intuition

my forever love

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for years we’ve heard the same questions over and over again: everyone was always wondering why we weren’t engaged or married after being together for so long. people will always have their views, and most of the time you’ll find that it often has to do with society. it’s funny how people complain about “society’s standards” and then simultaneously push them upon one another, when in reality, society isn’t even meant to be in your relationship- so why let it dictate your timeline?

as I’ve been healing and growing throughout my life, I’ve recognized the importance of blocking out noise. people will always have an opinion or something to say, but they are NOT in your partnership. I feel it is important to hear people out if those are people who truly love and support you, but when it comes down to it, your relationship is about you and your partner. it’s important to pay attention to who is giving you advice and who is projecting their own issues and opinions. you wouldn’t ask someone who is thrice divorced for marriage advice, just like you wouldn’t ask someone who has never purchased a home for homeowner advice- so why let that outside noise affect your relationship?

when Cameron and I started dating, we were 16 years old. we told each other we loved each other after eleven days of dating. he wrote me a letter after a couple months where he told me that he understood why people would meet and get married within six months. if we would have gotten married in a rush at that age, I can’t tell you where we would be, but I can tell you that society and others around us would have disapproved. when we were buying a home at age 21, we had people asking why were we rushing to do that, while simultaneously asking us when we would be getting married. to us, it never mattered what people told us.

we have always listened to what we wanted and needed, and I am so blessed that we have been able to grow along side each other for the past 13 years. marriage is a lifelong commitment, even though society may not see it that way any longer, but it is to us. I’m glad we spent time building our foundation and I am so excited to spend forever with my husband.

Solar Eclipse / Self Check-In

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This morning we will experience a solar eclipse. Although I only dabble in astrology and I don’t believe everything I see or read, I definitely believe that our energy is affected by the planets, sun and moon. Especially for me, being highly-sensitive/empathic definitely allows me to feel the shifts.

I’ve been having some interesting dreams this week: I had one where I met Taylor Swift, which was a super fun and relaxed dream, but I also had a dream that I needed to take in a 12-year old child to take care of and that I needed to convince my boyfriend to adopt him. I really don’t spend a lot of time analyzing my dreams, although I always say that I want to and then don’t, but I feel like maybe my dreams are trying to remind me to see the good in myself.

Throughout this year I’ve been battling with myself about the idea of me being a fraud. I kept feeling like because I have some negative thoughts or judgments about other people’s actions that made my niceness and empathy fake. However, I know that during the human experience we are going to experience dualities in our lives, and some like to break it down between the Ego and the Soul.

As I’ve been more aware and I’ve been open in my therapy sessions, I’ve recognized that I am not a fraud at all- I am simply a human being. If someone else does something that does not align with my values, it is normal to feel put off by that. Me trying to empathize with them and still being nice and supportive about other parts of them or their life doesn’t make me fake, because I truly do try to see other people’s perspectives and I care about others.

I think where I struggle is that sometimes I wonder if I should be bringing up to that person how I am seeing their actions and behaviors from my lens. I know I am not God and I do not know what is best for anyone at all, but I feel dishonest sometimes if I am not being fully transparent about how I feel about something. At the same time though, it isn’t my job to tell people about themselves or change anyone. This is where my battle lies, but it’s easy for me to just say “If this doesn’t impact my life directly, then I am not going to bring anything up.” Which isn’t really wrong, but something in me still feels inauthentic.

It is not my job to fully understand anyone or everyone, it is my job to understand myself. It is not my job to tell people about how I see them, it is my job to treat them with respect, while simultaneously setting my own boundaries with them. Distancing from people is nothing to feel guilty about, especially when you know that a conversation has no chance of going anywhere (i.e. narcissistic people, people with victim mentality).

All I can do is listen to my gut and spend time with those who fill my cup, rather than just use me to fill theirs. I am sensitive, which allows me to be nurturing. I am grateful, which allows me to be happy and to spread my joy. I am resilient, which allows me to give hope. I am emotional, which allows me to be empathetic to others. I deserve to be around people who make me feel light and recharged, not drained and confused.

I will continue to heal myself and listen to my intuition, and I am grateful for this next chapter. This solar eclipse represents transformation, illumination, and abundance and I am ready for it all.

Current Thoughts / Downloads

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Take what’s for you, leave what isn’t.

I don’t need what doesn’t need me.

What goes around always comes back around.

Intentions matter.

Finding comfort in the chaos will help you go far; change is the only thing promised in life.

Let it go, let it flow, and you will glow.

No need to worry about things that you literally have zero control over. Worrying only takes away from the peace of the moment, and you deserve peace.

Protected. Guided. Aligned.

Love is always the answer. We don’t have all of the answers, but if we have love, that’s all that matters.

What triggers you is what inspires you. Anger comes from passion- what are you passionate about? What brings that anger out of you? Feeling unheard? Unseen? Feeling as if someone is being selfish? Closed-mindedness? Dishonesty? You are passionate about expression, about selflessness, openness, and authenticity!

Grey days are great days for resting, recharging, releasing. Nothing is black and white, it’s all grey. (LOL I just realized I’m also wearing all grey)

Connected, not attached- nothing is permanent, therefore nothing is worth losing your peace over.

Dualities

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I am struggling, yet thriving. I am filled with joy, but also irritable. I am grateful, but also ready to release what is not serving me. I am proud, but also always looking forward to more growth. I am all of these things, all at the same time, because this is the human experience. At times it hurts like hell, and other times the happiness can feel like I’m floating on clouds; regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I am working on trusting my gut, instead of working against it, but I won’t lie, I still lose myself in guilt and people-pleasing. I have this habit of somehow making everything my fault and talking myself out of my own gut feelings as a way to not hurt others and also still avoid confrontation. However, I am recognizing that I need to release the confrontation I have within myself.

I feel it’s time to release and let go of these people-pleasing habits, and truly tune into myself and my intuition. I have always known what’s best for me, and I have always gotten myself through the challenges life throws my way. I am wise, I am open, I am empathetic, and I am humble. I am intelligent, I am loved, I am safe, and I am blessed. I deserve peace, and I am ready to give that to myself.

Thought Vomit (Random)

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Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.

I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?

I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.

But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.

If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.

That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.