mental health

Grateful Sunday

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Time to check in and count some blessings. Life’s been feeling heavy lately, and I am ready to release this energy and allow good vibes to flow. I know there is so much beauty beyond the pain when we are present enough to see it.

I am grateful for my husband- I’m blessed to have someone in my life who is such a supportive, caring person; truly my rock. I feel like I have a teammate in this lifetime, and I am so happy to see our evolution throughout the years. He makes me feel beautiful every day, and I just feel so lucky to have him in my life.

I am grateful that we both have our jobs. We’re blessed to have jobs that allow us to live our life comfortably, and we’re blessed to not hate our jobs as well. I’m very grateful to be at my current job, and honestly I can’t see myself leaving unless I actually get to be a stay at home mom one day. My husband has climbed up through departments at his job over the last ten years, and I’m just so proud of all of his growth.

I’m grateful for our home. We everything we could ever need in our home. From food and clean water, to appliances and electricity- we’re blessed to have access to all of these things and to be able to afford them.

I’m grateful for my genuine friends. I am blessed to have friends who truly love and support me for who I am. I have friends who don’t see me as competition or anything other than a loved one, and that’s how I see them as well. We all just want to see each other thriving and happy.

I am grateful for sunshine and nature. Sitting in the grass and just being still while soaking up the sun has been a way for me to ground myself and kind of let go. I’ve done this a few times during my current grieving, and I will say it feels good to just sit in it all. Being in nature just reminds me of how small we all are in this world, and how blessed we are to just be here.

More than honorable mentions: my cats, iced coffee, music, my car, slippers, yoga pants, my comfy bed, shampoo, youtube… there are truly so many things I could list, and for that I am also grateful. I live an incredible, abundant life, and although it feels heavy and dark at times, I know how lucky I am, and I know how important it is to check in and count our blessings.

Sat 6-21

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Today we went to my husband’s cousin’s funeral- it was rough. I swear I was the only one who was crying and not composed- and I’m like damn, am I really the only one who feels? To be fair, the older we get, the more loss we have to experience. I’m sure many of the older people have been through this so many times that they may be more used to it- or numb to it. I’ve felt that numbness before, but today it was just waves- like I was feeling all the things that everyone else was refusing to feel.

Wednesday Word Vomit

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I’m pretty sure grief has put me into a freeze state. There are many moments where I just sit and don’t want to do anything, and I don’t feel like moving my body until the anger hits me.

Sometimes I hate how angry/upset I get when people want to discuss politics. I know it comes from the fact that I don’t trust anything on the media/news when it comes to politics, but also because it seems to feed division and chaos.

I feel like I’d be more confident if I actually followed through on my own goals and dreams, yet I still seem to just ignore my own wants and needs. Or do I not know them?

I’m tired and want to go back to bed for the rest of the day, but instead I’ll be leaving for work here in a few minutes.

Father’s Day Feels

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Father’s day is always a bit weird for me. My father is alive and still very much married to my mother, and I am not even going to say that he is a bad guy or horrible person, because he is truly just unhealed. Hurt people hurt people, and my father must suffer a lot internally. I would too if I fucked up having a genuine connection with my only child.

As a teenager I would have told you he was terrible though. I would have told you how angry and mean he was to myself and my mother when no one was around to witness it. I would have told you how the more he drank, the angrier he became, and how you could 100% tell if he took something else along with his Jaeger.

Depending on how close we were, I may have told you about the time he slapped my glasses clean off my face for standing up for myself after he called me a “bitch.” Maybe I would have told you about how he cornered me in my bathroom, while I looked behind him at my mother with fearful eyes. Maybe I would have told you that after the cops came that night and we didn’t press any charges that it somehow got even worse after that.

I would have told you that my parents didn’t love each other. Hell, I’d still probably tell you that today if I hadn’t been on the healing journey I’ve been on. Now to be able to see the wounds and codependency, and I can understand why they would feel love for one another, especially when they have been together for 35 years. I just could not be apart of a relationship like that- and I have my father to thank for that.

As fucked up as my childhood was at some points, it definitely showed me a lot of what I did not want my life to be. I always knew I wanted calm, comforting love with my future husband. I knew I wanted to be with someone who handled their emotions well, and who wasn’t an angry drinker if they did have an occasional beer.

I knew I wanted a partner who saw me as a beautiful person and addition to their life; a true teammate to do this shitty thing called life with. I knew that the man I would marry would never hurt me physically or mentally, nor would he do that to our future children. I knew I had a chance to build a life outside of those walls once I got old enough, and I can’t help but be thankful for the motivation that kept me focused.

No, it wasn’t right. The rage and hurtful words I heard and witnessed was not necessary. The control and disrespect as I became an adult who was taking classes at community college was unacceptable. The lack of love I felt and lack of support for my own emotions made me realize that I’d never have a partner like that in my life- and luckily, I have the complete opposite.

My husband makes sure that I feel beautiful every single day. He does not raise his voice, nor does he have outbursts. He respects me, as well as my values and beliefs- even if he doesn’t always hold the same beliefs. He is someone who I am proud of and happy to come home to; he is someone who makes me feel safe. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I just know that one day, he will be the best father to our child(ren).

I still will see my father today, I just make sure to go early when no drinking is happening yet. I have set my own boundaries quietly which have worked for me to have less problems and resentment over the years. I pray that he is able to heal and face what haunts him so he can put down the bottle one day, and until then I will still love him, just from a distance.

6-13-25

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What notable things happened today?

On my way to work this morning I could not get myself together, so I ended up texting my bosses and calling off. Last night we found out that my husband’s cousin lost her battle with cancer. Her health started to rapidly decline recently, and she passed away yesterday morning.

Grief is such a hard thing to navigate. One moment you’re frozen in shock; complete disbelief- almost numb. The next moment, all the emotions come crashing down and around you- completely engulfed in the heaviness. The next you start to think about how grateful you are to have had time with your loved one… to have had them there at your wedding only less than a year ago- then the sadness washes back.

I felt guilty for calling in and being an emotional wreck while my husband, the one who is blood related to his cousin, is at work and holding it together. We are here for each other, we comfort one another, yet I feel guilty for being the one who seems to need more of it. At the same time, I am just a feeling person. I’m sensitive and I love hard, so the loss is hard.

I also am spiritual, unlike my husband, and I right after we found out about his cousin’s passing, I had to tell him about the butterfly I saw. When I was at work yesterday morning, a large, gorgeous black butterfly flew over to the window by my desk. I honestly don’t recall ever seeing a black butterfly before, and definitely not one of this size. I was so amazed and captivated by this butterfly that I couldn’t help but just be in that moment.

When we found out about her passing, after the initial shock and tears I thought about that butterfly. I couldn’t help but think… was that her? This brought a moment of peace amidst the grief: she was telling me that she was still here with me (us) but in a different form now.

Today I am sitting in the grief. I am releasing the guilt and shame about how I grieve. I am not ashamed of how deeply I feel and how much I love people. As a child I was often shamed for my big emotions, which is where this icky feeling stems from; but I know I am not being dramatic. I am being human.

Today I am also leaning into my spirituality and beliefs in our angels on the other side. The signs I see are clear to me, and I know that our loved one is watching us and supporting us from the other side. She had so much love for us here earth-side, so I can only imagine the power of her divine love.

Black Butterfly

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Today I saw a black butterfly

Flying by the window near my desk

I had never recalled seeing such a unique creature

A black butterfly? Was it really?

I kept watching it as it flew past the window in the next room over and then to the next

It was so large and captivating

I couldn’t help but just pay attention to that butterfly in that moment

I just admired in awe

Tonight we got a sad message that a loved one of ours passed away this morning

She was a positive force in this world

So authentic, so caring

She was always smiling and laughing

She truly had the best energy

She remained in strong spirits during her fight with cancer, and today she rests comfortably in peace

This morning I believe she visited me in the form of a black butterfly

Her presence was strong, and captivating

I couldn’t help but just be in that moment

A moment for her to say she is still here, just in another form

Always beautiful

Always remembered

Always missed

Always loved

Passionate

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What are you passionate about?

I’m passionate about healing and mental health. I personally have grown so much throughout my healing journey, and although it took years of trying to find the right medications and the right therapist, it was so worth it. Instead of completely hating my brain and being taken over by my anxiety, I now understand why my brain is wired the way that it is, and it allows me to give myself grace and actually love myself throughout the healing process.

If we’re constantly in a state of shame and guilt, it makes it a lot harder to actually allow ourselves to heal, because we often don’t even believe that we deserve to have a better life. There’s that whole saying “you can’t shame yourself worthy, real change begins with self-love.” The difference between wanting to rip out the part of your brain that is causing your anxiety/depression/OCD vs. looking at it with empathy and compassion is HUGE.

When we start to become self-aware and actually understand why we are the way we are and we learn to love ourselves, it becomes easier to do the same for others. The harsher we judge ourselves, the more judgmental we are of other people. The more love and grace we can give to ourselves, the more we recognize how all of us are just humans, all having our own struggles and just trying to survive while also getting out of survival mode.

When it comes to jails and prison, there needs major mental health reform. The reason people commit crimes typically stems from their own brain/traumas, and although people should be punished for their crimes, there also needs to be serious mental rehabilitation if we ever went these humans to heal and thrive. Even those who are stuck in prison for life, being locked in isolation and/or treated like animals is not going to help the brain to heal and function properly.

I’m fortunate to live in a time where mental health is more widely accepted and discussed- I do worry that some people are over-prescribed and mis-diagnosed, but hopefully as time goes on we can get the best people in the field and have people living their absolutely best lives. It is wild to be able to be present and have times where I feel at peace, when I once lived with such crippling self-hatred and anxiety.

A Moment

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I took a moment this morning to pause and set myself in the shoes of those who are anxious and angry right now- this is what came about:

Imagine getting ripped away from your family, or watching yours get ripped away from you. 

Imagine fearing going to work or walking down the street because you think you may get mistakenly arrested or even kidnapped by your own goverment. 

Imagine not knowing what tomorrow holds for you or your family… this is how so many people are feeling at this time. 

If you don’t understand, then you’re blessed not to, so take time to recognize that. Before you judge someone for how they are handling their fears and the chaos that is around them, take a moment to remember how humans operate in survival mode. Take a moment to think about what you’d do if you saw your own parent/sibling/child was taken from you. 

We are all HUMAN BEINGS on the SAME PLANET. No one should be treated as less than the other. Sending love to all of my friends who are feeling extra anxious and fearful at this time. sending love to everyone who is impacted by the riots and ICE and whatever tf is going on with our government right now. 

I am privileged to be so “disconnected” from this by not watching the news, but in my soul I can feel the weight of this collective fear, and I cannot remain silent. again, we’re all humans on this planet, and we all deserve to live loving, peaceful, and free lives. 

Gratitude on a Saturday in June

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Just having a seat outside, soaking up the sun and grounding my feet in the grass. The birds have lots to say to one another this morning, and lucky for me, I just get to listen.

My husband and I are going to visit my family in Iowa this afternoon to celebrate my great grandma’s 97th birthday! I’m so grateful that we are able to see her and spend time with her, as well as the rest of the fam bam.

I feel so blessed to be present in this moment. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, financial stability, genuine friendships, and inner peace. We’re in good health, and our cats are for the most part as we get Mushu all regulated on her insulin. Overall we have a very good life, and I do not want to take it for granted.

Having a healthy marriage was always a dream of mine, and I’m so happy to have that with my husband. All I ever wanted was to have a home I was excited to come back to after a day away at work or running errands, and I have that. Communication and companionship are huge keys to success in marriage; this is why they always say to marry your best friend. Even when I’m stressed out or having a bad day, I know I have someone who loves me and someone I can lean on, and I know he feels the same.

I’m gonna head inside so we can get ready to go out to breakfast before our drive to see the family, but I just wanted to take a moment to be here and acknowledge how good life is. I am healthy, wealthy and happy, and I am in love with my life. I no longer feel crippling anxiety and emptiness like I did back in my early twenties, and as I approach my 30th birthday, I can’t help but be excited for this new decade ahead!