Dualities

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I am struggling, yet thriving. I am filled with joy, but also irritable. I am grateful, but also ready to release what is not serving me. I am proud, but also always looking forward to more growth. I am all of these things, all at the same time, because this is the human experience. At times it hurts like hell, and other times the happiness can feel like I’m floating on clouds; regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I am working on trusting my gut, instead of working against it, but I won’t lie, I still lose myself in guilt and people-pleasing. I have this habit of somehow making everything my fault and talking myself out of my own gut feelings as a way to not hurt others and also still avoid confrontation. However, I am recognizing that I need to release the confrontation I have within myself.

I feel it’s time to release and let go of these people-pleasing habits, and truly tune into myself and my intuition. I have always known what’s best for me, and I have always gotten myself through the challenges life throws my way. I am wise, I am open, I am empathetic, and I am humble. I am intelligent, I am loved, I am safe, and I am blessed. I deserve peace, and I am ready to give that to myself.

New Tattoos and Inner Peace

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I have a lot on my mind, but at the same I feel very relaxed. I am simply letting things flow and letting things go, rather than attaching myself to every thought or idea. I am finding myself in more states of “boredom,” which I have been appreciating as times of peace. As someone who used to never allow myself to rest, I am feel that I am finally meeting my needs when it comes to rest and relaxation. If I find myself getting irritable or getting down on myself about not “doing more,” I remember that rest is a necessity, and it is an act of self-love to relax.

There is a slippery slope though when it comes to having mental health/depression problems, because this can lead to feeling unmotivated and eventually feeling stuck. I am blessed that I have self-awareness and I am able to make sure I am still living a productive life and finding time for joy. Even if sometimes the joy is sitting an enjoying some reality dating series, it is still time I am taking for myself. Today I went out for a walk, although I did slightly regret that decision considering it was 90 degrees outside. I also am taking this time to write in my blog, and I have been spending quality time with my boyfriend. I am finally starting to prioritize myself and I am focusing on giving my time to people that truly bring me joy.

I got to spend some time with my mom and a family friend yesterday. It was nice to just chat and enjoy some yummy appetizers together. We also all went around the shops downtown and shopped around for a while, all leaving with items that we loved! There was a new shop that opened up and it has a bunch of old school candy, candy from different cultures, and a bunch of weird, unique bottles of soda! We had a fun time looking around in there, and I even found the cutest evil eye ring for $4!

Speaking of which, I also got an evil eye tattoo on Monday that I am OBSESSED with! I also got the number 1144, which I see as my angel number. I see this number at times and I get this ping of relief and happiness, and it just reminds me to let go and trust in the universe. This is also the only tattoo I have that actually faces me, as this is specific to me and my spiritual journey. The evil eye is used is used to ward off variations of evil intentions and also serves as a reminder to “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” I truly believe that our works are powerful, so I am being more mindful of how I use my words. It is also a reminder to stay true to my word, and always say what I mean. I no longer wish to sugarcoat and hide from my own feelings, I wish to say what I mean with respect and good intentions without difficulty and without worrying about how the other person will react. I am only responsible for my own emotions and responses, not anyone else’s.

As I learn to let go and release what is not mine to hold, I am realizing how important it is to be authentically me. I will only find people who learn to love the real me, by being the real me! I will only attract successful and loving friendships by focusing on being both successful and loving. If we actually sit with ourselves and write out what we want, we can learn how to be that for ourselves and then we can also see those same traits and characteristics in others. We can learn to appreciate ourselves and make our minds happy places, and we can also find people to help make the outside world a happy place. Humans thrive on connection, in fact, researchers have found that people with active social lives live longer!* I absolutely love connecting with other people, and as I continue to practice the art of “letting go,” I know that I will continue to find success and accomplish great things. We all have that fire within us, it’s just up to us to ignite it.

Here’s to lighting that match! Now fuel your fire, and burn bright. ♡

cute $4 evil eye ring
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*https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/active-social-life-longevity/

I’m a Published Author

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This morning I woke up to an email from the founder of the writing community “The Unsealed,” and I was notified that I am officially a published author. She created a book compiled of poems and essays from the members of the community, and one of my poem’s was selected! I want to sit with this for a bit, as I feel like I often don’t allow myself to fully feel the excitement that I deserve. I think back to the billboard I was on, and although I definitely felt proud and accomplished, I still found myself downplaying it. I was saying “well I just got lucky,” or “I didn’t really do much,” when in reality…who the hell do I know that has been on a billboard? Who else do I know that is a published author at my age? And to be honest, even if I knew a bunch of people who were on billboards and having their writings published, I still deserve to be proud my own work and effort.

I have always enjoyed writing, hence why I have had this blog for over five years now. As a child, writing was my therapy; it was a way for me to express my emotions without having any repercussions or judgments. It was a heathy way for me to get out any anger or sadness I was feeling, and it allowed me to be there with my emotions, rather than trying to dissociate or numb them out. Writing in a journal, or this personal blog, really allows myself to feel more centered and in touch with myself and my thoughts. I am happy that I can see my progress throughout the years, seeing how my perspectives and mental health has changed as I continue through my healing journey.

I also enjoy writing creatively, and I often find I impress myself with my work. I struggle with expressing that though for a couple reasons. One reason I believe stems from the fear of coming off arrogant or like I have a “big head,” but also I know that deep down I care for others and I know that no one human is “better” than another, so I cannot imagine I would get that way. Another reason is that I know I find “normal” things to be somewhat profound at times, so I may think that I did something amazing, but to the general society they may feel it is just “okay.” So, I guess I do still care a bit about what others think, but I am still trying to break through that. Sharing my poems with the writing community has only resulted in support and love, and I am grateful to have found a place where I can share and feel heard.

I know that in therapy some psychologists believe that humans seek external validation to fill the void of a lack of acceptance during childhood. I know that my parents loved me and supported me in the general sense, but there are other times where I felt very misunderstood and like something was “wrong” with me. However, I think that is normal for most adolescents, especially when going through puberty and learning how to navigate emotions amongst the new flooding of hormones. Now as an adult, it is up to me to support myself and give myself the validation that I may be seeking. I am blessed to have a supportive partner, as well as some great friends, but what it truly comes down to is how I feel about myself and how I celebrate my wins.

I am proud of the woman I am today. I am a positive force of light who enjoys genuine connection with others. I am an empathetic woman who feels everything so deeply, which allows me to love hard and be supportive. I do what makes me happy, whether that is writing or singing or simply going on a walk in nature, I make sure to prioritize my joy. I have worked through my anxieties and have learned so much about myself, which has allowed me to let love in and pour into myself in the way I deserve. I also have a healthy, happy relationship with my life partner, and I am forever grateful for the love we have together. Having your best friend cheering you on and supporting your goals and dreams is something that I wish for everyone, as that love is unmatched. I am happy with my life and myself, even during the times that are hard and it feels like it is all crashing down, I know that I am supported and loved. I am grateful for this life and all of the love around and within me.

If you are interested in purchasing the book, you can do so following this link: https://amzn.to/3PfQ5q7

I appreciate all of you who support my writing and this blog, it means more than you know. ♡

Empathy

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I have a tattoo that says: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” This was a quote I read several years ago that resonated deep within me, and I feel that I am being reminded of it’s curse lately. I have been feeling all of the heavy energy within and around me; I wrote last week about the tragedy I had witnessed, and honestly since that day all I have been hearing about seems to be tragedy. I have a couple of friends going through painful experiences, all of which are out of their control. It hurts to see (and basically feel) their pain and know that there isn’t anything that can take it away. I’ve been feeling very fatigued and drained, and I am trying to remind myself to release and let go what does not belong to me.

Since I have been on this self-awareness journey, I am trying to look at this tough times and figure out what all of this is teaching me. I have spent a lot of my life worrying about things that are beyond my control, and I’ve also spent a lot of time focusing on other people’s emotional needs over my own. The combination of these resulted in my never being present with myself in any given moment. How could I sit in stillness with myself and my body when everything around me was spiraling out of control? How could I enjoy my life when someone else is suffering? How can I focus on myself when others need help? It all may sound nice that I care about others, but at what capacity do I really care for others if I don’t even know how to care for myself? If I cannot fill my own cup, how do I expect to pour into others in the way that they need? If I do not take care of myself, what message is that sending to my inner child? This is the reason I always preach that self-care is necessary, and it is NOT selfish in any way. Now it’s time I get back to focusing on myself and my self-care practices.

As much as it can hurt, I want to be able to feel everything deeply, as I know that will allow others to feel heard and understood. Not only that, but I remember what it was like to be numbed out from anxiety medications, and I missed all of my feelings. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to have such strong emotions or care about everything so deeply, but once that was taken away from me, I no longer felt like myself. My empathy fuels my creativity, which also fuels my happiness. My empathy allows me to feel joy for and celebrate others in the most genuine way. My empathy allows me to learn about myself in a deeper capacity, as I can identify my triggers and see them in new ways; these are all ways that empathy becomes a blessing. Even though it feels heavy at times, I wouldn’t trade this away for anything.

As I send love and positive, healing thoughts to my loved ones who are in need of it, I also release any stress or tension that I’ve held onto. As they receive the love and positive, healing energy, may they release any stress or tension that they have been holding onto. May we all recognize what is within our control, and what isn’t; and may we surrender what does not belong to us to the healing powers of the universe. May we accept out emotions as they are and not judge them, but appreciate them for allowing us the full experience of the human life. May the heaviness be lifted, and may we all feel lighter inside and out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤

Health is Wealth

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I had a great weekend with my mom as we visited the rest of the family in Iowa this weekend. It was nice to meet my baby cousin, see my cousins’ homes and have good conversations with everyone. I’ve been pretty exhausted just trying to get back in the swing of things, but overall I am feeling very content.

I am back to the chiropractor as of yesterday, I have a doctors appointment today, and I am ready to focus on my health. I learned a lot about our family health history and if there’s anything that I know, health is wealth. I want to try to remember that while I’m feeling good, not just when my back pain is acting up or when I have allergies, because my body deserves better, so that is something I want to focus on now.

I need to get my body moving and give it the fuel it needs to function properly, and I know this will only help me in both the short and long term. I know I deserve to feel good, and I want to feel good into my 40s, 50s, etc. and that starts with today’s habits. I’m going to work on small steps so that I do not overwhelm myself, and I know that small, repetitive steps are what make the difference.

I hope everyone has a great week!

A new day

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After an extremely rough day yesterday, I am feeling okay today. I woke up a few times last night thinking about the tragedy I witnessed yesterday, but I was able to re-ground myself and keep reminding myself of where I was and that I was safe.

I haven’t cried again since my shower yesterday, and honestly thinking back I am just so grateful for my boyfriend. He always is just there to hold me and witness me and I am so lucky to have him. He’s always been my rock and even though it’s been almost 12 years, it feels like we just keep getting closer and the love gets stronger.

I told myself I wouldn’t speak about it today, but I did open up a bit to my manager because she’s seen so much tragedy in her life and she told me she could handle it. It felt better to talk and especially since I didn’t cry. I definitely felt the goosebumps and my body almost going back in freeze response, but I was able to talk and breathe through.

This is not something I want to keep thinking about, and I know it’ll take a bit to get it filed away. Just trying to remain grateful.

This is a therapy post. TW.

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TW: tragically depressing, graphic, animal death

I just witnessed the worst thing. I will warn you this literally happened 20 min ago and I just finished crying and hyperventilating and feel the need to get it out. This includes tragedy with a dog, and it doesn’t end well and I anticipate crying more so just don’t read if you can’t handle it right now.

I haven’t been on one of my walks in a while due to some back pain and just overall weirdness. I’ve been feeling off and not in a great way, but today I was feeling like I needed to finally do something for myself and get back outside. I specifically decided not to have headphones in, because my intention was to be able to listen to the sounds of nature and really ground myself in the experience.

I went about my whole walk feeling really good! Smiling and saying “hello” to strangers who walked by. Seeing parents supporting their children at football and baseball practices. I took the longer part of the nature walk to really immerse myself in the sounds of the trees and birds (and the annoying bugs buzzing by my ear).

Along my walk I was remembering that it’s a new moon, and the theme of this season is to really let go of what is no longer serving us and step into our higher selves without fear or hesitancy, and I was thinking about what I want to let go of. One of the main things for me is to let go of any anger or resentment, especially over such small, irrelevant shit. I’m done ruminating over what I didn’t say or how I said things, and all I can do is move forward and keep that in mind for my future.

There are people around me going through hardships and loss, and there are tragedies in life that are much bigger than being angry over a dumb comment or assumption. I was remembering that along my walk as well, and as I came towards the end back up to the sidewalk that was leading me home, I noticed a man also seeming to go the same way. I walked slower so he could go ahead as I am always anxious when people are behind me, and I let him get pretty far ahead before I made my turn onto the path to follow him.

As I turned, I noticed movement across the street and quickly recognized that it was a Rottweiler that was off of his leash. The dog was moving fast and seemed like he was headed in the direction of the man in front of me, which of course immediately is sending off alarm bells inside of me. I stopped in my tracks and all of a sudden a black truck comes down the road at the same time that the dog is heading onto the street… and I heard the loud bang. The dog fell over limp instantly.

Mind you, all of this happened in the matter of maybe 3-5 seconds, but it literally plays back in my head as if it was in such slow motion. I stood there. I was so shocked. The guy in the truck stopped and got out of the car, a child ran to the dog and just looked shocked as well. With no tears, he just grabs his phone and starts calling I’m assuming his parents. The man who was walking in front of me was also stopped in his path, all of us stood in shock. The owner of the dog (child’s dad) starts whistling from the distance to call to the dog… and the son just said “it’s too late, Dad.”

The man in the truck put his hands on his face and then on his head and just kept saying how he was so sorry and how he tried to turn, but it was too late. He was right. It all happened so fast. A few seconds burned into all of our memories forever. A bunch of humans all in the same place, all with similar yet very different emotions. That family lost their furry family member in the matter of seconds. I am praying and thinking about them, as I cannot imagine how they are aching. The dog made no cries, no noise at all, meaning he died instantly; that honestly doesn’t really make it easier right now, but at least he didn’t suffer.

I know this won’t leave my head for a while, but at the same time I know I cannot let this ruminate in my head and consume me… that’s why I came right to my blog. I had to get this out. The fear I had seeing that dog running, to the shock, to the sadness all within seconds, I honestly cannot believe I didn’t throw up. I felt like I was going to, and honestly I still kind of do, but I don’t want to and I am just trying to cry it out and write it out.

I cannot believe I saw that. I cannot believe how quickly all of that happened. I don’t even want to talk about it or think about it ever again, but I know that will take time. This is why I have a blog; this is why I journal. Writing is a form of therapy for me, and I am very grateful for this outlet. Please hug your family and your fur babies tight, because life can change in seconds.

Non-judgement

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As humans it’s so easy for us to make snap judgments about others or about situations going on, but in reality, we never know the full extent of what someone is going through. I do not know what is best for anyone else, as I have not lived their life, felt their traumas, or experienced their childhood.

I can truly only know what’s best for myself, and even that doesn’t come through judgment, it comes from listening to myself and becoming self aware. When we judge ourselves harshly, we tend to project that same judgement outwards into the world, and that is something I’ve been working on.

I recognize that we were all just human beings doing our best with what we know, and we deserve grace. Of course, it’s important to acknowledge our own toxic habits and traits if we wish to not hurt others or ourselves, but amongst the healing and learning we are allowed to fuck up. perfection is not real or attainable; the authentic beauty is in the failures and imperfections.

So stop being so hard on yourself. Let go of that shame that you hold onto so dearly that tells you you’re not enough. Stop worrying about how others live their lives, and start living your life with intention.

Do what makes you happy, even if others have something to say out about it. and when you feel judged or like someone isn’t being authentic with you, just remember that what we reject in ourselves, we project onto others. Someone else’s judgment about you has a lot more to do with themselves…so just live life for you!

It’s 5am on Sunday…

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…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!

I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.

It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.

On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.

I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.

Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.

Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.

-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-

I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.

The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”

This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.

In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).

I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.

I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.

We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.

We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.

Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.

Back in Pain

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WARNING: TMI discussing female body/bodily fluids/blood

Before starting this post, I decided to look back through my blog to see when else I posted about back pain. I did in the beginning of January, the beginning of July, and now I am back at it again. Between July and now I have been wearing my back brace and going to the chiropractor, but apparently that didn’t mean much.

Thursday I woke up with a little bit of soreness in my back, and as I was going through my day at work, I could feel the pain becoming more and more bothersome. I told my manager that I may go to ER after work, and my boss above her suggested I go to this certain immediate care in the area where they do MRIs, and she said “why don’t you go now?” So I clocked out for what I assumed would be a longer than normal lunch break and I went on my way.

This immediate care wasn’t busy, which gave me some relief. When I finally spoke to the receptionist she let me know that my Blue Cross PPO insurance plan was not in their network so I would have a higher out of pocket cost for the visit. I was in so much pain I didn’t even care and agreed to be seen.

After waiting about ten minutes in the waiting room, a medical assistant came to bring me back to the doctors room. He asked me all the questions and had me rate my pain level. I said 8.5. but he couldn’t do halves so we rounded it to a 9. Then the nurse practitioner came in and asked the same kind of questions.

I told her that this has happened before, but now I’m noticing it seems to come right before my period (or in January it was around ovulation). I also mentioned how my periods seem to be very clotty and I am unsure how normal that is. The nurse suggested I follow up with my OBGYN and discuss the possibility of endometriosis, which would show normal tests sometimes so it’s hard to diagnose. Ironically enough, a year ago in August is when I had an internal uterine ultrasound as I was worried with the sharp pains I had, but I was told all is fine.

I had also mentioned to her that a week or so before my 21st birthday I was in the ER for pooping blood, and they had recommended I follow up with GI. I did that, but then never went through with the colonoscopy they recommended, embarrassingly because I didn’t want to drink that stuff and be shitting my brains out all night before the procedure. The GI place also couldn’t give me any quote on how much it would cost, and back then I was so concerned about money so I let that factor in, and now I worry that we missed something.

The nurse just recommended I also talk to my PCP and let me know that they do not do MRIs at that facility and I’d need to see my PCP to order one for me. She also prescribed muscle relaxers and a steroid pack and told me I should rest and have minimal movement for the next couple days and gave me a note for work. I am seeing my PCP next week, and the soonest OBGYN appt is in about 2.5 weeks.

I find it odd that these health problems like to pop up in the July/August time frame, and it makes me wonder if there is some unresolved trauma from a time in my life. I have the book “The Body Keeps The Score” and I have been hesitant to start it. I know it’s all about the hypothalamus and how it remembers everything that ever happened to us, even when parts of our brain will hide certain things from us for survival reasons. I am not ready to start it just yet, but I am interested to ask my therapist her thoughts on this.

Regardless of whether this is trauma related or it has to do with my curve in my spine or something else internal, I am ready for answers. I need to know how to prevent this from continuing to occur, because when the pain comes on, it’s unbearable. It hurts to sit and especially to drive. It hurts to stand up or walk. I can barely bend over to put on socks and shoes. I really only get comfortable laying in bed on my heating pad, and even so, it hurts to roll over / switch positions.

Thanks to the immediate care, I have a flat Medrol Dose pack that seems to be taking away the inflammation. I also have the muscle relaxers, but I decided today that I am no longer going to take as they put me to sleep, and also make me extremely sweaty and flushed. I am taking ibuprofen as well and just relaxing on the heating pad. I know this pain will go away, it’s just keeping it away that I am worried about. All I can do is go to my appointments and advocate for myself, so that is what I plan to do.

Sending love and healing to all.