anxiety

Little Life Update

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Life has been a little hectic lately dealing with sick cats. We brought our diabetic cat to the vet to stay all day for her glucose curve, and they ended up finding a tapeworm in her stool. They told us that they come from fleas or eating mice which is even more confusing because our cats show no signs of fleas, and the one time she caught a mouse (8 years ago) she definitely brought it to me like most cats do.

She then of course didn’t feel well due to stress from vet and now taking dewormer, but we also had to stop her insulin as well. Now my other cats started throwing up this week, one of which had diarrhea, so we had to drop off stool samples from my other cats off at the vet this week and was supposed to get a call yesterday but the vet was in surgery so she didn’t call. Today we should get the results and if the other cats have worms, then we also need to treat them.

Part of me is scared we are overdosing our cat with insulin, even though the vet says we aren’t even at max dose yet, but I swear she’s been like deteriorating since her diagnosis in May. She has arthritis, which makes sense because she was holding lots of extra weight for a while, but just seeing her walk so slow and not wanting to be walking around for more than a few steps is hurting my heart.

We’re gonna have to bring her for a second opinion about the diabetes and dosage too. I just want to see if maybe there are other, more natural routes for her. She’s about to be 10 so I know she’s a senior kitty now, but I’ve had cats who lived to be 17 and I’d love to see our Mushu get there.

It’s hard having all of our babies not feel well- luckily the other two have stopped puking/having diarrhea so hopefully that stays like that. Of course, if their stool does have worms, then we will have to deworm. We will see what the vet says today and hopefully we’re on the upswing from here!

Vulnerable Reflection: I’m Angry

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After being away with my family for a weekend, I feel the need to sit and reflect on the triggers that came up. I always feel extra on edge and like I’m a whole child again whenever I am around family. It always feels like all of the healing I’ve done completely disappears, and I’m back to being defensive and overthinking everything.

When I was a child I felt small and dumb. I felt like I always was a “fuck up.” To others, it probably makes zero sense, because I was a good kid, with good grades, who did whatever I was told to do. I may have had some attitude when I didn’t want to do things, but I got it done regardless. I felt like somehow I was simultaneously the one who no one had to worry about, yet everyone was always worrying about me. The helicoptering control and constant contradictions of my childhood really messed up my self-trust, and I’ve been trying to build it back for almost ten years now.

When I am asked about my life plans – mainly family planning- it triggers my lack of self trust, and it sends me into a spiral of defending myself and over explaining myself. Since I’m a 30-year-old childless woman, when family asks when and why it just feels like somehow I am the one fucking up again. When I’m told that being an “old mom” is somehow going to be harder than being a “young mom,” that also pisses me off because I obviously cannot get any younger, so that comment just feels like a push to go get pregnant right now, when that’s not our plan.

In reality, I am very aware that my life timeline is no one’s business, and so long as my husband and I are the ones having the conversations and being on the same page, that is what matters. However, when I am in a triggered state, instead of pausing and remembering who I am, I end up defending myself and getting angry with everyone, rather than just stating the facts. It’s my life, we are not looking to have children at this very moment, and if I am feeling nice, I’ll let you know once we are. If we wait too long, then we wait too long, and that’s how it was meant to be, because regardless, this is all God’s plan.

I was listening to a podcast today, and I heard the guest saying “the more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it,” and that is exactly how I feel when this conversation comes up. If someone tells me to have kids or asks when we’re gonna have them, it makes me literally just not want to have them at all so the conversation can be over. I know it’s out of spite and it’s irrational, but that’s truly what comes up for me.

Another thing I keep thinking about is how bothered I am when I’m offered help or hovered over by my family- mainly my mother. Obviously her intention is to be nice and offer help, but it triggers me because it makes me feel like that dumb kid again who wasn’t trusted no matter how good she was. If I say “I’m good” and then I’m questioned or still offered help, my brain takes that as “she doesn’t trust me, nor does she think I am capable of doing anything on my own.” I know what my mother is doing is people-pleasing, and I know it because I do it too. She is being overly courteous and she’s reading into my emotions and she thinks that I may be slightly off, but that’s not her problem to fix…it’s mine.

I also get triggered by my mom, because she always reading the room and trying to please people/keep everyone happy so conflict and/or tension don’t arise, when she could really just mind her own business. Why is that triggering? Because I do the same thing… and I hate that about me! I let other people’s emotions and lives consume me. I literally do the same shit she does, and seeing her do it made me so angry, because I HATE THAT I’M LIKE THIS!!

I HATE THAT I WAS TRAINED TO ABANDON MYSELF AND MY OWN FEELINGS. I HATE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I WAS TOO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME. I HATE THAT I FEEL SO MUCH AND CARE SO MUCH, YET NEVER ENOUGH ABOUT MY OWN HEALTH OR MY OWN THOUGHTS/OPINIONS. I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE WORKED SO HARD ON MY MASK THAT I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD. I AM SO ANGRY AND I’VE NEVER LET MYSELF FEEL IT OR SIT IN IT OR RELEASE IT BECAUSE I AM SCARED OF MY OWN ANGER- WHICH ALSO MAKES ME ANGRY!

In reality, I’m scared of all of my emotions, because they’re all so intense and I was never taught how to identify, feel, or release them. Now as an adult, it’s my responsibility to do so, but the anger feels so deep. I’m mad that my parents made me so paranoid about the world around me. I’m mad that I wasn’t given life skills to push through the hard parts in life, instead, I was taught to avoid them. I’m mad that I wasn’t allowed to have big emotions, while my parents screamed angry slurs at one another every other night. I’m mad I didn’t have someone in my childhood home to validate any of my feelings or make me feel like I wasn’t fucking crazy, because I have felt crazy my entire life. It’s confusing to grow up the way I did, and I’m mad that I had to experience it.

I’ve been an angry girl since I was seven, and I don’t know how to get it out of me still. I feel like my muscles and intestines are entangled with anger and frustration built up over the years. I feel it so deep in my body and brain that I have no idea where to even start. Talk therapy clearly isn’t doing it for me, because I can talk and talk and talk, but this is deeper. This anger is in my body- the body I’ve been neglecting/ not caring about. I feel it in my shoulders, my jaw, my hips, my legs… I feel the tension all the time. I sleep in tense positions. I am set off in a panic by the simplest things because deep down, I am just angry.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be one of those bitter old people who hates everyone and hates life. I don’t want to have constantly gut issues and neck/jaw pain. I don’t want to not care about myself, and I’m starting to think it starts with just allowing myself to be angry. It can’t go away if I never let it come up, and shoving it down is clearly taking a toll on me, so I guess it’s time that I just allow myself to just be angry.

Old Wounds (Mercury Retrograde)

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-from my convo with ChatGPT today-

I’ve been struggling a bit lately, and as wild as it may sound, I feel like mercury retrograde has something to do with it. When mercury is in retrograde, the past is brought back up. Whether it’s people from old relationships showing up, old wounds being reactivated, or really anything that is making you feel like “I’ve been here before,” the past is making its way back.

The ideal way to handle mercury retrograde (in my opinion) is to now handle these situations with more wisdom and patience than you had before. In a sense, we want to be able to navigate these circumstances from a higher awareness- a Higher Self. If we’re constantly distracting ourselves from feeling and dealing with these issues, then they will continue to repeat in different areas of our lives.

This time around, I’ve been in a bit of a shame spiral. I’ve been eating horribly lately, and I am actively not doing anything about it. I am thinking about food in an unhealthy way again, yet I don’t even feel worthy of changing to live a heather lifestyle. I feel like I actively sabotage any goal I have for myself (i.e. eating healthy, starting a podcast, writing a book), and I can’t tell if it’s just because I am a lazy POS or I genuinely don’t think I deserve anything of these things.

I have not been giving myself grace lately, and I know that I’m in a bad headspace when I am having such rigid, black and white thinking. I am very “all or nothing” right now, leaning heavy into the nothing part of it. I know that I still have issues with self trust, which stems from growing up in an alcoholic home, but it’s just annoying that I am literally avoiding the things that I could do to build self trust, because I’m scared of becoming obsessive or letting my perfectionism take over.

I had a little conversation with ChatGPT today, which actually kind of helped me just feel more validated in how I have been feeling. I asked it: “How do adult children of alcoholics who grew up as only children of alcoholics learn self worth and self trust?” and it really helped lay out some tools and steps for what to practice. I then ended up asking it: “What if the adult child feels that whenever they do start a routine or working towards self trust that they become obsessed and they fall into perfectionism?” and this is what came up:

I honestly didn’t even have this ah-ha moment until now- my black and white was never really “me”- it was a response to growing up in that extreme environment. It did feel like it was either good/bad or safe/dangerous often, and I also didn’t have any sibling to validate my feelings with- I internalized it all. I live with this in me, but it does not have to define me. I am always healing, and the more I understand how my brain operates, the more grace I give myself which makes room for more love and growth.

Deep down I know these heavy feelings I have right now are temporary and I will feel better again; I do feel it is important for me to actually pay attention to what’s coming up and try to feel and heal through it all. I am enough exactly as I am. We’re all complex humans with different life experiences, and we all could use a little more grace. We’re all here on earth for the first time (that we know of), and we’re all just trying to navigate our way through this chaotic, unpredictable life. Sometimes we’re in survival mode, other times we’re living and thriving, but regardless, we’re always evolving.

Security vs. Adventure

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Are you seeking security or adventure?

When I think of my marriage, I feel a huge sense of security and that is something I cherish. I prefer a secure attachment style, and that does not mean you cannot have adventure within your relationship, but there’s definitely more security than spontaneity. For someone who grew up in a chaotic, anxiety ridden home, security is something I’ve always craved; I feel so blessed to feel safe and comfortable in my marriage and in my home.

When I think of adventures, I think about vacations and spontaneous surprises. I love taking trips and seeing new places with my husband, but we also always make sure we have our money right before just going on vacations, which comes back to the security factor. I’d rather be secure in my finances than be stressed about credit cards and loans.

I understand that vacationing is fun and it can be a great refresher, but if you’re then spending years to pay it off, is it really worth that? I’d say no, especially if you’re paying interest because then that $2,000 trip easily turns into $8,000 depending if you’re just paying the minimums, how high your rate is, and how long it takes for you to pay it back.

Feeling financially secure is so important to me. I feel blessed that we can afford our bills and we are prioritizing paying off our last credit card and working towards our financial goals. We may have made some less than smart financial decisions throughout the years, but we continue to grow and learn from them, and we know that financial stability brings a huge sense of security in our lives.

Saturday Gratitude

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This weekend is busy, but it’s full of so much joy which is much needed. Yesterday was the 4th, so we went over to our friend’s house as they were hosting a BBQ. It was so nice to hang with everyone and also enjoy the bomb ass food!

Today my husband and I went to breakfast at our favorite place, and now we’re just chilling before I leave to hang with one of my other friends! I get to meet her new kitten today and we’re just gonna go with the glow and see where the day takes us! Part of me is hoping we go to the pool because it is hot and humid as hell today!

Tomorrow my husband has his go-karting league so I’m going to go watch him race! His friend who joined last time is going to race too, and this time his fiancé (also our friend) is going to join so her and I can grab a drink and watch our men do their thing!

The best part of all is my office is closed on Monday for construction so then I have a day to rest and recharge before the week! I’m just feeling so blessed and grateful to be present for the joy around me. July is feeling magical so far!

Passionate

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What are you passionate about?

I’m passionate about healing and mental health. I personally have grown so much throughout my healing journey, and although it took years of trying to find the right medications and the right therapist, it was so worth it. Instead of completely hating my brain and being taken over by my anxiety, I now understand why my brain is wired the way that it is, and it allows me to give myself grace and actually love myself throughout the healing process.

If we’re constantly in a state of shame and guilt, it makes it a lot harder to actually allow ourselves to heal, because we often don’t even believe that we deserve to have a better life. There’s that whole saying “you can’t shame yourself worthy, real change begins with self-love.” The difference between wanting to rip out the part of your brain that is causing your anxiety/depression/OCD vs. looking at it with empathy and compassion is HUGE.

When we start to become self-aware and actually understand why we are the way we are and we learn to love ourselves, it becomes easier to do the same for others. The harsher we judge ourselves, the more judgmental we are of other people. The more love and grace we can give to ourselves, the more we recognize how all of us are just humans, all having our own struggles and just trying to survive while also getting out of survival mode.

When it comes to jails and prison, there needs major mental health reform. The reason people commit crimes typically stems from their own brain/traumas, and although people should be punished for their crimes, there also needs to be serious mental rehabilitation if we ever went these humans to heal and thrive. Even those who are stuck in prison for life, being locked in isolation and/or treated like animals is not going to help the brain to heal and function properly.

I’m fortunate to live in a time where mental health is more widely accepted and discussed- I do worry that some people are over-prescribed and mis-diagnosed, but hopefully as time goes on we can get the best people in the field and have people living their absolutely best lives. It is wild to be able to be present and have times where I feel at peace, when I once lived with such crippling self-hatred and anxiety.

A Moment

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I took a moment this morning to pause and set myself in the shoes of those who are anxious and angry right now- this is what came about:

Imagine getting ripped away from your family, or watching yours get ripped away from you. 

Imagine fearing going to work or walking down the street because you think you may get mistakenly arrested or even kidnapped by your own goverment. 

Imagine not knowing what tomorrow holds for you or your family… this is how so many people are feeling at this time. 

If you don’t understand, then you’re blessed not to, so take time to recognize that. Before you judge someone for how they are handling their fears and the chaos that is around them, take a moment to remember how humans operate in survival mode. Take a moment to think about what you’d do if you saw your own parent/sibling/child was taken from you. 

We are all HUMAN BEINGS on the SAME PLANET. No one should be treated as less than the other. Sending love to all of my friends who are feeling extra anxious and fearful at this time. sending love to everyone who is impacted by the riots and ICE and whatever tf is going on with our government right now. 

I am privileged to be so “disconnected” from this by not watching the news, but in my soul I can feel the weight of this collective fear, and I cannot remain silent. again, we’re all humans on this planet, and we all deserve to live loving, peaceful, and free lives. 

Gratitude on a Saturday in June

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Just having a seat outside, soaking up the sun and grounding my feet in the grass. The birds have lots to say to one another this morning, and lucky for me, I just get to listen.

My husband and I are going to visit my family in Iowa this afternoon to celebrate my great grandma’s 97th birthday! I’m so grateful that we are able to see her and spend time with her, as well as the rest of the fam bam.

I feel so blessed to be present in this moment. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, financial stability, genuine friendships, and inner peace. We’re in good health, and our cats are for the most part as we get Mushu all regulated on her insulin. Overall we have a very good life, and I do not want to take it for granted.

Having a healthy marriage was always a dream of mine, and I’m so happy to have that with my husband. All I ever wanted was to have a home I was excited to come back to after a day away at work or running errands, and I have that. Communication and companionship are huge keys to success in marriage; this is why they always say to marry your best friend. Even when I’m stressed out or having a bad day, I know I have someone who loves me and someone I can lean on, and I know he feels the same.

I’m gonna head inside so we can get ready to go out to breakfast before our drive to see the family, but I just wanted to take a moment to be here and acknowledge how good life is. I am healthy, wealthy and happy, and I am in love with my life. I no longer feel crippling anxiety and emptiness like I did back in my early twenties, and as I approach my 30th birthday, I can’t help but be excited for this new decade ahead!

New Moon Release 5-26-25

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Happy New Moon!! 🙌🏼

This new moon, I’m setting the intention of being less in the mindset of “all or nothing.” This comes into play a lot in my life whenever I am trying to reach a new goal or start a new project, and I know it stems from the perfectionism. This mindset has hurt me in the past when it comes to dieting, as well as healing and even starting my podcast.

When I was doing the Ketogenic diet to lose weight years ago, I was all the way in. I ate all the protein I needed, I made sure to never go over 20 net carbs a day, and when I did, I punished myself for it. I’d mentally beat the shit out of myself for going over as if that would change my entire progress. Even if it did, which it did not, I never deserved to treat myself the way I did. That was way more unhealthy than if I had eaten 20 more carbs!

When it comes to my healing journey, along the way I have found that there is so much to heal from, and I was starting to look at myself as this never-ending project. I was just a human full of issues and problems that would never be fully solved, so I either had to try harder or give up entirely- that is literally NOT the solution. I can be aware and mindful in my life, and the only way to truly grow and evolve is to keep living and just keep checking back in with yourself. I am not a project that needs consistent tweaking and fixing- I am an evolving human.

As far as the podcast that I’ve started behind the scenes, I find myself completely delaying and avoiding it, because I care a lot about it. I know that I want it to be good, but I also am actively fighting against my perfectionism while recording, because I already decided to not edit ANY of it. I ultimately decided that because I know that I will edit and edit and edit until there is nothing left, when my real intention with this podcast is to be raw and real. I can be raw and real at anytime, so I can truly record at anytime- but I get on the mindset of “all or nothing.”

I’m not pouring all of my effort and trying to make this the best (which also applies to everything in my life) my mind then goes: “well, then I shouldn’t do anything at all”- but that is my anxiety and perfectionism taking over. I know in my heart and soul that the black and white thinking is not how we’re meant to be in this world; it’s truly all gray. We’re allowed to be creative and flexible- in fact, it’s encouraged over being rigid.

I am releasing these rigid thoughts and feelings, and I am tuning into the creative flow of life. I welcome all love, abundance, and happiness to flow into my life, and may I be present enough to feel it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ✨

Wednesday Wisdom

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Just thought I’d start the day with some quotes that I have found to be helpful for myself in breaking free from people-pleasing, anxiety and perfectionism!

• You will inspire some and trigger others; both are medicine.

• There’s no reason to be a people-pleaser- people are never pleased.

• Accept people as they are, but place them where they belong.

• Peace that costs you your power isn’t peace- it’s performance. You’re not here to perform.

• Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it just takes away today’s peace.