My husband and I are on our way home after a fun day playing on a huge water obstacle course! Yesterday my husband suggested that we do something fun, and after looking online for a while, we decided on this! It was a much fun, but boy was it hella exercise LOL! I know we are gonna feel it tomorrow.
I’m so glad we went- not only because it was a fun date day, but also because I need to be prioritizing joy in this season of my life. I noticed yesterday after we booked it, and even this morning that I was having anxiety about it and feeling uneasy. I knew it was mainly because it’s not anything I’ve ever done before, but I still feel like part of me always tried to self-sabotage whenever I am doing something for myself.
The good news is that I noticed it early on today, and my husband was also very aware and making sure to check in on me and reassure me. I always feel bad that I tend to make our good days start out poorly just with my anxiety and control issues. I always feel like everything has to go perfectly, but my rigidness is worse than things just going awry on their own. I know this, and I know I need to give my perfectionist part of me love rather than shame.
Dear little perfectionist with me, you are allowed to relax. I know you had to make sure that all things were thought through, and I know that control makes you feel safe; the truth is that nothing is ever perfect, and you have not only survived all of those imperfect moments in your life- you thrived. No matter how much you overthink and over plan, all will happen exactly as it should, and you’ll always be able to handle it. You don’t have to be so uptight and rigid, in fact, you deserve rest and joy more than you know- I pray you open up to receive it.
I’ve been feeling a shift coming, some wild blessings and miracles on the way. Like I’m excited, for something that I don’t know I’m excited for- if that makes sense. My birthday is around the corner, and I will say I am very excited to celebrate my 30th with my close friends, but it feels like it’s something else. Either way, I’m trusting in my angels and the universe that I can trust and just be ready to receive.
Feeling kinda meh this evening- like I don’t have any hobbies that I truly enjoy or get lost in. I know I have some, but I guess I’ve just been feeling a lack of motivation. I know it’s just a phase and it’ll pass soon, so I’m not that bothered by it, but obviously enough to write this little blurb.
I saw this post that said something along the lines of “start thinking of people as energy, you’ll spend your time wiser.” There’s just no point in spending time with energy vampires, all they do is suck the light out of you.
High school never ends until you decide it does. No matter where you work or where you further your education, you’ll have people around you who still want to spread lies and drama as a form of their own entertainment. It is up to you if you’re going to feed into that energy.
Gratitude is a magical thing. I find that I am so much more present and happy when I practice daily gratitude.
Success and being “rich” looks different to everyone- get specific with yourself about your dream life. What does it look like?
Love is always the answer, and I believe that no amount of material items could replace the feeling of genuine love and connection.
Feeling fabulous this Friday because it’s about to be the weekend! Also feeling great because day by day I am leaning into faith and just trusting that all is exactly how it should be. I can only control my mindset and my responses to the world, so that is all I can really focus on controlling. I can’t control how other people act or treat others, but I can control how much energy and attention I give to others.
I am only putting time and energy in where it is being reciprocated, and I only want to focus on what is serving me, rather than wasting time on negative sh*t. How someone acts is none of my responsibility, but if someone treats me with disrespect, it’s my right to stand up for myself. I am in an era of being as authentic as possible, and that means I’m not longer prioritizing other people’s comfort over my own.
I’ve been enjoying all of the love that is surrounding me. From the love within these walls that is shared with my fiancé, to the love exchanged in fun facetime calls with friends, to the love that extends beyond miles and reaches family in far places. I have been so blessed to have such great support, and it’s something I am trying to be present to and truly appreciate in the moment.
I have been constantly making lemon ginger immunity shots for a few weeks now, as well as putting together lunches for work and fruit jars as healthy snacks. I’ve been slacking when it comes to movement and getting in a good routine with that, but I’m about to have a schedule that is super consistent and I want to plan workouts around then. Even if it’s just starting with 3x a week, I know this is something that my body will thank me for and my future self will as well.
I am feeling another social media detox coming up, and I know that I need it. I remember how great I felt actually taking time to do the things I wanted and feeling like I had more free time and I deserve to have that again. I waste so much time scrolling and I don’t want to keep abandoning my goals and dreams; I am the only one who is standing in my way.
I am excited for this upcoming break and for my time to myself. I am focusing on spending time and energy on things that truly make me feel fulfilled, and I feel so grateful to have so many good people in my life that I can have great conversations with. I am enjoying this chapter of my life, and I am so excited to see what blessings are to come this year!
It’s so hard to watch loved ones in pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do but listen and send your love. That’s a part of life that will likely never get easier, but having faith and trust in the universe that something better is unfolding gives slight relief.
Everyone you know is going through something, whether it’s a friend or a family member, or even the person you sit by at work… you never truly know their struggles or their pain. All I can say to that is to be kind and compassionate, and remember that there are time where you will struggle too, and it’s important you have the right people in your circle.
I feel grateful for my circle. My boyfriend has been my rock for over eleven years, and the love only continues to grow. I have friends who have been in my life for longer than that, which again is a hell of a blessing. I even have some newer friends who feel like I’ve known forever. I have family who loves me and supports me as well, even if I don’t see them often.
Something I’ve noticed that is super important is now I finally feel like I have myself. I can recognize the strength within me, and I feel more confident about myself and my resilience. I have made it through some tough times in my life, including deaths and other childhood traumas as everyone has, and I am still here.
I am here to share my story and remind others that we are all stronger than we think, and that we are truly here for a reason. I may not 100% know my purpose yet, but as I continue through my own healing, I know that I am meant for more. I am meant to radiate the light that’s inside of me, and I am continuing to heal so that my light can shine brighter.
Years ago, I got a tattoo that says “it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I know that although it can be difficult at times, it is necessary for me to be able to empathize with others, as well as feel all of my emotions. At this time, I am releasing the emotions that do not belong to me, and instead I will love and healing to those who need it. Remember to be kind, and remember you are stronger than you know.
I definitely skipped writing yesterday and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Yesterday I returned from a much needed, yet also exhausting weekend away with a couple of friends. I was energized and excited from the time I got there on Friday afternoon, all the way until waking up yesterday morning knowing I had over a five hour drive home, and then the fatigue kicked in. I was so happy to come home to my love and my fur babies, and just shower away the sweat and filth from the night before. The reason this weekend came about is my friend and I wanted to see Bryce Vine this year, and we decided to meet up in Minneapolis! Saturday night after that incredible show, we met back up with her other friend and went out until bar close. The bars closed at 2am, but then daylight savings happened and suddenly we’re driving back to the apartment at 3am.
I will say, as tired as I felt today, I have zero regrets from this trip and am so happy that I got to see a concert and hang with my girls. We also went to the Mall of America and it was my first time there! Of course we did some shopping and eating, but we also went to the aquarium and the amusement park! We got a free behind-the-scenes and were able to feed the fish at the aquarium, and we even got a free ride at the amusement park! Overall I felt like a giddy child the entire weekend and absolutely lived for it.
Now that I am home I am resetting and refocusing on my current priorities in life, and I want to focus on eating better and taking care of my body more consistently. My boyfriend and I got up this morning and went to the gym before work, and even though it was a short workout for me, I am proud that I went. I am the only person in my way of achieving what I want to achieve, and it is time to take a break and re-prioritize my time and schedule. I always say I want to know how to cook, so I am going to try a new recipe this week. It doesn’t mean I have to switch my whole life in one day and make a new recipe every night of the week, but just making small efforts will help get the ball rolling.
I am excited for this season in my life, as I continue to turn inward and focus on myself and my needs, I will continue to build confidence and more love for myself and others. I truly believe that when people are feeling their best, then they give their best, which is why I never think self-care or self-improvement is selfish. But to some people it is, and with that being said, it’s time for me to start enjoying my selfish era.
I am so glad to be spending today at home with my love. I am finally getting over this virus, but unfortunately he has the beginning symptoms of it now. I keep encouraging vitamins and hydration, and today’s important task of rest. Although I will say it definitely is a beautiful day outside, and it wouldn’t hurt to go out and get some fresh air. Vitamin D is a necessity anyways, and I always feel better after a nice walk in nature. Next weekend I am going on a mini vacation and I am super excited to hang with my good friend! We are going to a concert and going to do some shopping, and I am happy that I will be feeling 100% by then!
I keep finding myself feeling upset about the fact that I haven’t been feeing 100% really much this year. I feel like I am either in some sort of pain or I am battling with an illness or allergies, and it has had me feeling pretty down considering I keep wanting to get into a good gym routine and work on my health. To be fair, these ailments have been requiring me to rest and to focus on my health, so I guess that’s what they mean when they say “be careful what you wish for” LOL! I will say I am appreciating the lesson of needing to rest, and I as I said last post I have seen progress in myself as far as not being so hard on myself about falling behind on certain chores. The tasks will always be there, but those aren’t what I want my focus to be on. Yes, I still will be responsible and maintain a decent home, however I refuse to punish myself and make myself avoid pleasure until all chores are done, as that is not how I want to live.
I always tell my boyfriend that once we are married and have children, I don’t want to be so focused on the house being a mess or the laundry needing to be done, but instead on enjoying time with our kids. We only have so much time in this life, why would I want to rob myself of precious moments with my babies to be angry about house chores? I feel like I am learning important lessons now that I will be able to apply to my future self, and I am happy to be present to it. I know that thinking about my future may seem like I am not being present, but I truly feel the difference between when I used to fixate on my future life vs. having these brief, fleeting thoughts about it.
My focuses for now are on regulating my nervous system and focusing on inner peace. Having inner peace is something that I do have, but I want to become more emotionally mature and make it so that no one can ever take that peace away from me. I often get agitated by others and find myself easily annoyed, and that is something I am continuing to work through. For example, I have been sick, so I have been more irritable than usual, and the other day I felt myself becoming so bothered by what someone next to me was doing. Honestly, it was a dumb reason to be annoyed, and instead of fixating on it and allowing myself to let the anger build, I started talking to myself in my head.
I reminded myself that I am ill and that everything feels amplified in that moment, and that what other people do does not have an effect on my life. I sat and told myself that all I can do is what I am supposed to do in the way that I want to, and just as I wouldn’t want others to tell me how to do it, I have no business to comment on what someone else is doing. I do not know what is best for anyone, nor do I need to know; my focus is on myself and how I am handling situations in life. Even if I have shared stories and information with others to help them understand me and my situation, they still have never walked in my shoes or lived through my traumas the way I did, therefore they do not know what is best for me or my life.
Now let’s flip that that the other way around: just because someone has told me about their traumas and stories does not mean I know how they felt or truly understand the impact it had on them or in what ways. It is not my place to ever tell someone how to live their life. However, that does not mean I am not allowed to share my opinion from my own point of view, but it is important to me that I am mindful of other people’s feelings. I also feel that minding my own business tends to be an easier, less emotional approach, although I am trying to practice the art of listening to others’ traumas without taking them on. I have felt a huge difference in this over the past couple of years, and I am extremely grateful for that. A quote that someone I know likes to live by is “be connected to everything, but attached to nothing,” and I feel that completely.
I love human connection and seeing how similar we all truly are, but I cannot become attached to others based on having comparable walks of life. This is how trauma-bonds start forming and it can be a toxic situation to be in. I don’t want to attach myself to anything, as everything is temporary-whether we are talking about feelings or people, nothing is forever. This doesn’t mean I don’t love the people around me or that I don’t seek connection in conversation, it just means that I won’t allow an attachment to distract me from my path. I used to let other people’s problems weigh me down and become my focus, which in turn allowed me to abandon myself and become lost. I didn’t know what I was feeling was my own, or if I was letting others have an influence on me, and ultimately that was to my own demise.
I have come quite far on my self-love journey, and I can see why people say you cannot love someone else until you love yourself. I still disagree in some ways, because I know that I fell in love with my boyfriend at 16 years old and we have spent the last 11+ years growing together and continuing to build this love. However, I also am very blessed to have a partner who has been both patient and respectful throughout the entire relationship. I know that I got lucky, and if I had dated someone who had more malicious intentions or narcissistic tendencies, that I would have easily fallen into a toxic, likely anxious attachment style. I was fortunate enough to be able to have someone who has been supportive, and even encouraging of my healing, and I think that connection has assisted in my progress. However, I also know that I am the one is putting in the hard work, and I am the one who can get myself through anything in life. I am connecting to my inner peace and my healing, and detaching from the outside noise; I am dedicated to being my best self, for myself.
There is this quote I have read before goes something like “if you do not make time to rest, your body will do it for you,” and boy did my body do that. I haven’t been at work the past two days because I have been battling a nasty virus. I was so happy to wake up without a headache today, because yesterday I had probably the worst headache of my life. I spent most of yesterday maneuvering an ice pack around my head in different positions because the pain was literally everywhere, including my neck. When I wasn’t trying to numb away the pain, I was napping to escape it. I definitely got a lot of sleep yesterday, which my body desperately needed. Today I still have an annoying cough and quite a bit of phlegm, but I am feeling a lot better now that I no longer have a migraine. I am taking the Mucinex and Flonase as immediate care recommended to me, and I am continuing to rest and hydrate.
I am honestly proud of myself for not feeling guilty about being home and taking care of myself, because that is almost always how I am. I usually get so stressed out when I am sick and I start worrying about falling behind on work and chores, but this time I truly listened to my body and let myself rest. I feel like this allowed me to heal quicker, and I am planning to go back to work tomorrow. As I had written before, I had a pretty busy weekend full of lots of events and people, and in the future I likely won’t jam pack my weekends like that again. I am a sensitive person and I often need some time to recoup from being around people and in public, and I will keep that in mind moving forward.
In the meantime, I am going to take the rest of today to rest and focus on gratitude. I feel so blessed to have my boyfriend to take care of me and things around the house while I am sick. I am also quite thankful that tissues and Aquaphor exists LOL. I am grateful to have access to over-the-counter medicines to help me, and most of all the fact that we have clean water to drink. As much as I don’t feel 100% like myself, I still want to take time to recognize all of the wonderful gifts around me, and I never want to take the present moment for granted.
From Dark to Light 