healing

Goodbye 2023

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Goodbye to unhealthy habits that aren’t helping me to reach my full potential- I am stepping into my higher self.

Goodbye to negative self-talk and shame- I am being intentional with the words I speak.

Goodbye to letting my fears and limiting beliefs hold power over my future- I am taking matters into my own hands and leaning into faith.

Goodbye to gossip and dramatic environments- I am drinking water and minding my business.

Goodbye to all of the things that are no longer serving me- I am making room for the abundance and blessings that are heading my way.

Goodbye to the people who are not supportive of my dreams and who refuse to cheer me on- I am only surrounding myself with uplifting, supportive people.

Goodbye to a wonderful year; thank you for all of the blessings and wonderful memories.

Last Full Moon 2023

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Today is a full moon in Cancer, and the themes of this moon include nurturing yourself, releasing, isolating, reset/rebirth. I’m not sure about you but I am FEELING this energy already! I am so excited for this new year and all of the wonderful blessings heading my way. 2024 is the year I become a WIFE! I also start my new job right in the beginning of the year, and I am excited to be in a new environment. I can feel so many good things coming my way; I am so excited to get in a new self-care routine and plan this wedding! This is my season and I am here for it!

This full moon I am releasing my need to control situations that are beyond my control. I am releasing the need to “fix” or change how certain people behave. I am releasing the “shoulds” and shame I am putting on myself in regard to my workout routine and eating habits. I am releasing the need to control how others perceive me, my boundaries, or my opinions. I am releasing the need to want everything to be perfect and flawless.

As I continue into the new year, I am focusing on being absolutely impeccable with my word and setting boundaries unapologetically and with love and kindness. I am focusing on how I communicate and making sure I am speaking up when needed. I am focusing on showing myself love and acceptance, and continuing to learn about my own brain and habits. I am focused on how I perceive myself and prioritizing the important things in life. I am focused on being authentic and 100% real in everything that I do.

I am living a life I once dreamed about, and I am forever grateful to be where I am today. Thinking back 10 years ago I was battling with anxiety and depression and I had a lot of issues with self-worth. I couldn’t stand how my brain worked or why I was always worried or on edge- I always felt like I was too much and a complete burden to be around. I had so much pent up rage and issues I needed to work out, and I truly didn’t know if I’d ever feel truly happy. Now I cry tears of pure joy pretty regularly because I am finally feeling the beautiful glimmers that life has to offer. I smile more, I laugh louder… I am happy.

I am so grateful for the life I have and the people I have in it, and I never want to take that for granted. I also finally see my worth and I don’ want to take this for granted either. I, just like every other human, deserve to live my dream life and have my happily ever after- and I am determined to give myself that. Practicing gratitude, sitting in silence, writing in this blog, these are all ways I can continue to come back to myself and be present. I actively choose happiness. I actively choose to heal. I actively choose to be grateful and present. I decide how I get to live my life, and I plan to live my best one.

End of Year Reflections

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I know I have mentioned Mel Robbins on this blog before, as she is one of my favorite podcast hosts/authors/self-help influencers. Mel recently released a podcast episode titled: “How To Make 2024 The Best Year: 6 Questions To Ask Yourself.” I am finishing up listening to it now, and although Mel and her team are amazing and have even made a free downloadable workbook to work through, I still wanted to just answer the questions she asks here on my blog. When I started listened to the episode I was driving, so I wasn’t able to write down the questions or really think about my answers, so I plan to do that here.

Before I do, here is the link to the episode: https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-131

Here is the link to the free workbook to go along with the episode: https://www.melrobbins.com/bestyear

According to what Mel has been saying on this episode, the workbook is more extensive than just answering each question, as she helps people truly dive deep into each one and helps guide you along the way. Mel and her family answer these questions with her family every single year, and she recommends having your phone by you to be able to look through your camera roll and calendar to truly see how these past 12 months went. The questions are as follows: What were the highlights of your year? What were the hardest aspects of this past yet? What did you learn about yourself over the past 12 months? What are the things you want to stop doing and not bring into 2024? What do you want to continue doing? What do you want to start doing?

As I am writing these down I am getting excited to actually sit down and do a deep reflection on these past 12 months. Before I do the true deep dive with the workbook and extra prompts/guidance, let’s see how much I can get from just simply answering these. I have my phone with me, so let’s roll!

1. What were the highlights of your year?

Without even looking at my phone, our engagement comes to mind as the top highlight of 2023! My love asked me to marry him and it’s crazy to think that before the end of 2024, I will be able to call him my husband! We also celebrated 12 years together this year and finally got to eat at this nice super club that we had tried to go to before. This was also the year that I became a published author! I have two different poems of mine published in books, and this leads me into another highlight memory when my aunt and grandmother brought copies of the books to our annual girl’s retreat and asked me to sign them. It’s great to know I have family that supports me, along with my friends. I also was invited to be on a podcast that a mutual friend started earlier in the year, and I felt so happy doing the episode! Scrolling through my camera roll I see videos of me rollerblading at my friend’s birthday party back in February, which was the first time I had done that in several years. This even inspired me to have my own birthday party start at the roller rink later on in the year. My 28th birthday party was definitely a highlight from this year; it was so fun to be able to rollerblade with everyone and then end the night at our place just enjoying some drinks and food! Before my birthday I was blessed with the time to be able to travel to MN to meet up with one of my best friends for a Bryce Vine concert, and we even got to go to the mall of America! Which of course this reminds me that I also got to see Masego in concert this year which was a huge highlight! Standing up on the VIP floor with a private bar and good friends was truly an unforgettable experience. From celebrating birthdays with karaoke, to game nights where I actually won poker, to family trips and long overdue baby showers, this year has been full of celebrations and good company. I also recently accepted a new job offer and put in my notice at the place I have been at for the last two years, and I am looking forward to new beginnings!

2. What were the hardest aspects of this past yet?

I’d say one of the hardest aspects was navigating emotions and trying not to take on other people’s stress. I’ve had close friends go through terrible loss and it’s hard when I cannot take away their pain and I feel like I don’t know how to support them. Another hard aspect is feeling like I cannot stay consistent with health or wellness goals. I have been trying to be observant without judging myself, which I feel I have been, but I am still not working out or cooking as consistently as I’d want. I go through phases but it doesn’t stick so that gets discouraging. I also had immense back pain several times that prevented me from being able to bend over and I could barely walk. I had to miss work because of it, I was going to the chiropractor, then immediate care, and then ending with physical therapy. This year got another ultrasound as I thought I had a cyst or endometriosis, but I am happy to report all was normal! One of the worst parts of this year was when I witnessed a horrific accident involving the death of someone’s dog; that was something that shook me for a little bit. I was also honestly upset that Angus Cloud passed away this year, even though I obviously didn’t know him personally, I loved his character on Euphoria.

3. What did you learn about yourself over the past 12 months?

I’ve learned that I am much happier when I am being intentional and focusing on gratitude. I learned that I still struggle with how to let go of other people’s problems, but I am getting better with my communication. I still avoid conflict and times and avoid speaking up, but I am learning and growing. I learned that I am more confident than I used to think, and my empathy and observant behavior can be honed and used for good. I learned that it is always better to trust your gut and stay quiet about certain things with certain people, as not everyone has the best intentions or wishes for you. I learned that how people talk to you/treat you has a lot more to do with them than it does with you- it’s best not to take anything personal or make assumptions. I’ve learned that it’s best to stay out of gossip and drama if you want a more stress-free life. I’ve learned to trust my gut about certain feelings, because it turns out that I know more than I think. I also learned that I do have a relationship with the universe that thrives the more effort I put in, and it gives a sense of peace.

4. What are the things you want to stop doing and not bring into 2024?

Doubting myself. Talking myself out of trying things. Participating in low-vibe conversations: gossip, drama, etc. Putting off my dreams and losing site of my priorities. Caring about what other people think and keeping quiet about things I am passionate about. Dimming my light. Feeling guilty for choosing me. Downplaying my own traumas. I want to stop eating so much fast food and inflammatory foods.

5. What do you want to continue doing?

Looking at life through a lens of love and positivity. Looking for how to learn from situations and hard times, rather than letting them consume me. Focusing on being present, taking social media breaks (I loved the one I took this year), and seeking joy. I want to continue blogging and journaling. I want to continue strengthening my faith in the universe and letting go of what no longer serves me.

6. What do you want to start doing?

I want to start consistently working out and cooking. I want to start my podcast and continue working on my book, but in a consistent way. I want to start saying yes to new things that interest me. I want to go rollerblading more. I want to have a good routine that allows me to truly dive into my self care and leaves me feeling fresh and fulfilled. I want to practice self-discipline and I want to only do nice things for people who treat me with respect. I want to live intentionally every single day, and enjoy the life that I have. I want to let go of any shame or guilt that resides within me, and let it be free, so that I can be free as well. I want to live my best life.

Wow, after going through all of those questions I feel like I’ve learned so much. I still want to go through the workbook as well so I will plan to do that before the end of the year! In the meantime, I am ready to relax and enjoy this time off with my fiancé. I am excited to close the chapter on this current job and move onto bigger and better things. I am ready to get a routine in place and finally start focusing on my health and my happiness. 2023 allowed me to slow down, observe and reflect on who I really am; 2024 is the year that I reclaim my power and completely immerse myself in it – for the good of all. Thank you<3

Winter Solstice

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Today I honor the darkness and shadows within me.

To the exiled parts of me that still remain in hidden corners, feeling guilty and shameful and too scared to show themselves, please know you are loved, and you are worthy of it. May any shame and guilty feelings wash off of you, and may you find yourself feeling safe and secure.

To the anxious me that over plans, overthinks, and worries about every possible outcome, thank you for trying to protect me. I know you are attempting to predict all scenarios in order to prepare and be ready, but I’ve got this now. I know that worrying is only taking away from the present moment, and in order to live fully I need to be aware and actively participating in my life. There is no need to stress, as I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and everything happens for a reason.

To the part of me that has remained shamefully angry throughout the years, it is time to embrace that emotion. Anger is here to show me what is important, and shoving it away has only allowed me to shy away from expressing my own opinions and feelings, which only hurts me in the end. Expressing anger is not bad, it’s actually necessary to do so in a healthy way. I am my own person with my own opinions, and I will no longer choose silence to keep other people comfortable.

To all of the parts of me that have stayed quiet and who are trying their best to protect me, I appreciate your efforts. Thank you for being here with me throughout the years and working to keep me safe and on the right path. I am grateful for the lessons you’ve taught me, and although you will stay here with me forever, I am now allowing you all to relax while I take the reins.

I am a strong, capable, empathetic woman who can navigate through life, and I am choosing to do so with the mindset of love, acceptance and gratitude. Welcome, winter solstice.

New Week Affirmations

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This week will be full of good news, happy feelings and consistency.

I am living intentionally; everything I do is for my highest self.

I am deserving of good health, good habits, and confidence.

I refuse to prioritize other people’s peace over my own. I am responsible for my own inner peace.

This week will bring creative ideas, confidence, and inspiration.

Life is beautiful and I am a magnet for abundance.

Love and light are present everywhere around me.

I choose to see difficult situations through the lens of love.

My empathy and sensitivities are my strengths, may they amplify my inner strength and confidence.

2023 Highlights, Lessons, and Blessings

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As we approach the end of 2023, I feel the need to reflect and appreciate all that this year has taught me. I feel so fresh and happy going into the new year with the new beginnings ahead, and I owe that to my own efforts that I have put in throughout this year. I still struggle sometimes to find time or care enough to actually celebrate myself, but I know how important it is to recognize our own strengths and triumphs as they encourage us to keep going and keep growing!

This year was full of love and laughter and so many blessings, and I feel like I was more present this year than ever before. I remember seeing Masego in concert earlier this year and having the best time in the upstairs VIP w/ my good friend and her sister. He put on such a great show and the venue was amazing! I also drove out to Minneapolis to meet up with one of my best friends from high school so we could see Bryce Vine! He also put on a great show with his dope pink hair as he floated across the crowd on a blow up flamingo LOL! I also got to experience the Mall of America for the first time!

This year I actually went to the roller rink twice- once for my friend’s birthday party and then I ended up using that idea as a part of my own 90s themed birthday party months later! My birthday party was honestly one of my favorite days, because I had so many of my closest friends all dressed up in their best 90s gear and we got to rollerblade and then got to chill back at our house listening to my 90s/early 2000s playlist that I spent way too much time curating LOL. The 90s theme was also inspired by a fun 90s night out that I got to attend for another friend of mine’s birthday about a month prior to mine!

This year I was able to reconnect with my childhood best friend and we have spent more time together than we have the last couple years. It’s felt so good to dive back into that authentic friendship and be able to laugh like we did as kids, but also be able to have fun conversations about astrology and the universe and not feel judged! We believe in the magic of the world and encourage each other to recognize it and seek it out! We also have improved our communication which has overall helped our friendship to thrive!

This summer my high school best friend and I went back to the sunflower field that we went to a couple years back and we had wine, walked through the fields and even got to cut our own sunflowers to bring home! Although my dress was making all of my sweat on my back and under-butt completely noticeable, I reminded myself that I didn’t know any of the other people around me, and human bodies sweat in the hot sun and didn’t let it ruin my time! It took me a minute to get out of the anxiety/embarrassment phase, but once I realized how laughable it was, I was able to get present again and enjoy myself.

I got to meet my new baby cousin this year and she is so sweet and adorable, I am excited to see her again for our January Christmas celebration! My fiancé also got to meet her at her “fairy first birthday party” which was so cute! I also enjoyed my annual girls weekend with my mom, grandma and aunts as we explored a small town in WI and stayed in a VRBO that has an amazing deck and view! One of the highlights from that trip is when my aunt and grandma asked me to autograph the poetry book that I was in- it’s still crazy to think I am a published author! I am blessed to have a family that is supportive and excited for me.

Of course, the most exciting part of 2023 for me was definitely when my fiancé asked me to marry him at our favorite breakfast place. The universe told me it was going to happen, and it may not make sense, but even though I felt it deep inside, I was still entirely surprised when that ring came out of my mimosa glass. Part of me feels like it knew that the proposal was coming, but I also was finally at such a sense of peace around waiting for that moment where I didn’t even think about it.

I do want to say, I used to get in my head and obsess over when it was going to happen. This year I recognized that there was no point in wondering and waiting when I knew it was going to happen eventually, so I did my best to release that anxiety around it and just lean into faith and patience. One day one of my friends was telling me how she was thinking and hoping her boyfriend was going to propose soon, and I remember having a moment later where my ego was screaming inside of me: “if she gets engaged before me I’m gonna be so pissed off because I have been waiting way longer than her!”

But after that thought, it’s almost like my soul stepped in to counter and I just had this thought: “The goal is not the engagement, the goal is the lasting relationship.” I paused. I didn’t know where this thought came from, but it completely shifted my mindset- the goal really was the lasting marriage/relationship, and considering we had already grown together and loved each other through 12 years, we technically already were living the goal! This is where I was able to completely let go of my anxiety around getting engaged, and they always say once your surrender is when you receive, and boy do I believe that.

There are so many other wonderful things that happened this year, and I am excited to take these memories and these life lessons into 2024 with me. I am starting a new job this coming year, I am planning a wedding, and my goal is to stay focused on the joy around me. I want to be completely present for my wedding and throughout the planning process, and I will do so by practicing gratitude along the way, and just focusing on all of the love I have in my life. I feel so lucky every day, and I am excited to see what 2024 brings! For now, I am going to finish off these last couple weeks of 2023 strong and with a positive attitude!

Busy and Blessed

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This weekend has been full of Christmas parties and good company, which means my social battery is now drained. Today my fiancé and I are having his brother take our engagement photos and then we are meeting up with our moms to discuss wedding/reception planning.

We are planning a small beach destination wedding with less than 40 of our close family and friends, and we are also doing this on our 13 dating anniversary which makes it land on a Wednesday! I have always dreamed of having an intimate ceremony near the ocean, and I am so excited to make this dream come true!

We have a bunch of ideas planned, but nothing is set in stone just yet and I am working on surrendering all that is beyond my control to the universe. I know that things don’t go as planned, and I know that is usually because something better is coming, so I am going to work hard to stay in that mindset throughout our planning process.

I’ve been in a few weddings and been to even more and more often than not the bride is always very stressed before the wedding. I am determined to focus on the joy and gratitude along this journey and eliminate any stress where I can, and I am so excited to see how everything unfolds. I want to be so present throughout this process, because this is the only wedding I plan to have and I do not want to let myself get carried away with unnecessary stress and anxiety.

This is going to be the ultimate people-pleasing test for me, because I know what I want and I know some family may have some different opinions. I will not let anyone guilt me out of my dream of getting married on our anniversary, even though it may be super inconvenient for most people. I will be strong with my boundaries and as long as my fiancé and I are communicating well and on the same page, that is what matters.

This wedding is for us to celebrate our love and set the foundation for our future life and family, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I am so grateful and excited to marry my best friend, so I am going to keep this same energy throughout the process. Here’s to a great week ahead!

Morning Thoughts

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I am so tired. I just woke up from a deep sleep and I need to get up and start getting ready for another day of celebration and seeing a bunch of people. Yesterday my fiancé and I went to a family birthday party and it was really nice to see everyone, and today we will go to his parents’ house for our monthly family dinner. Before that, I have a baby shower to go to for a family friend, and even though I am exhausted at this moment, I am very excited to celebrate her today! She has been through a lot to finally have this baby, and she deserves to be celebrated!

I knew getting on a screen and starting to read or write would help me wake up, and I wanted to avoid getting on social media. I went back on as of December 1st and finally posted about our engagement, and I’ve been on it pretty consistently again. Not really Facebook, but I am back on Instagram. I have honestly noticed that I feel more irritable, but it could also be PMS- I’m just trying to observe my own habits and emotions so I can see what is best for me.

I still have been very happy and grateful though, just thinking about wedding planning and all of the fun things that are coming our way. It may be a lot to plan, but I want to keep it fun and without stress or drama. I want to be fully present for all of it and keep focused on joy, being patient and calm along the way. This is a time for love and happiness, so I intend to keep that vibe!

Alright, I need to get my ass out of bed and start this day. Wishing everyone a wonderful Sunday!

Chill Weekend

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Yesterday my friend and I went to a local event where they turn on all of the christmas lights in the downtown area! We got hot chocolate, I purchased a new vinyl record (Khalid: American Teen) and I showed her a couple of the shops around downtown. Although it was a little chilly, we had a great time! I always love when everyone does the countdown and then suddenly the town is bright with gorgeous, white lights!

I originally planned to drive us downtown to park, but after what felt like 30 minutes of driving around and avoiding the hundreds of people walking around I decided to call my boyfriend and asked if he could just drop us off LOL. I feel so lucky to be so close to these events sometimes, because it’s much more convenient to be dropped off than to find parking and eventually have to leave!

This weekend should be nice and chill, unlike the busy weekends ahead in December, so I’m going to soak it up and enjoy it! I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, and I hope you get the rest you need.

Open, Hopeful and Grateful. ♡

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This Thanksgiving is going to be another lowkey holiday, mainly because I just got over a cold and now my boyfriend is working through his. We don’t want to spread this to any family members so we will be staying in, enjoying each other’s company, and relaxing. My idea of relaxing is bouncing between different tasks that bring me joy, such as reading, watching Netflix/YouTube, journaling, and of course I always enjoy some cuddles with my love. I am excited for today, and honestly I am excited for this next chapter in my journey.

As I had stated before, I decided to take a social media detox this month, and I am very likely extending this into December. The reason I want to extend it is that I feel like I just now started realizing how much time I spend distracting myself from the life I want to be living. I had an appointment yesterday and I learned a harsh truth: I gained 10lbs in the last three months! Like what the fuck?! How did I do that? Of course this news upset me immediately, and I felt myself entering one of my shame cycles-but this time was different. I definitely felt overwhelmed by this information and I could tell because I started basically vomiting out this information to every person I spoke to (which I am now already laughing about so feel free to join in LOL). I found myself thinking about it alone in my car and I decided to try to switch my perspective and mindset towards this information, and I am so glad I did, because I have much more confidence in myself this time around when it comes to health journey!

I made the decision to look at this new information as a new test from the universe. I had been in this position before: years ago I had a weight-loss / ketogenic journey that resulted in me losing weight relatively quickly, but it was all fueled by shame and self-hatred. I had family, friends, and coworkers complimenting my progress as I continued to drop all the weight I had put on, but they had no idea what was truly going on. I was extremely strict with myself on this diet; I was counting my carbs daily to make sure I stayed under the 20 net carbs that was recommended to stay in ketosis, which meant I was going to lose weight/fat faster. I never let myself go past that 20 carbs, and if I did I felt like a failure and was very upset with myself. I felt like I was ruining all of my progress and took out all of this frustration on myself, sending myself into a self-loathing spiral. When I look back at this now, I don’t know how I thought that this was a healthy way of living. I mean, I couldn’t even eat an apple on this diet because that apple alone would take up my entire carb intake for the day! After a day of eating only proteins and fats, I would look in my app and realize that I only took in 600-700 calories for the entire day, but I just kept going because the weight was falling off and that was the goal I had. Once I reached my goal weight, I completely let go of the diet and it was back to old habits, and now here we are today.

That whole keto journey was a few years back, and since then I have not gone on any diets, however I do go through phases of intermittent fasting as I definitely feel an increase in energy, and I decrease in bloating- but again, I have not been consistent with that. My therapist and I have discussed my need for control and how diets/counting carbs is not a healthy thing for me to do, so I will not be doing that this time around. Instead of shaming myself into losing weight and being harsh and hateful toward myself along the way, I am looking at this as a new start and new opportunity to show myself how much I do love and care for myself. As the quote goes, my past doesn’t need me, but my future does. I know that I want children in the future, and as my friends and family like to tell me, I am going to be an “older mom,” (which I really don’t think 30-33 is “old” but whatever LOL), so if I want to be able to be active and keep up with them, I need to prioritize my health. I always say I want to be the mom who cooks healthy meals and has healthy snacks for my future family, so what better time to start practicing?

This journey already feels different because I am focus on the love I have for myself and my body. I am grateful that I can walk, that my heart beats and my lungs breathe all without me having to think about it. My body digests and knows which nutrients to hold on to, while also regenerating and replenishing cells all automatically while I just live my life. I can help my body by providing it with more fuel from proteins and vegetables, and also by decreasing the amount of sugar intake. As I can choose healthier foods, I know they will make me feel better physically and mentally. I also learned that a sedentary lifestyle leads to a lack of joy and also shorter life and more risk for injury, so as I prioritize walks on the treadmill and focus on my physical therapy stretches, I will increase my longevity and my overall happiness! As I continue to show up for my health, I will only increase the trust I have in myself.

In general, I would say I hold the belief that I don’t trust myself. I mean this in the sense that I seem to give up on myself and my goals too quickly, which always has me wondering why I don’t love myself? But when I actually sit and look back at my past, I have plenty of reasons to trust myself! I think throughout my life I spent so much time in shame and guilt that it became my default emotion, but if I continue to acknowledge and celebrate my growth and progress, that self-love mindset will become my default. When I met and fell in love with my boyfriend at the young age of sixteen, I knew that I wanted this person to be my life partner. I felt it within my bones and my soul that this relationship was worth prioritizing and this person was who I was meant to be with, so I trusted my gut. Here we are, 12 years later still growing together and loving each other every step of the way. We set goals to move into an apartment, and once we did that we made a goal to buy a home within the next two years, and we did it. We had people asking us “Why rush?” and “How old are you again?” but we trusted ourselves and have been in our beautiful townhome for over six years now. I told myself I’d finish my Associate’s Degree, and I did while we were in our apartment and I was working full-time. I told myself I’d start a blog, and I have been consistently posting in one for several years. I told myself I would be a published author, and this year I had two different poems of mine published! I literally always do what I set my mind to, and this mental/physical health journey is no different.

I have made noticeable progress in my mental health and self-love journey, and the most important thing I have learned along the way is that giving yourself grace and patience along the way is a must. When you make a mistake at work, how would you feel if your boss rubbed it in your face and told you how stupid you were for messing up? You’d likely feel shameful and embarrassed and likely wouldn’t even feel motivated or worthy of trying again. Now imagine if your boss took you aside and showed empathy, explaining that they have also made this mistake and it is not that big of a deal. You’d likely feel seen and encouraged, you may even feel more motivated to do better and find solutions. In life, you are your own boss! The way you treat yourself and speak to yourself directly impacts your performance. So, as my own boss, I have decided to promote myself to a level of life where I love and care about myself, and I live a life that reflects that. I am very excited for this next chapter, and although I may stumble along the way as normal humans do, I know that I will focus on the progress and continue to work towards my goals. I am forever grateful for this life I live. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. ♡