relationships

I hated getting asked this:

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What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

“When are you guys getting married?” “When is he gonna propose?” “What’s taking so long?”

In one way, I get it- we were together for 12 years before we got engaged, and in this society that is “not normal.” In another way, I am like fuck society and these fake timelines that we love to project onto everyone.

I personally am very happy with my fiancé and our relationship, and I was happy prior to having a ring. I also am a more private person and especially when it comes to things that I find to be very precious or intimate, so it can be easy to assume things when there aren’t a lot of details given. But we all know what happens when we make assumptions… lol.

I am happy with this timeline of my life, and I am excited to be able to tell our future children about our love story and show them how healthy, true love can look. I am happy to have this foundation built prior to jumping into marriage, as we are both so confident in our relationship and we know the best and worst parts of each other.

If we would have gotten married right at 18 or 19 before we moved out, we would have been judged for that. At the same time, we had judgment from family about us moving in together so young, and a couple years after that we even had judgment thrown at us when we decided to buy a house.

I have my own views, as does my fiancé, and considering we are the only people in our relationship, our opinions are the only relevant ones when it comes to us. In general, people are always going to have opinions, but what is important is that you stay true to your own beliefs and values, despite all of the outside noise.

Favorite People

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Who are your favorite people to be around?

My fiancé is my favorite person to be around for an infinite number of reasons, but if I had to narrow it down to one it would probably be his nervous system. What I mean by that is he is always so calm and confident that whatever happens will be okay, and he seems so regulated. When I am having a stressful time, I can feel it all melt away when I am in his arms.

As far as the general idea of favorite people: I love the people who are real, who are direct and who are kind. I don’t appreciate lying and I’d much rather someone be honest about who they are and what they like, and fully embrace and express their true selves. I love people who laugh a lot and don’t take life too seriously, because in reality, none of us make it out alive.

Bloguary Prompt

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What do you complain about the most?

I’d probably say that I complain the most about people. Mainly I am used to complaining about people at work who aren’t doing their jobs, but I recognize that complaining doesn’t help. This year I am at a new job, and the difference is that I am currently just observing and making notes and bringing this to the attention of my boss so we can try to come up with better processes. I also complain about people I know, but that is something I am actively working on this year, because I know I need to take accountability.

In general, this year I am working on discernment and speaking up. Instead of whining and complaining, this year I am focusing on solutions. This also applies to relationships with friends and family- instead of b*tching about someone’s behavior, I will take note and set boundaries where I see fit. If something does not have an effect on me, then I can take steps to remove myself and ignore. If something does bother me and affects me directly, it is my responsibility to speak up.

No one will ever know I am upset or bothered if I keep shoving it away, and honestly that hurts all parties in the end. It hurts me, because I am not expressing my needs or feelings, and it hurts them because I have basically been lying or hiding how I’ve actually been feeling. It may come as a shock to people when I actually start expressing my feelings, but it’s only fair to me to finally allow myself to trust in my feelings and advocate for myself.

No more fearing confrontation. No more people-pleasing. No more manipulating and invalidating my own feelings. No more whining and complaining about things that don’t impact me. No more faking niceness to “keep the peace” or to avoid hurting other people.

I am not responsible for other people’s feelings, I am responsible for mine. I would never go out of my way to be disrespectful, but I also will no longer tolerate being disrespected. I deserve better, and I will do better.

Authenticity Only

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I was a people-pleaser for too long, and this year I am actively working against it. I have ignored red flags and disrespectful behavior all in the name of “keeping the peace.” I was keeping quiet to keep others happy. I was agreeing when I didn’t, just to avoid conflict/confrontation. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in reality I still did, because I have been lying. People-pleasing is manipulative; going along with things or saying “yes” when you actually mean “no” is just presenting yourself in a false light. I have been doing this my entire life- avoiding conflict, keeping quiet, and making sure everyone else is comfortable while sitting in my own discomfort. I’m done.

I deserve peace and comfort. I deserve friends who love the real me, and who are real with me. I deserve honesty and to unleash my true feelings, and in reality, anyone you lose from being honest and setting your boundaries is not a loss, it is a blessing. This makes more room for your true friends and support system to come in, and there is no reason to hold onto people who aren’t truly happy for you or manipulate you out of your own boundaries. Now, it is 100% on you to enforce your boundaries, but also it is important to watch who is actively pushing against them and take proper action.

What bothers me or makes me uncomfortable is valid, I will no longer let my mind manipulate me into settling for less than what I deserve. What is mine is mine and I am not required to share everything with anyone; I value my privacy. I deserve to speak my mind and I refuse to build up any resentment or hard feelings when I can just have a conversation. Like Glennon Doyle’s podcast says: “We can do hard things.” I am doing this hard thing this year, because I know it is necessary and will free me in so many ways.

Thoughts on Thots on Thoughts

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I am a big believer in karma: what you give is what you get. The energy you emit into the world is what will return back to you. What you present yourself as is what you will attract. Karma is real; it is not good or bad, it just is. It is important to be intentional with yourself and your actions.

I was called a slut-shamer in high school because of a facebook post. I can’t even remember what my post was about- likely something like “finding love isn’t easy, but being easy won’t find you love.” Looking at that now, I can see how that could offend people, however I do believe that how you present yourself will attract certain people. For be fair, growing up I was taught that boys just want to have sex with you and once they do they’ll either leave or just use you for that.

With that being said, I was never person who dressed in super revealing clothing, because I knew that would bring certain attention. No, I don’t think it’s right that girls are taught to cover up, while boys aren’t taught how to be respectful- but this is the society and reality we live in. I know 100% if I were to post pictures of myself in more revealing clothing that I’d get more likes. This is not to sound cocky, this is the reality for any woman, because sex sells and the are literal horn-dogs everywhere. However, I also know that me putting those images out there will attract the men / people who are looking for that- and that was never something I wanted.

I never wanted one-night stands or flings or to be known as the girl who was “easy,” so I didn’t present myself that way. I never wanted a man who just wanted me for my body or sex, I wanted something real. I knew I wanted a respectful man who wasn’t going to use me or my body; I wanted someone who loved me for me, because my my body will inevitably change over the years, and there will always be someone younger / hotter. I knew that if someone wanted me based on my body or based on just sex, there’s a higher chance they’d leave me for a body better than mine, or be entertaining another body.

I don’t have anything against woman / people who show off their bodies or do SW or anything like that, because that really doesn’t have any effect on my life. I will say I have seen videos of p-stars / S-workers crying online saying how it’s a lonely life, and that people only look at you as an object and not as a person- which is 100% wrong, but it’s also an unfortunate consequence when that is what is advertised. I can imagine it is hard for a man to be out with his woman and guys just keep coming up saying how they’ve seen your girl naked and watched her get her back blown out by someone else- I definitely would be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed.

In reality that is all it comes down to- what are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Are you in alignment with the values you are seeking in a relationship? What do you consider to be faithful / loyal? Do you care about loyalty? I think the easiest question to use in any sort of relationship is: If your significant other did what you were doing, would you be comfortable with that? That will prevent many conflicts.

Now again this may be offensive and that’s not the intention, I just am an old soul and more conservative in that way than almost everyone I know and I felt the need to write through it. There definitely are people who are doing SW that have found love and have relationships, and they absolutely deserve healthy love! There are men and women who are completely okay with their significant others doing SW, and regardless, in any relationship, there just has to be open communication and understanding between each other in order to keep everyone safe, healthy and happy.

Overall, what other people do is none of your business, but what you do and how you present yourself attracts the life you’re seeking. Be intentional with the energy and frequency you emit into the world, as you get to make that choice. Live a life where you are aligned with your own values, goals and purpose.

Ready, Set, Grow

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I just read a post/quote and it just stopped me in my tracks. Cory Allen made a post that said “When wondering if a relationship is good for you, ask yourself: ‘would I be OK being more like them?’ Then you’ll have your answer.

Applying that to my current relationship with my fiancé, absolutely there was no doubt in my mind that I’d 100% be okay being more like him, but when I started thinking about a couple friendships I realized I may need to start being more honest with myself.

I am not like most of my friends, and I do feel like that is good to have balance and as someone who is empathic, it’s easy for me to understand why people do what they do. I don’t agree with everything that my friends do, but I also know how to set my own boundaries and not participate in things that do not align with my values- which is also probably fine and a reason I could keep all of my friends.

I struggle though when I notice certain red flags, and I don’t always know if I should bring them up or not. I guess it all goes back to how I am feeling and if whatever they are doing directly impacts me. In reality, what someone thinks about me really isn’t my business, but I also need to know that intentions are pure.

Someone who is indecisive and wishy-washy makes me hesitant, as I don’t know if they even know their own intentions. But at the same time, is that even my business? Do I really need to focus on that or overthink it?

My job is to set boundaries, advocate for myself when needed, and to take care of my own needs. I definitely have good friends and good connections, but I’m also one of those people who is very independent and prefer to keep certain things to myself. I guess as the year goes on I will just continue to listen to my gut and speak up, even if it may trigger certain things, because that is where the real growth is.

Over the Moon

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Yesterday my love and I went to our usual breakfast place to enjoy some yummy food and mimosas, and there was a special surprise in mine…A RING!! WE ARE ENGAGED! 🙌🏼😍💍✨

I am so so soooo overjoyed and still cannot believe this is real life! He did such a good job because I literally had no clue at all! I even finished the entire mimosa and still didn’t notice the ring, so he of course was freaking out, but I still was so oblivious. Finally he asked me for my orange from my mimosa and when I dumped it onto his plate he moved the orange and BOOM!

I literally was in shock. I just kept staring at it like “no way!” and “what is that?” and “who’s is that?” and he was like “who’s do you think it is?” and proceeded to tell me he wished to spend all his days with me and asked me to marry him!!!! AND OF COURSE I SAID YES!!!

At this point the waitress comes over and is like “you said yes?” and I said “Yes I did!” and she started clapping and then SO DID THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT! I was in complete shock and was just elated!! I truly did not expect that and I am still in completely awe. I’m so excited to get this wedding planned and marry my best friend! I’M A MOTHRFCKING FIANCÉ!!!

Also, because you know I love my signs from the universe, get this!!

On the way to breakfast I saw something that was my sign from the universe and I even said something outloud in the car. The car in front of us had the license plate “CJ 93111” and I looked at him and said “aw CJ 111, that’s us! It means new beginnings!” LIKE WHAT! Okay universe, I see you!!

So grateful, so happy, what a great weekend!

Love, Life, and Gratitude

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I woke up about ten minutes ago and got up to use the bathroom and feed the cats, and now I want to stay up to watch the sunrise in about 15 minutes or so. The sky is clear, the air is crisp as I’m feeling it through my bedroom window, and it just feels like a beautiful fall day.

I have been focusing on gratitude again and staying in my own energy, as I’ve noticed a lot of my toxic habits of complaining and judging coming back, and I don’t want that to be my life. I want to stay focused on my own life, my own business, and all that brings me peace.

When I was 16, I dreamt of the days that my current boyfriend and I would live on our own; having coffee together, going out to breakfast, cuddling up while watching movies/shows. I always wished upon eyelashes and dandelions that we would stay together forever and that we’d have a happy, healthy relationship, and I feel so blessed to have that today.

Now don’t get me wrong, although I trust in the assistance of the universe and angels, I know that our happiness comes from the effort we both put into the relationship. We have had to work on communication throughout the years, as well as continuing to learn about each other as we have evolved throughout the past (almost) 12 years; but the main thing is that we have always prioritized our relationship.

The relationship you have with your partner is arguably the most important relationship you have in your life. This is the person you will wake up next to and fall asleep with for the rest of your days. This is the person who will be raising your children with you. This is the person who will need your support during rough times, and also the same person you will lean on in your times of need. This is the person who you will build a life with, until either one of you inevitably passes away.

I feel so grateful every day to have such an incredible life partner, and I find it important to stay present and not take this for granted. I may get stressed with work and life in general, but I always try to turn back to gratitude and pay attention to all of the love I have in my life. People will have their judgments about anything and everything-hell I am guilty of it too-but I always know deep down that even though everyone has their own lives and flaws, but we’re all deserving of love and a peaceful life.

I am sitting on my balcony now listening to the birds chirp, realizing that I cannot see the sunrise with all of the trees in the way, but regardless I am grateful. I have a beautiful home, a plethora a good friends, and a wonderful life partner. I have my health, my intelligence, and my ability to continue to learn and grow. I have my beautiful fur babies, my reliable vehicle, and a job that allows me to live a comfortable life. Life is good when you focus on the good, and that’s what I plan to do.

My inner peace is my priority, and I deserve it.

It’s 5am on Sunday…

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…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!

I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.

It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.

On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.

I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.

Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.

Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.

-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-

I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.

The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”

This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.

In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).

I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.

I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.

We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.

We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.

Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.

Interdependent > Codependent

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I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:

This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.

When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.

I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.

With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.

Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.

As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!

When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.

Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.

I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.

I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.

I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.