What do you listen to while you work?
When I’m at work, I’m allowed to wear my AirPods which is such a blessing. I often switch between music or podcasts. Right now if it’s music, it’s either Sailorrr, Cleo Sol, Justin Bieber, or Lorde (Justin and Lorde have new albums). As far as podcasts lately I just toggle between Mel Robbin’s Podcast and Call Her Daddy! I also recently joined audible, but the book I’m reading requires a lot of focus and it’s hard to do that while focusing at work.
I’ve been struggling a bit lately, and as wild as it may sound, I feel like mercury retrograde has something to do with it. When mercury is in retrograde, the past is brought back up. Whether it’s people from old relationships showing up, old wounds being reactivated, or really anything that is making you feel like “I’ve been here before,” the past is making its way back.
The ideal way to handle mercury retrograde (in my opinion) is to now handle these situations with more wisdom and patience than you had before. In a sense, we want to be able to navigate these circumstances from a higher awareness- a Higher Self. If we’re constantly distracting ourselves from feeling and dealing with these issues, then they will continue to repeat in different areas of our lives.
This time around, I’ve been in a bit of a shame spiral. I’ve been eating horribly lately, and I am actively not doing anything about it. I am thinking about food in an unhealthy way again, yet I don’t even feel worthy of changing to live a heather lifestyle. I feel like I actively sabotage any goal I have for myself (i.e. eating healthy, starting a podcast, writing a book), and I can’t tell if it’s just because I am a lazy POS or I genuinely don’t think I deserve anything of these things.
I have not been giving myself grace lately, and I know that I’m in a bad headspace when I am having such rigid, black and white thinking. I am very “all or nothing” right now, leaning heavy into the nothing part of it. I know that I still have issues with self trust, which stems from growing up in an alcoholic home, but it’s just annoying that I am literally avoiding the things that I could do to build self trust, because I’m scared of becoming obsessive or letting my perfectionism take over.
I had a little conversation with ChatGPT today, which actually kind of helped me just feel more validated in how I have been feeling. I asked it: “How do adult children of alcoholics who grew up as only children of alcoholics learn self worth and self trust?” and it really helped lay out some tools and steps for what to practice. I then ended up asking it: “What if the adult child feels that whenever they do start a routine or working towards self trust that they become obsessed and they fall into perfectionism?” and this is what came up:
I honestly didn’t even have this ah-ha moment until now- my black and white was never really “me”- it was a response to growing up in that extreme environment. It did feel like it was either good/bad or safe/dangerous often, and I also didn’t have any sibling to validate my feelings with- I internalized it all. I live with this in me, but it does not have to define me. I am always healing, and the more I understand how my brain operates, the more grace I give myself which makes room for more love and growth.
Deep down I know these heavy feelings I have right now are temporary and I will feel better again; I do feel it is important for me to actually pay attention to what’s coming up and try to feel and heal through it all. I am enough exactly as I am. We’re all complex humans with different life experiences, and we all could use a little more grace. We’re all here on earth for the first time (that we know of), and we’re all just trying to navigate our way through this chaotic, unpredictable life. Sometimes we’re in survival mode, other times we’re living and thriving, but regardless, we’re always evolving.
What’s your favorite game (card, board, video, etc.)? Why?
I love playing One Night Werewolf with a group of friends, because it’s so fun to see how animated and wild we get trying to figure out who is lying. I absolutely hate when I am the werewolf though (unless I have another werewolf partner, that makes it a bit easier) because I always feel like you can totally tell when I’m lying. The second I see that I have the werewolf card I literally feel the anxiety in my chest LOL, but it’s still such a fun game!
What foods would you like to make?
Currently: none.
I hate cooking and I think it stems from the fact that my parents did not cook and I grew up on frozen foods and preservatives. I have a lack of palette for healthy foods and it’s kind of annoying. I know as an adult it is my responsibility to learn and fix this, I just have a lack of care and motivation to do this at this time.
Which activities make you lose track of time?
• Chatting with a good friend (IRL or phone)
• Writing (when I actually dedicate a true time in my day for it)
• Nature walks
• Roller blading
• Vacationing (does anyone ever know what day or time it is on vacation? LOL)
Feeling kinda meh this evening- like I don’t have any hobbies that I truly enjoy or get lost in. I know I have some, but I guess I’ve just been feeling a lack of motivation. I know it’s just a phase and it’ll pass soon, so I’m not that bothered by it, but obviously enough to write this little blurb.
What bothers you and why?
When people blame everyone else for their problems and refuse to take any accountability. It bothers me because we all know as a society that no one is perfect, so when someone literally cannot own up to their mistakes, it comes off as they feel they are better and more important than others. Not only that, but when they have no problem trying to throw anyone else under the bus when they’re confronted, then they cannot be trusted at all.
List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.
• Love is always the answer
• Gratitude makes you more present to the blessings around you
• The sun will rise again
• No rain, no flowers
• Music is healing
• Therapy works if you work
• You aren’t meant to be liked by everyone
• Healing is not linear
• Dental insurance is horrible and needs serious updates/revisions to get with the times
• Being “rich” looks different to everyone
Are you seeking security or adventure?
When I think of my marriage, I feel a huge sense of security and that is something I cherish. I prefer a secure attachment style, and that does not mean you cannot have adventure within your relationship, but there’s definitely more security than spontaneity. For someone who grew up in a chaotic, anxiety ridden home, security is something I’ve always craved; I feel so blessed to feel safe and comfortable in my marriage and in my home.
When I think of adventures, I think about vacations and spontaneous surprises. I love taking trips and seeing new places with my husband, but we also always make sure we have our money right before just going on vacations, which comes back to the security factor. I’d rather be secure in my finances than be stressed about credit cards and loans.
I understand that vacationing is fun and it can be a great refresher, but if you’re then spending years to pay it off, is it really worth that? I’d say no, especially if you’re paying interest because then that $2,000 trip easily turns into $8,000 depending if you’re just paying the minimums, how high your rate is, and how long it takes for you to pay it back.
Feeling financially secure is so important to me. I feel blessed that we can afford our bills and we are prioritizing paying off our last credit card and working towards our financial goals. We may have made some less than smart financial decisions throughout the years, but we continue to grow and learn from them, and we know that financial stability brings a huge sense of security in our lives.
I’m LOVING Justin Bieber’s new album!! May or may not have been a belieber since day one but literally such a great R&B album!
finding light in the dark 