New week

Well, this week should be interesting. Tomorrow is the start of my last two weeks at this job, and I plan to help the employees there and patients as much as I can in these next two weeks. Hopefully the doctor just leaves me alone to do my job.

If I am treated poorly or unfairly during my time, then I will gladly leave sooner. I am hopeful that things just go smoothly and I don’t have any unnecessary anxiety this week. I can’t wait to work in a less stressful environment with less overall pressure on me everyday.

I think the hardest part will be trying my best not to let everyone else’s emotions have an effect on me and really just setting firm boundaries. I’m done coming home from work completely exhausted and ready to go right to bed. I need time for myself and time to spend work my boyfriend.

We will see if I end up writing at all in the middle of this week- if I don’t then I will upset next Sunday. Until then I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Glad it’s over

After several months of puking daily, being extremely stressed, and dealing with emotional abuse..I finally put in my two weeks to my boss yesterday. It didn’t go very great, which was expected, but I was a little shocked at how unprofessional she was. However, at the same time this is exactly why I’m leaving.

Quitting this job was a very tough decision for me to make, especially because I am very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes and I know how much I do for the office. But I’ve been throwing up every morning before work for several months, and my anxiety is completely out of control. Whenever I talk to my therapist (which I am super excited to talk to her next Friday) we always talk about how toxic she is and my work environment is and how many hours I spend there. I’ve been so depressed lately and I can’t handle her constant outbursts.

When I gave her my resignation letter I was obviously nervous and I knew she would be upset, but I had to do it and I waited for everyone else to be out of the office. She told me that she wished I would have told her sooner that I was unhappy (even though she knew I was throwing up because we talked about it more than once). She also said I know she’s losing one of her assistants in August and another is going on maternity leave in October and that it’s going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks (which is hard, but I have to do what’s best for my health).

I told her I had no ill intentions, even though she is literally the reason I’m leaving, and she said that she wouldn’t have paid me all that overtime if I didn’t want it and that she’s just “so nice to everyone” and everyone just screws her over. She is clearly delusional because she is NOT a nice person. She has literally yelled at me on multiple occasions for simply doing my job! I was entering insurance checks at 7:30am because the day before I didn’t have time to do it, and she came over asking to see them before I enter them so I started handing them to her and I let her know I set some aside because she recently came out of network with them and she just snaps and yells “I got the mail! Just let me deal with the mail!!” and stormed off.

Anyways, I also told her that I just need to work on myself and she literally said to me “Yeah, you need to work on yourself because you’re going to be your own worst doom.” I already feel that way and know that I am my own worst enemy, and her saying that to me was completely inappropriate. I am leaving in a professional manner, and two weeks is a courtesy! I’ve been there a little over a year and we have literally had eight people come and go, and before I started she literally had a new front desk person every other month for years! Maybe she should look at the common denominator.

At the end she told me to give her my keys and to “forget about Saturday,” because I was supposed to have to work tomorrow (which I’m glad I don’t have to!) and after I got home she text me that I am already at 39.77 hours for the week so not to come in today. And at work she told one of my coworkers that we (her employees) need to learn how to manage our stress. She is the one who takes out all her stress/issues on us and makes us so anxious! I’m not the only one who has thrown up at work because of anxiety! She also told my other coworker that she didn’t understand why I’m leaving because she was never bad to me.

She is clearly not very aware of her actions and how she comes across, or she’s very much in denial, but either way she needs to do some self-reflecting and this is not my issue to deal with. I have my own life and my own health to worry about. Putting in my notice and dealing with her reaction was probably one of the most stressful times in my life, and I am just glad it’s over.

New medication (again)

On Friday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my therapist referred me to, and after an hour long discussion of me quickly describing my life childhood to now and explaining how I’ve felt on all of my previous and current medications he prescribed Cymbalta. I am to wean off my Buspar for the next couple weeks while starting the new one which I just started yesterday.

I am more hopeful with this medication; now that I’ve tried a few others and was able to self-reflect and then inform an educated physician about my experiences I feel like there’s more of a chance of success compared to when I first started with medications. I remember seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and talking to her for 20 minutes about how I was feeling and she put me on Zoloft right away. And when I wanted to come off of it after almost nine months she told me I needed to stay on it for a year. Well I didn’t listen and took myself off of it and stayed away from medications for a while.

When I started having almost daily panic attacks and chest pains I decided to see my primary care and was prescribed Lexapro which I had a weird delayed allergic reaction to and then was switched to Prozac. I felt like that was helpful for a while until we increased the dose and I felt like things were getting worse (I had lots of racing thoughts which didn’t help my anxiety at all), and I realized that I had been having side effects that I didn’t like the entire time I was on prozac, they just weren’t as severe as when we increased the dose.

When I explained that to the primary care doctor I was switched to an anxiety only (rather than an antidepressant) medication called Buspar which is what I am now currently weaning off of. This medication I honestly feel like it hasn’t done anything. I felt reassured when I saw this new doctor on Friday and he told me that many colleagues of his rarely saw good results for anxiety patients that medication.

Overall I am hopeful as I previously stated-lately I’ve been so down and unmotivated to do anything which is really bumming me out. I know I should just try faking it until I make it but I just feel so tired all the time. Hopefully I won’t be feeling this way much longer.

Dark world

I didn’t write on Sunday, and I’ve been beating myself up about it, but I can’t even do that because that was a very busy day. I was going to write yesterday, but after work I was too tired and drained. The world is so sad and dark right now and it’s hurting my soul. I just feel heavy and tired and always on the verge of tears.

I know I need to write about it, I just feel like there’s too much to say. My thoughts are always racing and jumbled and there’s so much going on and I feel so overwhelmed by my own brain. I had to delete my facebook and twitter (other than it sharing my blog post and stream automatically) for my own sanity, and I don’t plan on going back anytime soon. Constantly reading and soaking in all the negativity is seriously hurting my mental health, so I stopped.

A thought that continues to come into my head is that I am just grateful that I do not have children right now. On the phone the other day my mom apologized to me that I have to live in this shit world and that she always said she didn’t want kids for this reason. I reassured her that I’m okay, because I am; I can handle anything, it’s just hard right now.

I will admit I am scared. I’m scared of the state of this country as we watch it divide. It hurts me deeply to see other people have such lack of empathy for other human lives- and it can be for something as simple as having a different opinion. If people focused less on violence and hatred of those with opposing views, and focused on coming together, finding common ground, and working towards solutions I feel that we’d be in a much better world. I haven’t prayed in years… but I might just pray for that tonight.

Long weekend with nothing to do

Honestly this weekend is making me a bit upset when I think about how I’m not out having a huge BBQ with friends or family and/or not going to the dells… I just want life to be normal again. I don’t like complaining but I also am very much tired of all of this.

Today I streamed on my Twitch channel because that’s something I decided to start doing. It’s interesting, I am trying to figure out more things to do on the stream so if anyone has suggestions just let me know! I could just be open about my mental health on there… I’m not sure if Twitch is the place for that though LOL.

I also went on a walk which was both great yet terrible. It’s hot and sunny today, which I love, but also it’s like 90% humidity outside and I was dying. I’m so glad to be inside enjoying the AC right now. I’m going to go shower and get ready for my stream at 6:30 because my boyfriend agreed to try to do my makeup which should be fun! I hope everyone’s enjoying their weekend!

When this is over

When this is over, people will be more friendly. Strangers will say “hello!” and engage in polite conversation, rather than just faking smiles or simply not making eye contact.

When this is over, people will reach out to their friends and loved ones more often. Family members will catch up and have meaningful discussions, without being distracted by their devices.

When this is over, people will be nicer to themselves. The constant self-doubt and loathing will disappear, and instead self-care and confidence will take over.

When this is over, people will enjoy concerts and festivals more than ever and will learn to live those moments to the fullest, rather than recording and taking pictures to post for irrelevant “likes.”

I hope that during this time people are working on themselves and improving aspects of their lives as best as they can in their situations. I hope people are self-reflecting and realizing what is truly important to them, and what makes them genuinely happy.

We never know what life will throw at us, but having good people beside us when it gets hard makes it all a bit easier. More importantly, we are the only ones who are guaranteed to be by our side the entire time, therefore it is crucial that we love and care for ourselves. ♡

Stuck inside

Well, so much for this being my time to travel! Being inside isn’t exactly my favorite thing, but I’ve been trying to be productive! This morning I did a workout downstairs in my woman cave, and I did a load of towels and have just been slowing organizing the house. I mean if I’m here and have nothing else to do, I might as well clean up and be productive!

I am happy to see that there are still people being positive during these times, because I feel like we need that more than ever. One of my friends decided to pick up some rocks and bricks around her neighborhood and paint them and then put them back out around the community! It’s something small, but it could make someone’s day who’s just on a walk.

Another great thing is that one of my good friends who has been struggling to get pregnant just announced that her and her husband are having a baby in October! I am so happy for them; they’re just such great people and I just know they will be amazing parents. They deserve the absolute best, and amongst all the shit that’s going on the in world, they are defying odds and making miracles happen.

Feel free to share any good news stories or something you’re proud of. Let’s remember that we are all in this together and there’s no point in being negative and upset when we have no control over what is happening.

Weird World

I feel like we’re in an endless episode of black mirror; it feels like we’re in some alternate universe. The stores are more empty than ever before, there’s barely any traffic, and it’s eerily quiet outside. I have so many thoughts but I seem to focus on any of them for more than a few minutes.

Our state just issued a shelter in place that starts at 5pm today. We can still go to grocery stores, work, pharmacies, and gas stations- but other than that many places are closed and we are all to stay inside to prevent the spread of coronavirus. I understand that we don’t want this to spread, and many people are dying from this in other countries, it just really feels like there’s more going on than just the virus.

My dad was always into conspiracy theories, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he may have passed some of that onto me. No, I’m not crazy and I understand that conspiracies aren’t always reality, but sometimes you can’t help but question certain things. I think that there’s something much bigger going on than this virus, and this just happens to be a great way to instill fear in people so we are more willing to give up rights; but I digress.

I decided to work on my woman cave yesterday. I might as well have a space that I love to be in if we have to quarantine for weeks! It honestly will be nice to spend time with my boyfriend and the cats; I feel like it’s good for humanity to take a step back and remember what is truly important in life. I don’t want to just sulk around when all of this is happening- I feel it is important to stay positive and keep looking at the bright side.

Perks

I’m trying to teach my brain to focus on the positive aspects of my job and not the negative/stressful parts. I know that anywhere I work will have its share of stress and shit to deal with, in which case I should be focusing on the benefits I receive from doing this job.

I don’t think I’ve really dove into what I do for work, but I manage a dental practice (two offices). I used to work in dental about five years ago and am very familiar with the healthcare field since I was just at a dermatology practice for almost three years. I definitely add value to this office and everyone I work with makes sure to tell me, which I appreciate.

The reason it’s so stressful is because the doctor I am working for hasn’t had an office manager for the past ten years, and on top of that all of the front desk staff wasn’t calling on insurance claims, getting patients insurance information, demographic information… you know, all the common sense stuff that you get in a healthcare practice! Needless to say, I walked into a literal clusterfuck.

As those of you have read in previous posts, I am very hard on myself. In the beginning of this job I kept telling myself that after a year the office would be running smoothly and it would be a walk in the park… well I was VERY wrong and of course am upset with myself about it. What I fail to acknowledge is the fact that I had basically zero training at this job, there were about seven people who came and went within my first six months of working there, we see upwards of 25+ patients a day and also the phones don’t stop ringing.

I am the person who checks patients in and out, answers the phones, schedules patients, calls on claims, sends out claims, sends dental records, coordinates referring patients to specialists, billing, etc. I do it all. This is why I’m so overwhelmed, but it’s also why the office isn’t where I want it to be at this point. I am doing too much and there’s barely any time to breathe, let alone fix the past four years of chaos that went on in the office.

Alright I realize I said I was going to talk about the perks and focus on the positives, but I feel like I need to explain the work load and why I have trouble remembering the good things. Something that the doctor I work for did for us last week was she paid for us to have a private pilates lesson; not only that but after the session she signed us up for another one for the end of this week! She wanted to get back into pilates and she thought we could all use a nice stress relief, and it’s great to work for someone who genuinely cares about their employees.

Another great thing is she has a house in Hawaii, and she lets her employees go stay there for free! Well we obviously pay for the airfare, but we have a house to stay in! My boyfriend and I will be taking advantage of that in October. I can also basically take off whenever I want to as long as I give enough notice! I get paid well, I’m not salary so I still get paid overtime, and for Christmas she gave me $400 in AMEX gift cards.

Overall, there are definitely great benefits from being at this job. I have no plans to leave, I know I can get this office where it needs to be. I just need to remind myself that good things take time, and I am doing my best. I feel like reminding myself of the good will keep me motivated and more positive. ♡