Today I woke up to snow and honestly I am not happy about it. Luckily the roads are clean and it’s aesthetically pleasing, but it just reminds me of how much I hate driving in it when it’s bad. I always get so much anxiety around it, even though I’ve survived every year of winter thus far. I guess the odds are are in my favor so I will just try to keep that in mind this year. I likely need to get some new tires which is fine, but it is also slightly inconvenient timing. Someone recently hit my car door with their car door and didn’t leave a note, so I also have to file a claim with my insurance to get it repaired. It is a leased vehicle, and the estimate was just shy of $1,500.00 because of where they hit it and how the dent it (literally why tf is car shit always soooo expensive)! To be fair, I do plan to buy the car in May once the lease is up, I just don’t want the car to rust and have more damage since it went down to the metal.

Regardless, the stuff has to get fixed, and we just put winter tires on my husband’s car yesterday. I tend to get triggered around money. I had a lot of control issues around money as a child, as I looked as money as a means to freedom. I knew that the more money I had saved, the more likely I would be able to move out as soon as I turned 18 (turns out, life is expensive and I ended up moving out a couple months before my 20th birthday). Although my husband and I have always been able to figure things out, I still find myself having moments of lack mentality and just being worried about expenses. Once we sit down and go through the budget again, I usually feel better, but I want to get to a point where I don’t constantly need to look at the budget every time a life expense arises. I know that means building an emergency fund, which luckily we are almost at a place where we can start doing that.

I need to take time to recognize that we will always be able to figure things out though-we have been for 10 years! We are very blessed to have good credit, but we also worked hard for that and we make sure our bills are paid on time/in full. We have also goals and plans to get rid of as many monthly payments as possible, and ideally that means getting rid my car payment next. We do still enjoy life though, and that is where I end up feeling guilty when bigger expenses come up. I have to challenge this guilt though, because I am not doing anything against my morals or actually wrong when I am buying an iced coffee or going out to breakfast with my husband; it’s not like we’re out here spending thousands of dollars on vacations or fancy bags. When expenses come up, we limit our spending and cut things out so that we can prioritize the bills and avoid any interest or fees. We are responsible, we work hard, and we communicate well, so I can trust that we will make it through any obstacles together.

Life looks a lot different now than it did back when I was a teenager saving money without having any expenses. I think where I find myself still feeling shame is the fact that it feels like I had way more money saved up when I was a kid compared to what I have now. Again, I was a kid, so I had no monthly payments or expenses, and I was saving for my future. I used that money to pay for my Associate’s Degree, as well as help with the closing costs of our home, and just overall life expenses that came up with home-ownership and adulting. If you really think about it, that savings went exactly where it was supposed to, and the bills we pay are bills we want to pay, because we enjoy the amenities that come from those payments.

We enjoy having clean, warm water to shower in, as well as having electricity so we don’t have to do so in the dark. We are happy the garbage man takes our trash so we don’t have to go lug it around to some dump across town. We enjoy a warm, cozy home as the temperatures and snowflakes drop outside. We like having newer, reliable vehicles with good insurance coverage so that I only have to pay a deductible when someone decides to whack my car door. So maybe I don’t have the same amount of savings that I had before, but I also live the life that I want, with the person I love. I have a life partner who is on my team and together we make and meet our goals, no matter what obstacles show up along the way. It may not always look like how we wanted it to, but we always figure it out together. I feel very blessed and a lot more calm now about everything. Writing definitely helps to slow the racing thoughts, and I am grateful to have the time and space to share these thoughts.