people pleasing

Vulnerable Reflection: I’m Angry

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After being away with my family for a weekend, I feel the need to sit and reflect on the triggers that came up. I always feel extra on edge and like I’m a whole child again whenever I am around family. It always feels like all of the healing I’ve done completely disappears, and I’m back to being defensive and overthinking everything.

When I was a child I felt small and dumb. I felt like I always was a “fuck up.” To others, it probably makes zero sense, because I was a good kid, with good grades, who did whatever I was told to do. I may have had some attitude when I didn’t want to do things, but I got it done regardless. I felt like somehow I was simultaneously the one who no one had to worry about, yet everyone was always worrying about me. The helicoptering control and constant contradictions of my childhood really messed up my self-trust, and I’ve been trying to build it back for almost ten years now.

When I am asked about my life plans – mainly family planning- it triggers my lack of self trust, and it sends me into a spiral of defending myself and over explaining myself. Since I’m a 30-year-old childless woman, when family asks when and why it just feels like somehow I am the one fucking up again. When I’m told that being an “old mom” is somehow going to be harder than being a “young mom,” that also pisses me off because I obviously cannot get any younger, so that comment just feels like a push to go get pregnant right now, when that’s not our plan.

In reality, I am very aware that my life timeline is no one’s business, and so long as my husband and I are the ones having the conversations and being on the same page, that is what matters. However, when I am in a triggered state, instead of pausing and remembering who I am, I end up defending myself and getting angry with everyone, rather than just stating the facts. It’s my life, we are not looking to have children at this very moment, and if I am feeling nice, I’ll let you know once we are. If we wait too long, then we wait too long, and that’s how it was meant to be, because regardless, this is all God’s plan.

I was listening to a podcast today, and I heard the guest saying “the more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it,” and that is exactly how I feel when this conversation comes up. If someone tells me to have kids or asks when we’re gonna have them, it makes me literally just not want to have them at all so the conversation can be over. I know it’s out of spite and it’s irrational, but that’s truly what comes up for me.

Another thing I keep thinking about is how bothered I am when I’m offered help or hovered over by my family- mainly my mother. Obviously her intention is to be nice and offer help, but it triggers me because it makes me feel like that dumb kid again who wasn’t trusted no matter how good she was. If I say “I’m good” and then I’m questioned or still offered help, my brain takes that as “she doesn’t trust me, nor does she think I am capable of doing anything on my own.” I know what my mother is doing is people-pleasing, and I know it because I do it too. She is being overly courteous and she’s reading into my emotions and she thinks that I may be slightly off, but that’s not her problem to fix…it’s mine.

I also get triggered by my mom, because she always reading the room and trying to please people/keep everyone happy so conflict and/or tension don’t arise, when she could really just mind her own business. Why is that triggering? Because I do the same thing… and I hate that about me! I let other people’s emotions and lives consume me. I literally do the same shit she does, and seeing her do it made me so angry, because I HATE THAT I’M LIKE THIS!!

I HATE THAT I WAS TRAINED TO ABANDON MYSELF AND MY OWN FEELINGS. I HATE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I WAS TOO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME. I HATE THAT I FEEL SO MUCH AND CARE SO MUCH, YET NEVER ENOUGH ABOUT MY OWN HEALTH OR MY OWN THOUGHTS/OPINIONS. I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE WORKED SO HARD ON MY MASK THAT I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD. I AM SO ANGRY AND I’VE NEVER LET MYSELF FEEL IT OR SIT IN IT OR RELEASE IT BECAUSE I AM SCARED OF MY OWN ANGER- WHICH ALSO MAKES ME ANGRY!

In reality, I’m scared of all of my emotions, because they’re all so intense and I was never taught how to identify, feel, or release them. Now as an adult, it’s my responsibility to do so, but the anger feels so deep. I’m mad that my parents made me so paranoid about the world around me. I’m mad that I wasn’t given life skills to push through the hard parts in life, instead, I was taught to avoid them. I’m mad that I wasn’t allowed to have big emotions, while my parents screamed angry slurs at one another every other night. I’m mad I didn’t have someone in my childhood home to validate any of my feelings or make me feel like I wasn’t fucking crazy, because I have felt crazy my entire life. It’s confusing to grow up the way I did, and I’m mad that I had to experience it.

I’ve been an angry girl since I was seven, and I don’t know how to get it out of me still. I feel like my muscles and intestines are entangled with anger and frustration built up over the years. I feel it so deep in my body and brain that I have no idea where to even start. Talk therapy clearly isn’t doing it for me, because I can talk and talk and talk, but this is deeper. This anger is in my body- the body I’ve been neglecting/ not caring about. I feel it in my shoulders, my jaw, my hips, my legs… I feel the tension all the time. I sleep in tense positions. I am set off in a panic by the simplest things because deep down, I am just angry.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be one of those bitter old people who hates everyone and hates life. I don’t want to have constantly gut issues and neck/jaw pain. I don’t want to not care about myself, and I’m starting to think it starts with just allowing myself to be angry. It can’t go away if I never let it come up, and shoving it down is clearly taking a toll on me, so I guess it’s time that I just allow myself to just be angry.

Chapter 30

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Another year around the sun, my 30th one

This one feels different; mature. demure.

30 feels more settled and peaceful

30 feels like confidence; like I’m actually more than enough

30 feels how I want it to feel, because I no longer aim to please everyone around me; my only goal is to be authentically myself.

I was never meant to be everyone’s cup of tea

Nor do I actually want to be

In reality, I just want to be me

And so, this is 30

Wednesday Wisdom

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Just thought I’d start the day with some quotes that I have found to be helpful for myself in breaking free from people-pleasing, anxiety and perfectionism!

• You will inspire some and trigger others; both are medicine.

• There’s no reason to be a people-pleaser- people are never pleased.

• Accept people as they are, but place them where they belong.

• Peace that costs you your power isn’t peace- it’s performance. You’re not here to perform.

• Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it just takes away today’s peace.

Why Do I Think I Am Incapable Of Doing Things?

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I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.

I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.

So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.

Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.

I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.

After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.

Goodbye People-Pleasing

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Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

My people-pleasing phase has been difficult to let go of, but I can see the difference in how I feel now compared to when I was in the thick of it. I feel so much lighter, like I’m not carrying a bunch of pressure or resentment within me.

It was hard to come to the realization that people-pleasing actually has nothing to do with “pleasing” the other person, and everything to do with yourself. I thought I was saying “yes” when I meant “no” and when I signed up to help for things when I didn’t want to that I was doing a good thing. I thought that I am sacrificing my time for someone in need, because that’s what they needed, and if the roles were reversed, I may want them to help me too!

In reality though, as much as it was true that I wanted to be a helpful person, I was also doing it to avoid conflict and this only created internal conflict. I didn’t want to be responsible for disappointing someone, because deep down I already felt like a huge disappointment. This was all my perspective based on childhood issues and what not, but I know now that adults can handle disappointment and it is not my job, nor do I have the ability to control other people’s emotions.

Leaning into a place where I take time to decide whether or not I want to do something has made life so much easier for me. I used to feel tremendous guilt when I would tell people “no” or when I needed to reschedule, but now I just give myself the same grace I give to others! I was never upset when my friends had to reschedule plans or were unable to help me with something, I knew that was part of life and I didn’t hold it against them- so why was I so concerned they’d hold it against me? Or was I just holding it against myself?

I used to have pretty low self-worth, and I think that deep down I was worried about people hating me or deciding that I was a bad friend. I had that fear because that was how I was viewing myself- I didn’t like myself and I never felt like I was good enough for anyone or anything. I had a horrible, dark view of myself and I am so grateful that I can finally see myself in a lens of love and light.

It has taken years of therapy and mental re-wiring, and although I can still feel those people-pleasing tendencies pulling at me at times, I have created much stronger boundaries and a stronger sense of self, so I no longer feel guilty and eaten alive when I am choosing myself. For the longest time I put other peoples’ feelings and comfort levels before my own, but that is not a healthy life.

I am not only allowed to, but I am encouraged to express when I am feeling uncomfortable. I would never want a future daughter of mine to feel that she has to be overly polite to someone she is uncomfortable around, nor would I want her to be quiet when someone is being mean to her. I have always had an easier time standing up for my friends rather than myself, and I look at that as a huge problem. Of course it’s nice to stand up for others, but the fact that I’d do it for anyone else before myself shows that I care more about their feelings than my own.

That is not a lesson I wish to teach, nor one I wish to live by any longer. I used to worry that I’d become selfish or a narcissist if I stopped people-pleasing, but in reality, it isn’t selfish to have boundaries and self worth. I am empathetic and compassionate, but with strong boundaries, this is no longer to my own detriment. Letting go of people-pleasing was a hard phase to overcome, and I still know I’ll be learning lessons around this throughout my lifetime.

last night

Most Happy (prompt)

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When are you most happy?

When my husband and I are both feeling healthy and we don’t have any set plans for an entire weekend, that makes me happy. I love not feeling rushed or like I’m restricted to any schedule, and I enjoy the peace of it all- even if some find that peace to be boring.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my nervous system was so dysregulated for so long, and I used to be extremely uncomfortable when it was time to be calm.

I’d never allow myself to relax, I looked at rest as a privilege rather than a necessity, and I just constantly burned myself out with never-ending to-do lists. Now that I have recognized the importance of rest and I have become more regulated, I absolutely love “boring” weekends.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love connecting and conversing with good friends as well. I find that Face-timing or spending times with friends fills my heart with love and typically boosts my energy-there’s just something about a weekend at home with my life-partner that allows for a full re-charge, and just keeps my heart so full.

yesterday evening

Lessons

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Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

If there’s anything I wish I would have learned or known earlier, it’s that I should be keeping my own peace, not everyone else’s. I didn’t need to stay sheltered away, hiding my true feelings and thoughts as a way to make sure I never made anyone else feel uncomfortable. I didn’t need to keep saying “yes” to things out that I really wanted to say “no” to, because a fake yes is really just a resentful one, and no one wants that either.

I wish I had recognized just how toxic “people-pleasing” was, because in reality, it’s manipulative and completely inauthentic. It makes so much sense to me now, and I see how avoiding potential conflict just delays having any sort of meaningful conversations and connections. I also see how wild it is to put so much on your plate to be “helpful” for others, just to burn out and feel resentful when, in reality, you didn’t have to help in the first place.

It’s much better to be open and honest if you want to create and true friendships/relationships. It’s important to be mindful and intentional with our words, and that does include saying how we feel and sharing our own opinions so that we can authentically connect with others. If you share your true self with someone and they don’t like it, now you both have the ability to decide if it is a relationship worth keeping.

I never needed to deny my own gut feelings or opinions, I have always been allowed to share them. I know in the past I struggled a lot more with self-worth, so it was much harder to deal with the thought of losing a friendship. Now, as I have been healing and learning more about myself, I’d rather have real friends who truly know and support the real me.

I know who I am and how much I care about others, and I know that my close connections deserve to know the real me. I now am able to say “no” to things without feeling guilty, I am able to express an opinion that could be rough to hear and not be worried or afraid, because I know I am being true to myself.

I am an open-minded person, and I am able to empathize, but I also have to have boundaries to remain healthy. It has been quite a journey, but I vow to myself that I will no longer dim my own light or make myself small for the sake of “keeping the peace.” Instead I will focus on keeping my own peace, and that means being completely honest and authentic.

Prompt:

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Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

There is a quote I read for the first time a couple years ago that I still often think of; I even have an image of it as a widget on my phone so I can see it every day. I am still unable to find who said this quote, but is as follows:

“You will inspire some, and trigger others. Both are medicine.”

As a recovering people pleaser, this quote almost felt like it gave me permission to just be. I always knew the whole “you can’t please everyone,” quote, but this one hit my soul in a different way.

On the Upswing

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I am finally feeling about 95% better with my back! I was able to enjoy the 4th with my best friend and her son; we went to the farmers market and then swam at the pool in town for a few hours which honestly felt great on my back! Apparently it was exhausting as well, because my ass fell asleep at 7:30pm! I woke up at 9:30pm to the sound of fireworks, looked out my window and watched them for a couple minutes and knocked back out.

My body has definitely been needing rest, and I am doing my best to give myself that time. I went back to the chiro yesterday and am planning to go tomorrow as well, as I want to get back to 100%! I also am going to make sure I am getting in my walks and stretching at least, as I never want to be in the pain again.

I am happy to say that I had huge weight lifted off my shoulder when it comes to my work life. I had a coworker who was really adding stress to my days at work and it was an everyday struggle with trying to be nice and tolerable at work, but feeling inauthentic because I really wanted to tell them off. This created an internal battle, because I didn’t want to make everyone at work feel uncomfortable, but I was feeling uncomfortable every day.

This person would constantly talk about everyone in the office, never minding their own business. When they were called out for mistakes, they would point fingers and blame everyone else even though they were the one who made the error. Not only that, but even though I had said multiple times that this was work relationship, they were constantly trying to make me be friends with them and try to hang out outside of work. They never take accountability, they always play the victim, and overall this person was super manipulative— and luckily this is all over now!

Something that opened my eyes when I was dealing with all this was a video my friend sent me that said “sometimes the universe will bring people into your life to simply show you what it would be like if you didn’t heal.” I immediately thought of this person and how I could even see some of past me in them. Definitely not to this extreme, but the people-pleasing and trying to make everyone like me was something I used to struggle with. I didn’t go through lengths of pretending to listen to the same podcasts or have the same interests as people, nor did I try to buy anyone’s friendship with coffee and food, but I used to care a lot about what people thought of me.

I also never went through lengths of reading through someone’s personal email or recording someone’s voice when I’m not in the room, but maybe if I never went on this healing journey I could have become that kind of person (although I seriously doubt it because all of that is crazy as hell). This person also would overshare too much about their sexual life which was completely unwarranted and unwanted, and I probably should have reported it to the boss (considering there’s really no HR), and I never did. Either way, I am glad this is all over and I can finally stop dreading going to interact with this person.

I am so happy it is Friday and I have the ultimate self care day planned for after work, which I am looking forward to! I hope everyone has a great weekend, and that your crazy coworker that you can’t stand finally quits LOL!

Here comes December

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As November comes to a close, I am looking forward to this winter. That sounds weird considering I prefer warm weather and I avoid driving in the snow as much as I can, but instead of dreading the cold days, I am dedicating this winter to myself and my healing.

I plan to start saying “no” to just about everything, other than the plans I already have, because I want to focus on my inner work. My tasks will include journaling, reading, listening to podcasts, and working out. Maybe I’ll learn a few recipes too! I always say I want to focus on myself and my health, yet I am constantly distracting myself from that with scrolling on instagram and talking to friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and am so grateful to have so many good ones in my life, but sometimes I feel like I also distract myself from my own feelings and I get lost in other people’s lives. I have gotten a lot better at it over the past couple of years, but I still have some work to do. If I am living life for me, then I need to know who I am.

I know that I am a caring person, and I want everyone to be happy and feeling their best, but I don’t always take that time for myself. I don’t take the time to celebrate myself, but I get so overjoyed when my friends are excited about their achievements… and I deserve that same love and appreciate from myself! How am I going to sit and be like “no one notices or appreciates my growth” when I don’t do it for myself???

To be fair, I don’t need anyone else’s opinion on my progress (although I will say when my boyfriend notices my growth and applauds me, it does feel good), but my own opinion does matter! I am so grateful for the progress I have made, and I’m also thankful to have so many resources to use while I continue on my journey. I’m leaving all of my self-doubt and people-pleasing in November, and I will trust the process that unfolds. Here’s to a great winter ahead!