeling so grateful and just going with the flow of life. Letting everything happen, making observations without attaching any feelings, and just being thankful for the genuine love around me and in my life. It’s incredible to look back and see how much both I and my fiancé have evolved over time, and that only brings me more confidence and assurance as we transition into marriage life together.

The more I move through life, the more I recognize just how important it is to follow your gut and to forget about the unavoidable, irrelevant opinions. You know you better than anyone else, which is why it is so important that we all reconnect and come home to ourselves. Constant distractions and comparisons just keep us from our own intuition, so take time to remove them and sit in the stillness with yourself.

Sit with yourself and your feelings.

Count your blessings.

Release the worries that you truly have no control over.

Be here, in the now.

Be love. Send love.

To My Younger Self (6•23•24)

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Hey little girl,
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?

I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls

You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his

You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings

You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage

You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe

You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay

You planned and you prayed 
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special

A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last

You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control

You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings

You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home

Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration

Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings

Feels

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Been waking up a little anxious these past few days. Today is a new moon with new intentions to be set, and I’m excited to have plans with a friend after work today. I need some good conversation with someone else who is going through their own healing journey.

I know this anxiety will pass and it’s all stemming from something that happened Monday morning when I was driving to work. I had to call 911 because some man was aggressively tailgating me, and when I signaled to move off the road to let him go, he stopped his car next to me, forcing me to go back in front of him so he could continue to intimidate me and ride so close to me.

While on the call with 911 he finally swerved around me, nearly causing a head on collision with another car, and I was able to give them the license plate. They told me they were getting someone to pull him over, but I didn’t see it happen. I guess I could call for a follow up to see, but maybe that would make me more anxious if I know he’s just still out there driving my same route to work. Luckily I am fine, and I did the right thing, but my body is definitely still recovering from the stress. I just have to give it time and keep breathing and helping my nervous system.

Good morning, Wednesday

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It’s honestly incredible how much someone else’s energy can change ours. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, and as soon as I reached over to lay my hand on my sleeping fiancés back, it all washed away. I immediately felt relaxed and safe, as it reminded me that I am only right here in bed at this moment, next to the love of my life. Becoming grounded in the present moment often gives a sense of ease, as my intrusive thoughts tend to be about the future and losing the people I love the most. I know our time here is finite, so I use those thoughts to remind me to truly enjoy the here and now, and wrap myself in gratitude for what is. I am grateful for this life, and this love. Thank you.

Social Media

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I got my first social media account when I was 16. I felt so behind compared to all of my friends, because I was just joining the online world of facebook for the first time, while they’ve already had years on myspace. I remember feeling excited to join, add all my friends and post pictures; it quickly became my new favorite hobby.

Being a teenager is hard as it is, so naturally I had a sassy attitude at home, but it seemed to start getting worse once I was using social media regularly. Of course I would ignore my mom when she’d tell me that and I assumed she just wanted to control me and take social media away, but once I was actually grounded from my social media/phone for a week, that is when I noticed she could be right. she had brought up to me how I seemed a lot calmer and happier, which is definitely not how a grounded teen would usually act, but I still wasn’t convinced.

After punishment was up, I was back connecting and posting my statuses with weird ass spelling that I now cringe at. I don’t know when I was allowed to then get my Instagram and Twitter, but the addiction and stress just grew from there. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but now as an adult who still uses and honestly abuses social media now, I have a better understanding of myself.

I get overwhelmed and anxious when I am consuming too much information, and social media is a cesspool for horrifying videos, images, and emotionally charged content. In general, human beings have never consumed so much traumatic information in their lives, and just do a quick google search to see what that is doing to our brains. Even the NCBI lists research to show excessive screen time is causing depression and anxiety… so is it worth it?

For me, I’ve always enjoyed pictures and cute aesthetics, so with that I had decided I could eliminate twitter and facebook. I do still have facebook go on occasionally, but Instagram is the main one I’m still on, and I debate getting off of it entirely every day, because when I take my social media breaks I noticeably feel more at peace. I feel more in tune, less rushed, and overall just happier.

With or without socials, writing has always been my passion, and I am so grateful to have my blog and journals at home so I can still write and share my writing. I’d like to take time to get back into writing for the community I joined and just get back in touch with myself. Thank you for all who take the time to read this post, and let me know if you’ve had similar experiences with social media.

Wednesday Morning

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I’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.

I am grateful for rest and good sleep.

I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.

I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.

I am grateful for our home and our love.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this beautiful life.