spiritual

Life, Death and In-Between

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I had a phone call with my mom this morning, and she informed me that her aunt had passed away. I had only seen my great aunt a handful of times, and I know my mom also hasn’t seen her a lot within the last few years, but nonetheless it still hurts. Losing anyone is painful, and of course it brings up memories of all of the people who we have lost in our lives. It also reminds me that everyone in my life, including myself, will one day pass on and all that will remain are memories; that is why making this memories is so important.

Drake has a lyric in one of his raps where he says: “everybody dies, but not everybody lives.” Ironically enough, I said this during a conversation with my best friend yesterday, not knowing I would wake up to this news. I feel like I am constantly getting this reminders that life is incredibly short and it has me evaluating my own life and what memories I will leave behind with people once my soul leaves my body one day. It also has me thinking about my own daily habits and what I am doing to enjoy this time I have while I am alive.

I spent a long period of my life worrying about things out of my control, being upset with myself and my brain, and really just living in an anxious state of mind that prevented me from making a lot of memories. I am happy that I have been more present in my life and truly enjoying the happiness around me. I have been practicing gratitude and keeping up with my writing, which really allows me to stay focused on the present moment. I spend time with people who bring me happiness and I spend time doing things that I love.

Of course I still find myself in moments of scrolling and laziness, but also I no longer feel the need to beat myself up about it, as I know I need rest, and I am much better about bouncing back. Sitting in shame and wasting time being upset with yourself or the people around you hinders the quality of your life. Life isn’t about being positive all the time, especially because we all go through tragedy and hard times, but I think it is important to check in with yourself and make sure you are living a life aligned with your values.

Life is hard at times, but it is also the only one we have. The more you love, the more you will grieve when there is loss, but that love is what keeps us all alive once we do pass on. The love you have with your partner, your family, your friends… all of that will remain even if it is in different form. You wouldn’t have good times to remember if you never took time to make those memories in the first place; so love hard, live presently, and make sure you prioritize your happiness while you’re here. Sending love to my family, and to all who need a little extra right now.

Dualities

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I am struggling, yet thriving. I am filled with joy, but also irritable. I am grateful, but also ready to release what is not serving me. I am proud, but also always looking forward to more growth. I am all of these things, all at the same time, because this is the human experience. At times it hurts like hell, and other times the happiness can feel like I’m floating on clouds; regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I am working on trusting my gut, instead of working against it, but I won’t lie, I still lose myself in guilt and people-pleasing. I have this habit of somehow making everything my fault and talking myself out of my own gut feelings as a way to not hurt others and also still avoid confrontation. However, I am recognizing that I need to release the confrontation I have within myself.

I feel it’s time to release and let go of these people-pleasing habits, and truly tune into myself and my intuition. I have always known what’s best for me, and I have always gotten myself through the challenges life throws my way. I am wise, I am open, I am empathetic, and I am humble. I am intelligent, I am loved, I am safe, and I am blessed. I deserve peace, and I am ready to give that to myself.

New Tattoos and Inner Peace

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I have a lot on my mind, but at the same I feel very relaxed. I am simply letting things flow and letting things go, rather than attaching myself to every thought or idea. I am finding myself in more states of “boredom,” which I have been appreciating as times of peace. As someone who used to never allow myself to rest, I am feel that I am finally meeting my needs when it comes to rest and relaxation. If I find myself getting irritable or getting down on myself about not “doing more,” I remember that rest is a necessity, and it is an act of self-love to relax.

There is a slippery slope though when it comes to having mental health/depression problems, because this can lead to feeling unmotivated and eventually feeling stuck. I am blessed that I have self-awareness and I am able to make sure I am still living a productive life and finding time for joy. Even if sometimes the joy is sitting an enjoying some reality dating series, it is still time I am taking for myself. Today I went out for a walk, although I did slightly regret that decision considering it was 90 degrees outside. I also am taking this time to write in my blog, and I have been spending quality time with my boyfriend. I am finally starting to prioritize myself and I am focusing on giving my time to people that truly bring me joy.

I got to spend some time with my mom and a family friend yesterday. It was nice to just chat and enjoy some yummy appetizers together. We also all went around the shops downtown and shopped around for a while, all leaving with items that we loved! There was a new shop that opened up and it has a bunch of old school candy, candy from different cultures, and a bunch of weird, unique bottles of soda! We had a fun time looking around in there, and I even found the cutest evil eye ring for $4!

Speaking of which, I also got an evil eye tattoo on Monday that I am OBSESSED with! I also got the number 1144, which I see as my angel number. I see this number at times and I get this ping of relief and happiness, and it just reminds me to let go and trust in the universe. This is also the only tattoo I have that actually faces me, as this is specific to me and my spiritual journey. The evil eye is used is used to ward off variations of evil intentions and also serves as a reminder to “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” I truly believe that our works are powerful, so I am being more mindful of how I use my words. It is also a reminder to stay true to my word, and always say what I mean. I no longer wish to sugarcoat and hide from my own feelings, I wish to say what I mean with respect and good intentions without difficulty and without worrying about how the other person will react. I am only responsible for my own emotions and responses, not anyone else’s.

As I learn to let go and release what is not mine to hold, I am realizing how important it is to be authentically me. I will only find people who learn to love the real me, by being the real me! I will only attract successful and loving friendships by focusing on being both successful and loving. If we actually sit with ourselves and write out what we want, we can learn how to be that for ourselves and then we can also see those same traits and characteristics in others. We can learn to appreciate ourselves and make our minds happy places, and we can also find people to help make the outside world a happy place. Humans thrive on connection, in fact, researchers have found that people with active social lives live longer!* I absolutely love connecting with other people, and as I continue to practice the art of “letting go,” I know that I will continue to find success and accomplish great things. We all have that fire within us, it’s just up to us to ignite it.

Here’s to lighting that match! Now fuel your fire, and burn bright. ♡

cute $4 evil eye ring
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*https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/active-social-life-longevity/

Empathy

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I have a tattoo that says: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” This was a quote I read several years ago that resonated deep within me, and I feel that I am being reminded of it’s curse lately. I have been feeling all of the heavy energy within and around me; I wrote last week about the tragedy I had witnessed, and honestly since that day all I have been hearing about seems to be tragedy. I have a couple of friends going through painful experiences, all of which are out of their control. It hurts to see (and basically feel) their pain and know that there isn’t anything that can take it away. I’ve been feeling very fatigued and drained, and I am trying to remind myself to release and let go what does not belong to me.

Since I have been on this self-awareness journey, I am trying to look at this tough times and figure out what all of this is teaching me. I have spent a lot of my life worrying about things that are beyond my control, and I’ve also spent a lot of time focusing on other people’s emotional needs over my own. The combination of these resulted in my never being present with myself in any given moment. How could I sit in stillness with myself and my body when everything around me was spiraling out of control? How could I enjoy my life when someone else is suffering? How can I focus on myself when others need help? It all may sound nice that I care about others, but at what capacity do I really care for others if I don’t even know how to care for myself? If I cannot fill my own cup, how do I expect to pour into others in the way that they need? If I do not take care of myself, what message is that sending to my inner child? This is the reason I always preach that self-care is necessary, and it is NOT selfish in any way. Now it’s time I get back to focusing on myself and my self-care practices.

As much as it can hurt, I want to be able to feel everything deeply, as I know that will allow others to feel heard and understood. Not only that, but I remember what it was like to be numbed out from anxiety medications, and I missed all of my feelings. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to have such strong emotions or care about everything so deeply, but once that was taken away from me, I no longer felt like myself. My empathy fuels my creativity, which also fuels my happiness. My empathy allows me to feel joy for and celebrate others in the most genuine way. My empathy allows me to learn about myself in a deeper capacity, as I can identify my triggers and see them in new ways; these are all ways that empathy becomes a blessing. Even though it feels heavy at times, I wouldn’t trade this away for anything.

As I send love and positive, healing thoughts to my loved ones who are in need of it, I also release any stress or tension that I’ve held onto. As they receive the love and positive, healing energy, may they release any stress or tension that they have been holding onto. May we all recognize what is within our control, and what isn’t; and may we surrender what does not belong to us to the healing powers of the universe. May we accept out emotions as they are and not judge them, but appreciate them for allowing us the full experience of the human life. May the heaviness be lifted, and may we all feel lighter inside and out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤

Non-judgement

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As humans it’s so easy for us to make snap judgments about others or about situations going on, but in reality, we never know the full extent of what someone is going through. I do not know what is best for anyone else, as I have not lived their life, felt their traumas, or experienced their childhood.

I can truly only know what’s best for myself, and even that doesn’t come through judgment, it comes from listening to myself and becoming self aware. When we judge ourselves harshly, we tend to project that same judgement outwards into the world, and that is something I’ve been working on.

I recognize that we were all just human beings doing our best with what we know, and we deserve grace. Of course, it’s important to acknowledge our own toxic habits and traits if we wish to not hurt others or ourselves, but amongst the healing and learning we are allowed to fuck up. perfection is not real or attainable; the authentic beauty is in the failures and imperfections.

So stop being so hard on yourself. Let go of that shame that you hold onto so dearly that tells you you’re not enough. Stop worrying about how others live their lives, and start living your life with intention.

Do what makes you happy, even if others have something to say out about it. and when you feel judged or like someone isn’t being authentic with you, just remember that what we reject in ourselves, we project onto others. Someone else’s judgment about you has a lot more to do with themselves…so just live life for you!

The other day, I asked for a sign

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A sign that you were still watching and guiding me. I asked for something that would absolutely make me know it’s you, but couldn’t give too many specific examples.

I went to write in my blog today and noticed two drafts: one with a prompt as the title and the other was untitled. In that untitled draft was a post I started a month ago when I was feeling emotional; It was a post I had written about going to your wake, and remembering seeing a letter I wrote to you for our 8th grade graduation. I couldn’t finish the post, and I still haven’t.

Seeing this draft today made me want to dig into my old memory bin, where I kept old concert tickets, notes from school, projects and whatever else I felt was worth keeping for a lifetime. I was searching to see if I had the letter you wrote me on that day. I opened the dusty bin to see my rocket power backpack on top of a bunch of children’s books, binders and journals.

I grabbed the journal that my aunt gave me when I was young. I opened the journal and out fell some photo booth photos, and there was four photos of us in a vertical line. We were so happy and silly; I remember we spent so much time at the mall because we saved our money from babysitting (and you saved from your your dog-walking), and we had that money to spend! I also will never forget when we got personalized airbrush T-Shirts made. I still have mine.

After sifting through some cringy journal entries and digging through photo albums, I found some Lisa Frank stickers (SCORE!) that I immediately needed to put on my phone case. I had a nice design on the phone case I was using so I decided to go into my bedroom to grab another phone case. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and before I even could reach for another case, I saw your photo. It was the memorial card from your funeral; and that’s when it hit me… you were giving me the signs.

The photo booth photos falling out, having to look for a phone case that I never would have needed if I hadn’t dug through my memory bin looking for the letter your wrote me- which I unfortunately I didn’t find, but maybe I will one day. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t logged in to write in my blog and looked in my drafts, but it all happened.

Some will say coincidence, neuroscientists will say it’s the reticular activating system (which tbh, they are right), but I also truly believe this is my sign from you. I appreciate knowing you’re still here, even if not physically, and I am grateful for these signs. Sending love up your way, and thank you for sending yours.

Sending love to all who need it, and I hope you get your signs. ♡

Release

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It’s so hard to watch loved ones in pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do but listen and send your love. That’s a part of life that will likely never get easier, but having faith and trust in the universe that something better is unfolding gives slight relief.

Everyone you know is going through something, whether it’s a friend or a family member, or even the person you sit by at work… you never truly know their struggles or their pain. All I can say to that is to be kind and compassionate, and remember that there are time where you will struggle too, and it’s important you have the right people in your circle.

I feel grateful for my circle. My boyfriend has been my rock for over eleven years, and the love only continues to grow. I have friends who have been in my life for longer than that, which again is a hell of a blessing. I even have some newer friends who feel like I’ve known forever. I have family who loves me and supports me as well, even if I don’t see them often.

Something I’ve noticed that is super important is now I finally feel like I have myself. I can recognize the strength within me, and I feel more confident about myself and my resilience. I have made it through some tough times in my life, including deaths and other childhood traumas as everyone has, and I am still here.

I am here to share my story and remind others that we are all stronger than we think, and that we are truly here for a reason. I may not 100% know my purpose yet, but as I continue through my own healing, I know that I am meant for more. I am meant to radiate the light that’s inside of me, and I am continuing to heal so that my light can shine brighter.

Years ago, I got a tattoo that says “it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I know that although it can be difficult at times, it is necessary for me to be able to empathize with others, as well as feel all of my emotions. At this time, I am releasing the emotions that do not belong to me, and instead I will love and healing to those who need it. Remember to be kind, and remember you are stronger than you know.

Midweek Affirmations

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Today is my last day of my staycation and I am ready for another good day! My boyfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together, doing different things each day. Today will be more low key as I am having him dye my hair today so we will probably just chill and go on a walk or something! However I have been feeling super grateful and happy lately so I wanted to write out some affirmations for myself- feel free to use some or write your own in the comments! Have a lovely Wednesday!

Everything that is meant for me will come to me in divine timing.

I am open to abundance and success.

My intentions are pure and my energy is clean.

I let go of all that no longer serves me, and make room for what does.

I release any forms of self-doubt or self-limiting behavior, I am ready to evolve and ascend into my highest self.

I am in love with my life and everything in it.

Everything will happen as it should, when it should; I trust the process and will enjoy each moment.

Check in/Reflection

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How am I feeling? I’ve been having some obnoxious PMS the past few days; the on and off nausea is what’s bothering me the most. I’ve been so irritable and emotional and my period is supposedly coming in a few days, so I’m hoping that all of this goes away. I was going to go out to the bars last night with some friends, but decided to stay in since drinking would definitely not help my nausea. I also have just been feeling like I want to be alone lately; I need to do some self-reflection.

I recently was thinking about how I wasn’t always the nicest person as a kid, and I still find myself being judgmental of others. I was super critical of myself when I was younger, and that also made me critical of those around me. As I’ve grown older and been on my self-love journey over the last couple of years, I’m realizing that when I am being judgmental of someone else, it’s because I am seeing something of myself in them.

Often times how we feel about others is a reflection of how we’re feeling about ourselves. For example, money is a huge trigger for me/my anxiety. A lot of my sense of worth and control is revolved around money, which is another thing I am working on. If I find myself being judgmental of how someone is spending their money, it’s because I have an issue/insecurity about myself and my money habits. What someone else does with their life is none of my business, I can only control myself and my mindset.

I also know that I am a very empathetic and understanding person; I can very easily put myself in someone else’s shoes and get an understanding of why they make the choices they do. It’s also helpful to realize that most people do have unresolved traumas and are the way they are because of that. We couldn’t control our childhood or how we were parented, but today we can control how we parent ourselves.

Diving into what we truly need and finding out how we can give that to ourselves is extremely important. I need loving, healthy relationships, whether with my boyfriend or with friends or family; I can no longer tolerate those who do not respect myself or my boundaries. I get to choose who I spend time with and who is in my life.

I need to feel healthy, and how I do that is try to get my body moving every day, even if it’s just a bit of stretching. I try to balance making sure I get my veggies and fruits in everyday, as well as protein, but I could definitely be better at that. That is something I can try to spend more time/effort on so I feel that I’m living true to my values.

I need to feel knowledgeable, and I have been listening to podcasts more recently as well as reading! I was on a good streak for reading but kind of slowed down within the lag couple months. If I dedicate time to get back into reading, I will feel more fulfilled as I know one of my goals is to write a book one day, and this will definitely be helpful in getting me there. The more books I read, the more knowledge I’ll have and be able to apply to my life and maybe even my first book!

I enjoy experiences, but I also like to do so on a budget. I could look into more local free events and see if friends want to attend, or maybe even just go alone. An experience can really be anything; going to a farmers market, checking out the local library, walking on a new trail… there are truly endless options. Something I could do is set a goal to do at least one new experience a month, and if I want to increase frequency, I can!

I want to heal my traumas and learn how to manage stress and my emotions. I still see my therapist every once in a while, and I make it a point to listen to healing podcasts and follow self-love accounts on instagram, but I know there is more I can do. Writing this blog post is something that is so important, because it is allowing me to talk to myself and figure out my true wants/needs.

I think we all have an idea of what we want, but when we look deeper we find that we aren’t really living a lifestyle that is in alignment with our desires. I want to live a life that is in alignment with my values, and I feel like I am already doing this! However, I also feel that I can dedicate more time to myself and my desires, and I deserve that. We all deserve to live our best lives as our best selves!