Thursday AM

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It’s 0 degrees outside. On the plus side, the sun is rising and I got to see some pink clouds/sky on the way into work today. I also have a nice coffee for today that I will savor since tomorrow I’m going to participate in the nationwide “ice out” and not buy a thing! I’m also going to take the entire day off social media too, because I just need a damn reset and it feels like it should be part of the revolution to me lol!

Monday AM: Grateful

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I’m grateful I woke up in a warm bed next to the love of my life this morning.

I’m grateful that I can afford to treat myself to a coffee this morning.

I’m grateful I have a job to go to that, although it can be stressful at times, it funds my life and allows me to pay my bills.

I’m grateful for hot coffee on a freezing cold day.

I’m grateful for my “chill” playlist, as it will keep me grounded in my work today.

I’m grateful for empathetic, passionate people.

Sunday: Soft Girl Revolution

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Some humans are caring, compassionate and kind, while (unfortunately) others lack empathy and fail to have any moral compass. The human mind is the most complex organ to exist; it has the capacity to have one believing that they themselves are “God,” while others feel so low, feeling like they are the scum of the Earth. The thing about the brain that is so wild is that whatever you believe, your brain will do everything in it’s power to confirm that belief. This miraculous organ will find evidence in your every day life to confirm whatever it is that you are focusing your energy on.

Being in America right now, there is a lot of unrest. With masked ICE agents detaining and murdering innocent people, it is extremely hard to trust any sort of government or media, but what we can trust is our intuition: none of this is right. Humans do not deserve to be ripped away from their families. Humans do not deserve to be murdered for standing up for what they believe in. Humans do not deserve to have their food, environments or algorithms poisoned with sickening, artificial sh*t. The heaviness of it all is too much for one person to hold; if we can come together with love and compassion, I believe we can see change- but it is also important that we are taking care of ourselves.

With everything going around on social media, please remember that you can be informed without having to watch the videos of people getting murdered. Yes, there are people who were there to witness it, and we are privileged to have not been there to see it, but constantly consuming this content is not helpful to our brain health. We need our brains functioning well to fight this fight, and the media knows how easy it is to keep people in an angry, fear loop. Our anger can be our friend, as it shows us where boundaries are crossed, but it also is important that we take action and make decisions with clear minds, as this is our future we are fighting for. During these times, it is important to take breaks from social media and spend quality time within your own family and community. Spreading love will do much more than the constant consuming of horrific content.

On a more “woo woo” note, astrologers have been saying that right now is the age of revolution; the last time that Pluto was in the sign of Aquarius was during the American Revolution and the French Revolution. Since Pluto has sat her happy ass back in the sign of Aquarius, it just may be time for some much needed existential shifts. I personally envision a world where people do care for people, the government minds it’s own business other than working for the people, and we have more transparency and control over where our money is going. We pay our taxes because it is illegal if we don’t, yet major government entities haven’t passed their budget audits in years, we have millions of dollars for war, our groceries are full of poison, and we are funding masked murderers in our streets? Does anyone really want this?

When we break it down, this is not about Republican vs. Democrat or Red. vs. Blue or whatever divide it is that the media is trying to sell you: this is about humanity vs. corruption. None of us want to be funding our own deaths. None of us want to be working two jobs in order to barely have enough money to put our artificial groceries on the table. None of us want to live in fear that our medication prices will suddenly sky-rocket to a point where we cannot afford to take them. None of us want to avoid medical care because we are fearful of the amount of medical debt we will accrue. None of us want to see families get ripped apart by masked, unidentified “law enforcement.” None of us want to pay more attention to screen than our own families, friends and loved ones. None of us want to live in a constant state of fear and anger, and none of us deserve it.

I am not a teacher, nor a scientist. I am not a congressman, nor a judge. I am not a policeman, nor an FBI agent. I am not a governor, nor am I on any board of anything. I am not an influencer, nor am I a celebrity. I am not someone who is known: I am just like you. I am a human being who is upset and overwhelmed by the state of the world just looking for some way to connect and create authentic conversation. Humans are the most complex, resilient beings, and although I do often feel “too soft for all of it,” I do know that I cannot remain silent/complacent as I am not in agreeance with what is happening. Like the great Martin Luther King Jr, said: “There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”

So to all my softies who struggle when it comes to going to protests and interacting with social media, just know that you can still make a difference. Even if it just means taking time to write and reflect about what is happening, or it’s starting to research when the local primaries are and who is on the ballots, that is enough. Focusing on your local communities, even your own home, is where revolutions can start. We are in a country built on moving fast, getting money, and hustling our lives away, but that is not in our nature as mammals. I think it is important that we take time to reconnect with ourselves and with nature. We need to take moments of silence to calm our nervous systems. We need to practice mindfulness in moments of overwhelm, as that will become our superpower during these times of unrest. We have to be able to emotionally regulate and think clearly to make the changes that are truly needed, and that starts right in your own home; we can be the change we need to see in this world, one step at a time.

Another Saturday in January

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It is another day of the “arctic tundra” here in the Midwest. Luckily, we should be leaving the negative temperatures today, and I decided to leave my house today to get some coffee! I really wish I had planned ahead for these cold temperatures by booking a flight to the Bahamas or something, but I’ll just have to keep that in mind for next time. I have been in a little bit of a funk with feeling overwhelmed at work and just feeling the darkness of winter; I also just had my period and it was six days late so that didn’t really help. The more I reflect on this, the more I am realizing that I need to let go of control at work. I put this immense pressure on myself to stay on top of all of these things, but being in the insurance world, there is literally so much beyond my control.

At work, and in life in general, all I can control is my own reactions and my attitude. I have been so overwhelmed by all of the changes in patient’s insurance plans and still dealing with the remnants of our horrible transition with the new front desk- literally my period has been late the last couple months, and I knew they would be late because I was so stressed out! My body has been tense and I’ve been exhausted, and I no longer wish to put myself through this. I know I need to work on a good routine on how to decompress and also ideally work towards my wellness goals, but I know the focus just needs to be on self-love rather than shame. Since I have been in a negative headspace, it hasn’t felt like a good time to pursue a wellness routine- when I do these things in a place of self-loathing, it’s never healthy, nor does it end well.

I know I just need to focus on rest and joy. I have been feeling the need to stretch, so I am going to do some more of that today. I know I need to talk to my body nicer and be more mindful about how I speak about it. It’s easy to get into comparison culture, especially in the new year and seeing everyone posting themselves in the gym and eating really healthy, but 1. people always post the highlights, and 2. my journey is mine, it is not meant to be altered or influenced by others. I know that deep down, we all know what is best for us. I know that the more I listen to my gut and actually mindfully work towards my goals, the more confidence I will have, and the easier it will be to let go of things beyond my control.

Sunday PM

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It’s 9:44pm and I’m off to sleep. Hoping to get a solid 8 hours before work tomorrow. Regardless of how much sleep I get, and regardless of the fact that mother nature paid her visit today giving me insane cramps, I am determined to make tomorrow a great day. Getting some sleep will help with that for sure, and laying on this heating pad is giving me such relief. I am so grateful that I had such a wonderful weekend with my husband, and I know this will be a great week ahead.

Saturday Evening

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Today has been a nice chill day with my husband. We went out for breakfast, ran some errands, did a little purging (we’re gonna drop off some bags at the thrift store tomorrow), and now we’re just gonna work on our home dashboard project and probably watch a movie! I love having a chill weekend with no real plans.

mushu in a blanket

Mental Health Day

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I ended up reaching out to my boss and letting her know I cannot come in today. I’ve been so overwhelmed at work lately, and these last seven weeks have been harder than the entire two years I’ve worked there. I’m glad I have understanding bosses, as I really haven’t had that in the past and I could have never asked for just a mental health day; but here I can be honest and just say “I need a day so I don’t burn out,” and they get it! Now I can rest and take this little break for myself and come back on Monday feeling recharged and ready to tackle the world!

Thursday Thoughts

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It can be really hard to let go of things beyond your control, but your body and brain don’t need to hold onto that stress.

Gratitude changes attitude! Focusing on the good can be hard sometimes, but it’s very rewarding.

We are so small in the grand scheme of the world and universe- sometimes zooming out helps realize that our problems are quite minuscule.

Some people suck, and some don’t. That’s it.

Sunday

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My husband and I are driving home from visiting my family for our January Christmas. We had a nice time playing “ghetto cooties” with the family and we won $25 off a scratch off! Each family member had to bring a $5 scratch off and we all randomly had one to scratch at the end of our game, and mine was a winner!

What is almost weirdly more exciting is that the two scratch offs we bought for the games were both winners! One won $25 and the other was a $50 winner! Although we didn’t get those, I was just so excited that we bought two winners! It was nice to see the family and hang out with my cousin. My husband and him played Fortnite together while I was making some cute memes for my podcast IG page!

Now we’re heading home and I’m ready to see our fur babies and then go shopping with one of my friends! My husband is going to go shooting with one of his friends, so I’m going to go have some fun of my own! Overall it’s been a nice weekend and reset after this hectic week at work, and I’m just going to enjoy the rest of the weekend off!

Stressing and Blessings

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I had quite an overwhelming day at work, and when I got home it was a bit chaotic with bringing in the groceries while urgently having to use the bathroom. I am also a week out from my period so I’m starting my PMS moodiness and I’m just super stressed and exhausted. To be honest, it really felt like everything was too much.

My husband knows I’ve been stressed at work and he also saw how overstimulated I was. I was starting to unpack the groceries and he stopped me. He asked for a hug and held me, but honestly I was kind of being a jerk and wasn’t fully participating in this hug the way I normally would- I was sulking and just limp while he held me.

He told me to take off my shoes and go get out of my work clothes, but before he let me go change, he asked if I could give him a real hug, which I did this time. He thanked me and again instructed that I go get in some comfortable clothing and sit down for a bit. He also mentioned that our cat decided to take a “soupy poop” on our bed and that he was going to clean that up after he put away the groceries.

Although he told me that our cat decided to basically diarrhea on our bed, my brain was so frazzled and probably in freeze that it didn’t fully process. So of course I went into our bedroom and plopped down on the bed and ended up putting my arm right in nasty ass cat shit.

Yup. First every motherf*cking company in America changed which dental insurance they are offering to their employees keeping me busy as hell, but now this?! CAT SHIT ON MY ARM?! What a day, right? As expected, I fully crashed tf out: I screamed out loud to myself that I was a “FUCKING IDIOT” and ran to the bathroom to burn my arm off with scolding hot water and antibacterial soap.

My husband of course hears all of this commotion and asked what happened from the other room, to which I yelled: “I JUST LAID IN THE CAT SHIT” like the a demure girly I am. He came in the room as I was drying my arm off and asked me if I could please sit down while gently reminding me that I’m doing that thing where if I don’t stop, things are going to keep going wrong and getting worse. Arguably, he was correct: I really just needed to sit down…preferably not in feces.

He sat on our little, old bedroom couch with me and told me not to worry about cleaning the bed or putting away the groceries and to just stay put and re-center. He went to finish putting all of the food away, and I actually I did what he said. I sat. I got angry. I punched the air. I shook my body to try to get the anger out. I cried. I cried harder. I stopped to re-focus on my breath. Felt like I might puke. Didn’t puke. Cried more. Started softening my breathing again. Let my head lean into the big pillow I was holding onto. Let more tears fall. They stopped falling. I relaxed.

After actually sitting through probably five minutes of just letting my emotions rise and fall, I felt so much relief. My body felt less tense and much lighter, although still pretty exhausted as expected. My husband came back in to check on me and we just talked calmly about work and what I can/can’t control and when we were interrupted by the alarm to give our diabetic cat her insulin, he told me to go jump in the shower and he’d take care of her.

Now, I just need to take a moment to say; BLESS THIS MAN AND HIS ENTIRE SOUL. Don’t get me wrong, I literally always feel that way about him (that’s why tf I married him, duh), but in this moment after this wild ass day, I couldn’t help but feel so grateful for him and our marriage.

When I was a kid and I’d have reactions or loud emotions, I was called dramatic and shamed for them; my husband has never done that to me. Unfortunately, I actually still do that to myself sometimes, which is another reason why this moment felt so important: I actually let myself have all of my emotions with no judgement.

My husband has always loved me and been there for me through the best and worst times of my life over the last 14 years. I have never felt his love waiver, I have always felt respected, and I am truly so lucky and grateful to have such a wonderful human as my life partner. It’s so easy for me to love him, but it hadn’t always been easy to love myself. Over the years, his love for me has shown me that I am easy to love, and deserving of it, just for being me, and for that I am forever thankful.