I’m calling today day three of recovery, even though technically I had the surgery done two days ago. My surgery was so early in the morning that the entire day counted as recovery (in my eyes LOL).
Today I did throw up and I think that is due to the pain medicine. The reason I didn’t have nausea the last couple days is because the hospital had put an anti-nausea patch behind my ear, so that had been helping keep the nausea away. I had to take the patch off, because it does cause dry mouth which unfortunately hinders the healing of my tonsils as I am supposed to keep the mouth relatively hydrated.
I’m hoping that since I am having some bone broth and mashed potatoes that will keep me from getting nauseous again. I will say, it’s kind of annoying because I’ve been instructed to eat ice cream/popsicles to help with the pain and swelling, but the sugar can make me nauseous.
Either way, I am surviving and working through it all. My mom came by to visit today which was nice, and my husband has been so helpful and amazing during this entire process. I am so lucky and so grateful for all of the love I have in my life.
Feeling blessed and feeling pain- but overall all is well. I have been lacking a little sleep, but as the pain goes down, I’m sure I’ll be able to sleep better than ever! I am making sure to take the medications as directed to manage the pain as well, I’m just hoping it continues to go down.
My mouth is insanely dry right now for a couple reasons. One is I have to breathe through my mouth right now since my nose has packing in it (I start to rinse that out today). The other reason is because they have me a nausea patch the wear so I didn’t get sick after the anesthesia and pain meds, and they told me in can make my mouth and eyes very dry.
I can leave the patch on for a couple more days and honestly I want to because I usually get nauseous and I’d rather not feel like I’m going to puke while I’m also in pain. As much as the dry mouth sucks, I’ll just keep sipping my iced water.
I am just grateful for cuddles with my husband and my cats while I heal. I am falling back asleep as I write this, so I’m going to listen to my body and go back to bed. I hope everyone has a great Friday and upcoming weekend. 🤍
my baby girl Sky aka the birthday girl!! happy 10th birthday to my senior kitty.
Enjoying a peaceful morning reading my book and admiring the fog outside. I’m getting breakfast with my friend in a few hours, but it’s so nice starting the day slow and quiet.
I have my pre-op appointment for my tonsillectomy tomorrow, and then surgery is bright and early on Thursday morning! I’m doing my best to lean into faith over fear, and luckily this is such a routine procedure that I’m really not too worried about it.
The only thing that I keep thinking about is I worry that my actual voice will sound permanently different, because I am also having my nasal tissue removed/reduced so I can actually breathe properly through my nose. I feel like I have a pretty nasally voice, so I’m interested to see if that changed afterwards.
Regardless I’m sure all will go smoothly, for now I’m just working on keeping myself calm and my nervous system regulated.
I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.
I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.
So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.
Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.
I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.
After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.
I am feeling quite tired this morning, but I know it’s because I stayed up later than usual. Like I said in my last post, yesterday was my last day of dance class for a little bit while we go on spring break and I have my surgery. Typically I don’t get home until around 9pm after dance and then I really needed to shower; once I finished my shower, instead of going to bed, I made the mistake of scrolling on my phone – hence this morning’s exhaustion.
I will make it through it though! Even writing this is helping my brain to wake up. Ready for another productive day at work and I’m looking forward to resting once I get home! I hope everyone has a great Wednesday!
I felt like I was getting so much sleep this morning that I actually slept through the entire day and I was going to wake up to my Monday morning alarm for work. Needless to say, that did not happen and for that I am thankful. It did feel nice to get a lot of sleep-I’ve been feeling the need to rest and reset lately so I am embracing this slow weekend and season in my life.
I decided to make myself a new Tumblr page yesterday. When I was younger, Tumblr was my first blog. It is mainly photos and you can post your own and/or “re-blog” from others, but it always felt so therapeutic to me. I had been messing around with a few settings here on WordPress and just kept thinking about how much I missed having a photo-blog (aka Tumblr)-so I decided to sign up and create a new one! If you want to check it out you can at https://themagicshecreates.tumblr.com/
I have this thought that comes back every now and again about how us humans feel the need to be in the loop on every tragedy happening around the globe, yet we aren’t even present to our own health and financial goals. How are we going to save the world or solve any problems when we are struggling to survive ourselves?
People scream at other people on the internet calling them privileged for ignoring the horrific news, when there are tons of people who are informed but aren’t doing anything about it. For example, my mom is always complaining about politics and whatever but she doesn’t write letters to representatives or do anything productive with that information. Also, how informed is anyone when the news/media is profiting of your anxieties and fears?
The only reason to be on the internet is to spread true authentic love and light. I have such a love/hate relationship with Instagram, which is why I am happy I signed back up for tumblr, where people aren’t commenting and going back and forth-we are all just sharing art. I also like the app Lapse for this reason as well. I am going to end up taking time back off Instagram again, which always makes me feel better mentally.
Today is going to be a peaceful Sunday, and I am just soaking in all of the blessings around me. I am grateful to have a warm home and roof over my head. I am grateful to have an incredible life partner who loves and respects me. I am grateful to have friends who encourage me and are rooting for me. I am grateful that my husband and I have our jobs so we are able to pay our bills and have fun in this life we have built together. Finally, I am thankful for my angels and guides who keep me divinely protected and blessed- thank you, thank you, thank you!
It’s dark this morning since we just had daylight savings, and this makes me just want to stay home and sleep! I’m not though, I’m heading out to work here soon and I have a nail appointment after work I am looking forward to!
Today will be a great start to the week, and I am excited for the nice weather and for it to be lighter out later!
Today was much needed. My husband and I got to sleep in, so we went out for breakfast at 1pm! Once we got home I kept my promise to myself and made us green juice for the week, as well as some ginger shots! I also did a little bit of vision board journaling.
This morning I was actually crying tears of joy, and it was all because I was truly just feeling into the love and joy in my life. I used to feel so riddled with anxiety to the point that I never could just be in the present moment, and now that I catch myself consciously feeling joy, I’ve been trying to really lean into that feeling and giving it space.
Life is full of struggles and hardships, but the love that we have in our lives is what makes it possible to survive. Lean into the love around you, and remember to recognize how truly blessed you are. Sending extra love to everyone this Sunday!
Woke up feeling grateful this morning. My friend and I took an adult dance class last night and learned almost a minute of choreography, which honestly I was pretty impressed that we learned that much in an hour, especially with us having zero dance experience!
We learned a mix of contemporary with hip-hop while dancing to Apologize by One Republic (a classic of course)! I did have a few moments where I was like “okay where tf am I and what am I doing?” but I kept reminding myself that this was no pressure and simply for fun!
I’m proud of myself for trying something new, and honestly I’m thinking about signing up for the class and going weekly! I’ll have to work around my surgery coming up next month, but it sounds like they will work with me on that. I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!!
Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.
My people-pleasing phase has been difficult to let go of, but I can see the difference in how I feel now compared to when I was in the thick of it. I feel so much lighter, like I’m not carrying a bunch of pressure or resentment within me.
It was hard to come to the realization that people-pleasing actually has nothing to do with “pleasing” the other person, and everything to do with yourself. I thought I was saying “yes” when I meant “no” and when I signed up to help for things when I didn’t want to that I was doing a good thing. I thought that I am sacrificing my time for someone in need, because that’s what they needed, and if the roles were reversed, I may want them to help me too!
In reality though, as much as it was true that I wanted to be a helpful person, I was also doing it to avoid conflict and this only created internal conflict. I didn’t want to be responsible for disappointing someone, because deep down I already felt like a huge disappointment. This was all my perspective based on childhood issues and what not, but I know now that adults can handle disappointment and it is not my job, nor do I have the ability to control other people’s emotions.
Leaning into a place where I take time to decide whether or not I want to do something has made life so much easier for me. I used to feel tremendous guilt when I would tell people “no” or when I needed to reschedule, but now I just give myself the same grace I give to others! I was never upset when my friends had to reschedule plans or were unable to help me with something, I knew that was part of life and I didn’t hold it against them- so why was I so concerned they’d hold it against me? Or was I just holding it against myself?
I used to have pretty low self-worth, and I think that deep down I was worried about people hating me or deciding that I was a bad friend. I had that fear because that was how I was viewing myself- I didn’t like myself and I never felt like I was good enough for anyone or anything. I had a horrible, dark view of myself and I am so grateful that I can finally see myself in a lens of love and light.
It has taken years of therapy and mental re-wiring, and although I can still feel those people-pleasing tendencies pulling at me at times, I have created much stronger boundaries and a stronger sense of self, so I no longer feel guilty and eaten alive when I am choosing myself. For the longest time I put other peoples’ feelings and comfort levels before my own, but that is not a healthy life.
I am not only allowed to, but I am encouraged to express when I am feeling uncomfortable. I would never want a future daughter of mine to feel that she has to be overly polite to someone she is uncomfortable around, nor would I want her to be quiet when someone is being mean to her. I have always had an easier time standing up for my friends rather than myself, and I look at that as a huge problem. Of course it’s nice to stand up for others, but the fact that I’d do it for anyone else before myself shows that I care more about their feelings than my own.
That is not a lesson I wish to teach, nor one I wish to live by any longer. I used to worry that I’d become selfish or a narcissist if I stopped people-pleasing, but in reality, it isn’t selfish to have boundaries and self worth. I am empathetic and compassionate, but with strong boundaries, this is no longer to my own detriment. Letting go of people-pleasing was a hard phase to overcome, and I still know I’ll be learning lessons around this throughout my lifetime.
finding light in the dark 