I love that I just logged into Walmart to do a grocery pickup order and just saw how literally they have huge discounts and deals right now. Of course they do… it’s after Christmas! I’m noting this for my future- maybe some gifts are gonna be accidentally left at the north pole and come late LOL.
But anyways here’s another day in bed trying to sweat out this flu. Literally woke up in the pool of sweat- my pajamas felt like I just pulled them out of a pool. This is great, because I’m sweating out my illness, but also it makes me feel disgusting and I need to wash myself and the bedding.
I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow, and I’m thinking I should be able to. I may tell people to just stay away from me (should be easy, I’m in the back away from people and patients), and I’ll keep a mask by if people get too close. Although the flu is hopefully gone, it feels like I may have some sort of bronchitis happening now. My husband still has a lingering cough as well, but per Google we can feel tired and have a cough for weeks after the flu! Love that for us! LOL
Overall I am glad we are in the positions we are in with work considering we already had some planned days off with the holidays. I’m glad we can still afford our bills and do grocery pickups and get what we need. I feel very blessed to have this life with my husband, and I am happy he is feeling up to working today and he’s able to do so from home!
Sending love and healing energy to all- I pray the rest of 2024 is full of peace, positivity, and love. 🤍
Christmas doesn’t look too different for us this year, other than we are recovering from the flu. I definitely still have it considering I still have a low-grade fever this morning- and I would not wish this illness on anyone. My husband and I have been miserable with battling inconsistent temperatures, congestion, cough, sore throat, body aches (more like zaps for me), and overall we are just exhausted.
His symptoms started a week ago today and he still is not 100%. My symptoms started on Monday so I am only technically on day three and it feels like it’s been a week already. We are blessed to be off work, be at home together, and have access to healthcare/medicine. Our Christmases are normally pretty chill, so in that regard, it’s not much different at all.
Sending healing, abundant vibes to everyone this holiday. May we remember what is truly important in this lifetime and give lots of gratitude for these blessings (hint: it’s not the material gifts).
I’d say Amy Noonan (Qveen Herby) is a big influence in my life. I absolutely love how she basically has created her own genre of music (affirmation, witchy rap) and the messages she spreads through her lyrics. Some of my favorite lyrics from her are:
“I never fail at nothing, I only learn.”
“Got no enemies is sight of me; every adversary came here to enlighten me.”
“Cynicism would be easy, but I never took the easy road. Bitch, when I let the old patterns die, that’s when I found happiness arrives.”
Overall she’s just an inspiring woman who reminds us to come home to ourselves and be confident in who we are. She’s 38 and doing shows with fancy costumes and props that she designs herself, and she does not give a f*ck what others think of her, because she is living her purpose.
I’m so glad I was able to see her live this year right before my birthday!
Writing this from my bed, because my husband has influenza A and this morning I woke up with a sore throat, body aches, and my post nasal drip trying to choke me out. I’m so very blessed to have good bosses and be in the situation we’re in. The fact that we were able to get my husband seen and diagnosed in under two hours is a blessing, and I’m just glad we’re able to rest it off and take care of ourselves.
I know this is only a couple days before Christmas, but it honestly works for us because we don’t have any Christmas plans other than stay at home! Holidays are typically pretty uneventful for us, other than the white elephant gift exchange we do with my family every January. We know that once we have children the holiday seasons will be much busier, so for now we just enjoy the peace and quiet together.
Even though I don’t feel great, I do feel very grateful🤍 Yeah, yeah, it was kinda lame, but I mean it!
When I initially read this, I thought “absolutely!” and then had a sudden flashback to when I thought this girl at my work was normal and she definitely was NOT. She was sort of a stalker of sorts honestly, and sometimes I still can’t help but judge myself when I literally LET HER CAT SIT MY BABIES WHEN MY HUSBAND (boyfriend at the time) AND I WENT ON VACATION. Luckily I no longer have contact with her, however I still recently was shown a picture where I discovered she named her baby boy the same name as my husband… but back to the prompt.
I decided to google “what makes a good judge of character,” and according to the AI generated response, I will still go with my initial reaction, I am very observant, I listen well, I notice when people are inconsistent in their words and actions, and putting all of this together can assist in making a good judge of character. I also need to trust my intuition more, which is something I’m working on in my current life. I truly do feel that I am a good judge of character, I think my issue with the situation I described at the beginning of my post was just being too trusting too soon.
I am a very empathetic person and at points in my life it has definitely been to my detriment- this weird coworker situation being one of them. I was already friends with one of the girls in that tiny billing office (let’s call her Amanda), and had discovered that I went to high school with the other girl, so I was pretty open and friendly in the beginning with everyone in there. I also had already worked for the company before, so I had already met this other girl (let’s call her Bethany) and never knew of anyone having any problems with her.
I had started at that job in September (years ago, but I’m not trying to go into specifics), and by Halloween my friend Amanda and I were celebrating in my downtown area with Bethany and her other friend and husband, Amanda and I had our boyfriends there as well, and everyone had a relatively good time. Since Bethany actually lived in my same town (yup… super uncomfy) we had made plans to go bowling another night with our significant others. When we did, honestly everything seemed normal. The whole forming of a friendship seemed normal…until it didn’t.
We had these weird work schedules and there would be times when Bethany and I would work just the two of us for an hour or so. Suddenly this girl would just start talking about very sexual shit, like girl had zero boundaries and honestly I had no clue where this was coming from. I’m a pretty conservative person and do not discuss that type of thing with friends, let alone coworkers… in the work place! It was so uncomfortable and I felt so awkward and just would try to ignore or redirect the conversation to work.
She also started to seem to like everything I liked and it started to feel weird. I talked once about how I would sometimes hula-hoop because I wanted to learn how to do cool tricks and dances, and the next day Bethany comes into work like “I wanna learn how to hula-hoop, let’s hoop together.” I also started listening to Gabby Bernstein and then suddenly she’s like “Oh I paid for her manifesting challenge, I can print two copies if you want one!”
As I mentioned earlier on, I had let this girl watch my cats when we had gone on a vacation (this was prior to all of the weird sexual talk and copycat behavior). Since Bethany knew where I lived, she decided to show up at my house unannounced one day. I was actually out with my cousin at the time, but my husband (bf at the time) was home. Luckily, he did not answer the door and he was honestly creeped out, as was I! Like bruh, my own mother does not show up unannounced… why the fuck do you think you can? According to her, she just wanted to show me her new scooter she rode over to the house.
So then I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with her at work, which I made sure not to do in front of anyone else, that she cannot come to my house unannounced as we do not like that. She basically kinda laughed about it, which I was hoping was just a cope laugh, but I also had to tell her that we are coworkers and not friends. Like I want everything to be normal at work, but that’s it. I kinda tried to use the boss and company as reasoning like I just didn’t want the drama, because it’s uncomfortable to straight up tell someone that they are weirding you out.
I mean this is something I’m working on with the people-pleasing, because I am very much aware I am allowed to speak up when I’m uncomfortable. I am no longer prioritizing other people’s comfort over my own. I feel like many people do fawn in situations, statistically women do more, and I wish women were just taught to be more assertive as young girls. I should not have felt so weird to just call her out and let her know I’m feeling uncomfortable and do not wish to talk to her.
I did end up going to the boss and letting her know how uncomfortable I was. At this point she kept bringing me my coffee order and saying things like “I had a free coffee! The universe has your back!” which is a Gabby Bernstein book. *eye-roll HARD* Not to mention I completely skipped the part where she was bringing her AirPods into the bathroom, but leaving her phone in the office with the little “ear” device on so she could listen to all of us in the office when she wasn’t in there. Yeah, Bethany really was some sort of wacko I hope to never come across again.
The more I observed Bethany, the more I recognized how all her value came from external validation and attention. She needed everyone else to like her. She made every situation somehow about her, and she’d always make herself the victim. Complete covert narcissist. Literally we had a girl working with us for several months, and during her time there, she had announced that she was pregnant. We were all so excited for her, except for Bethany.
Bethany wanted a baby of her own, and it was not happening for her at that time. Side note: honestly, even though she is not my favorite person, I was so happy for her when I was told that she was pregnant and when she had her baby a couple months ago. I have her blocked on everything so I wouldn’t have known without someone else telling me, and now I kind of wish I didn’t know, because I will forever be weirded out that her baby and my husband have the same name. Especially because she met my husband and also seemed to be oddly obsessed with him too in my opinion.
Okay I got off on a tangent for a second (and this entire prompt that turned into a whole ass story LOL), but Bethany was upset that our other coworker was pregnant. She literally said to me once “I think she’s rubbing in my face” and I said “I think she’s just excited to have a baby girl and a baby she will have all the time” (because she already had a boy and was actively fighting for full custody with her ex).
Our pregnant coworker ended up quitting a couple months before her due date, and in August we got the devastating news that she had actually passed away during childbirth. We were all very shocked and shook up by this incident, but I was also very shocked at what Bethany had to say.
She said, within literally minutes of learning this news, “this really hits home for me dealing with my infertility” ……. WHAT?! First of all, way to make HER FUCKING DEATH ABOUT YOU!! But also, our late coworker didn’t have any “infertility” issues, her death was a rare accident and she was full-term in her pregnancy. Literally what the fuck are you talking about? I was completely confused as to what was coming out of her mouth and was appalled that someone could make this horrific tragedy about themselves.
Once I was truly observing Bethany, I wanted nothing to do with her. We were not aligned in anything, no matter how much she would try to convince me that we were. I have learned a valuable lesson to allow myself time to observe and listen before diving into trust and closeness. I don’t think I’ll let anyone new ever watch my cats again, or know where I reside, and I will be more vocal when I am uncomfortable, because if you have no problem making me uncomfortable, then I have no problem returning the favor. Life is all about lessons, and typically the hardest situations allow for the most growth.
When my husband and I are both feeling healthy and we don’t have any set plans for an entire weekend, that makes me happy. I love not feeling rushed or like I’m restricted to any schedule, and I enjoy the peace of it all- even if some find that peace to be boring.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my nervous system was so dysregulated for so long, and I used to be extremely uncomfortable when it was time to be calm.
I’d never allow myself to relax, I looked at rest as a privilege rather than a necessity, and I just constantly burned myself out with never-ending to-do lists. Now that I have recognized the importance of rest and I have become more regulated, I absolutely love “boring” weekends.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love connecting and conversing with good friends as well. I find that Face-timing or spending times with friends fills my heart with love and typically boosts my energy-there’s just something about a weekend at home with my life-partner that allows for a full re-charge, and just keeps my heart so full.
I get really reactive when I mess something up. It triggers the perfectionism in me- like I am not allowed to make mistakes, like all of my work was for nothing, like I’m a failure. Sometimes I feel the spiral coming and I just let it. Instead of using my tools or pausing to breathe, sometimes I just let it overtake me.
Am I too tired to use my tools, or am I punishing myself because I feel like I deserve it? I know I’m not too lazy to change and do the work, because I’ve made so much noticeable progress over the years- so is it self-sabotage? Is it just being a fucking human being with an ego? Is it hormones? Did I eat enough today? No.
Today was just annoying in and of itself, I was over all of it. Today feels like a regression, but I am now recognizing as I type this that this is part of the journey to becoming emotionally mature. Paying attention to these things that get me so bothered and actually trying to understand them.
Like I am very aware that I grew up in a reactive household. I also am aware that I had a verbally abusive father who often told me I was a dumbass, and even told me that I’d fail when I moved out on my own and I’d be crying to come back there. So failure just never feels like the option- but who is here to “punish me” when I fail? No one… so I do it. But why? Would I scream at a friend or my husband for making a simple mistake like dropping an eggshell in batter? Absolutely not! But that is 100% what sent me on a spiral this evening.
Granted again, I had a rough day as it is just getting triggered about people and their lack of work ethic, but why does that bother me? Likely, because I have been working for what feels like most of my life and always have put pride into what I do. I have also worked for shitty employers who did not appreciate my work, and I am blessed to say I don’t have that problem anymore- so that’s why I get triggered when I can see good bosses being taken advantage of. However, I can focus on myself and stay in my line and keep doing my job, and that is definitely what is best for myself and my mental health.
Back to the whole thing where I feel like I’m stupid when I fuck up- I am very much aware that I hold myself to insane standards that I don’t expect from anyone else… I just struggle to let it go. I struggle because I feel that my high standards are what got me to where I am today. Moving out at 19, buying a house at 21, working upwards in my career, having a stable relationship- weren’t my high standards for myself the reason I could do all of this?
When I actually think about that… no they aren’t. Me being me and being able to reach out for help and use resources is the reason I’m able to do the things I do. Holding myself to insane expectations only allows me to feel rigid and anxious when things aren’t going right- but failure is just an opportunity to learn and pivot.
Failure is an inevitable thing in life- I hear it in so many self-help podcast interviews with successful people. They always say that failure is basically step one- we all have to fail to be able to learn and grow for the next experience. Today I learned that I will always crack eggs in a separate container before mixing them in batter so it is easier to remove the shell. I wouldn’t have learned that without dropping the shells in.
The best part of all of this stupid eggshell story is that I got the eggshells out of the batter eventually anyways! So I had an entire spiral of negativity for no reason; but also since I believe that everything happens for a reason- I guess this was it. I honestly am proud of myself that I even took time to sit and journal myself out of the triggered state.
I really do want to stop punishing myself and holding myself to such high standards, and now I can refer back to this post where I literally show myself how doing those things aren’t necessary or helpful at all. This one thing won’t fix it all, this will be a repetitive process until I build a strong habit, and I am very much willing to do the work. Guess I’ll start with giving myself grace and celebrating this little win of slowing down and dissecting my thoughts with curiosity.
I decided to take December off of social media, so I deleted Instagram off of my phone. I already had Facebook deleted as I barely go on there, but I did go on once I had our wedding photos and that’s when I found myself back in a cycle of constantly checking on my posts.
Yesterday my phone widget told me that the full moon was arriving today, so I had decided to re-download Instagram for the purpose of going to a specific astrology Instagram page I follow (Sisters Village- I know I’ve mentioned them before) for the full moons tasks/prompts. Luckily it was easy to just go on and get off- literally I just logged in, got my screenshots of her page, and re-deleted the app.
Below is the checklist she posted for the full moon, and as you’ll see, I was already checking #2 off the list! I love when things like this happen, because it feels like a sign that I am in alignment. I’ve been trying to be very mindful and present these past few weeks, and I have been feeling good mentally, and I want to keep up with this especially during this winter season.
Ironically enough, when I went to screenshot her post, I had just finished cleaning the bathroom, which included decluttering the linen closet and getting rid of old towels. I recently had decluttered our kitchen and downstairs closet as well, and honestly it feels so good to just get rid of things that we don’t use. So now I just have to work on bullet points 3 and 4!
I did recently get to connect with my family in Iowa since I took a trip out there last weekend to see Wicked with my Grandma! I’ve been kind of connecting more with myself than with friends though, but it is purposeful for this short period of time. I take a while to recharge and get back in tune with myself, and since this entire year was so busy with friends and family with the whole wedding happening, I’m really enjoying this quiet time with just myself and my husband.
I do want to connect with friends soon, and I have plans these next couple weekends to have fun, creative times with friends, but until then I’m gonna enjoy this weekend of peace and reconnecting with myself during this full moon. Below are the prompts that also came from that Instagram page, incase anyone else wants to join in with this time of reconnecting. Sending love to everyone this Sunday!
Excited for a calm weekend to relax and reset. We have no plans other than hanging out around the house and going on a breakfast date to our favorite place (aka where we got engaged). Im just thinking about how I will be able to get the house cleaned up and take time to myself; as an introvert, these are my favorite weekends.
Also it’s Friday the 13th which is one of my favorite days, as my husband’s lucky number is 13, and we have three black cats! For us, we have always considered it to be a lucky day- and I’m feeling this energy.
finding light in the dark 