healing journey

Wednesday Word Vomit

blog

I’m pretty sure grief has put me into a freeze state. There are many moments where I just sit and don’t want to do anything, and I don’t feel like moving my body until the anger hits me.

Sometimes I hate how angry/upset I get when people want to discuss politics. I know it comes from the fact that I don’t trust anything on the media/news when it comes to politics, but also because it seems to feed division and chaos.

I feel like I’d be more confident if I actually followed through on my own goals and dreams, yet I still seem to just ignore my own wants and needs. Or do I not know them?

I’m tired and want to go back to bed for the rest of the day, but instead I’ll be leaving for work here in a few minutes.

Father’s Day Feels

blog

Father’s day is always a bit weird for me. My father is alive and still very much married to my mother, and I am not even going to say that he is a bad guy or horrible person, because he is truly just unhealed. Hurt people hurt people, and my father must suffer a lot internally. I would too if I fucked up having a genuine connection with my only child.

As a teenager I would have told you he was terrible though. I would have told you how angry and mean he was to myself and my mother when no one was around to witness it. I would have told you how the more he drank, the angrier he became, and how you could 100% tell if he took something else along with his Jaeger.

Depending on how close we were, I may have told you about the time he slapped my glasses clean off my face for standing up for myself after he called me a “bitch.” Maybe I would have told you about how he cornered me in my bathroom, while I looked behind him at my mother with fearful eyes. Maybe I would have told you that after the cops came that night and we didn’t press any charges that it somehow got even worse after that.

I would have told you that my parents didn’t love each other. Hell, I’d still probably tell you that today if I hadn’t been on the healing journey I’ve been on. Now to be able to see the wounds and codependency, and I can understand why they would feel love for one another, especially when they have been together for 35 years. I just could not be apart of a relationship like that- and I have my father to thank for that.

As fucked up as my childhood was at some points, it definitely showed me a lot of what I did not want my life to be. I always knew I wanted calm, comforting love with my future husband. I knew I wanted to be with someone who handled their emotions well, and who wasn’t an angry drinker if they did have an occasional beer.

I knew I wanted a partner who saw me as a beautiful person and addition to their life; a true teammate to do this shitty thing called life with. I knew that the man I would marry would never hurt me physically or mentally, nor would he do that to our future children. I knew I had a chance to build a life outside of those walls once I got old enough, and I can’t help but be thankful for the motivation that kept me focused.

No, it wasn’t right. The rage and hurtful words I heard and witnessed was not necessary. The control and disrespect as I became an adult who was taking classes at community college was unacceptable. The lack of love I felt and lack of support for my own emotions made me realize that I’d never have a partner like that in my life- and luckily, I have the complete opposite.

My husband makes sure that I feel beautiful every single day. He does not raise his voice, nor does he have outbursts. He respects me, as well as my values and beliefs- even if he doesn’t always hold the same beliefs. He is someone who I am proud of and happy to come home to; he is someone who makes me feel safe. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I just know that one day, he will be the best father to our child(ren).

I still will see my father today, I just make sure to go early when no drinking is happening yet. I have set my own boundaries quietly which have worked for me to have less problems and resentment over the years. I pray that he is able to heal and face what haunts him so he can put down the bottle one day, and until then I will still love him, just from a distance.

Passionate

blog

What are you passionate about?

I’m passionate about healing and mental health. I personally have grown so much throughout my healing journey, and although it took years of trying to find the right medications and the right therapist, it was so worth it. Instead of completely hating my brain and being taken over by my anxiety, I now understand why my brain is wired the way that it is, and it allows me to give myself grace and actually love myself throughout the healing process.

If we’re constantly in a state of shame and guilt, it makes it a lot harder to actually allow ourselves to heal, because we often don’t even believe that we deserve to have a better life. There’s that whole saying “you can’t shame yourself worthy, real change begins with self-love.” The difference between wanting to rip out the part of your brain that is causing your anxiety/depression/OCD vs. looking at it with empathy and compassion is HUGE.

When we start to become self-aware and actually understand why we are the way we are and we learn to love ourselves, it becomes easier to do the same for others. The harsher we judge ourselves, the more judgmental we are of other people. The more love and grace we can give to ourselves, the more we recognize how all of us are just humans, all having our own struggles and just trying to survive while also getting out of survival mode.

When it comes to jails and prison, there needs major mental health reform. The reason people commit crimes typically stems from their own brain/traumas, and although people should be punished for their crimes, there also needs to be serious mental rehabilitation if we ever went these humans to heal and thrive. Even those who are stuck in prison for life, being locked in isolation and/or treated like animals is not going to help the brain to heal and function properly.

I’m fortunate to live in a time where mental health is more widely accepted and discussed- I do worry that some people are over-prescribed and mis-diagnosed, but hopefully as time goes on we can get the best people in the field and have people living their absolutely best lives. It is wild to be able to be present and have times where I feel at peace, when I once lived with such crippling self-hatred and anxiety.

Gratitude on a Saturday in June

blog

Just having a seat outside, soaking up the sun and grounding my feet in the grass. The birds have lots to say to one another this morning, and lucky for me, I just get to listen.

My husband and I are going to visit my family in Iowa this afternoon to celebrate my great grandma’s 97th birthday! I’m so grateful that we are able to see her and spend time with her, as well as the rest of the fam bam.

I feel so blessed to be present in this moment. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, financial stability, genuine friendships, and inner peace. We’re in good health, and our cats are for the most part as we get Mushu all regulated on her insulin. Overall we have a very good life, and I do not want to take it for granted.

Having a healthy marriage was always a dream of mine, and I’m so happy to have that with my husband. All I ever wanted was to have a home I was excited to come back to after a day away at work or running errands, and I have that. Communication and companionship are huge keys to success in marriage; this is why they always say to marry your best friend. Even when I’m stressed out or having a bad day, I know I have someone who loves me and someone I can lean on, and I know he feels the same.

I’m gonna head inside so we can get ready to go out to breakfast before our drive to see the family, but I just wanted to take a moment to be here and acknowledge how good life is. I am healthy, wealthy and happy, and I am in love with my life. I no longer feel crippling anxiety and emptiness like I did back in my early twenties, and as I approach my 30th birthday, I can’t help but be excited for this new decade ahead!

Wednesday Gratitude

blog

It’s rainy and gloomy outside which makes me just want to stay home and snuggle with my husband and my cats all day. Instead, I will be going to work LOL.

With that being said, I am truly grateful to have a job that I enjoy and that I do well at, and I am happy that my husband and I have jobs and are able to afford our bills. I’m grateful to have a home and clean water, as well as food in the fridge and food for our cats.

I’m grateful that we have each other to lean on and support one another throughout this lifetime, all while loving each other. I thank the universe and my angels for all of the divine support around our marriage and our love, as well as for keeping us safe and healthy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Saturday Blurb

blog

Went on a solo walk today and really enjoyed my time soaking in the sun and enjoying the peace. I’ve been allowing myself to enjoy this quiet time in my life, and I am just so happy that I’ve been able to feel so present.

I’m at the vet now so my cat Mushu can have her glucose checked again now that she’s been on insulin for a week, so we’re praying for good numbers. There are still more tests after this, but again I’m just grateful for the access to the vet and the fact that we can afford these visits for her.

My husband has a fun couple of days happening this weekend! He is playing AirSoft with some friends this morning, and tomorrow he has his second race in his go-karting league. I’m going to his race tomorrow since I was out of town for his first one, and I plan to go to all of them for the rest of the season! I’m excited that he’s doing something for himself and finally doing something with racing.

My dance class starts back up in a couple weeks, so I’ll be back to that weekly for the summer! I am excited to get back into it and keep moving my body in my fun way! I am hoping to keep working on being loose and flexible when I’m dancing, rather than ridged and stiff. I just want to be in my body and in the moment, and dancing helps to ground me there.

I gotta run to the grocery store and get ready for the week ahead! I want to have ginger shots ready and lunches for my husband and I. I also want to have a couple ideas for dinners during the week so I don’t feel the need to think about it after working all day. I am ending May on a high note, and I’m so excited to see what joy and abundance June brings!

Religion (prompt)

blog

Do you practice religion?

I pray and I have faith in a higher power, but I am not “religious” per se. As a child, I went to a Christian church for a bit, but I don’t remember a lot from that other than being in church choir. I also know I watched a lot of Veggie Tales, but I don’t remember the actual religious parts of the show. I am still struggling with the word “God,” a bit, and I don’t know if that just comes from the fact that I believe we’re all from the same source, but not that it’s some masculine figure in the sky who is ruling us all.

I have seen signs and synchronicities from the Universe; I know that energy matters, and how we talk to ourselves and others is important. When we come from a place of gratitude and abundance, we tend to see more of that in our lives. When we come from a wounded place of lack, we tend to see all the places we are failing. How we tune into the world is how we perceive it, and when I pray to the universe and count my blessings, I feel so in tune with the universe.

When I’m in tune, I see a lot of repeating numbers and hear repeating phrases. I notice many synchronicities and I feel so giddy inside when I notice a sign. I love feeling so connected to the divine and to my angels, and in those moments, I know that we’re all connected all the time.

New Moon Release 5-26-25

blog

Happy New Moon!! 🙌🏼

This new moon, I’m setting the intention of being less in the mindset of “all or nothing.” This comes into play a lot in my life whenever I am trying to reach a new goal or start a new project, and I know it stems from the perfectionism. This mindset has hurt me in the past when it comes to dieting, as well as healing and even starting my podcast.

When I was doing the Ketogenic diet to lose weight years ago, I was all the way in. I ate all the protein I needed, I made sure to never go over 20 net carbs a day, and when I did, I punished myself for it. I’d mentally beat the shit out of myself for going over as if that would change my entire progress. Even if it did, which it did not, I never deserved to treat myself the way I did. That was way more unhealthy than if I had eaten 20 more carbs!

When it comes to my healing journey, along the way I have found that there is so much to heal from, and I was starting to look at myself as this never-ending project. I was just a human full of issues and problems that would never be fully solved, so I either had to try harder or give up entirely- that is literally NOT the solution. I can be aware and mindful in my life, and the only way to truly grow and evolve is to keep living and just keep checking back in with yourself. I am not a project that needs consistent tweaking and fixing- I am an evolving human.

As far as the podcast that I’ve started behind the scenes, I find myself completely delaying and avoiding it, because I care a lot about it. I know that I want it to be good, but I also am actively fighting against my perfectionism while recording, because I already decided to not edit ANY of it. I ultimately decided that because I know that I will edit and edit and edit until there is nothing left, when my real intention with this podcast is to be raw and real. I can be raw and real at anytime, so I can truly record at anytime- but I get on the mindset of “all or nothing.”

I’m not pouring all of my effort and trying to make this the best (which also applies to everything in my life) my mind then goes: “well, then I shouldn’t do anything at all”- but that is my anxiety and perfectionism taking over. I know in my heart and soul that the black and white thinking is not how we’re meant to be in this world; it’s truly all gray. We’re allowed to be creative and flexible- in fact, it’s encouraged over being rigid.

I am releasing these rigid thoughts and feelings, and I am tuning into the creative flow of life. I welcome all love, abundance, and happiness to flow into my life, and may I be present enough to feel it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ✨

Sunday Thoughts and Gratitude

blog

I feel grateful for the beautiful day I have spent with my husband. We’re about to go on a walk together which always makes me happy! Well, we’re actually going to play frisbee golf, which is also a fun time! I just want to get outside in the sun.

This morning we were up pretty early- we have to give our cat her insulin at the same time every day, and the doses are 12 hours apart. Since I was up so early to give her the insulin, I ended up staying up and watching the rest of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (lol don’t judge me) and my husband woke up about an hour and a half later.

We decided to go for a drive to go get some coffee, and then we went shopping for a little bit before heading back home. We did some cleaning around the house today which feels really good, and I purged my closet which was also needed!

This long weekend was much needed, and I’m just feeling so present and so grateful for so many things. I’m happy the weather is getting warmer and the sun is out. I’m happy that we learned how to give our cat her insulin and she will be feeling a lot better soon; I’m also grateful that she can still live for many years with diabetes, and remission is also a possibility!

I’m grateful that my husband and I get to enjoy this long weekend together, and that we can afford this life that we live. We’re so blessed to have our jobs and our skill sets, and I’m so proud of how far we’ve come, both individually and as a couple, over the past 13.5 years. I am so thankful for this life, and thankful to be present here in my body to feel all of the love.

Thursday Morning Thoughts

blog

I’m tired and in bed before I have to get up for work, and just wanted to take a moment to jot down some random thoughts I’ve had recently:

  • peace and calmness can feel odd or off to someone who has experienced a lot of anxiety and hyper-vigilance
  • if you’re taught that everything is scary and is the end of the world, that makes sense why you’d think that. however, we can still unlearn / de-program those concepts that aren’t actually helping us
  • sometimes it feels like our brains are actively working against our healing journeys and that’s because they’re wired for survival.
  • I don’t need apologies from those who have hurt me- I apologize to myself for not speaking up and setting boundaries when needed.
  • we judge people we love because we want better for them, yet we get mad when people judge us or tell us how to live our lives because we know what’s best for ourselves. (plot twist: they already know, it’s just hard to change and develop new habits)
  • life on earth includes oceans, sunsets and sunflower fields, friendships, true love and hugs: it’s not all bad here