Wandering

I feel like my mind is constantly wandering trying to find new interests and hobbies. I feel like even though I didn’t do much before quarantine, I need to do things now to keep me going. But at the same time, I feel such a lack of motivation because I always give up on everything that I try. I never stick with anything and it drives me insane (especially because I know I’m the only one who can change that).

To be honest I need to give myself a little credit, because both Yesterday and Saturday I did at-home workouts. And then today I went on not one, but two walks! I told myself I wanted to work our more so I actually started doing something about it. I just really know myself and I know how I always give up on things, so I’m hoping I can get passed that somehow this time around.

I want to start writing poetry again, but I haven’t felt motivated or inspired lately. I sometimes wonder if taking anxiety medication hinders my ability to write because I always loved writing when I was in a bad state of mine (aka high anxiety or depression). My anxiety medication has definitely helped me a lot, but I hope to one day come off of it.

Bring on September

I feel like August flew by so quickly, then again this whole year has felt like one huge blur so far. All the days seem mixed together and I have been so unmotivated. Luckily I have had a couple fun and busy weekends these last two weeks so I feel like it’s bringing me back, so I am ready to see what September brings!

I know September brings my best friends birthday, and one of my other good friends has her bridal shower shortly after that. Part of me doesn’t like being so busy and having to spend all this money at once, but also I need to live my life and I want to spend time with my good friends who make me happy!

I hope September brings good news and happy times for everyone; I feel like we all need it.

Tuesday post (whoops!)

I’m exhausted, but I need to post because I forgot to post the last two days and I am feeling so many things right now but am also too lazy to organize my thoughts or even type them all out. At this point I just feel like sleeping to escape from everything,

Work has been the easy part of life, even with it being a bit overwhelming at times. Now I’m just overwhelmed by my actual life, as I am in three weddings within the next year (pending Covid crap), and although I am excited and happy for my friends I’m just worried about losing myself again- I already feel like I am in a way.

I don’t even know how to explain it, I just feel off right now. I feel like I forget how to dedicate time to myself and I start neglecting myself when big things are happening for my friends. I start to feel what they feel on top of my own normal life stress, and then I exhaust myself.

I know that I can fix the self-care aspect of this… I just need to care about myself a little more. This tends to happen when I get lost in everything else going on around me. I just need to learn how to balance life a bit better and I need to be more self-disciplined when it comes to getting my ass out of bed to workout or stretch or write or do something for myself.

I honestly didn’t even want to write when I started this blog post, and I ended up writing more than I thought I would, and I even feel a little better than I did when I started. I guess I need to have a little more faith in myself.

Nature calls, maybe?

Sometimes I wonder if I’d genuinely be happier living near a body of water, whether the ocean or a lake or even a huge pond. I just feel like knowing that I have that opportunity to escape to the calm waters right in my backyard would give me a sense of peace. Of course I’d have to purchase a paddle board and/or kayak, but I think this is something I definitely need.

I absolutely love going on walks/hikes and just being outside soaking up the sun. I love that I can still do all of these things even with the virus crap going on, and I hope that doesn’t change. Of course I’m upset that pools aren’t open, but if I was closer to water I’d probably complain less LOL. I did go on a walk today which was nice, I just feel like I need to go travel to new places and explore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do and any hobbies I can get into, and I have been struggling. I do like the idea of it being physically beneficial, such as actually going on hikes and/or taking yoga classes. However I also like the idea of it being self-reflective such as writing/singing. The only person stopping me is myself, I just am not feeling super passionate about anything right now. I feel happy though, which is a good thing.

Monday post again

Today was definitely a Monday…

I’m still enjoying the new job, but today the other front desk girl didn’t come in and she told the office coordinator via text that she had a doctors appointment this morning and would let her know how the appointment went when it was done. So after a couple hours she hadn’t reached out to anyone and she wasn’t responding to messages so we don’t know if she’s coming back at all.

Me, being the anxious person that I am, have this whole scenario in my head that she had an emergency appointment to go to and then had to have emergency surgery or something (because she obviously wouldn’t have her phone). Meanwhile, the office coordinator and other employees just assume she’s done because she still lives with her parents and has no bills and just works for “fun money.” Honestly, I hope they’re right in this case!

The other issue I have with this though is I worked with this girl on Friday and she was talking about working future weekends with me and told me she’d she me on Monday. I also didn’t get any bad vibes from her and I really did think she had a good sense of work ethic, but the OC doesn’t think so. To be fair she has known her way longer, I just can’t believe how off my radar is. I usually am very good about reading people.

There’s no point in dwelling on it now though, I’m sure we will hire someone soon and get them trained and everything will be okay soon enough. For now I will just work the overtime and enjoy my paychecks. I hope everyone is having a great Monday evening.

Fresh Start

Tomorrow I start my new job, and I’m honestly pretty excited. This week I will have a couple days where I’ll have extra time for myself before work and then I’m off on Friday which happens to be my birthday! I’m having a few good friends over on Saturday after work (I’ll work 8-2pm) to celebrate and I’m looking forward to it!

I just ordered some balloons and decorations off of amazon because I just feel like being a little extra this time, I am turning 25 and we haven’t been able to really party at all this year so I want to make it fun! I’m ready to just let loose and celebrate fresh starts with my close friends.

Today has been a nice day spent with the love of my life. We had a personal training session together this morning which was great! We spent the rest of the day just hanging around the house- we even took a nap together. I can already tell this is going to be a great week- I’m willing it into existence now (hopefully LOL). I hope everyone else has a wonderful week!

Monday post

I didn’t post yesterday, but it was an overall decent day. I went to breakfast with my mom, aunt and uncle and went over to meet my aunt’s new kittens! After that I went back home and did an at-home workout and spent most of the rest of the day with my boyfriend.

I start my new job next Monday and I am honestly pretty excited! I will have more mornings to myself which I plan to dedicate to working out and practicing self-care. I will have more time for myself overall and I need to take care of my overall health.

Fresh starts are always a little nerve-wracking, but at least at this time I am not feeling very nervous. I feel relieved knowing I am stepping into an organized environment and it is properly staffed so I shouldn’t have 8 million things on my plate at every given moment. Even if I do, there are set procedures in place and an office manager that has been there for over ten years who should be able to help if I need it.

My last day at my current job is this Thursday, unless of course I get angry and leave sooner. My boss is really pushing me and I know she’s doing it on purpose, but I want to help the other staff as much as I can while I’m still here. She can keep sending me home early and giving me the silent treatment, I only have a couple more days to deal with it anyways.

New week

Well, this week should be interesting. Tomorrow is the start of my last two weeks at this job, and I plan to help the employees there and patients as much as I can in these next two weeks. Hopefully the doctor just leaves me alone to do my job.

If I am treated poorly or unfairly during my time, then I will gladly leave sooner. I am hopeful that things just go smoothly and I don’t have any unnecessary anxiety this week. I can’t wait to work in a less stressful environment with less overall pressure on me everyday.

I think the hardest part will be trying my best not to let everyone else’s emotions have an effect on me and really just setting firm boundaries. I’m done coming home from work completely exhausted and ready to go right to bed. I need time for myself and time to spend work my boyfriend.

We will see if I end up writing at all in the middle of this week- if I don’t then I will upset next Sunday. Until then I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Glad it’s over

After several months of puking daily, being extremely stressed, and dealing with emotional abuse..I finally put in my two weeks to my boss yesterday. It didn’t go very great, which was expected, but I was a little shocked at how unprofessional she was. However, at the same time this is exactly why I’m leaving.

Quitting this job was a very tough decision for me to make, especially because I am very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes and I know how much I do for the office. But I’ve been throwing up every morning before work for several months, and my anxiety is completely out of control. Whenever I talk to my therapist (which I am super excited to talk to her next Friday) we always talk about how toxic she is and my work environment is and how many hours I spend there. I’ve been so depressed lately and I can’t handle her constant outbursts.

When I gave her my resignation letter I was obviously nervous and I knew she would be upset, but I had to do it and I waited for everyone else to be out of the office. She told me that she wished I would have told her sooner that I was unhappy (even though she knew I was throwing up because we talked about it more than once). She also said I know she’s losing one of her assistants in August and another is going on maternity leave in October and that it’s going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks (which is hard, but I have to do what’s best for my health).

I told her I had no ill intentions, even though she is literally the reason I’m leaving, and she said that she wouldn’t have paid me all that overtime if I didn’t want it and that she’s just “so nice to everyone” and everyone just screws her over. She is clearly delusional because she is NOT a nice person. She has literally yelled at me on multiple occasions for simply doing my job! I was entering insurance checks at 7:30am because the day before I didn’t have time to do it, and she came over asking to see them before I enter them so I started handing them to her and I let her know I set some aside because she recently came out of network with them and she just snaps and yells “I got the mail! Just let me deal with the mail!!” and stormed off.

Anyways, I also told her that I just need to work on myself and she literally said to me “Yeah, you need to work on yourself because you’re going to be your own worst doom.” I already feel that way and know that I am my own worst enemy, and her saying that to me was completely inappropriate. I am leaving in a professional manner, and two weeks is a courtesy! I’ve been there a little over a year and we have literally had eight people come and go, and before I started she literally had a new front desk person every other month for years! Maybe she should look at the common denominator.

At the end she told me to give her my keys and to “forget about Saturday,” because I was supposed to have to work tomorrow (which I’m glad I don’t have to!) and after I got home she text me that I am already at 39.77 hours for the week so not to come in today. And at work she told one of my coworkers that we (her employees) need to learn how to manage our stress. She is the one who takes out all her stress/issues on us and makes us so anxious! I’m not the only one who has thrown up at work because of anxiety! She also told my other coworker that she didn’t understand why I’m leaving because she was never bad to me.

She is clearly not very aware of her actions and how she comes across, or she’s very much in denial, but either way she needs to do some self-reflecting and this is not my issue to deal with. I have my own life and my own health to worry about. Putting in my notice and dealing with her reaction was probably one of the most stressful times in my life, and I am just glad it’s over.

So many feelings

I accepted a job offer today.

I feel a lot of things right now, but I think the feeling I hate the most is guilt. Even though I have zero reason to feel guilty, I always do. I feel guilty that my boss will be blind-sided when I give my notice, I feel guilty that so many things won’t get done around the office now and that the other employees will suffer. The thing is though… she is the reason I’m leaving.

My boss is emotionally abusive. She will have random mood swings and just stat screaming at you (even in front of patients sometimes), and then 30 minutes later act like nothing happened and everything’s fine. She will tell you to do one thing and then a month later she’ll yell at you for doing that same thing. I won’t go into other details but let’s just say I don’t enjoy lying at all in any circumstance and I feel that I am forced to do that in my job.

The new job I’m taking is actually a pay cut in regards to hourly wage, however they offer monthly bonuses which are very often achieved and I’d have other people working front desk with me and there’s a billing team who deals with all of the insurance. Honestly, it will be so worth it for my sanity and mental health to be in a place where there is organization, opportunity for growth, and a place where they try not to burn out their employees.

It was a big decision to make, and honestly I am proud of myself for doing it. I know that I am good with my money and will be able to adjust to the pay-cut, and I will be so much less stressed and depressed. All I do now is go to work and stress all day, rarely ever eat, and then I come home, eat and lay in bed and watch mindless Netflix shows. I don’t feel motivated to do much of anything until the weekends, and even then sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to do things.

I am very grateful for my friends/family/boyfriend who have been supportive throughout this and who are also proud of me for making this decision. They see what this job has done to me in the past several months and are almost as happy as I am that I will hopefully be done throwing up every morning before work.