Today marks six months of marriage with my husband. It’s crazy that we have been together for 13.5 years, and yet my love for him continues to grow. I feel so very blessed to have him in my life, and I am grateful that he will be by my side for my recovery after my surgery tomorrow. I’m just trusting in the universe that all will be well.
I’m realizing that today is the last day of March and that is just wild to me right now. I had my pre-op appointment for my procedure coming up on Thursday, and I definitely feel more informed, but I’m also a bit more anxious.
I’m not worried about going under anesthesia or the actual procedure, but I’m a little more concerned about the recovery process. It sounds like I will be pretty miserable for quite a few days.
I’m not only getting a tonsillectomy, I will also be have a nasal surgery done that will reduce my tissue and allow me to breathe better… once I’m recovered. During recover though, I will not be able to breathe through my nose at all, because when I wake up from my surgery, my nose will be completely packed and taped.
In an ideal world, I will not have a lot of bleeding and I will not have insane amounts of pain. I am going to follow all the instructions so I can have the best and easiest recovery possible. I am going to continue to remind myself that the pain is temporary, and in the long run it will be so worth it!
No more tonsil stones and recurring swelling. No more insane nose congestion when I have a cold or illness. I’ll be able to breathe through my nose fully and train myself to stop being a mouth-breather. One of my coworkers said after she had hers out at 21, she doesn’t have any post nasal drip issues anymore, and she rarely gets sick- so I am hopeful that I will have that same result!
In the end, I have to put faith in the doctor and the nurses, and I am doing that. I know this is a common procedure and I am actually going to the same doctor that my coworker did, so I know he does good work! I can trust in myself to follow the instructions and be able to manage the pain for a few days.
I also am putting faith in the universe, in my angels and guides. I pray they watch over me during the surgery and recovery, keeping me safe and protected. I pray they watch over my husband while he takes care of me- he hates to see me in pain. Thank you for wrapping us in your love and support, and I trust that all will be more than okay in the end. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Enjoying a peaceful morning reading my book and admiring the fog outside. I’m getting breakfast with my friend in a few hours, but it’s so nice starting the day slow and quiet.
I have my pre-op appointment for my tonsillectomy tomorrow, and then surgery is bright and early on Thursday morning! I’m doing my best to lean into faith over fear, and luckily this is such a routine procedure that I’m really not too worried about it.
The only thing that I keep thinking about is I worry that my actual voice will sound permanently different, because I am also having my nasal tissue removed/reduced so I can actually breathe properly through my nose. I feel like I have a pretty nasally voice, so I’m interested to see if that changed afterwards.
Regardless I’m sure all will go smoothly, for now I’m just working on keeping myself calm and my nervous system regulated.
I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.
I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.
So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.
Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.
I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.
After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.
I am feeling quite tired this morning, but I know it’s because I stayed up later than usual. Like I said in my last post, yesterday was my last day of dance class for a little bit while we go on spring break and I have my surgery. Typically I don’t get home until around 9pm after dance and then I really needed to shower; once I finished my shower, instead of going to bed, I made the mistake of scrolling on my phone – hence this morning’s exhaustion.
I will make it through it though! Even writing this is helping my brain to wake up. Ready for another productive day at work and I’m looking forward to resting once I get home! I hope everyone has a great Wednesday!
I felt like I was getting so much sleep this morning that I actually slept through the entire day and I was going to wake up to my Monday morning alarm for work. Needless to say, that did not happen and for that I am thankful. It did feel nice to get a lot of sleep-I’ve been feeling the need to rest and reset lately so I am embracing this slow weekend and season in my life.
I decided to make myself a new Tumblr page yesterday. When I was younger, Tumblr was my first blog. It is mainly photos and you can post your own and/or “re-blog” from others, but it always felt so therapeutic to me. I had been messing around with a few settings here on WordPress and just kept thinking about how much I missed having a photo-blog (aka Tumblr)-so I decided to sign up and create a new one! If you want to check it out you can at https://themagicshecreates.tumblr.com/
I have this thought that comes back every now and again about how us humans feel the need to be in the loop on every tragedy happening around the globe, yet we aren’t even present to our own health and financial goals. How are we going to save the world or solve any problems when we are struggling to survive ourselves?
People scream at other people on the internet calling them privileged for ignoring the horrific news, when there are tons of people who are informed but aren’t doing anything about it. For example, my mom is always complaining about politics and whatever but she doesn’t write letters to representatives or do anything productive with that information. Also, how informed is anyone when the news/media is profiting of your anxieties and fears?
The only reason to be on the internet is to spread true authentic love and light. I have such a love/hate relationship with Instagram, which is why I am happy I signed back up for tumblr, where people aren’t commenting and going back and forth-we are all just sharing art. I also like the app Lapse for this reason as well. I am going to end up taking time back off Instagram again, which always makes me feel better mentally.
Today is going to be a peaceful Sunday, and I am just soaking in all of the blessings around me. I am grateful to have a warm home and roof over my head. I am grateful to have an incredible life partner who loves and respects me. I am grateful to have friends who encourage me and are rooting for me. I am grateful that my husband and I have our jobs so we are able to pay our bills and have fun in this life we have built together. Finally, I am thankful for my angels and guides who keep me divinely protected and blessed- thank you, thank you, thank you!
Today was much needed. My husband and I got to sleep in, so we went out for breakfast at 1pm! Once we got home I kept my promise to myself and made us green juice for the week, as well as some ginger shots! I also did a little bit of vision board journaling.
This morning I was actually crying tears of joy, and it was all because I was truly just feeling into the love and joy in my life. I used to feel so riddled with anxiety to the point that I never could just be in the present moment, and now that I catch myself consciously feeling joy, I’ve been trying to really lean into that feeling and giving it space.
Life is full of struggles and hardships, but the love that we have in our lives is what makes it possible to survive. Lean into the love around you, and remember to recognize how truly blessed you are. Sending extra love to everyone this Sunday!
The sun is shining so bright on this beautiful morning. I’m going to take that as a sign that this month is going to be a great one!
I am about a month out from my tonsillectomy and nasal tissue surgery, and I am excited to be able to breathe and not have all these issues with tonsil stones and sore throats! This month I’m just going to focus on doing things that make me happy, putting energy in where it’s reciprocated, and prioritizing my inner peace.
May March bless you in ways you never thought possible!
1:11 on the clock as I write this.
New beginnings.
New pings of knowing.
Releasing tension and stress.
Releasing any pent up emotions.
Letting go of what is beyond my control.
Letting go of self doubt and fear.
Leaning into faith.
Leaning into my intuition.
Divinely guided.
Divinely protected.
Divinely aligned.
I am finally feeling like myself again. My appetite is back, I’m feeling more happy, and I’m also finally going to be getting my tonsils and some nasal tissue removed in a couple months! I know I’ll have to deal with the recovery of that surgery, but I am honestly just excited to finally have my tonsils gone and be able to fully breathe from my nose!
I got to reconnect with a good friend yesterday and she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids- I said yes! I will be standing by her side down on a beach in Florida come April of 2026! I’m excited for her to have her dream wedding and I can’t wait to celebrate her being a bride!
Today I get to reconnect with another good friend over some coffee, so I’ll be seeing her in a couple hours! I love seeing friends and just chatting about life; it’s great having good conversations with good people!
Oh, also I got VERY excited yesterday because I found mini Bratz at Five Below!! This girl I know through one of my friends had posted some mini Bratz on her snapchat story and I was immediately like “I NEED THEM!” So she told me where to go and I found three out of the four original Bratz Dolls! I’m just missing Jade, but I’m sure I will find her soon! It really is the little things (LOL) ✨
I’m excited to enjoy this lovely Sunday and I am looking forward to a good week ahead!
finding light in the dark 