It’s been a while since I’ve sat and written anything long form on here, and I can’t say I necessarily want to do that right now either, but I have been feeling some shifts this weekend that I feel like articulating and expanding upon for a second.

I am someone who hates disappointing people, but I’m also someone who really has been trying to empower the whole “don’t do want you don’t want to do” mindset. As someone who has been a people-pleaser her whole life, I was basically not living in any sort of authenticity because I always did whatever people wanted even when I didn’t necessarily want to do that.

This weekend we were invited to my husband’s cousin’s graduation ceremony. Now, we are obviously very excited and happy for his cousin for following his dreams and meeting his goals, but this ceremony was 3.5 hours away and we were not trying to pay for a hotel out there, so it was going to be an in and out trip. My husband ultimately decided to not go and that we would take his cousin and his wife out another time, which I felt so relieved about. I was not looking forward to a 7 hour commute and a ceremony.

My default is to feel guilt and shame about this, even though I really have not gone against any of my morals. For me, I would not expect my cousins to drive 3.5 hours for my college graduation… in fact, they didn’t even drive the 2 hours and I have never taken that personally! I do understand my relationship with family can be different than his, and ultimately this was his decision to skip the graduation so I really should be detached from it, yet yesterday I couldn’t help but feel guilty and like we’re the a**holes of the family. In reality though, we haven’t done anything wrong. I can understand 100% if they’re upset, but also I’m sure they can understand where we’re coming from too and it’s not something that will rip the family apart.

We also were asked to help our friends move on that same day and we didn’t go help them even though we didn’t end up going to the graduation. My husband had a project he was working on and I honestly just took a day for myself. I’ve been finally leveling out after a couple weeks of being very stressed and having bad mental health, so I just needed a day for rest and joy. Yesterday we did go to help them finish moving some boxes, but part of me still felt rude for not going to help on Saturday, even though I know I would have been exhausted and overall just not pleasant to be around.

My husband felt no guilt whatsoever for not going to the graduation or helping friends move, and it’s just crazy how differently our brains work. I also am like, maybe I should just embrace the fact that I also didn’t want to go do any of these things, and if that makes me an “a**hole,” then so be it! I think I have such issues with being “rude” or doing anything to upset people, because I really didn’t like how mean my dad was when I grew up.

In reality though, he was typically drunk and would be name-calling/making fun of big emotions. He’d pick on my weight or my intelligence, and that’s not anything I could see myself doing, nor is that what I have done this weekend. It definitely felt that his rudeness was more intentional, and me skipping out on a graduation is not actually comparable to the ways my dad was an a**hole.

I guess this is why I write, and why I need to get back to it. When I actually take time to think through and articulate my thoughts, I realize how illogical I’m being when it comes to how I punish myself or make myself feel guilty all the time. My inner critic gets very loud the instant that I feel I’ve done wrong, and I have to remember that she also is not very logical- she’s part of survival mode. My brain still thinks that being “perfect” and never upsetting anyone is how to stay safe, but that is not feasible, nor is it true. Authenticity is the answer. Love is the answer. I just have to embody those two things, and all will align as it should.