I am home and will be in bed for the next few days, and my surgery was a success. The doctor was not lying about this pain though- it’s pretty rough. My husband is making sure I’m taking my medications on time and is bringing me everything I need (so blessed🥹😭), and I am prioritizing hydration and rest.
I was feeling emotional before surgery, because I had so many friends messaging me telling me they were praying for me and thinking of me. One even sent me an e-gift card for Smoothie King which I am looking forward to trying hopefully within the next week or so!
I just feel so lucky and grateful to have so much love and support around me. As much as I am struggling right now with the pain, I know it will all be worth it; even though currently it feels like I am swallowing shards of glass.
Today marks six months of marriage with my husband. It’s crazy that we have been together for 13.5 years, and yet my love for him continues to grow. I feel so very blessed to have him in my life, and I am grateful that he will be by my side for my recovery after my surgery tomorrow. I’m just trusting in the universe that all will be well.
Enjoying a peaceful morning reading my book and admiring the fog outside. I’m getting breakfast with my friend in a few hours, but it’s so nice starting the day slow and quiet.
I have my pre-op appointment for my tonsillectomy tomorrow, and then surgery is bright and early on Thursday morning! I’m doing my best to lean into faith over fear, and luckily this is such a routine procedure that I’m really not too worried about it.
The only thing that I keep thinking about is I worry that my actual voice will sound permanently different, because I am also having my nasal tissue removed/reduced so I can actually breathe properly through my nose. I feel like I have a pretty nasally voice, so I’m interested to see if that changed afterwards.
Regardless I’m sure all will go smoothly, for now I’m just working on keeping myself calm and my nervous system regulated.
I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.
I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.
So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.
Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.
I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.
After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.
Feeling peaceful and blessed today! Today is my last day of dance for a few weeks since I’m nine days out from my tonsillectomy! I’m excited to end on a high note and I am just proud of myself for doing something out of my comfort zone and committing for a whole month!
This week is going to be to be super productive at work while I get ahead and tie up loose ends on claims so that it isn’t too hard for the girls when I’m gone. It can get hard when I am the only one who is full time in my position, but we all can only do what we can! I’m just happy I have a great team and great bosses.
This may be a weird thing to say, but I feel like I am on the cusp of something great. My body has been resting and I’ve just been feeling really present and grounded- I just have good feelings about these upcoming months. I’m trusting in all of the signs I’ve been seeing (222 and 111 come up A LOT for me lately), and I’m having faith in my angels and guides.
I felt like I was getting so much sleep this morning that I actually slept through the entire day and I was going to wake up to my Monday morning alarm for work. Needless to say, that did not happen and for that I am thankful. It did feel nice to get a lot of sleep-I’ve been feeling the need to rest and reset lately so I am embracing this slow weekend and season in my life.
I decided to make myself a new Tumblr page yesterday. When I was younger, Tumblr was my first blog. It is mainly photos and you can post your own and/or “re-blog” from others, but it always felt so therapeutic to me. I had been messing around with a few settings here on WordPress and just kept thinking about how much I missed having a photo-blog (aka Tumblr)-so I decided to sign up and create a new one! If you want to check it out you can at https://themagicshecreates.tumblr.com/
I have this thought that comes back every now and again about how us humans feel the need to be in the loop on every tragedy happening around the globe, yet we aren’t even present to our own health and financial goals. How are we going to save the world or solve any problems when we are struggling to survive ourselves?
People scream at other people on the internet calling them privileged for ignoring the horrific news, when there are tons of people who are informed but aren’t doing anything about it. For example, my mom is always complaining about politics and whatever but she doesn’t write letters to representatives or do anything productive with that information. Also, how informed is anyone when the news/media is profiting of your anxieties and fears?
The only reason to be on the internet is to spread true authentic love and light. I have such a love/hate relationship with Instagram, which is why I am happy I signed back up for tumblr, where people aren’t commenting and going back and forth-we are all just sharing art. I also like the app Lapse for this reason as well. I am going to end up taking time back off Instagram again, which always makes me feel better mentally.
Today is going to be a peaceful Sunday, and I am just soaking in all of the blessings around me. I am grateful to have a warm home and roof over my head. I am grateful to have an incredible life partner who loves and respects me. I am grateful to have friends who encourage me and are rooting for me. I am grateful that my husband and I have our jobs so we are able to pay our bills and have fun in this life we have built together. Finally, I am thankful for my angels and guides who keep me divinely protected and blessed- thank you, thank you, thank you!
Today was much needed. My husband and I got to sleep in, so we went out for breakfast at 1pm! Once we got home I kept my promise to myself and made us green juice for the week, as well as some ginger shots! I also did a little bit of vision board journaling.
This morning I was actually crying tears of joy, and it was all because I was truly just feeling into the love and joy in my life. I used to feel so riddled with anxiety to the point that I never could just be in the present moment, and now that I catch myself consciously feeling joy, I’ve been trying to really lean into that feeling and giving it space.
Life is full of struggles and hardships, but the love that we have in our lives is what makes it possible to survive. Lean into the love around you, and remember to recognize how truly blessed you are. Sending extra love to everyone this Sunday!
The eclipse is next Friday, and the chaotic energy is definitely here. I am working to stay grounded in my own energy and focused on the joy and blessings. All that is meant to be stirred up and chucked away is meant to go, and I am trusting in the universe’s plan.
Woke up feeling grateful this morning. My friend and I took an adult dance class last night and learned almost a minute of choreography, which honestly I was pretty impressed that we learned that much in an hour, especially with us having zero dance experience!
We learned a mix of contemporary with hip-hop while dancing to Apologize by One Republic (a classic of course)! I did have a few moments where I was like “okay where tf am I and what am I doing?” but I kept reminding myself that this was no pressure and simply for fun!
I’m proud of myself for trying something new, and honestly I’m thinking about signing up for the class and going weekly! I’ll have to work around my surgery coming up next month, but it sounds like they will work with me on that. I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!!
finding light in the dark 