Prompt

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What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

I’m probably most scared to get up on stage and do any sort of performance- whether that be comedy or motivational speaking or singing or slam poetry. All things I admire and respect, yet I have fear around it because I never feel good enough. I’d probably have to do a lot more healing, soul-searching and confidence boosting before doing anything like that. Unless one of my idols invited me to an event, I’d have to take that as a sign to step up to the plate.

Bloguary Prompt

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What do you complain about the most?

I’d probably say that I complain the most about people. Mainly I am used to complaining about people at work who aren’t doing their jobs, but I recognize that complaining doesn’t help. This year I am at a new job, and the difference is that I am currently just observing and making notes and bringing this to the attention of my boss so we can try to come up with better processes. I also complain about people I know, but that is something I am actively working on this year, because I know I need to take accountability.

In general, this year I am working on discernment and speaking up. Instead of whining and complaining, this year I am focusing on solutions. This also applies to relationships with friends and family- instead of b*tching about someone’s behavior, I will take note and set boundaries where I see fit. If something does not have an effect on me, then I can take steps to remove myself and ignore. If something does bother me and affects me directly, it is my responsibility to speak up.

No one will ever know I am upset or bothered if I keep shoving it away, and honestly that hurts all parties in the end. It hurts me, because I am not expressing my needs or feelings, and it hurts them because I have basically been lying or hiding how I’ve actually been feeling. It may come as a shock to people when I actually start expressing my feelings, but it’s only fair to me to finally allow myself to trust in my feelings and advocate for myself.

No more fearing confrontation. No more people-pleasing. No more manipulating and invalidating my own feelings. No more whining and complaining about things that don’t impact me. No more faking niceness to “keep the peace” or to avoid hurting other people.

I am not responsible for other people’s feelings, I am responsible for mine. I would never go out of my way to be disrespectful, but I also will no longer tolerate being disrespected. I deserve better, and I will do better.

Prompt:

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What are your favorite sports to watch and play?

I’ve never really been into watching playing sports, but I do remember as a child I enjoyed watching the synchronized diving in Olympics. I also liked watching ice skating, which probably had a lot to do with the fact that I loved to go to the ice rink with my friends.

I currently know I enjoy roller blading but I don’t do it often and it’s not something I think I’d ever get into competitively, but I do enjoy how free I feel when I’m just rolling around with the wind in my hair!

Prompt:

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What would you do if you won the lottery?

If I won the lottery I would first of all thank source/universe/God because literally what are the odds. My fiancé and I would immediately pay off our credit cards and our townhome, and likely our cars unless we decide to be boujee and turn them in for something better, but make sure we pay in cash to have no car note. Since we are engaged we will also continue with our current wedding plan but may splurge on a honeymoon to Japan + the Philippines. Also, I think we’d get a lawyer or something involved or just call Dave Ramsey to talk about our best options and likely wouldn’t tell anyone about it for a little while.

Once we have our stuff paid off then we can look into investment properties, preferably dope air b&bs to rent short term and for us to stay at when we want to travel. We’d stay in our paid off townhome for a bit, make upgrades to it while building dream home! Dream home would be at least 4 bedroom, 3 bath, and would include a basement, a sauna, a meditation/sun room, a whiskey/library room, a pool and hot tub, and at least a 4 car garage with a heated driveway if we’re still in the midwest.

We’d definitely put huge chunks of change into some high-yield savings accounts and once we feel like we did what we needed to do, now we can revisit and start helping out our family. Pay off his parents’ house and cars if they have any car notes, and pay my parents rent for a couple years or so and maybe give each set of parents a good sum to put in their own high-yield savings accounts. Also we’d probably pay off his brother’s car as well.

Depending on how much the lottery is, we’d probably still work unless we decide to set up our own business and get those going, and we’d probably help his parents with their businesses they’re trying to start as well. It’s wild to think about winning such a huge chunk of money, and it’s even more wild to think about how it actually ruins people’s lives. I pray that if we do win one day, we are smart about it and we only make improvements to our lives and the ones around us.

Authenticity Only

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I was a people-pleaser for too long, and this year I am actively working against it. I have ignored red flags and disrespectful behavior all in the name of “keeping the peace.” I was keeping quiet to keep others happy. I was agreeing when I didn’t, just to avoid conflict/confrontation. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in reality I still did, because I have been lying. People-pleasing is manipulative; going along with things or saying “yes” when you actually mean “no” is just presenting yourself in a false light. I have been doing this my entire life- avoiding conflict, keeping quiet, and making sure everyone else is comfortable while sitting in my own discomfort. I’m done.

I deserve peace and comfort. I deserve friends who love the real me, and who are real with me. I deserve honesty and to unleash my true feelings, and in reality, anyone you lose from being honest and setting your boundaries is not a loss, it is a blessing. This makes more room for your true friends and support system to come in, and there is no reason to hold onto people who aren’t truly happy for you or manipulate you out of your own boundaries. Now, it is 100% on you to enforce your boundaries, but also it is important to watch who is actively pushing against them and take proper action.

What bothers me or makes me uncomfortable is valid, I will no longer let my mind manipulate me into settling for less than what I deserve. What is mine is mine and I am not required to share everything with anyone; I value my privacy. I deserve to speak my mind and I refuse to build up any resentment or hard feelings when I can just have a conversation. Like Glennon Doyle’s podcast says: “We can do hard things.” I am doing this hard thing this year, because I know it is necessary and will free me in so many ways.

Morning Gratitude

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This morning I want to just lay in bed and sleep, but instead of hitting snooze I am still laying here but decided to start the day here with some good vibes and gratitude.

-I am so grateful I get to wake up next to the love of my life every morning, as it makes me feel safe, loved, and comforted.

-I am grateful to be waking up in a warm, cozy bed that is so comfortable it makes it hard to want to get out of it.

-I am grateful that I have a job where I am appreciated, I enjoy what I do, and I still have freedom to listen to headphones and work at my pace.

-I am grateful to still have both of my parents in my life, even if it may be a bit estranged with my dad, I am still blessed to have contact with both of them and I am happy I have a good relationship with my mother.

-I am grateful for this blog, as it was easy to start, it’s easy for me to post from my phone or laptop, and it’s a nice outlet for me, and also a way to inspire others.

-I am grateful to have supportive, loving friends in my life who are truly rooting for me and want the best for me. I am happy I have friends I can be my full self around.

-I am grateful to have heat in our home, as well as the AC during the summer. We are blessed that we can afford and have these luxuries.

-I am grateful for car, as she is sleek and beautiful but also very reliable and safe. I am happy we can both afford nice cars.

Overall there are so many things in this lifetime to be grateful for, and sometimes it’s important to just take a moment and think about it. Whenever I am feeling lost or overwhelmed, I have found that when I turn to the mindset of gratitude, it makes a big difference. It’s not always an easy task when emotions are running high, but like anything, it’ll just get easier with time and practice. Your life has a lot of beauty in it, take a moment to think about it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday and week ahead.

Thoughts on Thots on Thoughts

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I am a big believer in karma: what you give is what you get. The energy you emit into the world is what will return back to you. What you present yourself as is what you will attract. Karma is real; it is not good or bad, it just is. It is important to be intentional with yourself and your actions.

I was called a slut-shamer in high school because of a facebook post. I can’t even remember what my post was about- likely something like “finding love isn’t easy, but being easy won’t find you love.” Looking at that now, I can see how that could offend people, however I do believe that how you present yourself will attract certain people. For be fair, growing up I was taught that boys just want to have sex with you and once they do they’ll either leave or just use you for that.

With that being said, I was never person who dressed in super revealing clothing, because I knew that would bring certain attention. No, I don’t think it’s right that girls are taught to cover up, while boys aren’t taught how to be respectful- but this is the society and reality we live in. I know 100% if I were to post pictures of myself in more revealing clothing that I’d get more likes. This is not to sound cocky, this is the reality for any woman, because sex sells and the are literal horn-dogs everywhere. However, I also know that me putting those images out there will attract the men / people who are looking for that- and that was never something I wanted.

I never wanted one-night stands or flings or to be known as the girl who was “easy,” so I didn’t present myself that way. I never wanted a man who just wanted me for my body or sex, I wanted something real. I knew I wanted a respectful man who wasn’t going to use me or my body; I wanted someone who loved me for me, because my my body will inevitably change over the years, and there will always be someone younger / hotter. I knew that if someone wanted me based on my body or based on just sex, there’s a higher chance they’d leave me for a body better than mine, or be entertaining another body.

I don’t have anything against woman / people who show off their bodies or do SW or anything like that, because that really doesn’t have any effect on my life. I will say I have seen videos of p-stars / S-workers crying online saying how it’s a lonely life, and that people only look at you as an object and not as a person- which is 100% wrong, but it’s also an unfortunate consequence when that is what is advertised. I can imagine it is hard for a man to be out with his woman and guys just keep coming up saying how they’ve seen your girl naked and watched her get her back blown out by someone else- I definitely would be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed.

In reality that is all it comes down to- what are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Are you in alignment with the values you are seeking in a relationship? What do you consider to be faithful / loyal? Do you care about loyalty? I think the easiest question to use in any sort of relationship is: If your significant other did what you were doing, would you be comfortable with that? That will prevent many conflicts.

Now again this may be offensive and that’s not the intention, I just am an old soul and more conservative in that way than almost everyone I know and I felt the need to write through it. There definitely are people who are doing SW that have found love and have relationships, and they absolutely deserve healthy love! There are men and women who are completely okay with their significant others doing SW, and regardless, in any relationship, there just has to be open communication and understanding between each other in order to keep everyone safe, healthy and happy.

Overall, what other people do is none of your business, but what you do and how you present yourself attracts the life you’re seeking. Be intentional with the energy and frequency you emit into the world, as you get to make that choice. Live a life where you are aligned with your own values, goals and purpose.

Wednesday Wisdom

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I have been feeling so much better than I felt the first week of the year, and I am fully enjoying this time. I’m still practicing discernment in my life, I am limiting the amount of information I share with others and this even includes close friends.

It is not my responsibility or even my problem if someone else is sending jealous or some negative energy my way, because I know I am protected and my energy is mine regardless; but that doesn’t mean I want to be all willy nilly with what I share.

There’s good news around me, and instead of sharing for validation or sharing to celebrate, I find that celebrating with myself and for myself is more than sufficient for me. In reality, it feels better than sharing with others. Not that my friends don’t celebrate or care, but because I can give that to myself.

I am very aware that hyper-independence is a trauma response, but it also is a strength. I know I am living in alignment with my values; I am strengthening my relationship with the universe / God, which in turn has improved my relationship with myself. I know who I can ask for help, I know I have loved ones who are truly in my corner and are rooting for me, and even though that is a small group, it is a strong, supportive, caring group.

I don’t feel the need to share all of my plans and all of my goals with people who are just waiting for me to fail, or are projecting their own self-doubt onto me. I know that I still have yet to meet members of my soul family, and I am not here to be completely shut off or turn off my empathy, but I will continue to be selective and protect myself and my dreams first.