Today was a good day! I had a good day at work, I got to see my therapist, and I watched a couple of episodes of Severance with my husband! I am excited for our weekend as we have a 30th birthday party to go to, we have pedicures booked, and we are getting eye exams/new glasses!
I’m also excited for the new moon on Sunday, which is the same day my husband and I are getting our pedicures. It’ll be a nice day to just relax and have some self care. I’m excited for my girls trip coming up soon, and I am just feeling a greater sense of self lately. I’m so grateful for this life and this beautiful Friday.
The energy of today was chaotic as f*ck if you ask me. Work was wild, it felt like emotions were at an all time high, and I’m PMS-ing on top of it which doesn’t help. A couple of my friends I talked to today also felt this wild ass energy today, so I’m just trying to frame it positively like we are all about to level up by remembering where we need to set our boundaries and enforce them. I am not going to continue to let other people mess up my mood or how I am feeling about my day. How other people act is not my problem or my responsibility, I am only responsible for my own reactions and responses. Can you tell I’ve been reading “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins? LOL!
Honestly though, this “Let Them” thing is harder than it sounds, but I am glad that this is on the forefront of my mind right now. I have definitely let other people’s lack of care and competence at work bother me, but literally it is not my problem. I am good at what I do, and I am not responsible for anyone else’s job or work ethic- I am only responsible for my own. I love the owners I work for, I love what I do even if it is stressful some days (I mean it’s fighting against insurance companies… so it’s just going going to be stressful somedays LOL) and I can be proud of my own work and focus on all of the positive aspects of my job.
It is important to feel and release the frustration from the day, but I can also choose to do that in a positive way. Instead of dwelling on the negative and continuing to talk about it, I can choose to do an activity to help ground me and bring me back to center. Sometimes that is dancing around my house, other times it is writing in my journal or here on my blog, and sometimes it is singing my heart out in the shower- all of these things are enjoyable to me, and they allow me release the tension from the day.
I definitely gave away a lot of my energy today. I got caught up being upset about things that are beyond my control, and I know that going forward, I do not want to waste my time on negative people or situations. I sometimes get mad at myself for caring too much when it feels like other people don’t care at all, but at the same time, I love that I care. I love that I am someone who takes pride in their work and work ethic. The reason I was able to move out and buy a home when I did is because: 1. I have an incredible husband who has been my rock through the entire journey and 2. I have always worked hard at every job I had, working towards promotions, being recognized for my skills/work ethic, and I am proud of myself for that. I do not need to waste time on negativity when there are so many blessings around me. I am grateful for this life I live, and I have worked hard to get here.
With that being said, thank you Universe and Angels for protecting me and helping me stay grounded in my own peaceful energy. Thank you for the fact that my husband and I can afford our bills, have access to food and water, have working vehicles and good jobs. Thank you for watching over us and supporting our love, and thank you for this beautiful life. I am so thankful to be at a place in my life where I am not in a constant state of anxiety, and I refuse to allow irrelevant things to knock me off my path to my higher self. I love the fact that I am a sensitive soul who cares, and in reality, I appreciate ever soul I meet. I say that, because no matter what the interaction is, I know I am learning from everyone that I cross paths with, and I with that knowledge I can only evolve.
I didn’t record my podcast episode, and I am giving myself grace about it. I will record soon, and I know this is just my brain getting into survival mode and putting me in a freeze state. I am feeling my way through it and I see exactly where all this fear is stemming from.
As a child my father would often tell me that I had no voice. He’d remind me that I had zero power or control in the home, because I was just the child. Also, being a child of alcoholics, I kept that part of my life a secret from everyone outside of the house (except for a couple close friends as I got older). I was always keeping quiet as a way to be safe, so my brain automatically shut down when I went to start recording my podcast episode.
I am working through this feeling, reminding myself that I am allowed to have a voice. All I have to do is speak the truth and remember my intentions. People will judge regardless, and that is not my business or my problem. I know my intentions and I know who I am- that is all that matters. I am not putting a harsh timeline on this, but I am determined to start recording this year!
I am not a religious person, so I did not go to church this morning. I haven’t been to church since I was a small child, and I vividly remember vomiting while singing hymns and my uncle telling me that the devil came out of me that day. So that’s my experience with religion, plus lots of veggie tales. My parents were religious when I was younger, they apparently even had bible study nights with their friends and they said I was there for those too as a toddler. Of course I do not remember this.
As an adult I’ve been on my own spiritual journey, and I very much believe in a higher power. I do speak to my angels and guides, I see signs and synchronicities often, but I still struggle with the word/name “God.” I think it is because when I picture this higher power, I do not see it as one entity. If anything I feel most comfortable saying “source,” because I see it all as a big, beautiful light and we all have this light inside of us. So if there is one “entity,” it’s our collective as a whole.
How I see the world is that we all have the light and the dark. Some people have more darkness within them, stemming from wounds and traumas they’ve experienced or been passed down from previous generations, and some have more light as they’ve worked through their traumas and found community to help support them. The more that the light workers shine, the more they can help others to shine through their own darkness.
Today, let’s spread our light to everyone. Smile at strangers, let people in during traffic, practice patience in moments when you feel aggravated, and just focus on the gratitude and blessings all around you. I feel so lucky to be alive today, and I am grateful to be able to spend time with my husband and just enjoy this day of rest.
I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.
I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.
So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.
Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.
I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.
After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.
Feeling peaceful and blessed today! Today is my last day of dance for a few weeks since I’m nine days out from my tonsillectomy! I’m excited to end on a high note and I am just proud of myself for doing something out of my comfort zone and committing for a whole month!
This week is going to be to be super productive at work while I get ahead and tie up loose ends on claims so that it isn’t too hard for the girls when I’m gone. It can get hard when I am the only one who is full time in my position, but we all can only do what we can! I’m just happy I have a great team and great bosses.
This may be a weird thing to say, but I feel like I am on the cusp of something great. My body has been resting and I’ve just been feeling really present and grounded- I just have good feelings about these upcoming months. I’m trusting in all of the signs I’ve been seeing (222 and 111 come up A LOT for me lately), and I’m having faith in my angels and guides.
I felt like I was getting so much sleep this morning that I actually slept through the entire day and I was going to wake up to my Monday morning alarm for work. Needless to say, that did not happen and for that I am thankful. It did feel nice to get a lot of sleep-I’ve been feeling the need to rest and reset lately so I am embracing this slow weekend and season in my life.
I decided to make myself a new Tumblr page yesterday. When I was younger, Tumblr was my first blog. It is mainly photos and you can post your own and/or “re-blog” from others, but it always felt so therapeutic to me. I had been messing around with a few settings here on WordPress and just kept thinking about how much I missed having a photo-blog (aka Tumblr)-so I decided to sign up and create a new one! If you want to check it out you can at https://themagicshecreates.tumblr.com/
I have this thought that comes back every now and again about how us humans feel the need to be in the loop on every tragedy happening around the globe, yet we aren’t even present to our own health and financial goals. How are we going to save the world or solve any problems when we are struggling to survive ourselves?
People scream at other people on the internet calling them privileged for ignoring the horrific news, when there are tons of people who are informed but aren’t doing anything about it. For example, my mom is always complaining about politics and whatever but she doesn’t write letters to representatives or do anything productive with that information. Also, how informed is anyone when the news/media is profiting of your anxieties and fears?
The only reason to be on the internet is to spread true authentic love and light. I have such a love/hate relationship with Instagram, which is why I am happy I signed back up for tumblr, where people aren’t commenting and going back and forth-we are all just sharing art. I also like the app Lapse for this reason as well. I am going to end up taking time back off Instagram again, which always makes me feel better mentally.
Today is going to be a peaceful Sunday, and I am just soaking in all of the blessings around me. I am grateful to have a warm home and roof over my head. I am grateful to have an incredible life partner who loves and respects me. I am grateful to have friends who encourage me and are rooting for me. I am grateful that my husband and I have our jobs so we are able to pay our bills and have fun in this life we have built together. Finally, I am thankful for my angels and guides who keep me divinely protected and blessed- thank you, thank you, thank you!
Today was much needed. My husband and I got to sleep in, so we went out for breakfast at 1pm! Once we got home I kept my promise to myself and made us green juice for the week, as well as some ginger shots! I also did a little bit of vision board journaling.
This morning I was actually crying tears of joy, and it was all because I was truly just feeling into the love and joy in my life. I used to feel so riddled with anxiety to the point that I never could just be in the present moment, and now that I catch myself consciously feeling joy, I’ve been trying to really lean into that feeling and giving it space.
Life is full of struggles and hardships, but the love that we have in our lives is what makes it possible to survive. Lean into the love around you, and remember to recognize how truly blessed you are. Sending extra love to everyone this Sunday!
Woke up feeling grateful this morning. My friend and I took an adult dance class last night and learned almost a minute of choreography, which honestly I was pretty impressed that we learned that much in an hour, especially with us having zero dance experience!
We learned a mix of contemporary with hip-hop while dancing to Apologize by One Republic (a classic of course)! I did have a few moments where I was like “okay where tf am I and what am I doing?” but I kept reminding myself that this was no pressure and simply for fun!
I’m proud of myself for trying something new, and honestly I’m thinking about signing up for the class and going weekly! I’ll have to work around my surgery coming up next month, but it sounds like they will work with me on that. I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!!
Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.
My people-pleasing phase has been difficult to let go of, but I can see the difference in how I feel now compared to when I was in the thick of it. I feel so much lighter, like I’m not carrying a bunch of pressure or resentment within me.
It was hard to come to the realization that people-pleasing actually has nothing to do with “pleasing” the other person, and everything to do with yourself. I thought I was saying “yes” when I meant “no” and when I signed up to help for things when I didn’t want to that I was doing a good thing. I thought that I am sacrificing my time for someone in need, because that’s what they needed, and if the roles were reversed, I may want them to help me too!
In reality though, as much as it was true that I wanted to be a helpful person, I was also doing it to avoid conflict and this only created internal conflict. I didn’t want to be responsible for disappointing someone, because deep down I already felt like a huge disappointment. This was all my perspective based on childhood issues and what not, but I know now that adults can handle disappointment and it is not my job, nor do I have the ability to control other people’s emotions.
Leaning into a place where I take time to decide whether or not I want to do something has made life so much easier for me. I used to feel tremendous guilt when I would tell people “no” or when I needed to reschedule, but now I just give myself the same grace I give to others! I was never upset when my friends had to reschedule plans or were unable to help me with something, I knew that was part of life and I didn’t hold it against them- so why was I so concerned they’d hold it against me? Or was I just holding it against myself?
I used to have pretty low self-worth, and I think that deep down I was worried about people hating me or deciding that I was a bad friend. I had that fear because that was how I was viewing myself- I didn’t like myself and I never felt like I was good enough for anyone or anything. I had a horrible, dark view of myself and I am so grateful that I can finally see myself in a lens of love and light.
It has taken years of therapy and mental re-wiring, and although I can still feel those people-pleasing tendencies pulling at me at times, I have created much stronger boundaries and a stronger sense of self, so I no longer feel guilty and eaten alive when I am choosing myself. For the longest time I put other peoples’ feelings and comfort levels before my own, but that is not a healthy life.
I am not only allowed to, but I am encouraged to express when I am feeling uncomfortable. I would never want a future daughter of mine to feel that she has to be overly polite to someone she is uncomfortable around, nor would I want her to be quiet when someone is being mean to her. I have always had an easier time standing up for my friends rather than myself, and I look at that as a huge problem. Of course it’s nice to stand up for others, but the fact that I’d do it for anyone else before myself shows that I care more about their feelings than my own.
That is not a lesson I wish to teach, nor one I wish to live by any longer. I used to worry that I’d become selfish or a narcissist if I stopped people-pleasing, but in reality, it isn’t selfish to have boundaries and self worth. I am empathetic and compassionate, but with strong boundaries, this is no longer to my own detriment. Letting go of people-pleasing was a hard phase to overcome, and I still know I’ll be learning lessons around this throughout my lifetime.
From Dark to Light 