If I had to give up a word

blog

If you had to give up one word that you use regularly, what would it be?

It would probably be a swear word since I definitely find myself using those too often. As much as I’d love to give up the “F” word, I find it so versatile LOL 😂

Actually, scratch that- I’d give up the word “should,” because it is annoying. “I should be doing xyz,” or “it should be done this way,” or really any time we use should, who is to say that we “should” or “should not.” I feel like it gets used a lot in a shaming way for me, like “I should have gone to the gym” or “I should be doing laundry,” but really I could shift that to a more positive framing. I’ve read/heard about changing it to “I have the opportunity to go to the gym,” or “I get to do laundry in my own house,” and kinda shifting the mindset. So yeah, I guess I’d get rid of “should.”

Welcome September

blog

✨ w e l c o m e S e p t e m b e r ✨

may your September bring you peace, love and abundance. may you feel lighter and warmer as we enter into the fall season. may all of your worries fade away, and may you make room for the incredible opportunities that await you. may September treat you better than you expect it to. 🤍

Tears of Joy

blog

What brings a tear of joy to your eye?

Since this year is my wedding year, I feel like I’ve been crying more tears of joy than I have in my lifetime. From trying on the dress for the first time, to visualizing walking down the aisle and up to the altar, the tears have been flowing steadily.

I used to hate my sensitivities as how often I cried at everything, but now when I find myself getting emotional, I meet myself with love. Although it can feel exhausting when I feel pain and sadness very deeply, it is absolutely incredible when I feel joy and love at that same depth.

This year I have found myself sitting in those moments of pure joy, and just allowing the tears to flow. Then when I actually think about my growth/progress with my mental health, the tears just flow faster. I used to feel so empty and numb, feeling like nothing in life would ever be enough, and that is no longer my reality.

Crying is honestly one of my favorite things about being a human, because it is sooo relieving. I’ve had those days/weeks/months of grieving losses throughout the years, and as much as I felt like I’d never ever be able to stop, I never held them back. So what if I cried everyday for months? I wasn’t going to shame myself for how much love I had for someone.

Love is a beautiful thing, and we all deserve to be well loved… especially by ourselves. I am leaning more and more into love and this journey has brought many tears of happiness along the way. I am so proud of who I am today and how dedicated I have been to the journey. I have talked about having my emotions basically turned off with medications, and that experience has made me appreciate my feelings and sensitivities so much more.

I am grateful to have access to therapy, as I continue to learn about and understand myself, it makes it easier to love myself. I am also grateful for podcasters/authors like Mel Robbins and Dr. Nicole Lepera, as they give resources for self-help and share their own experiences in a meaningful way to help others grow and be their most authentic selves.

Life is a wild ride, full of every single emotion you could ever imagine, and I am prioritizing joy wherever I can. We never know when life will end for us or those around us, so take this time we have now to let your loved ones know they’re loved by you. Spend time with the friends who you can be your full self around and where you’re laughing 70%+ of the time.

We are all going to cry tears of pain and sadness in this lifetime, which is why I embrace and enjoy the tears of joy when they come. I am blessed to be here in this moment, and I am so grateful for where I am today.

Sunday 8/18

blog

I feel like I haven’t really sat down to write an actual long blog post in a while. I guess I could go back and look, and maybe this just feels different because I am writing this on my laptop, rather than my phone. Regardless, I am just happy to write and happy with this season of my life. I feel so supported by loved ones around me, and it has been such a beautiful year. It is crazy to think that in just 6 weeks, I will be marrying the love of my life!

Whenever I visualize seeing him at the end of the aisle and up at the alter, I cannot help but feel so warm and full of pure joy. We have been building this foundation for many years- I mean, we’re getting married on our 13th anniversary! I feel so grateful to have such a loving, respectful man as my life partner. I have been seeing so many signs that feel like direct support from the divine, and I am so thankful for all of the love we have received from friends and family.

This year also has felt very transformative for me and for my relationships. I have been able to overcome fears and have difficult conversations that have only strengthened the connections. Me hiding my true feelings or staying quiet when I feel uncomfortable was not good for anyone. I always thought it was better to keep the peace and not try to question anyone’s opinions or actions when I was confused or felt differently, but that was creating inauthenticity within the friendship.

I feel that if you truly want a healthy relationship with another person, whether platonic or romantic, you have to be honest with yourself and each other. For me, leaning into authenticity is one of the best ways to do this. Saying what you need to say with love and good intentions, even if it means feelings could come up, is better than holding in all of your true thoughts and basically pretending to be okay with everything. Any relationship you lose from being authentic isn’t a loss; we deserve to be surrounded with people who love us for who we are.

For years I made sure everyone around me always felt at ease or as comfortable as possible, putting their own needs before my own, and now I vow to live a life where I take into account my own comfort level. I am allowed to speak up when uncomfortable. I am allowed to say “no” when my normal reaction would be to say “yes” out of obligation. I owe it to myself and to my inner child to trust my own instincts and to set boundaries where needed. I am an empathetic person, but I recently read a quote that said: “empathy without boundaries is self-sabotage.”

Honestly, I am feeling quite excited for what the future holds, and I am eager to continue leaning into authenticity and be proud of who I am, as I am. The more I pay attention to my emotions and my triggers, the more I learn about myself and what I need and what aids in my inner peace. Knowing what I need allows me to do those things for myself, but also communicate with loved ones when I need to set certain boundaries. I am the one who is guaranteed to be with me until my soul leaves this Earth, and I deserve to give myself peace and love during this lifetime.

30 Things: Happiness Edition

blog

List 30 things that make you happy.

1. my fiancé (not sure he counts as he isn’t a thing, but he sure makes me happy)

2. my cats (also not things, but I love them so much)

3. iced coffee

4. comfy clothes

5. candles

6. sunshine/sunrises/sunsets

7. good music (qveen herby always elevates the vibe)

8. clear night skies

9. the moon

10. podcasts

11. cute nails

12. good hair days

13. synchronicities

14. angel numbers

15. fuzzy slippers

16. the beach

17. nature walks

18. rollerblading

19. good books

20. netflix reality tv shows (selling sunset, perfect match, love is blind, etc)

21. singing/dancing

22. vacation

23. family time

24. connecting w/ good friends

25. ice cream

26. going on the water (boats, paddle boarding, tubing, etc)

27. balloons

28. mimosas

29. christmas lights/ string lights

30. smoothies

Sunday July 28, 2024

blog

I have been feeling so present in my life lately, which has also been making me cry a lot LOL. I have been really in my feelings about the wedding, and I find myself visualizing us just beaming at each other at the alter and the tears just start flowing. I’ve dreamt of marrying this man for so many years, and it’s finally coming to fruition. We’re just over two months away from the special day, and I’m just soaking in this lovely time.

I also am about to go on a girls trip with a couple of my close friends from high school! We are seeing the gorgeous, witchy rap goddess herself: Qveen Herby!!! I am so stoked to see her live. I just discovered her music a couple of years ago and I just love listening to an independent artist who shares her healing transformation through her art. She’s not ashamed of who she was or is, she is just filling embracing her truest self; I feel like this concert is going to have the most immaculate energy. We’re also celebrating my birthday on this trip; I’m so excited to start off my last year in my 20s with my best friends!!

Aside from all of the upcoming events, I also recently had a great breakdown/breakthrough within myself and with another close friend of mine. Without going too much into detail, there was an event that triggered me that I could not ignore, and because I had ignored many other triggers throughout the years of our relationship, all of those memories came flooding through. Although the start of the interaction wasn’t how I exactly planned, I am positive that it was all supposed to happen this way, and I am glad that it did.

We were able to sit down in person, not once, but twice for a couple of difficult conversations. We are both people who grew up without seeing healthy conflict resolution, so we both were super anxious going into these discussions, even with our significant others joining us. There were heated moments, but no one got disrespectful or rude, which was honestly relieving and appreciated. I always have to think of worst case scenarios, so I was pleasantly surprised when this all ended on high notes.

Overall, now I feel I can have clear, authentic communication with my friend, when in reality I didn’t always feel that way before. As I’ve talked about many times in this blog, I am a recovering people-pleaser, and with that I have had to realize how much of a disservice I have been giving my friendships by not being open and honest when I’m feeling bothered by something. I swept things under the rug because it felt easier than facing conflict, especially when my mind always goes to the worst possible case scenario- but this only harmed myself and my friendships.

They had no clue I was bothered, I built up resentment that I could easily push away, but in reality we will end up getting triggered again and then all of the things we “pushed away,” just resurface. Until we address and resolve our issues, the cycles will continue to repeat. This time around, I did not want that to continue. No matter how difficult a conversation may be, I have to stay true to myself. I deserve to feel authentic and comfortable in my life and my relationships, so it’s up to me to be honest with myself and with those I love.

I am feeling so good this season. Astrologically it makes sense considering it is now Leo season and your girl here is a Leo herself! Leo sun, and rising here, and I am finally leaning into my confidence and my authenticity. I am so proud of myself for all of the work I’ve been doing for my mental health, and I am excited to see how much I grow over this next year. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍✨

Tired, Happy, Present

blog

Yesterday my fiancé and I had our joint bach/engagement party with our friends! We went go-karting and had some friends back to the house after for some drinks and yummy mini bundt cakes! Everyone who couldn’t make it had told me to take pictures and have fun, and I definitely only did one of those things!

I only got a couple photos at the racetrack, and none had me in it LOL, but I’m happy with how everything turned out. My fiancé won first place, which I honestly expected with how much racing he does in VR and with set up he has in his office. I did not place overall which was expected LOL but I had a such a fun time and I am definitely sore as hell this morning.

Part of me wishes I got more photos, but the rest of me is so happy that I was just immersed in the experience and in the conversations with all of our friends there. It was nice to see everyone and just have some laughs and good food! I am so happy we were able to organize this event for us and our friends to celebrate before we get married in October!

Sleepy Sunday

blog

Last night I had the best time with one of my good friends and her boyfriend because WE WENT TO WISCANSIN FEST!! We got to see our favorite singers/rappers from our middle school/high school days like T-Pain, Soulja Boy, Akon, Waka Flaka, and Pink Sweats! I actually discovered Pink Sweats in my more recent years, but literally it was such an amazing time!

We got to the festival in Milwaukee around 4pm and T-pain didn’t even go on until 11pm, so it was a pretty long night for me, but again all 100% worth it!!! T-pain was on the balcony watching his friends perform and my friend and I looked up and waved at him and he literally waved back to us!! We were so excited like little kids LOL but honestly it was the best.

Today I plan to lay in bed for as long as I can. I already got up to shower and I know I have to eat something here, but other than that I am exhausted. I’m glad I got all my laundry done and made my lunches for the week on Friday, because I knew I’d be tired today.

Overall, I had an amazing weekend. I got to have lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in several years after I got off on Friday, and then of course going to this festival was a huge highlight! I am just feeling so happy and grateful for this life!

Wednesday Morning

blog

I’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.

I am grateful for rest and good sleep.

I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.

I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.

I am grateful for our home and our love.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this beautiful life.