New Month, New Intentions

Happy September! I am feeling so good today, and felt like writing for a bit here on my lunch break! I am feeling very hopeful for this month; I joined that writing community I previously posted about, I am focusing on my health, and I am still making sure to practice gratitude daily! We have four months left of 2022, and I want to make them count.

Life feels so much better when you live with intention. When you just let life happen to you, it feels chaotic and like there is no sense of control. Granted, there are so many things that are beyond our control, but when you take time to set intentions, check in with yourself, and feel through your emotions, it does help you to feel in control of yourself- which is truly the only thing you can control.

For me, I used to feel like my mind was controlling me, and not the other way around. I have been on my fair share of anxiety medications, and I have seen different therapists; it took years to even get to where I am now, and I know I still have work to do, but I feel like I am finally the one in control of my mind. When I feel like I am anxious or sad or angry, I take a moment to look within and start questioning where it is coming from- this alone has helped me a ton!

This month I will continue on my journey of healing and mindfulness, and I am excited to see what is in store!

Beauty in the Present

I filled up my weekend with seeing good friends after having a week of dealing with health stuff and I am feeling so good! I am happy to see it looks like my labs and other test results came back normal, and it has been a huge relief for me. My doctor will call me next week to confirm, but looking through the results that were uploaded to MyChart, everything looks good!

I am excited to continue on my wellness journey, and I am ready to focus on getting my body moving everyday. I deserve to feel good and healthy long term, and I am the one who is in charge of that. There’s no reason to get upset with my currents habits or weight, because all I can do is move forward and take the information I know now and apply it to myself in the best ways!

I am feeling a lot better now that I don’t feel like I am always rushing or racing against some imaginary clock. I feel like taking a slow approach, building small habits over time, is truly the way that I will get to my goals. Slowing down my nervous system and my thoughts makes me feel way more in control than my anxiety ever did. Focusing on one task at a time, rather than trying to “multi-task,” actually makes me feel so much more productive!

I am realizing that taking the time to focus on one thing at a time and being intentional about everything I do, makes me feel better about my life and choices. Making sure you’re present in your life choices is so important! Being aligned with your intuition and taking time to check in with how you’re feeling will help to realize what is truly important to you and what is worth your time. Make sure you’re living life for you, you absolutely deserve it.

Crabby Day

I am craaaaabbbbyyyy as fuccckkkk today. It happens and I’m human and I’m doing my best, but wow do I just want to go home and dance around and sing at the top of my lungs to realize some of this tension. I know what it’s stemming from for the most part, but I am trying to be more mindful and practice gratitude and not let this get to me… however I do need to release. It’s important that we feel our feelings and look into them, and then try to let go.

I know I am feeling angry because I feel like I cannot express my full thoughts and emotions due to the environment in which the problem is in. I honestly don’t even feel comfortable sharing here at this point, so I am going to talk myself through this later on, likely on my drive home from work today. For now I will just try to focus on the good things of today and remember that I have a good life!

Day by Day

I haven’t posted my usual weekly blog post yet this week and I am trying not to feel upset with myself about it. I feel like I have a lot to write, but I also have been busy with doctor appointments and visiting family. I will make time to write in here sometime this week, and I plan to write more for this writing community I joined! I am focusing more on myself and writing does come into play with this, and I will definitely be more active on here!

Celebrate Yourself

Today is Friday and I am so excited for the weekend! My boyfriend and I are attending a friend’s wedding tomorrow, but other than that I am free to relax and take some time for myself. After how busy last weekend was for me, I am happy to be able to slow it down a bit while still having the opportunity to see friends and have a good time!

I was doing a bit of reflecting yesterday and I am honestly so proud of how far I have come on my mental health journey; I was thinking about how I was when I first moved out with my boyfriend and it truly feels like night and day. I still have plenty of work to do, but now it doesn’t feel so daunting and impossible!

When I first removed myself from an environment of constant chaos and unpredictability, my body didn’t even know how to handle the calm, peaceful life I was entering. My nervous system was stuck in a state of turmoil and I always felt like my mind was racing and I was running with it! I could never sit still and relax, instead I’d hyper focus on tasks that “needed to be completed,” and I’d feel out of control if I ever took a minute to breathe.

I still have days where it’s hard for me to sit down and unwind, but now my boyfriend and I both have learned how to handle it better. For example, earlier in the week was rough for me- I was starting my period and this time around my hormones felt super out of whack and I was feeling depressed. I honestly haven’t felt that low in quite a while, but instead of giving into that feeling, I was able to remind myself that this is temporary and has a lot to do with my cycle. I didn’t sit and think that I was going to be depressed forever, and I didn’t give myself a hard time for it.

I had told my boyfriend that I was going on a walk, which he encouraged, but I kept stalling and saying that I had things to do around the house and he could tell I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. He looked at me and said “you need to go on your walk, and only think about your walk while you’re on your walk.” He was right, and I knew that already but just hearing it from him and out loud was something that I needed. I ended up going on my walk and I felt so much better when I came home. I cleaned up what I needed to, I showered, and then he helped me cut up veggies for the big salad I was making for the week.

It’s incredible how much of an impact that walk had on me, and I understand why everything I read and listen to about mental health says it is important to move your body every day. For me, just walking for 30-40 minutes made life feel so much more bearable, and it was nice to take some time to myself.

I feel so very blessed every day to have a wonderful man by my side who has grown with me over the years, who has learned how I operate and how to help me when I am struggling, and who loves me every step of the way. I used to feel like my brain was on fire and I was such a raging b*tch to him even when I didn’t want to be, and I knew he didn’t deserve it which made me hate myself/my brain quite a bit.

Lucky for me, he always saw the real me underneath all of the anxiety; and now I can finally see me as well. I am forgiving myself for past mistakes as I now understand why I was the way I was, and my goal is to continue healing and keeping this relationship strong, as I know we will have a solid foundation for our future together and our future as parents. That is still a couple years down the road, but that just gives me more time to work on myself!

Make sure you take time to look at who you were five years ago and then look where you are today; we all love to hate on ourselves and feel like we aren’t moving forward, but it’s a much nicer habit to celebrate yourself! Look at how you handle certain situations compared to how your past self would! Give yourself credit where it is due, and make a plan for the things you still want to work on. You deserve a happy life!

12:34

I keep seeing all of my signs and synchronicities, and in a way they bring me peace. It reminds me that I am being present and aware, even if I don’t feel 100% myself right now. It’s been a rough couple of days, I’m feeling depressed which I really haven’t felt in a while, but I know it’s due to a number of things such as eating terribly and it’s also that time of the month.

My boyfriend had a good point as well, I bet it has something to do with the fact that I spent my entire weekend with a bunch of friends and family. I usually need a day or two to recover from large group events, but I left my family on Sunday and was back to work on Monday, so I never really took time for me. I think after work today I am going to try to get outside on a walk, as I always feel better when I soak up some sun. I know I’ll get through this, it’s just one day at a time.

Dear Universe, Thank you.

Every day I feel so blessed with the life that I have. I have a happy, healthy relationship with the love of my life, we have our beautiful home together with our cats, and we both have jobs that we don’t hate that allow us to live the lives we do. If you asked me ten years ago what I wanted in life, I would have said “To still be living happily with my boyfriend and be financially stable;” seventeen-year-old me would be so proud!

As I grow older I am learning more and more about myself. I am working on prioritizing what makes me happy and focusing on what I want and need in my life. I am blessed to have genuine friendships and still have good relationships with family members, and I am also lucky to be developing this healthier relationship with myself. I have definitely come a long way from where I used to be, but sometimes I feel like I struggle with trusting myself and my intuition.

In my house growing up, there were many times where I felt as if I was being accused of things that I had never done, and I also was often told that I had no voice because I was the child. I had a lot of rage and confusion building inside me throughout my younger years, but I also feel like in a way I did always have some sense of clarity: I knew what I didn’t want in my future relationships, and I knew that I would raise my children differently.

I know my parents did the best they could with what they knew, but at the time I didn’t think of it that way. I just knew that I didn’t want to be like them. In a way, I guess maybe I have been able to trust myself and intuition, but I often cloud my own judgment with overthinking and anxiety. When I think about why I am that way, I assume it would be because I grew up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment, therefore I try to prepare for all worst-case scenarios (which actually just makes my anxiety worse)! In reality, what I need to do is let go of what I cannot control.

I have seen my improvement throughout the years, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I find it easier to recognize when I’m worried about something beyond my control, and I remind myself of what I can control… my mindset! Worrying never helps the situation, it truly only worsens it, so why would I continue to do that? Instead I can recognize it and remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

It’s easy to go into the horrific “what-ifs” about failure and chaos, but how about we switch that and ask “what if it all works out?” Instead of limiting ourselves with the belief that everything will be scary and horrible, what if we think about how we can learn and grow from any difficult situation? I know that there are so many things beyond my control, so what if I decided to just let it all go? I was so tired of stressing over everything in my life and feeling like the weight of the world was on top of me, so I decided to put it down!

I’m not going to lie, I still have rough days (I mean, I am human), but I find it easier to let go of my anxiety. I will be working on that re-wiring in my brain forever, and in addition to that I am currently working on listening to my gut instincts and learning to trust myself fully. I think my first big step in this journey was starting to say “no” to things that I didn’t want to do. I try to make it a habit to give myself time before I commit to any events, such as saying “Let me get back to you,” rather than blurting out “yes” as the seasoned people-pleaser I was. I’d say “yes” in an attempt to make others happy/not disappoint others, but sometimes it was at my own expense.

After realizing that the stress from those situations was hurting my physical health, I decided that my time is my time, and I knew I had to set that boundary. I want to spend my life doing the things that I love and that I feel aligned with. Your life isn’t truly yours if you are living it for everyone else. I think it’s important to check in with ourselves and reflect on what it is we truly need in life to be happy. I don’t think there are many (if any) people who would say they didn’t want to live a happy life, and I truly believe we all deserve happiness!

Another Year Done

Yesterday was my birthday, and I’ve decided to use that as my own personal “New Year” in a way. I wouldn’t say I am making any resolutions, but mainly just setting intentions. All of 2022 I have been trying to focus on self-love, and I plan to continue this journey, but it’s always good to come back to the drawing board and look at our priorities to see if they are the same or if we need to add/remove anything from the list.

I haven’t necessarily had a structured path along this journey, and that has been actually working well! Considering that I was a control freak and always have anxiety when plans change, I am pleasantly surprised by myself. What I’ve done is made sure that when I find myself with free time (or when I realize I’ve been scrolling on instagram for too long), I’ll ask internally “what do I want to do for myself?”

Now sometimes we have our guilty pleasures, such as watching reality TV or continuing to scroll through reels, but what about the things that make you feel good about yourself afterwards? I know that after I read a book, or even part of a book, I always feel good afterwards! I have taken time to give myself more knowledge and insight, and now I can use that information to keep growing.

I also always feel better after taking a walk outside. I often am also listening to some sort of inspirational podcast; currently I love listening to Jay Shetty and Gabrielle Bernstein, and I feel like I have learned so much simply listening to their shows. I find myself happier after I take time to sit and write, whether it’s in my physical journal, a long caption on an instagram reel, or a blog post!

Something I have been wanting to get into is meditation. This is something I somewhat attempted in the past, but I always felt like I had a racing mind and at the time it made me feel more anxious. After learning more about meditation, I’ve learned that it’s different for everyone and really anyone can do it- you just have to focus on your breath. This morning I did a 10-minute guided meditation from The Rising Circle’s Youtube channel, and I felt so relaxed afterwards! I want to try more guided meditations first and hopefully will be able to ease into my own personal meditation.

I know I always feel better after a good workout as well, I mean who doesn’t? I don’t necessarily want to push myself as I know I still have an obsessive/addictive personality, so I am trying to add at-home workouts into my routine. I am trying to find a healthy balance in my life, while not neglecting my physical health. When I was going to the gym, I was super hard on myself mentally if I ever missed a work out. I don’t want to be discouraging myself and being unhealthy about my goals and habits, so this is an area I am still working on.

As I get older I also want to take care of my health more, and I want to do this from the inside. I need to start eating at home more, and I recently downloaded an app my friend told me about that helps give meal suggestions. I signed up and chose a gradual change as I don’t want to overwhelm myself, and I’d rather be realistic than try to over-perform/achieve as is in my nature. Quick fixes don’t work, so I plan to take the slow approach.

Overall, I am staying focused on my goals and what is important to me. I want to continue to work on my health and mental health, as I deserve that. I also know I am a better girlfriend, friend and family me never when I am taking care of myself and setting boundaries, and I believe everyone I love deserves the best version of me.

Giving Grace

I did so well about starting my morning routine on Monday, but I haven’t been getting to bed early enough and that made it harder yesterday and today. Today I am up earlier than I was yesterday and I am here writing in my blog, so I count that as a victory!

Normally I am super hard on myself, but I am actively working on trying to give myself more grace and be the friend to me that I am to others. I have no problem reminding friends that we’re all human and it’s okay to deviate from plans or make mistakes, as long as we learn and grow, so why wouldn’t I deserve that same treatment?

Do I wish I would have stayed more consistent this week? Of course! But does that mean I should give up completely and call it a failure? Absolutely not! All I can try to do is be better than I was yesterday, and remind myself that I am doing this as a benefit to myself.

The goal tonight is to be off my phone by 9pm and asleep by 10pm, that way I can get my eight hours of sleep; this will make it easier for me to get up in the morning. I was normally in bed around 10pm for a while, but I think having Covid and sleeping all throughout the day kinda messed the schedule up.

A lot is going on around me lately that could be stress inducing, but I am doing my best to remember that I can only control my mindset and my reactions. Everything happens for a reason, and when things don’t work out, it’s usually because something better is on the horizon! All will happen as it should.